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Young Writers Society


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Random Encounter N°2: The PhoBits

by TinkerTwaggy


We are many, and yet we are one. An entity composed of numerous creatures, each of us bearing specific abilities. Five fragments of a single being, willing to strike with terror any soul that crosses our path.

We are Shadread, the Nocis-Fragment, commanding the weakling's most primal fear: darkness. We plunge our prey into a world unknown, where none can escape our shadowy presence. We remain silent, but the captive soul unleashes terrified shrieks, losing its pitiful might under our tight grasp. There is no escape in our dreadful void. Slowly but surely, anything trapped is consumed and absorbed.

We are Spooknado, the Zephyr-Fragment, commanding the weakling's untamed neighbor: the wind. This time, roles are reversed; we shriek, and the captive soul stays silent. Yet we remain the predators, as our shady figure rides with our cold blows and violent squalls, frightening the prey even more. Desiring to try a different type of fear, we toy with our prisoner, wildly tossing the soul around like a pathetic pebble.

We are Waterfright, the Aqua-Fragment, commanding the weakling's unfriendly domain: water. From above, from below, taking many shapes and sizes, we invade the soul's territory with our tidal strength. Pushed by the wind's power, our new ally brings deadly despair instead of refreshing hope, tirelessly spreading its surging messengers across the conquered land or uniting them to unleash a furious frontal assault. Against torrential rain or tidal wave, the forsaken soul stands no chance.

We are Voltscare, the Fulgur-Fragment, commanding the weakling's hasty opponent: lightning. Our swift offender shatters the dazzled prey's ground, violently announcing his presence. The weakling foolishly approaches the light, believing that it will lead him out of the darkness. In his mind light and darkness always clash.

In ours, they always pair.

As our thunderous voices multiply, the soul finally understands. He cannot command a world ruled by wild fear. It is useless to hope in such a world, and we are here to remind him of how pathetic his cocky ambitions really are.

We are Armagedoom, commanding the weakling's fated rival: death. Our greatest ally joins the party, utterly destroying any glimpse of hope left in the captive prey's mind. We are finally united, ready to deliver our final blow. Abandoned, defenseless, the pitiful soul has no more reason to resist us. He is submerged by our power, vanishing when he thought he could ascend above life and conquer death.

Mission accomplished, we return to our master's lair, Mother Nature's reversed twin, the Empress of Disaster.

Lady Nightur greets us, pleased with our performance. Her elegant ebony black dress undulates like lurking shadows. Her long, dark blue hair move like raging waves, always pushed by a mysterious wind. Her light grey eyes shine like lightning, and her skin is white like a skeleton. Where Mother Nature brings life, hope and order, Lady Nightur spread chaos, despair and destruction. We are her messengers, chosen to carry her dreadful will: destroy the disrespectful beings who abuse of her sister's gifts.

May the sinners tremble before us, for we are the PhoBits, Emissaries of Fear.


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Tue Mar 11, 2014 3:37 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here again, and I'm mad. Where's the fire dude? D:

Anyways, onto le review, shall we?

We are many. Yet we are one.


These first two sentences are choppy by themselves. Consider merging them.


That was my only nitpick, because whoa, can I please steal your brain? I don't understand how you cook up this stuff. Completely genius. >_>

There's nothing to critique. Your imagery was lovely, especially when describing Lady Nightur. I don't know if you made her up or not, but I would totally love to steal her. She sounds pretty darn awesome. xD

Anyways, the five.. whatchamacallits.. Fragments. That was pretty awesome. They had some silly names (no offense) but they were detailed and formed so perfectly. You clearly described their purpose, their power, their reason for existing, and how they serve their Lady. Each and every one of them were unique and carefully thought out and you just rock. I loved it. :)




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 5:06 pm
defiantAuthoress wrote a review...



Hey there! Kekai here, to review! Wonderful piece that you have here. I love the imagery and flow that you have in this, and the creatures themselves are wonderfully frightening. There are just a couple things that I would like to address in this:
"In ours, they always pair." This line didn't really make sense to me, in context. Could you possibly expand on it a bit more, to ensure that the reader knows what you're talking about?
"Our greatest ally joins the party, utterly destroying any glimpse of hope left in the captive prey's mind." Once again, I'm slightly unclear on this part. Is the ally Armagedoom? If so, how? I don't fully understand who the ally is. Or are you talking about the Fragments being each others allies? Hm.
Lastly, I feel like Lady Nightur (while I love her characterization), is a little bit over-described.
"Her elegant ebony black dress" could easily just be "Her elegant black dress", and "Her long, dark blue hair move like raging waves" could just be "Her long, dark hair". (Also, I think you mean "moves"?)
In all though, this is a wonderfully-written piece. Keep up the good work, and thanks so much for writing!




TinkerTwaggy says...


Hi Kekai! Glad you took some of your time to review my work :)
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

That's weird, none of the previous reviewers comment about it. Let me explain the idea:
-In the soul's mind (AKA representatin of a regular human being), light and darkness are enemies (which means we humans usually think that Light and darkness are complete opposition). You know, darkness representing bad and light guiding us to the good path common idea. Humans tend to give moral counsciousness to things that are natural.
-in the PhoBits mind, Light (AKA lightning) and Darkness are natural tools that they use to frighten humans. So they always work as a"team", and aren't natural opposite entities.

Not sure if you understood the explanation, but if you didn't, I'll definitly consider being more precise (which is too bad, since it was supposed to be a punchline, but anyway...)

No no, the greatest ally IS Armagedoom. You've probably noticed that after each "we are blabla commanding the weakling's blablabla", I make a small description of what the fragment is and what he does.
I stated that the PhoBits were 5 entities in 1: therefore the 5th ally can only be Armagedoom, the last one mentioned (hence the description after his name).

Is it clear enough? Anymore question?

Yes she is over-described, but I was really aiming for this. I wanted her to be impressive, and adding more adjectives to her description would reinforce the impression that she looks imposing, over the top, god-like. And I did meant "moves", it's fixed now.

I am glad you liked this piece, but I'm still unsure if the little things you mentioned should be modified. I mean... You are the first one to mention that, and I'm not sure what to put instead. I'll think about it though. Thanks for the review :)


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Oh, that all makes sense! The light/dark team thing was a little bit unclear. Since its only me, I probably wouldn't change it. These were just things I noticed; if it comes up again I'd give it more thought. ^^
You're welcome!



TinkerTwaggy says...


Yeah sorry for this, I REALLY wanted to throw this punchline in the story. Glad it makes more sense to you now :)
Ok then! I'll still remember that though, as I hate when people don't understand what I'm trying to say. Pretty much like any writer I guess.
And yeah, for a possible next review ask other questions like the previous one, that also helps me realize what kind of message (or werid things) people can have from what I write.



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Sun Feb 23, 2014 3:11 am
GoldFlame wrote a review...



Flame here! Go Icicles :D!

Your piece had this very natural flow to it, you sliding effortlessly from one idea to the next. I also have to applaud you on your descriptions...they painted some amazing images...

Her long, dark blue hair move like raging waves,


As soon as I saw "long, dark blue hair" I was expecting a cliché. Some thoughts about how her hair was as dark as a raven's wing. Thanks for proving me wrong :D.

So the only issue I have with this...the info-dumping. I found the details easy to process, but not easy to absorb. You also established the impression of a cliché fantasy. It's necessary to subtly introduce it, even in fantasy; drop hints as the plot progresses, to sustain the reader's interest, make the information easier to absorb.

Specific nitpicks...

We are many. Yet we are one. An entity composed of numerous creatures, each with their specific abilities.


Pronoun consistency. The "their" should be replaced with an "our," since you initially refer to the group as "we."

This time, roles are reversed: we shriek, and...


The colon should be replaced with a semicolon.

Overall, an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work!





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