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Young Writers Society


12+

Random Encounter N°1: Pyrospook

by TinkerTwaggy


"Run for your life! It's Pyrospook! The Wicked Wizard is here!

I smiled internally. It has been a while since the last time I heard people cry in fear upon my arrival in a new city.

I entonned a magic chant.

A sudden fire lit my entire being, as if coming from inside my body. My hands became long and sharp, and my nails took a dark color. My mage tunic was magically spared by the hellish apparition, but I couldn't say the same for the flowers around me. People were fleeing before my flaring gaze, and I was delighted by how fearful I still was wherever I marched. It felt good to, at last, be feared and respected.

"Decked out with his scarecrow best, the Wicked Wizard shall destroy the pest!" I sang, overjoyed.

I opened my hand and aimed a random house. A fireball came out of my blackened palm and set the house on fire. I could hear children screaming inside.

"Devilish spirit, strength of all! Who shall be the first insect to fall?"

A group of men armed with rusty swords made the delightful mistake to approach me. With a gracious movement from my hand, I created a fire circle around them. They could not escape. They could only scream in pain and pray for mercy. But they would only burn slowly.

"After the insect come the rabbit. Save your life, hop for it!"

I tranquilly went past the burning men and threw more fireballs at the pathetic houses all around me. Over the screams and desperate rushes of the people, I could already hear some habitations collapsing, consumed by my dancing flames. This time, six armored knights stepped in front of me, two of which on their horses, with spears ready to impale me.

More entertainment.

"There it is, the persistent nuisance! Let me approach you, let me watch you dance!"

I chanted once again, eager to play with my new toys. A rain of fire balls fell down from the sky and hit the city even harder. The knights and the horsemen abandoned their positions and ran away, their armor in flames. The horses fled with them but fell on the ground after a couple of quick steps.

Nobody would escape my flames.

I stopped walking for a moment and looked around, satisfied. I took an abandoned branch in my hand. It immediately took fire, to my utmost enjoyment.

I had no words to describe my forbidden lust. More than causing destruction and chaos around me, more than the almighty feeling I had when doing so, more than the satisfaction blazing bodies brought to me, it was the beauty of flames that pleased me the most. They lit everything in their chaotic path. They carried my infernal vendetta. They brought despair to the ones who once brought despair to me. I went down in flames because of their foolishness: so would they because of my fury. I could not be more content. But I too, one day, will be consumed by my own flames. I knew and felt it: it would not go on forever. Yet I had to enjoy every minute of destruction I caused, for the simple reason that I was treated as evil, and decided to become evil.

"You...You monster..."

I looked down. A wounded kid was staring up at me, full of hatred.

"You're the enemy of God, aren't you? You're Lucifer..."

I gently smiled at the kid.

"You know, little boy, Lucifer means light bringer. He used to be an angel, an Archangel even, but was banished. I'm not Lucifer, kid, but you could consider me as a modest emissary. I do bring light, but a kind of light that only I can enjoy. And that's good enough for me."

Tears of sheer rage came out of the boy's eyes. It was almost touching.

"You'll perish! You hear me?! You'll PERISH! You'll have to wash your disgusting hands after all the crimes you've done, and even after a thousand times, they'll stay as dirty as they should!"

"How troublesome. Then I simply won't ever wash my hands."

For some reason, my answer seem to confuse the kid.

"You... You won't ever wash your hands?"

"No."

My palm silently approached the kid's face.

" 'Cause I'm evil."

The kid didn't even have the time to scream: his body was instantly consumed. At least this one didn't suffer.

While walking away from the destroyed city, I couldn't help but wonder why was washing my hands so important to the kid's eyes. People really put too much attention into meaningless details nowadays.


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Tue Mar 11, 2014 3:20 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Here as requested!

A fireball came out of my demonic palm


Demonic palm... that's a rather interesting way to describe his hand, or rather, his claw. I mean, we already assume he's demonic, so I suggest you scratch out the "demonic" part and instead describe the claw to me. Hairy, scaly, scabby? Talons or something different? Maybe Edward Scissorhands-hands? Something more than just demonic, something that gives me a better visual of his warped appearance.

Besides that, I have one last nitpick: since this is a short piece, using demonic or devilish or anything related to the devil comes off as repetitive really quickly, so be cautious. There are other forms to describe his flames, not just demonic, so use a thesaurus to your advantage.

Besides that, this was some pretty deep stuff you've got here, especially that ending. I know you probably didn't mean for the ending to be funny, but I laughed. The reaction of the child when the demon told him that he would never wash his hands was pretty cute, and definitely the reaction of a child. I think it would've been funnier if you had the child's last words be "that's disgusting" or something.

One thing I found odd was the fact that the demon said "at least he didn't suffer" when the boy died. That seemed out of character for him, and I think you could have formed it differently, to show that the demon was indifferent about him dying, or that he died quickly.

Other than that, very nice so far. You gave us a bit of background on the demon (or whatever he is) and why he does what he does. All we know is that he was mistreated and possibly treated inferior, so he decided that if he was to be treated evil, he would become evil. He does seem like an interesting character to follow, and see more of his past, so I hope the second thing you asked me to review involves him. But so far - nice character development. :)




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 11:54 pm
UshertheThird wrote a review...



Hello! I really enjoyed this story. It's a very exciting way to begin a story, and it stays captivating to the end.

The narration is very enjoyable to read, because the narrator has such an interesting voice. The dialogue is also good, especially the chants. They fit the character, and they add to the story's mood.

The descriptions are great. They fit the scene well, and they flow naturally. They do a good job of conveying the scene to me.

There are a few places where I think the descriptions could be improved.
Some of the word choice felt repetitive. The word "fear" was used a few times at the start, and words such as "devilish" and "demonic" were used a few times close together. Also, the words "kid" and "boy" were used a few times close together. It might help to add more variety to the word choice.

I quickly chanted and began to morph thanks to the power of my incantation.

powerful enough to slice a throat as easily as cutting a bug to pieces

Both of these lines are slightly awkward to read, and maybe they could be rephrased.

They carried my infernal vendetta. They brought despair to the ones who once brought despair to me. I went down in flames because of their foolishness: so would they because of my fury. I could not be more content. But I too, one day, will be consumed by my own flames. I knew and felt it: it would not go on forever. Yet I had to enjoy every minute of destruction I caused, for the simple reason that I was treated as evil, and decided to become evil.

I really like this whole paragraph. In some ways, it justifies the narrator's actions, and it hints toward his motives and his past.

This feels like it would work well as part of a novel. It leaves me wanting to know more about the story. I'm interested to know the narrator's past, and also how his powers work and what limitations they have.

The story is great, and I think some changes in the descriptions might improve it. Keep writing!




TinkerTwaggy says...


Hi UshertheThird! Glad you took some of your time to review my work :)
I am glad you enjoyed it, from the narration to voice and description. Makes me proud: I put a lot of effort into it.

Hm, good point. I'll consider rephrasing them, those lines do feel... Odd. Thank for pointing that out: you're the first one to do it so far.

Glad you like it :) The point of this paragraph is to somewhat justify Pyrospook's actions anyway, and the "They brought despair to the ones who once brought despair to me. I went down in flames because of their foolishness: so would they because of my fury." line is definitly here as a hint.

Oh you think so! Well, Pyrospook is a character I intend to use in my current main novel, GemsWorld Quest (he's been mentioned several times there with the nickname "Pumpkin Ghost"). There we'll definitly learn more about his past, his powers and other infos that'll be revealed later. GLad you're interested by this little experimental story, there will be more of those as well.

Ok then, I'll be correcting/changing stuff as soon as I can. Thanks for the advice, and I WILL kep writing!



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Sun Feb 23, 2014 7:41 pm
GoldFlame wrote a review...



Flame here! Go Icicles! :D

I didn't expect humor to be folded into this, but it suited the theme, somehow. My eyes were glued to the screen the entire length of the piece. I also appreciate that all details were essential to the plot, thus establishing a well-measured pace. It'll be interesting to read a short story from the perspective of an antagonist.

I'm actually going to disagree with the previous reviewers--perfect quantity of description, enough to leave room open for interpretation. But if I can be a harsh critic for a second, I'd recommend diving inside his mind--exploring his emotions, cutting through his thoughts, expounding on his euphoria.

Try as hard as I can, I couldn't locate any technical issues. Your grammar's perfect, except for this one little trip-up here:

"You... You won't ever wash your hands?.."


I'm unsure what the ellipsis is doing after the question mark.

Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more!




TinkerTwaggy says...


Oh, you decided to review this one as well! Neat^^

Yes, I thought humour would add to the devilish side of the story. "I'm evil and I enjoy it" style. Glad you liked it :)
Yes, that was my entry for the Writing Olympics. I do plan to write more antagonist persectives though, so this was a good experience.

Hm. I can understand why you disagree, but I still think they have a point when saying that I need to describe the other senses. It's not the first time I have to face this problem, and I'm still working on it.
Diving into his mind... Dang, and there I thought I had done that enough already. *takes note*

Oh. This wasn't supposed to be here. Fixed now.

Thank! And there WILL be more, I need to write more about GemsWorld Quest, my main series... Anywys, thanks a ton for this review :)



GoldFlame says...


No problem! :D



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Sun Feb 23, 2014 3:55 pm
fictional wrote a review...



This is interesting, somewhat random (hence the title, I guess) as well, and I found it to be thought-provoking.

I agree with the previous reviewer - you have decent imagery here, but try to go beyond images. So the people were consumed by flames - what did it sound/smell/feel like, exactly? Did the air reek of gloom?

I especially liked the part with the poor kid at the end. (I mean, I didn't enjoy the prospect of it, but it was distressing to read about, which is a good thing in this kind of writing, I suppose.) I think that part was written rather truthfully/realistically.

And the last two sentences struck me like a flying train colliding with a helicopter. It's like an inverse moral - yes, we SHOULD pay attention to "meaningless details" (and these details can be many, many things indeed).

I hope this review makes sense to you, though it probably doesn't. Take my suggestions if you want.

Keep writing...




TinkerTwaggy says...


Thought-provoking, huh? How so? The only aim I hwas was to portray a despicable character in action.

Yes, I do need to work on other senses, not nly eyes. I'll experiment with that.

Yes, thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

That is actually my favorite part as well, and I'm glad you like the "realism" in it, since it was the point.

Inverted moral... That's a good interpretation, although I just wanted it to be some kind of casual and odd thought to have after destroying a city.

It does makes sense, don't worry! Thanks for the suggestions.

I will ;)



fictional says...


I somehow find a huge metaphor for life in everything, even if the author didn't intend it ^^ But to me it seemed almost like a commentary on society - awful things happen and we, in perfect knowledge of it, sometimes turn a blind eye to them because they aren't "important" enough.

The last part was especially powerful, as I said - "why do people pay so much attention to [washing their hands] nowadays?" and the hand-washing could stand in for, well, changing your ways, I guess. I found it symbolic of all the people out there who don't understand the need to change our convoluted societal traditions or some other philosophical junk.

Sorry for rambling! :P

P.S. how do I know that you exist? ;)



TinkerTwaggy says...


@fictional
It's a good thing to ask yourself questions^^
Hm, that's kind of the idea I had in mind, but only AFTER writing this line. Thoughtful interpretation there.
That's really interesting. The true reason why I put this line is much less poetic though... *laughs internally*

No biggie!

P.S. Hm... You don't. And that's why it's so interesting :3



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Sun Feb 23, 2014 3:30 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello there! Remember me? I'm from the DreamLand SB. Whatever, onto the review!
So first: I didn't really see any huge grammatical errors. There was one typo where you just forgot a space between 'to' and 'become', but that's it.
For technique, I'd say you should expand the senses. Don't just show us what the fire LOOKS like, but also describe the smell of things burning, and the heat. Fire is a very powerful thing, and it effects so much more than our vision. And also, just a little more sensory detail overall would be appreciated.
As for characters... Oh my gosh I LOVED Pyrospook. He is such a villain (Much better than mine, all of whom aren't technically evil.) and I like how you incorporated his personality into the way things are described.
And lastly, I think the last sentence is unnecessary; it's implied that he finds the hand-washing meaningless already.
Awesome job, Tort!
Ciao!




TinkerTwaggy says...


Of course I remember! You're the writer behind Archer Thomas, aren't you? I have to post for Dreamland, really...

OH SNAP. *corrects the typo at the speed of sound*
Yes, I always have a problem with sense besides looking. I'll have to experience that in my next Random Encounter.
Haha, thank you^^ This was my entry for one of the Writing Olympics events (Good Guys Comes Last), really did my best for it.
The last sentence was pretty much a very common tought in an uncommon situation. It's supposed to be taken in an ironic way, but i guess I was too much inspired by Artemis Fowl...

Thanks a ton for this review, I'll keep writin'!




“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas