z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Shifties: Chapter 2 - Nightmare

by NerdBird


Fierce winds blasted Ashley from all directions, throwing what little debris it could pick up from the cracked concrete and dirt. The sand was sharp against her face adding to the persistent struggle of walking in such high winds. Being whisked from side to side, pushed and pulled much like a breeze toys with a plastic bag. The night had exhausted her both mentally and physically; it seemed the day would be no different. She felt weary. Her muscles were slowly succumbing to the force of the wind, her body shutting down from the heat pulsing from above. And a slowly growing urge to itch everywhere, was irritating her greatly.

The sun dwindled low in the sky, its rays lighting up the land in brilliant oranges and reds. She didn’t have long before nightfall. She had to find cover, and fast. And that was easier said than done in the middle of a desert. Far off in the distance, Ashley could see the Outlands. Its marbled mountains could be seen rising up from the horizon. They were surrounded by a mesh of green laden leaves basking in the light of the sunset. The sweet illusive scent of the forest called to her. It was so close, and yet so far away.

“Stupid wind.” Ashley muttered in spite. If it had not been for the ceaseless gale she could have made it in time. Letting out a deep sigh, she looked for other options. Anything was better than bunking down out in the open. She may as well have a huge arrow circling above her head screaming, “Here I am!”

A crackling sound escaped through the wind. Ashley whirled to face it as an empty crisp packet jolted past, the wind altering its course every few moments. More often than not she would glimpse the odd crisp packet fleeting across the ground, seemingly as lost as she was. Ashley rolled her eyes and continued her course. She didn’t want to be a scared little girl any more. She couldn’t afford to be jittery at every little sound. She was on her own now. Mom and Dad wouldn’t be there to save her next time.

The rustling stopped. Ashley turned towards the packet once more. There, as clear as day, was a small concrete wall surrounded by sand and rubbish. Newspaper, plastic bottles and mounds of crisp packets; all trapped there by the circulating wind. There sat the crisp packet, the foil rustling furiously in the wind not being able to break free of the concrete fortress. Ashley hurried towards it, diving into the trash as if it were freshly fallen autumn leaves. She let out a sigh of relief. After hours of wrestling against Mother Nature, she had found the one spot that she couldn’t reach her. She didn’t care if it was amongst rubbish. If this disaster had taught her one thing, it was to enjoy the little things.

She let the moment sink in a while longer before preparing herself for the night ahead. She shrugged off her backpack, sand wafting up in clouds as she placed it in front of her. Ashley looked down at her clothes. They too were barely recognisable, blending together into a bulky mess of filth and frayed fibres. No wonder they were itchy. As she brushed off the dirt she noticed the colours of her clothes were a stark contrast to the dull brown and grey that surrounded her. The coat strangely made perfect camouflage.

“I guess the dirt will have to stay for now.” She groaned. She hated dirt. She loathed the feeling of grease in her russet locks. She would always be the first to use up what little soap or sprays they could find despite her father’s best efforts to keep them hidden.

Ignoring the nagging urge to scratch she sifted through her packs contents and laid them out before her. She had been careless during the day, scoffing the biscuit bars in order to keep her legs working. In a way she was glad since they were more a likened to cardboard than biscuits. Half the bottle of water was left. The oncoming debris had left more than a bad taste in her mouth, her throat reeling with every breath as though it was riddled with cuts and sores.

Her fingers lingered over the brightly coloured gummy bears. A part of her wanted to eat them then. They would make a fitting addition to what could be her last meal. But the other part of her wanted to save them. She kept telling herself that she could have them as soon as she got to the Outlands. A constant reminder that she had to keep going provided she survived the night of course.

“Pfft…Get a grip, Ashley.” She shook her head belittling herself. She would make it through this. Everything she and her parents had been through would mean nothing if she gave up. She had to carry on fighting; for them.

She passed her hands over the two metal tins, picking at their worn labels. She could barely make out the printed images, blotches of metal poking through the bleached out stickers.

“Beans…or dog food.” She held the dog food in disgust. No matter how often her Dad had told her that it wasn’t as bad as it looked, it would never be her go-to choice.

Ashley popped open the top of the beans, careful not to peel away too much metal, making a gap just big enough to allow her small nimble fingers to scoop up the goodness inside. In the fading light they looked a distasteful shade of brown, not that she minded, beans could be considered a gourmet meal these days, cold or not. After polishing off half the can she licked her fingers, savouring every tomato-y mouthful, although, she mentally noted she may want to dust her hands off first next time. Ashley’s hand hovered over one of the few crinkled crisp packets and delicately placed it over her half opened tin, encasing it round until she was confident that any spillages would be covered.

“A use for everything,” She smiled to herself, remembering her Dad’s words. She placed it near her bag admiring her work, “He’d be well impressed with that.”

Her smile faded as the night loomed. The light had retreated, leaving her at the mercy of the dark. Her eyes drifted towards the stars. Tiny and bright all at once, second only to the blinding light of the moon. Ashley hoped she had put enough distance between herself and the Shifties, but no distance would ever be enough in her mind. She willed herself into sleep, her body constantly tense, waiting for the nightmares to take her in the real world or the dream one.

Walls of cracked paint towered over her dauntingly, their empty shadows chasing her through the narrow street. Shattered glass rose from the dirt and glazed over the window frames before her, old signs lifted off the ground and reattached themselves to their matching shop fronts, and burnt-out cars rose out from the dirt, like they had been buried for centuries, to form a perfect line of parked cars.

Ashley walked the streets observing the curiousness of the buildings around her. The sky and earth were painted a gloomy black and white, yet the bricks and concrete dazzled in the light of the peculiar silver sun. It was very odd to see a town this intact. Something didn’t feel right. A niggling feeling told her she should run.

Run before it happens. Turn away and forget you ever saw the place.

But the shelves were stacked…and the need to know what was in those tins was too much. Her feet dragged beneath her, unable to control them, forever moving her towards the doors of the nearest building.

Ashley observed the sign above the dusty windows, an old supermarket chain of some sort, to find that the automatic doors were sliding away to allow her entry. Panic rose inside her. The doors shouldn’t have opened. They couldn’t. Every inch of her was screaming to flee.

Don’t be stupid Ashley! You have to get out of here! You know what happens next.

She slowly floated towards the abnormal set of shelves; the racks seemed infinite, spreading upwards through the ceiling and into the gloom beyond the counter. Her arms reached for the mysterious tins stacked up in flawless lines on each row. The labels called to her; bright and colourful, flashing enticing images of their contents. Awe overwhelmed her, and she grabbed each can in haste. Spaghetti, sausages, spam, beans, all flashed before her eyes but she was still blind to the one undeniable fact.

Get out!

Each can slowly began to rot; the metal crumpled or rusted, leaving nothing but a hollow shell caked in mould and dust.

A can rolled across the floor before coming to a halt at her foot. Ashley stared at the end of the shelf, not knowing what lay beyond it. Frozen in place, still holding the empty cans, her eyes drifted up the aisle, coming to rest on a wall of fresh paint, still glistening wet. It was hard to resist a habit of old. Even though she could clearly see it was fresh, she slid one of her fingers over the paint just to make sure. As expected, it came away wet, a streak of white and red evident on her finger. Red?

Ashley’s heart raced. Her eyes widened as it all connected. A town in the middle of nowhere, perfectly stacked shelves of food, cars parked neatly along the street. Fresh paint… Her hand streaked across the wall, brushing away the thin layer of deceit to reveal a deep splash of crimson.

Too late.

She made for the door as fast as she could, skidding round the corner of the aisle to be met with hundreds of yellow eyes perfectly reflected in the dimmed out windows. She dropped the cans immediately, their hollow clangs echoing the hopelessness inside her. Dread consumed her. The floor seemingly gave way below, pitching her into a world of dark. Ashley dared to turn towards her killers. A show of defiance? Disobedience? Better to face them rather than be a quivering mess. The iridescent glow lit up the store, the eyes of the Shifties floating in the darkness like torches.

Shame they forgot their pitchforks, Ashley thought. A snarling voice floated on the air not attached to anybody or entity nearby, rumbling across the walls towards her, “Run little girl…run.”

She didn’t need to be told twice. Who was she kidding? She was a stupid little girl, not a hero. She ran through the open doors, down the small street and into the desert. Her feet moved in slow motion, her shack appeared to be miles away the gap lengthening before her eyes. Her heart thundered in her ears like drums chasing her along, fuelling her fear, while the chilling alien screeches nipped at her heels.

She crashed into her makeshift home. The walls were plastered with photos. Childhood memories and family pictures swirled about the room clouding the two curious figures at its centre.

This is wrong, very, very wrong.

The pictures flittered around the room, worn and torn, old and mangled but still the faces of her parents and herself remained. And they were all staring at Ashley, judging her.

The figures grew to an unnatural height and loomed over her. They were her parents but they wore faces of pure hatred, disgust and pity. They said nothing. Their eyes consumed by black, empty and inhuman. Their faces twisted in on themselves until they ceased to be faces. Their skin rippled like violent tides of water until four piercing eyes stared back at her through a dark shroud.

“Come back to ussssss…” They shot forward. Deep screams stabbed at her ears and the eerie yellow aura engulfed her whole.

Ashley screamed. Her eyes flew open and all she saw was yellow. High pitched yapping erupted around her. She screamed anew. It was all over. This was it. This was the end. They’d found her.

A sharp pain exploded in her hand. The yellow dissipated as she rushed back to reality. The muzzle of a mutt had clasped onto her hand. She kicked out at it sharply, forcing it to loosen its grip. Ashley pulled away and the beast leapt back into its pack squealing in defeat. There were three of them, all as shaggy and wiry looking as the next, and their eyes glinted in the dark.

She gazed at her hand. Blood trickled sluggishly down her knuckles. Nothing a dinosaur printed plaster won’t fix, she supposed. Ashley turned her hand round. Clenched in her fist were the gummy bears.

“Damn coyotes.” she grumbled. Tucking the packet into her inside pocket she waved away the leering canines fixated on the bag of jellied treats.

“Get lost, you greedy buggers, and let me sleep!” she huffed. She rolled over on her pile of plastic and pulled her coat over her head. It was pointless of course. She knew she wouldn’t be able to get to sleep again. Not for a long time. So she lay there, desperately waiting for light to come.


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Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:40 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Here once again.

aaand I honestly don't know what to say. I found nothing to nitpick; or rather, nothing that wasn't already covered by the previous reviewers.

But I seriously am blown away. I like this chapter so much better than the first one. Much more details, more background, more insight on this post-apocalyptic world. You definitely know how to use your words to draw in your readers. You weave them in such a way that you entrance the reader. I already know I'm gonna enjoy reading more of this.

I love how developed Ashley is coming along. Already she is starting to harden, but I can see the chinks in her armor. She is still a little girl, and a scared one at that, yet she is tough when she has to be and you're doing a really good job of showing that. You're also doing great with taking it slow and not making her grow up all of the sudden.

The only suggestion I have is try to weasel in some more background history on Ashley and her family. And, of course, this post-apocalyptic world. I'm hungry and have a bunch of questions, and I just want to know why!

Do let me know when chapter three is up. c:




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Fri Feb 28, 2014 2:51 pm
PiesAreSquared wrote a review...



Hey NerdBird, thanks for requesting on my review thread! I’m hungry! This review should take me several hours to finish as I will go over every little thing that I can help with. This story has a lot of emotion and a really nice flow to it. I really like how you use short sentences like

She felt weary.
Simple, concise, and it conveys well.

Fierce winds blasted Ashley from all directions, throwing what little debris it could pick up from the cracked concrete and dirt.

I would suggest using a more powerful verb than “throwing.” Thesaurus.com is a great way to start with editting! I would suggest “hurling” as a replacement.

Being whisked from side to side, pushed and pulled much like a breeze toys with a plastic bag.

This is a fragment of a sentence. It jars readers, and I would suggest adding a main sentence.

her body shutting down from the heat pulsing from above

There are two “from” close to each other, and this makes it more difficult to read, because it is repetitive. Try using different words, or even omit the latter “from,” and the sentence would work great! (I would recommend the latter suggestion.)

And a slowly growing urge to itch everywhere, was irritating her greatly.

“itch” and “irritating” don’t blend well. I would suggest “annoying.” This brings me to suggest bolding all your verbs and looking for stronger ones during your editing process.

its rays lighting up the land in brilliant oranges and reds

This sentence part isn’t really dramatic. I would suggest using more dramatic language like: “its rays brilliantly illuminating the land in fiery tongues of red and orange.” Somehow red before orange sounds more poetic!

She didn’t have long before nightfall. She had to find cover, and fast.

I would suggest combining these two sentences into one. It looks much better and gives a more compact feel to the story.

And that was easier said than done in the middle of a desert.

I would suggest dropping the “And” in the beginning. It would give a greater sense of desperation and despair to the piece. “a” should be replaced by “this” to give a sense of connection to the desert, too!

Ashley could see the Outlands.

Let’s dramatize this a bit. “See” is just so boring! Try “could make out dark glinting mounds on the horizon. It was...” It tells the reader more of what Ashley can see before telling them the name of what she saw, and so gives the reader a greater closeness to the character because a person takes in images before deciding what they are.

Ashley muttered in spite

I don’t believe “in spite” is the best possible terms. Try “spitefully”? I think that is an improvement!

If it had not been for the ceaseless gale she could have made it in time

Comma after “gale,” please.

Letting out a deep sigh, she looked for other options.

“looked”? That’s boring too! “began searching desperately for” looks (:P) much better here, don’t you think?

She may as well have a huge arrow circling above her head screaming, “Here I am!”

I really like the imagery of this sentence. However, I would suggest using “might” instead of “may” although both are acceptable. “might” just seems slightly more powerful.

A crackling sound escaped through the wind.

This sentence doesn’t really make sense to me. Why would a sound escape through the wind? I can’t make head or tail of this. Really sorry about that. :P

Ashley rolled her eyes and continued her course.

I think “trudged on” would do better than “continued her course” which seems rather longwinded.

Mom and Dad wouldn’t be there to save her next time.

“this” time or “next” time? “Next” time infers that “this” time, mom and dad are still here to save her.

Newspaper, plastic bottles and mounds of crisp packets; all trapped there by the circulating wind.

The first portion is not a full sentence so I would suggest not using a semi-colon. Trapped by circulating wind doesn’t really happen. Trapped between the wall and the wind? Sheltered from the wind? Piled high by the wind? These are some of the better imagery I would suggest using, but trapped by the circulating wind i would not suggest, even though it’s perfectly acceptable!

There sat the crisp packet, the foil rustling furiously in the wind not being able to break free of the concrete fortress.

You could add animation to this poorly constructed sentence, as well as making it a brilliantly constructed sentence, as well as add animation to the packet, by putting “at” before not. “There sat the crisp packet, the foil rustling furiously in the wind at not being able to break free of the concrete fortress.” Now the packet has been given life, from a point of view, anyway.

Ashley hurried towards it, diving into the trash as if it were freshly fallen autumn leaves.

If you read your entire paragraph, “it” here refers to the packet, so be careful, and I believe repeating “wall” is a good idea here.

She let out a sigh of relief.

Come on, my dear! Put more life into this piece! “let” out? “heaved” out! YAY!

If this disaster had taught her one thing, it was to enjoy the little things.

I don’t really catch “little things” at the end. Does “little things” refer to the little pieces of garbage? Try refining this sentence. This brings to mind. Try using synonyms of “rubbish” sometimes, like “garbage,” and “refuse!” Rubbish sounds a little worn out.


She shrugged off her backpack, sand wafting up in clouds as she placed it in front of her.

...and? This sentence feels a little incomplete because the second portion feels like a clause. Try altering that?

Ashley looked down at her clothes

“looked” again? Well, once “looked” is just fine, but try not repeating it since it’s such a weak word!

They too were barely recognisable, blending together into a bulky mess of filth and frayed fibres. No wonder they were itchy.

“too” suggests that something else she noticed before had been unrecognizable, so try adding that before. Maybe a broken piece of mirror startled her? Also clothes can’t be itchy. They can give you itch, but I don’t believe that clothes can itch of themselves.

As she brushed off the dirt she noticed the colours of her clothes were a stark contrast to the dull brown and grey that surrounded her. The coat strangely made perfect camouflage.

This two sentences had me puzzled. How can contrast of colours be perfect camouflage? I can’t wrap my head around this!

Ignoring the nagging urge to scratch she sifted through her packs contents and laid them out before her.

I believe there should be a comma between “scratch” and “she.”

scoffing the biscuit bars in order to keep her legs working

Try improving this segment with “through” before “the.” Doesn’t that look better?

In a way she was glad since they were more a likened to cardboard than biscuits

The “a likened” portion is awkward. Try this form: “In a way she was glad as she could only liken them to cardboard, not biscuits.”

The oncoming debris had left more than a bad taste in her mouth, her throat reeling with every breath as though it was riddled with cuts and sores.

This sentence is incomplete. You need to finish it with a segment starting with “but” and relating to the water she has left.

A constant reminder that she had to keep going provided she survived the night of course.

Sentences don’t start well with “A.” There should be a comma between “going” and “provided.” “Of course” somehow just makes this whole sentence seem like a flippant discourse.

She shook her head belittling herself.

More forgotten commas.

Everything she and her parents had been through would mean nothing if she gave up

Gave up when? Now? Later? At the end of the journey?

In the fading light they looked a distasteful shade of brown, not that she minded, beans could be considered a gourmet meal these days, cold or not.

This sentence rapidly shifts from color consideration to warmth consideration. Try keeping the objections consistent!

although, she mentally noted she may want to dust her hands off first next time

I would suggest dropping “she may want” as I think it looks redundant. “her hands” could be replaced with “them” and it would still make perfect sense!

She placed it near her bag admiring her work

Commas!

Her smile faded as the night loomed

I would suggest using “raced towards her” as a more dramatic replacement for “loomed.” You could even try from a different perspective, like “the day dwindled into the west” “the shadows stretched across the plains” something like that looks more interesting, don’t you think? The same applies to the sentence directly following.

She willed herself into sleep, her body constantly tense, waiting for the nightmares to take her in the real world or the dream one.

I think this sentence is rather awkward. I suggest using something along the following lines: “She willed her uncomfortably tensed body to sleep, despairingly awaiting the nightmares she knew would haunt her, in dreams and otherwise.” Don’t you think that’s a little more interesting?

Walls of cracked paint towered over her dauntingly, their empty shadows chasing her through the narrow street.

Wait, now there’s a street that’s narrow? That wasn’t the impression I got earlier. Only a single wall with lots of trash. Also, I believe “walls” isn’t the best description for “paint.” “sheets” or “flaky sheets” looks better I think.

Ashley walked the streets observing the curiousness of the buildings around her

She was sleeping and now suddenly she’s walking? This is a major (read minor but I hype things up) plot hole, I think, and should be fixed. Also, are the buildings curious or is she curious about the buildings? This is a disconcerting yet fascinating idea.

Turn away and forget you ever saw the place.

I would suggest using “this” instead of “the.”

But the shelves were stacked…and the need to know what was in those tins was too much.

Suddenly there are shelves? My dear, how did the shelves get there? How are we to know that? Are the shelves actually rubbish deposited by the wind? Please correct this plot hole!

Her feet dragged beneath her, unable to control them, forever moving her towards the doors of the nearest building.

Are the shelves outside or inside the building? Is she looking through a window? How did the glass remain on the sill? If it has cracked, and she was so desperate, shouldn’t she just smash through the glass? Also this sentence makes little sense. What does her feet try to control but cannot?

Ashley observed the sign above the dusty windows, an old supermarket chain of some sort, to find that the automatic doors were sliding away to allow her entry.

Wait a minute. How does Ashley observe the sign above to find that the doors open? How too does she deduce that it is a supermarket chain? Some tell-tale signs would be appreciated, as well as some semblance of what Ashley is thinking, not too much, because we want the writing to reflect her panic, but not lacking so that we are disoriented rather than following the story!

Don’t be stupid Ashley!

I like how you put her instincts in italics, but this needs a comma between “stupid” and “Ashley.”

She slowly floated towards the abnormal set of shelves

I would suggest using the following construct: “Her feet floated her towards the shelves.” Try not to dump on the reader that it is an abnormal set, rather describe it to show that it is abnormal. Also I notice a discordant use of verb forms. It seems you interchange the -ed suffix and “was” quite frequently, just a trend I see, but try to keep the forms consistent!

the racks seemed infinite, spreading upwards through the ceiling and into the gloom beyond the counter

Reading this correctly, I would have to assume that the counter is up above beyond the ceiling. Also this seems to say that the shelves reach to the skies?

Each can slowly began to rot; the metal crumpled or rusted, leaving nothing but a hollow shell caked in mould and dust.

You could have this more dramatic. “to rot” is pretty shallow. Try “crumbled” and then edit the latter parts!

Ashley stared at the end of the shelf, not knowing what lay beyond it

You just said two paragraphs back that the shelves stretched into the gloom beyond, but now she doesn’t know what’s beyond? Plot hole here?

As expected, it came away wet, a streak of white and red evident on her finger

“As expected” or “As she expected” I think the latter is much more powerful.

cars parked neatly along the street

Cars? Where did the cars come from? I think this chapter could be lengthened by describing all of these things sparsely. No greenery at all? Not even burnt greenery?

skidding round the corner of the aisle to be met with hundreds of yellow eyes perfectly reflected in the dimmed out windows.

A perfectly reflected object would not be coloured yellow. It would be a bright whitish oval, and a dimmed out window reflects very little light, and less color. Also, like I said before, what was with the windows?
Also it was not mentioned that she navigated any corners before, but since she’s heading for the door, shouldn’t it be straight out?

The floor seemingly gave way below, pitching her into a world of dark.

“seemingly”? Why seemingly gave way? It makes sense to omit that. Or to say that her legs gave way below her.

The iridescent glow lit up the store, the eyes of the Shifties floating in the darkness like torches.

“The” or “their.” I think “their” makes more sense for this sentence, and when you use it, the latter part of the sentence can be condensed to something like: eerie eyes floating through the dark like so many torches.

A snarling voice floated on the air not attached to anybody or entity nearby, rumbling across the walls towards her, “Run little girl…run.”

I believe this should be split into two sentences. The break should occur between “air” and “not” with “not” being preceded by “it was.” Also, there should be a comma between “run” and “little girl.”

and into the desert

To add a sense of connection here, “back” should be before “into.”

her shack appeared to be miles away the gap lengthening before her eyes

This sentence portion is a jumble of thoughts. I would suggest doing some revision on it. I don’t understand the point or image being conveyed, so I can’t give any suggestions.

Her heart thundered in her ears like drums chasing her along, fuelling her fear, while the chilling alien screeches nipped at her heels.

I really like this sentence, it has great imagery and really conveys the fear.

Childhood memories and family pictures swirled about the room clouding the two curious figures at its centre.

There should be a comma between “room” and “clouding,” I believe.

This is wrong, very, very wrong.

I believe this should be split into two sentences to give a more powerful feel to this thought line.

old and mangled but still the faces of her parents and herself remained

I believe there is a pause and therefore a comma is needed before “but.”

Their eyes consumed by black, empty and inhuman.

I think you should have a “were” before “consumed.”

the beast leapt back into its pack squealing in defeat

I think the word “to” suits this idea better than “into.” If you want to use “into” try using “pack circle” instead of a pure “pack”

It was pointless of course

Last forgotten comma!


Alright, so I’ve picked out all that I thought was bad in this story, most of which are small minor repeating mistakes, so don’t think it’s all one big mistake!

Your dialogue, even though it is between one person and one person alone, is really realistic and I like it a lot.

I like how the town is actually a nightmare, reminiscent of Inception! The only thing your character lacks is the confusion it should feel in the nightmare, but I think having that only adds to the confusion! I like how items just appear in your dreamstate, even with my objections stated above to it!

You have great potential, and that’s easily seen through this piece!

Keep up Writing!




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:48 pm
Sylar wrote a review...



This was a great second chapter and I hope you put more up soon!

First, I think it should be longer. I dunno how, but it's a fair amount shorter than your first. It's good to keep chapters around the same length.

“The trek was harsher than she expected.” I thought she thought it would be very harsh.

“huge arrow circling above her head screaming “Here I am!” There should be a comma between screaming and here. “screaming, “Here I am!”

“sand spewing up in clumps as she placed it in front of her.” That sounds so disgustingly grotesque, it should be taken out.

“her throat reeling from every breath as though it was riddled with cuts and sores.” You should keep this, but let me just say, it almost made me throw up.

“Tiny and bright all at once.” The sky’s really big, though.

“Run before it happens.Turn away” There should be a space between happens and turn. “happens. Turn away”

“Don’t be stupid Ashley you have to” There should be a comma between stupid and Ashley. “stupid, Ashley you have to”

“Dam coyotes.” *Damn

Aside from that, this was a very interesting chapter. I can’t wait to see where Ashley’s going next, what the Shifties are and what they do, and how Ashley”s world became this gross place.

Alex out!




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:23 pm
GoldFlame wrote a review...



Flame here! Go Icicles :D!

I see you've already received some fabulous reviews, so expect this one to be brief. I enjoyed this chapter more than the first, but I'm not entirely sure why. Were the descriptions more well-executed? Was the pacing as well-measured? Hmm...you've proved improving from perfect possible.

There's scarce to say on your style; you're the kind of person who writing flows naturally to, who can just pick up a pencil and spout stunning descriptions. I'd just appreciate a smoother transition into the dream...and there wasn't really much to indicate that it was a dream. Dreams are generally hazy, and the narrator shouldn't be able to so easily absorb the details of her surroundings... Maybe some mention of the distorted colors, the details that keep slipping past her memories, the crevices in her consciousness, her dulled emotions.

I'm not receiving much on the main character, either. An author's primary goal is to make the reader know their characters better than anyone in real life. And Ashley, as far I see, is ordinary. I'd suggest giving her some quirks, some talents, some flaws--just to stir things up a little.

Specific nitpicks...

Fierce winds blasted Ashley from all directions throwing what little debris it could pick up...


Insert a comma before "throwing."

...and pulled; much like a breeze...


Replace the semicolon with a comma.

The sun dwindled low in the sky its rays...


Comma after "sky," but I believe someone's already pointed this out :D.

There as clear as day was...


Commas should surround "as clear as day."

The light had retreated leaving her at...


Insert a comma before "leaving."

“Dam coyotes.” she grumbled.


Should be spelt "damn."

“Get lost you greedy buggers and let me sleep!”


Commas should surround "you greedy buggers."

Quick lesson on dialogue: If a period concludes it, but the speaker's tag follows the period, then the period should be replaced with a comma, and the speaker's tag should be uncapitalized.

Oh, and while I have the time to say it--breathtaking descriptions. "Marbled mountains"...that has got to be my favorite, that metaphor. Can I steal some of your talent, please :D?

Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more! :D




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:17 pm
WallFlower wrote a review...



Hi again ;)

First off, once again, I really like the plot this story is taking. It's a new twist on the whole dystopian/sci-fi thing.

On to the nitpicks :P

She felt weary, her muscles slowly succumbing to the force of the wind, her body shutting down from the heat pulsing from above and a slowly growing urge to itch everywhere irritating her greatly.


There needs to be a comma after "everywhere."

Newspaper, plastic bottles and mounds of crisp packets, all trapped there by the circulating wind.


Adding the "there" makes the sentence more complete.

As she brushed off the dirt she realised the colours of her clothes were a stark contrast to the dull brown and grey that surrounded her. It strangely made perfect camouflage.


This is unclear. Does it mean her clothing or the dirt? Replace "it" with whichever it means.

After polishing off half the can she licked her fingers, savouring every tomato-y mouthful. Though she mentally noted she may want to dust her hands off first next time.


This is a fragment. It could be fixed by replacing the first period with a comma and making the T in "though" lowercase.

This was another great chapter and the dream was perfect. Shoot me a PM when you post chapter 3 :D

~WallFlower




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:10 pm
Ruby68 wrote a review...



Hi there! Happy review day! I really liked this, I think I liked it even more than the first chapter. I especially enjoyed the dream sequence, it's very well written.
I could only find a couple of corrections that need to be made.

"She had to find cover and fast which was easier said than done in the middle of a desert." This one just needs a comma after "fast."

"Ignoring the nagging urge to scratch she sifted through her packs contents and laid them out before her." This sentence needs a comma after "scratch," I believe.

That's all I could find, really nice job.

-Ruby-




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:04 pm
ClariceArrais wrote a review...



Hi there!
You have a natural gift for writing. The poor Ashley trying to walk and her mood did not change! I like this girl. As I said before, you describe the thoughts, feelings and emotions with deepness and naturalism. I get lost (=])in it, like a deep dive. The hiding, eating, disgusting... She reminds me of myself. The tension she's been through is almost palpable.

The only thing I really thought that was weird was the italics. If you do not use them, the story will be more natural. I know you wrote them to point out the nightmare, it is evident in the title, but it broke the reading flowing. I found it hard to concentrate. My eyes had a hard time reading italis on the pc screen.
Other thing is that I agree with timmyjake about her thoughts. It is easily to identify them using the italics.
But that's all. Your writing rocks. If you exercise these technicalities, you will rock even further.
See you!




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 8:33 pm
Cailey wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!
I know I shouldn't start off with a warning, but for some reason I am really tired today and having a really hard time focusing. I'll try to make my words make sense.

I think you have a really great story beginning here! I really do think this has a ton of potential and I wish you the best of luck as you finish it and work on it. I'm intrigued to know more and find out the whole story. It sounds like it'll be great.

Goodness, my mind is all over the place. Focus, Cailey, what were you about to say?

Where'd she get the gummy bears? They seem out of place and I think you should go back and give more detail about how she first found them or got them. I imagine they would be something really special, but in some places where you talk about them it seems like not that big a deal. Also the coyotes, she barely even reacted! Wouldn't the coyotes just keep attacking her?

I think your character is really good, but I'd like to know more about her. Not like her past or anything, but just who is she? Sometimes it looks like she'll be okay and she knows how to take care of herself. Other times it seems like she really isn't going to make it alone. Try to stick closer to one. I mean, if she's independent and competent it's okay to still be scared and lonely, but there should be one that's most like her.

I just feel like I don't really know Ashley. Probably this is just because it's so early on in the story and she hasn't had that much of a chance to introduce herself. But if you could find a way to add a few more thoughts or reactions then I think that would really help me to be able to identify with her and therefore want her to survive, since at this point I wouldn't be all that sad if she died. Of course this is something that will come up later, but just a reminder to keep on building her up as you continue writing.

I hope this helps! Happy Review Day! Cailey




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Thu Feb 20, 2014 10:03 pm
Wriskypump wrote a review...



alright right down to it firstly :D

"and pulled; much like a breeze toys with a plastic bag." did you mean much like a breeze toy or much like breeze toys? and you only need a comma there not a semi colon, it isn't a full sentence after the semi colon

"She felt weary, her muscles slowly succumbing to the force of the wind, her body shutting down from the heat pulsing from above and a slowly growing urge to itch everywhere irritating her greatly." - this whole sentence was hard on me. I got it all cleanly but maybe consider splitting it up for flow, it seems like it runs on and I forget the beginning of the sentence by the end of it.

"Ashley hurried towards it, diving into the trash as if it were freshly fallen autumn leaves."
Love this part!

"They too were barely recognisable" typo there

' “I guess the dirt will have to stay for now.” She groaned. ' I like this part as a bit of realism. she is talking to herself, is lonely, nice touch.

"the on-coming debris" does oncoming need a hyphen? Again I'm not sure but thinking no

'Dam coyotes' missing the n

Good it was only coyotes, not something far worse :D

After a couple things in the first part there wasn't much more errors that I noticed. Again well written like chapter one. The dream was cool, especially the paint part. I can't wait to read about the Outlands! Great job with this! :)




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Mon Feb 17, 2014 11:46 pm
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TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here for a review, as requested!!!

Thank you for telling me this was up. Mucho appreciated! Now, lets have a look at this! *evil laugh*

Nitpicks

She felt weary, her muscles slowly succumbing to the force of the wind, her body shutting down from the heat pulsing from above and a slowly growing urge to itch everywhere irritating her greatly. ----Woah!! O_o That is one long sentence! Now it may not be technically incorrect, but it seems a bit long and run-on to me.


The sun dwindled low in the sky its rays lighting up the land in brilliant oranges and reds. ---You need a comma inbetween the bolded words there


She had to find cover and fast which was easier said than done in the middle of a desert. ---Sentence doesn't roll of the tongue very easily... I would reword that, perhaps something like this: She had to find cover, and fast. It was easier said than done in the middle of the desert, though. Something similar, anyway


It was so close yet so far away. ---I think if you added a comma and an and inbetween the bolded words, it would help the flow and keep it from being jerky


Anything was better than bunking down out in the open; she may as well have a huge arrow circling above her head screaming “Here I am!”. ---I would make the two parts of the sentence that are separated by the semicolon two sentences, splitting them apart where the semicolon is. And a comma is needed inbetween the two bolded words.


There as clear as day was a small concrete wall surrounded by sand and rubbish ---This sentence is a little more difficult for me to just point out where commas are needed, so I will just rewrite it for you. [I]There, as clear as day, was a small concrete wall surrounded by sand and rubbish... etc[/]


In a way she was glad, they were more a likened to cardboard than biscuits. ---A since or as or some other transitional word would help in-between the bolded words or just start a new sentence there. Whatever your preference.


“Pfft…Get a grip Ashley.” She shook her head belittling herself. ---I am going to just rewrite this one for you. "Pfft... Get a grip, Ashley." She shook her head, belittling herself.


In the fading light they looked a distasteful shade of brown, not that she minded, beans could be considered a gourmet meal nowadays, cold or not. ---You slip into present tense when you say nowadays, I think


Ashley hoped she had put enough distance between herself and the Shifties but no distance would ever be enough in her mind. ---A comma is needed in-between the bolded words


Don’t be stupid Ashley you have to get out of here, you know what happens next. ---You need a period in-between the bolded words


Ok, so I am going to suggest something now, since I am reviewing it as I go through the piece. Why don't you put her thoughts in italics, like the part I pulled out above, and put the rest as normal text. I understand that you are trying to convey to the reader that she is dreaming, but it doesn't look or read right... As long as you tell the reader somehow in a not-so subtle way that she is dreaming, plain text will work great!

So I would say that your main problem with writing isn't style, or even lack of imagery. Its the lack of punctuation, which is an easy fix! If you look at my nitpicks I pulled out, the majority of them are all commas and periods... If you do a few more reads, I think you will find them all! :D (I am sure that I missed a few, so don't take this as perfectly looked over, either. I am pretty sure I am human, too. xD)

Fav and style

You might notice that this part is shorter than nitpicks, but don't mistake it in a negative way. This is a truly awesome story and you have me hooked. I love your character. She seems so... genuine! She has a fire inside her, which I love! And she isn't all powerful, which I love too. And she isn't too courageous either. She still feels fear.

You style is wonderful. I love your pacing! Your imagery was stunning. I could see everything you told me. And another thing you do is that you don't fill the page with huge words that I have to look up in order to understand what you are saying.

Let me know when the next one is up! I am going to be waiting, not so patiently.
~Timmyjake




NerdBird says...


Thanks! ^-^ Much appreciated Timmy! Most of the sentences needed a look over on my part but I was too eager and uploaded it anyway :')
I've since gone over the lot and made your changes as well as some others! :)

Im glad your like Ashley :D Admittedly I did have some trouble trying to understand her in the beginning but she quickly told me what was what :)

I really love and appreciate your feedback :) hopefully I will have the time around work and writing to repay the favor. :)

Will crack on with the next part for your sake :P




Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers