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The Tales of the Argonauts: The Osorezu and the Hana (Chapter 1-1)

by ulala8


Chapter 1: The Osorezu and the Beginning of the World

The Past

In the beginning, there was nothing but fire. Flames burst from the grandest of mountains like serpents of fiery rage, lashing out for the cooler air to scorch it. Ash consumed the clouds which loomed in plumes of oblivion above the Hell below, litten by the golden glow from the belly of the mountain. A great beast lived within the largest mountain by the name of Hono --his name came to mean “burning”. He was responsible for the tongues of fiery red that slipped into the sky and singed the air black.

Lava flooded from the mountain, like rivers, and it would pool in the valley below. The hellish lake would simmer, and pop, and burn, reaching a deadly climax; finally losing its furiosity. It would then cool into rock and await the next flood. The rock built on top of itself, layer after layer, until it could no longer be flooded by the rivers of fire from the mountain. Soot rained down upon the surface of the hill, settling down and beginning to form soft, charred earth.

This earth gave birth to the first human being to have life in his lungs. His name was Osorezu. His basalt eyes searched over the dead land in pursuit of some sort of haven. His stomach rumbled as if a beast were trying to scream for food. However, no matter how far his eyes looked, the earth, blanketed in fire and lava: nothing remotely consumable was in sight.

His eyes focused on the mountain once more, and peered into a large lava tube. As he watched the inside of the mountain, he soon found that it was a beast within the heart of the rock that was causing the fire.

Rising from the pile of ash- fire licking at his skin and causing him to hiss out in pain- he looked upon the mountain. It was the only obstruction until the horizon. He was helplessly drawn toward the looming crag.

Then, in an instant, it exploded, fire reaching out like hands, and fireballs raining down. Osorezu panicked and buried himself in the earth, covering what he could. With every moment that he stayed underground, he could feel the earth trembling. His first thought: “is the earth crying?” Closing his other senses and listening to the environment, he could hear the sounds of death all around him. There were lives seeking to find freedom from the dirt. However, the rain of fire snuffed out their chances. Osorezu could feel his blood boiling for the innocence that was being destroyed.

Rising from the ashes when all hell was finished, he said, “The creature that lives inside of that mountain is killing this world. It is my job as Osorezu to purge the world of that beast.”

And so, the man called Osorezu began to ascend the mountain. The soles of his feet blackened and the hairs of his body burned, yet he did not stop-- not once. Reaching the lip of the mountain, he peered down deep inside. Instead of seeing fire, or seeing lava, he saw the bald head of a monster. Horns, as many as three of Osorezu’s own height, grew from its skull, bending up in wicked curls and curving out at the end. His skin was as scarlet as the fire that he birthed and his eyes just as consumed with darkness as coal. Osorezu inhaled a hot breath before he leaped down upon the skull of the beast.

The beast growled low in his throat, the vibrations sent through Osorezu’s feet. It made the human tremble in his skin. Osorezu wrapped his arms around one of the mighty horns of the beast, trying to keep himself stable as the head began to move. Upon feeling discomfort, Hono reached up his fat fingers and began to scratch at his head. Osorezu panicked and leaped up, onto the beast’s horn. He prayed that the stubby fingers would miss him.

A low growl emitted from the beast once more.

“What on this earth…?” His large fingers searched over his bald head for the creature that had disturbed him.

Still feeling for the source of the discomfort, the fingers began to frisk the other horn. Osorezu knew that he was only moments away from being identified. He’d certainly be incinerated. Vivid images painted his vision of a painful death, burning away in the lava.

He took his chance and dropped off of the horn, onto the beast’s large head. He dove passed the searching fingers and slid down the bridge of his nose. Realizing the inevitable plunge to the ground, he flailed. He flung his hand out and grabbed onto something. That something just so happened to be Hono’s wicked eyebrow. Osorezu was sent dangling just before the beast’s eye.

With a jolt, the beast began to reach toward the human man. He was left with no choice. He kicked, sending his foot into the giant eyeball.

The beast unleashed a horrible scream, hands seizing and fidgeting as if they had lost control. Osorezu pressed the the foot in farther, beginning to lose his grip on the hair.

The beast began to wobble, and he toppled forward. Osorezu felt as if he’d been struck by lightning in those moments. He could feel panic in his veins. He grabbed onto whatever he could to keep from falling. He closed his eyes, afraid of the nearing ground. A breath of air shot into him and he opened his eyes just in time to leap to safety. Hono's face smashed into the ground, Osorezu watching from a safe distance. He would have been crushed.

The ashen rain ceased and the fires died. The clouds of ash that once blanketed the sky broke. Sunlight began to pour through the top of the mountain and plant-life began to burst forth from the earth. Osorezu smiled at what he had done and he began to exit the mountain through one of the tunnels that had been leftover from the lava.

In every direction, there was green. Grass was quickly growing from the fertile ashen soil, as were trees and bushes and flowers. The grass spread wildly and new life began to emerge from the plants; there were small, winged creatures that flitted from flower to flower; there were small, furry creatures that ate the grass and made homes in the earth; there were even elegant creatures that only lived among the trees that would come into the grass and eat one of the many rabbit. The world began to take shape in a way that surprised and amazed and delighted Osorezu.

He began to walk through the grass and the feeling of softness brought kindness into his heart. He smiled and continued on until he came upon something new. The grass ended and the forest ended. In a valley that had been carved out by lava, was a long, deep river of some cold and nice liquid. He named this substance Yatsu. With cupped hands, he brought the substance to his lips. Not only could he drink it, but it felt nice within him: trickling down his throat and washing his hot being with icy coldness.

Osorezu turned and began to walk with the flow of the Yatsu. The forest began to grow loud with the sounds of blooming life. He saw many flying creatures and he called them San. Osorezu stopped walking so that he could look into the forest. Fingertips grazing the bark of a tree, his curiosity led him deeper into the forest. It wasn’t long before he had gotten himself lost. He walked until his feet began to ache. Then, he chose a rock and sat down, beginning to massage the soles of his battered feet.

That was when a voice came from behind him, much like his own, only higher in pitch.

“Are you the slayer of Hono?” Osorezu turned toward the source of the voice and smiled. The voice had come from another person just like him, only the chest and hips were much larger, and the waist was far thinner.

“I am. How do you know?" he asked, his eyes wandering over her body. It was so different, yet so the same as his own.

"Everyone knows. The creatures that live, the plants that grow: we've all seen what you did. The beast of the mountain has been slain at your hand. You've saved us all," she explained. "For hundreds of years, we've been born and forced to watch out brothers and sisters die in the fire. You've unleashed us from that horrid cycle."

"Who are you?” he asked, standing. “What to call this one?” he thought.

“I am Hana. I am Ningen, like you.” She told him before moving closer to him. “Each creature here has a mate. Each pair creates offspring. There will be more Ningen born from the earth, but until then, I wish to be your mate.” She said, holding her hand out for him to take.



Thus, Osorezu and Hana ushered a new era of life from the ash and fire. This was the era of Ningen; the era of man.


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Fri May 09, 2014 11:31 pm
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Messenger wrote a review...



Hi! I completely forgot about this, I'm so sorry. But, alas I have finally made it.

Spoiler! :
Please don't kill me :)

So, shall we begin!

Well, this felt really weird for me to read as a Christian, because it kind of felt like you are making your own version of evolution and creation, but I'm not going to sit on that.

Let's start with the bad stuff first.

The way the Osorezu is created was really rushed, and to be honest, not very detailed as to how it happens. If man can come from this despicable creature's destruction, why can't the other stuff?

The fight scene needs a lot more detail. While we know that Hono is bad, and ugly, we don't know his size till he falls (that is a little too late don't you think?) which makes it hard to imagine. Also, you say that Oseruzo jumps right into his head. If Hono is so big, and he has these massive horns, (we don't know how high up Oseruzo is) wouldn't that jump be very risky? I mean he could very easily get impaled, and how on earth could he pull off one of the horns?

While we are on the subject of the meeting of the two, why on earth does Oseruzo want to kill Hono? If he was made from Hono's destruction, wouldn't he instinctively tend to do just what Hono is doing? And if the world was nothing before Hono began to burn it, then why would Oseruzo think "he's killing the world, so I need to stop him!"

The ending, as said by Noelle was too rushed. Just try to slow things down. This is a spot where more detail could be given. And like noelle said, since when were there other people?


Now to the good!

Your detail is your strongest point right here. The way you describe everything is very thought out and well-written. you need to be a little more creative when it comes to explaining the fire (as stated by a previous reviewer) but for the most part I can really envision almost everything that is going on.

Your fight scene was pretty good. I'd suggest adding more emotion to this whole chapter (fight scene especially) but it seems more like it is written in a documentary type of style. The action was paced well, and so was the description of the pain Hono was going through.

The part where everything turns good was a really cool transition. It was really pretty and fun to read! The part with the flying creatures was kind of confusing, and I think you could add more color and vibrancy to it, but it was still good!
Hope this helps!!


~Messenger




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Mon Apr 21, 2014 3:59 am
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GreenLight24 wrote a review...



Hey there! This is even awesomer than before! I see you fixed some of the syntax during the scene where O goes to fight the monster. Nice job! :)

I also must commend you on your longevity here! One of the hardest things for me is sticking with a novel all the way through and keeping myself interested. I can tell you've out a lot into this. :D

Never stop writing!!!




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Mon Mar 31, 2014 11:44 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

You've got a nice introductory chapter here. I know that it's part of the story and all that, but it definitely feels like this is an introductory chapter; maybe something like a prologue. It seems that way because of all the information you give us. That's not a bad thing of course, it's actually really good! I feel like I can really understand the story as I read on.

I'm quite interested by your characters here. I can't figure out if they are gods or just normal people. I know that the monster that Osorezu killed was a monster (duh). But I'm not too sure about what/who Osorezu is. After reading over this again, I realize that Osorezu is not a god. I still think you should clear this up a bit though. Because from the beginning I thought he was a god because he just appears out of nowhere, being made from the earth and all that.

I have to say, your imagery is great. I really like how you took time to really describe everything. It's always important to describe the setting when you've created a new world. The readers don't know what this world is like, obviously, so imagery is a major part of storytelling. I think it's cool how this world goes from terrible and unlivable to wonderful and livable after the monster is killed. Interesting that the monster had such power over the world.

The ending seems a bit rushed to me. Osorezu is walking around naming everything, and then all of the sudden there's this lady, Hana, declares that he will be her mate. I wasn't aware that anyone else lived in this world. Nor was there any indication that there was another being there besides the animals. Here Osorezu is, walking around exploring the world, and then all of the sudden he's agreeing to be the mate for this woman he doesn't even know. I feel like Osorezu would want to spend more time wandering around and exploring this world before he even thinks about having a mate. Just something I observed.

Overall I have to say that this is a a good beginning to your novel. Like I said, I really like how you gave us so much information in this chapter. Now I will know exactly how all this started and why things happen later on in the story.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




ulala8 says...


Thank you so much!! Just as a reference, time flows differently in the first half of the chapters. Osorezu has been wandering for days, weeks, months, ... The time frames are addressed, indirectly, later.



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Mon Feb 24, 2014 4:12 am
Aley wrote a review...



In the beginning, there was nothing but fire. Flames burst from the grandest of mountains like serpents of fiery rage, lashing out for the cooler air so as to scorch it. The clouds were made of ash and they loomed in plumes of oblivion above the Hell below. A great beast lived below the largest mountain by the name of Hono --his name came to mean “burning”.


I just wanted to point out how many times you used fire so close together. I'd suggest some more descriptors like plumes, or maybe ash, stone, molten rock, great red lava stones. Break it up a bit.

Nice use of tone to set this up. It sounds very conversational like we're being told a myth.

In the next paragraph you use "would" a lot, just tell us it DID pool like rivers, etc.

Earth, same thing. I don't think I need to keep pointing out your repeated words.




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 7:15 pm
NerdBird wrote a review...



Hi there! Your friendly neighbourhood Nerd Bird here for a review!

I liked this! A very good alternate version of the creation story, though I must say I favour yours more!

I loved everything down to the cool names Osorezu gave everything. As I read more I hope this'll be expanded on! :)

I do have some nitpicks BUT they seem to have all been covered in previous comments, the only thing I will add is there is a lot of mentions for fire, and ash, try not to repeat yourself too often, or if absolutely necessary find a synonym to solve the issue. :)




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 6:58 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



That was very different and unique.

Well, I only had one nitpick

Rising from the pile of ash, he looked upon the mountain and said, "the creature that lives inside of that mountainous killing this world.


The word
the
should be capitalized.

Other than that, it's ok! Nitpick wise anyway.

This is completely original. Actually, if I didn't know better, I would say it is fanfiction. Description is at its best and the fight makes me wonder how big this dude was. Unlike some, you describe the image and the characters at their full, without it being an awkward description. Great job! Keep writing!

~lost




Messenger says...


it's [quote][/quote]



lostthought says...


That may explain a lot..



ulala8 says...


What makes it feel like a fanfiction?



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 5:28 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello. Turns out I do have enough time.

Let's start off with the nitpicks:

In the beginning, there was nothing but fire. Fire burst from the grandest


Okay, so tiny nitpick, but since you ended the sentence with "fire," you don't have to begin the next sentence with "fire" since you're still focused on the same subject.

Lava flooded from the mountain, that he called home,


You don't need a comma after "mountain."

they would pool into the valley below.


Add in bolded word.

The Lava would simmer and pop and burn


I assume you don't mean to personify lava and accidentally uppercased the l?

his hand began to grab at the area where his horn at been.


I think you mean: had.


Okay. Now that the nitpicks are out of the way, we can focus on the plot.

I liked it. I think you did a great job with describing the fight and the main characters and their appearances. Your imagery was beautiful and woven nicely throughout the story, with the way you detailed the things Osorezu discovered and the scenery around him.

Overall, I can't critique much on the plot. Just the way you wrote it was very nice; it kept me interested the entire time. You did great with describing the action without overdoing it; same with the scenery. Nice work. :)




ulala8 says...


Thank you. Can you post your story on my wall? I lost it.



Iggy says...


What story?



ulala8 says...


Nvm. Sorry. I got two people mixed up.



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 4:20 am
illitar wrote a review...



I liked the way that the words are chosen and written almost like a legend passed down and written in old tattered books. its another way to look at the creation and idea of Adam and eve. creation from destruction, as is all of circling lives and new beginnings start from death and loss.

I like it. there was one thing that bothered me though. the excessive use of the "and" but it make the passage more old and antique. I don't know about grammar so i am not going to bother but this story was different and i wasn't expecting it to me like this when you messaged me.




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 4:10 am
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GreenLight24 wrote a review...



Woah! That was very cool! :D I really like your idea of a new take on a post-apocalyptic re-genesis if you will. You seem to have a very descriptive style of writing, and that is perfect for a narrative such as this one. The series of events was clear, and the imagery was absolutely amazing. I also enjoyed the irony that Osorezu was actually bron from the fire and ash created by the monster that he was destined to destroy. Cool ideas there. I can tell you've thought this out pretty well and you seem to have a pretty good grasp of where you want to take this narrative next. My belief is that the most important thing that the first chapter of any fantasy novel has to do is to introduce the reader to the novel's reality. This chapter was extremely effective in doing so.

The only thing I can really point out that I think needs work is the progression of the scene where Osorezu goes to confront the monster and defeats it. Not only does the syntax become a little bit disjointed, but the whole thing seems like it's waaay to easy for him. I mean, this is a post-apocalyptic volcano beast we're talkin' about here. There's gotta be more to defeating it that pulling off it's horn and stabbing in the eye. Other than that, you did a good job. ;) Thanks for linking me to this. I enjoyed it. Keep writing and I hope this was helpful! :D




ulala8 says...


Oh believe me, Hono gets a LOT harder to defeat later when man is less strong.



GreenLight24 says...


tight! Keep me posted. :D



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 4:04 am
Gravity wrote a review...



Okay, so I told you earlier that fantasy isn't my thing. But I'm always willing to try new things.
Except drugs. That's not good.
Anyway, I felt like I was reading Genesis. I would know what reading Genesis feels like because I've done it. At least 3 times. The beginning was good. I loved what you had about that monster, Hono just sitting in that mountain and burning everything with lava. It looks like your MC (he has a really difficult name to spell. I shall call him O), so O creates and names things. Why not make him God, then? Why make him emerge from the ash of an evil monster if he is good? Sorry, that didn't make much sense to me.
It looks like this place, whatever it is, is just earth. Except everything has different names that are really hard to remember. I like what you've got going here, except I think you need to make this different from Earth. Describe the creatures more. When you tell me about furry things on the ground called Usa I think of Rabbits. When you say Creatures that live in the woods that sometimes eat these furry creatures, I think wolves. So now you've put me in this mindset that this is just Earth. With different names.
I feel like every animal you mention has a copy on Earth so that's odd. Again, loving the premise and I can't wait to find the plot. I'm also loving the intro of the girl. That sounds awesome, can't wait to see what happens there. Except, where did the girl come from? Are peeps here naked? If not, how do they get clothing? I just need better descriptions of animals and characters.

Okay, I found a sentence that was awk.

Lava flooded from the mountain, that he called home, like rivers and they would pool in the valley below.


This is a weird sentence, with a great meaning. Try taking out some commas and smoothing things over so it sounds like something closer to this "Lava flooded from the mountain that he called home and like rivers, the lava pooled into the valley below." And I found some places that you have parenthesis where you don't need them.

The grass spread wildly and new life began to emerge from the plants; there were small, winged creatures that flitted from flower to flower (Osorezu named them Mushi);
You do this several times, I'm only going to demonstrate how to fix it once. You're a smart person, you wrote this awesome story after all. I'm sure you can figure it out :)

So eliminate the semi colons. You don't need them. My rule is: When in doubt, stick with a comma. Try making this whole thing into this:

"As the grass spread wildly and new life began to emerge from plants, small winged creatures flitted from flower to flower. Osorezu named them Mushi." ta da!

Okay. So that's all I have to say. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep Writing, and you have a great start here.

-Gravity




ulala8 says...


This is set in a parallel world to Earth, so some of the creatures are the same. Besides, it's very hard to just plop a reader down in a world that is completely alien.
Osorezu is not God. He is man. Man destroyed the spirit Hono that terrorized the earth.



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Tue Feb 18, 2014 2:02 am
CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Cardinal CesareBorgia here for a review.

Nitpicks:

This is a really good story because I didn't find any nitpicks. And I find a lot of nitpicks.

Literary comments:

I love how this story is told in such a folktale manner. It's a real delight to read C:

Also, i have to note such good vocabulary usage in this part of the story.

The Lava would simmer and pop and burn until it finally lost its furiosity at which point it would cool into rock and await the next flood.

Conclusion:

All in all great story. Love how you kept the story short and not long as crap xD


See you in the next chapter.

Best of luck in writing ^__^




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Mon Feb 17, 2014 2:16 pm
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defiantAuthoress wrote a review...



My friend, this is great! I really do love the creation story that you have here. Is it something you came across, or did you make it yourself? Either way, your imagery is fantastic. Everything is very vibrant and I love the way you describe things. You've done very well capturing my attention in the first paragraph and keeping it throughout.
If I were to have any criticism, I would say that you need to work on your phrasing and comma/semicolon placement. While the imagery is good, a lot of times your sentences ramble on a little bit, or the phrasing is awkward. Don't sacrifice smooth flow of the sentence to sound more formal or fancy; with a myth like this one, a couple simpler sentences won't look out of place. A couple places where I see this:
"He continued to walk until his feet began to ache, whereupon he chose a rock and sat upon it to massage the soles of his battered feet." This would be easier to read if you maybe changed it to: "He walked until his feet began to ache. Then, he chose a rock and sat down, beginning to massage the soles of his battered feet."
"He brought the substance to his lips with cupped hands and found that he could drink it and that it felt nice within him." I would say: "With cupped hands, he brought the substance to his lips. Not only could he drink it, but it felt nice within him." I would also go on to describe how it felt nice.
"Lava flooded from the mountain, that he called home, like rivers and they would pool in the valley below."
"The Lava would simmer and pop and burn until it finally lost its furiosity at which point it would cool into rock and await the next flood."
Even though there are things that could be improved, this is one of the coolest story concepts I've read in a long time, and I can't wait to read more! Thank you so much for taking the time to write and post.




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Mon Feb 17, 2014 12:30 am
bookboysarebest says...



I really enjoyed reading this, and found it really interesting. I particularly liked the folk-tale like feeling to it. Very well written, and very descriptive. The contrast between the fire and the after math it left (life) was really cool. And the last bit was really cute :)




ulala8 says...


The chapters are going to be released in two parts: the folk-tale that I submitted now, and a telling of the story in the present. It's almost two stories being told as one.




What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor