z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Shifties: Chapter 1 - Lost

by NerdBird


Lost

Boom!

Ashley stared, her face soaked with tears. The Shifties had found them. And it was her fault.

She watched her parents dance with death while she was safely hidden within the walls. Like a coward.

"It’s my fault...and I can't help them." her breath caught in her throat.

Her mother had put her here, in the hidey hole in the wall, where they stashed the food in case coyotes broke in. Now it was her turn, her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch, her back damp against the mould, choking on the stuffy air. She almost felt sorry for the food.

The terrifying screeching had withered to a faint humming and the shotgun nothing more than a rattle. Flashes of gunpowder had blurred her vision, small coloured spots floated around her and in between the cracks of the splintered wood. Through those cracks, time seemed to move slower. The Shifties preyed on her parents, though she didn't know what they were. Blacker than the darkest night and dotted with glowing yellow specks, their hauntingly bright yellow eyes piercing the shadows as they surrounded her parents.

Her mother, beautiful, had she not been covered in dirt and blood, darted back and forth, slashing at the air wildly, one hand grasping onto her father slumped against the back wall.

Ashley froze. He was injured. Deep red slowly dripped down from his shoulder, the shotgun held limply in his right hand. His face was scrunched up in pain. He fumbled in his pocket for more shells. Ashley shuffled forward, her forehead pressed to the wood helplessly. Biting her finger in desperation she silently whispered to him, come on Dad, come on.

Two fresh shells emerged from the depths of his trench coat, and were placed shakily but surely in their place.

Arrrgghh!

A shrill shriek tore through the air and the body of her mother collapsed to the ground, blouse stained through with blood, her eyes wide in terror.

Ashley stifled a cry. Tearing into her finger, grinding her teeth deep into the skin to muffle the sound.

Her own screams filled her head as fresh tears overcame her.

Her father dropped to her mother's side, lifting her lifeless body up, grief overcoming pain. Ignoring the swarming creatures, he hugged her to him, stroking her hair and yelling in disbelief. Everything Ashley couldn't. She bit harder. Then he looked to her. She knew he couldn't see her. But he knew that she was crouched there, writhing in pain, just as he was, despite not having any physically wounds.

This was it. This was the end. He knew it. She knew it.

It can't end like this...

-*-

She woke with a start, choking on the dust and spores of mould that had settled in her mouth. Disorientated, she straightened up only to hit her head on the low ceiling. She groaned and carefully soothed her sore head with her right hand. She must have passed out. She paused. Her heart sank and her pulse began to race.

She squinted her eyes against the sharp light penetrating the wooden panels encasing her.

Oh God...

She shook her head from side to side desperately searching the four corners of her confinement.

The air had grown thicker and musty threatening to suffocate her. Her shirt clung to her skin making it tingle in the mixture of sweat and stale water.

Oh God no.

She refused to believe it, even though her surroundings told her otherwise. She repeated it over and over in her head. It wasn’t a dream. It had happened. Her parents were gone. They had taken them. She was on her own. Ashley pushed herself back against the rotted wood, forcing her arms to the sides; she screamed in pain and frustration. Pressing harder against the wood, she breathed heavily, hoping the pain would flow into the planks themselves.

It had taken them weeks to build up to an attack, but only a matter of hours to destroy her whole world.

Dazed, she slowly lent forward to peer through the cracks of splintered wood. She could only glimpse at the few inches before her but those few inches were enough to confirm the worst. She shut her eyes against the tears, waiting for them to pass before looking again. Unconsciously her hands drifted towards the front panel, fingers tracing the small seam that had blocked out nothing and everything.

Something so small and simple. Had they had the sense to look, she'd be gone along with her parents. But her parents distracted them. Instead of running, instead of hiding, they had stood their ground, to save her.

She pushed firmly in the top two corners of the splintered wood. She heard a faint squeak as the wood was teased from its frame before a hard thud rang out and escaped into the distance.

Ashley opened her eyes. Her matted hair did little to obscure the barbarity they had left behind. Peering through the thick strands, a scene of horror quickly unfolded before her.

The corkboard her Father had lain down to make the floor seem more even still remained. But layered on top of it was a swirling pool of dried blood, baked into a crisp carpet in the midday sun. Ashley crept forward, her mouth filling with a familiar raw metallic taste. The distinct smell of iron lingered in the air. On closer inspection, she could make out hand and footprints and the streaks of clear board where her Father’s coat had swept across the ground. Dispersed all over the run-down shack were empty shotgun shells, though the gun was nowhere in sight. Powder marks scorched the floor and shrapnel scattered the walls where shells had failed to hit their target. The blood seemed to drift away from the ramshackle remains, smearing into the dirt beyond, leaving long wide trails of thick liquid, like something had been dragged. She stood up hesitantly, her keen eye following the path of crimson. The trail soon thinned out, blending with the brown and grey earth before coming to rest at a large body masked with grime.

“DAD!” she screamed.

She ran as fast as she could towards the heap, ignoring the blistering heat pulsating around her.

Skidding on the barren ground, dust flying up in clouds, she grasped the mound with force. She cried out as burning sand buffeted her, spraying up from the brunt of her grasp. She wiped her eyes desperately, blinking away the scratching pain behind them.

With black spots blotting her vision she pushed the coat aside only to have it crumple under its own weight. He wasn’t there. He never had been. A single sob escaped her dry throat. Painful and guttural. She pulled the trench coat towards her, clutching it underneath her chin as tears trailed down her cheeks.

Her lip quivered as she stared into the cracked ground. She was completely alone.

She stood with some effort, her legs quivering under the weight of her realisation. She fed her arms through the sleeves and dragged it over her shoulders. The sweltering heat was instant. It had been baking in the strong rays for hours but she didn’t care - it brought her a strange feeling of comfort, like her father was hugging her, his warmth relaxing every muscle in her body. The dull scent of burnt ash filled the air around her, emanating from its fibres. Ashley drew the coat further around her, encasing herself with her father’s aroma. As she concentrated, she could smell fresh earth, the smell of the forest just as fresh rain had begun to fall. She could almost hear the rain cascading across the hard soil. If she couldn’t have her father, then she could at least have his memory. And that was more than enough. For now.

Bewildered, Ashley trudged back towards the shack, her feet scraping heavily along the cracked earth. As she skirted the border, she turned back to the wasteland stretching out before her.

It was hard to believe that it was once a great city inhabited by millions. Now desolate, lifeless, inhabiting only the rubble of lives left behind. This is where they had camped for the week. The shell of an old shack that used to house the fuse box connected to all the houses in that street. The East wall was largely intact; the window crooked and boarded up with rusted road signs. Her Father had insisted on collecting the shattered glass that littered the floor. He believed that everything had a purpose; they just didn’t know it yet. The floor was a mixture of dirt and concrete cracked by withering weeds. The corner nearest the south wall had collapsed into its foundations. This was where they had kept the fire. Set into the ground with just enough of the wall surviving to keep it hidden from prying eyes. On the opposite side lay the crumpled remains of the water tank. The tank had sat directly in front of the food cupboard. Now the pipe was contorted and twisted, broken away with some force. And the harsh light revealed three tears embedded deep in the metal, the alloy curling away from the impact as if it were alive.

They had been that close. She breathed heavily, her heart racing yet again. The past few months had affected her in way she couldn't have anticipated. But this was something different. She'd been within inches of them. Hearing about the Shifties through vague rumors was nothing compared to the real thing. Over the past weeks she'd become desensitized to the stories, thinking them more speculation than truth. But they were very, very real indeed.

She couldn’t stay. They knew she had been there. She had led them here after all. They would come back for her.

Ashley glanced from the tears to the blood. She'd definitely seen her mother die. The vacant expression and lifeless body her father had helplessly comforted was in-grained in to her brain. But her father; he was still very much alive, hurt but alive. She had to find him. She couldn't leave him on his own. He may have hid it well but she knew he was just as scared as she was. If there was any chance that he was still alive, she had to do something about it. She looked out again to the horizon, dirt and rubble stretching out in all directions.

"If I was a Shiftie...where would I hide my Dad?" Ashley muttered to herself. She sighed heavily, her mind arguing with her. She knew it was pointless. She couldn't do it on her own. She would need help and a lot of it. Heading back on her own was suicidal, if they had killed her father, she would quickly join him, and her mother, making their deaths in vain. On the other hand, she could be trapped like a rat with her father with no hope of rescue. No, she had to go forward to go back. If she reached the Outlands like her father had planned, she would have plenty of shelter and square miles to easily cover her tracks; giving her time to come up with an effective plan to get him back.

A thought nagged at the back of her mind. Help was hard to come by. She hadn't seen another person in weeks. The Shifties methodically rounding up the stragglers left behind in the aftermath of the Burnout. And even then, the help she did find, she couldn't be sure was human. She had had enough experiences with Trancers and Warpers to teach her that.

She started towards the cluster of cork board at center of the shack, crashing to her knees before feeding her cracked fingers under each sheet, dried blood gathering underneath her fingernails as she tore them apart. The thin nails piecing them together squeaking from the pressure. Her brow was dripping with exertion, adding to her already tousled mess of hair. Flinging it back the best she could, Ashley quickly chucked the boards away from herself to reveal a cluster of torn paper. There was newspaper, brown paper, wrapping paper, even sand paper, anything that you could make a mark on - but the most important piece was the old world map, precision rolled in the center of the pile.

Ashley held it delicately, and unfurled it section by section. Tucking one corner beneath the edge of her coat and holding the opposite she could just make out her father’s etchings. A large black cross was plastered across the UK. That was where they had lived. They had left not so long after the Blackout, traipsing along the English countryside until they reached the Channel Tunnel, barely escaping the huge beams that struck every habitable spot on the planet.

Small arrows lead in several directions, question marks and warning signs blotting most of the land left. Ashley traced her finger over her options - every city, no matter how small or major, had been desolated. Scribbled over the mass of markings in capital letters was ‘BURNOUT’. That’s what they had called it, a name for the endless desert and rubble. Names of cities were pointless when everywhere looked the same. The further east she traced, the more the markings dissipated and soon she spotted three large areas circled with red marker. Scribbled amidst the dark green expanse was the words ‘OUTLANDS’. The outskirts of civilization, scarcely inhabited - one of the few remaining areas that hadn’t been turned to dust. Filled with forests, mountains and rivers where if the animals didn’t kill you, the plants surely would. She didn’t like the sound of it, especially on her own, but what choice did she have? She was out in the open, a target.

If she stayed, she died for certain. If she heading for the Outlands, she stood a chance, and even if she did die, it would be through her own choice. Not theirs. If she lay low the animals should be content with eating each other and not her.

Carefully, she curled the map back into its sturdy tube and rummaged through the scraps of paper for anything else worth salvaging, further maps or survival gear; she knew her father kept a stash somewhere. As soon as she thought it, her hand bumped into a small wooden box. It had been buried slightly in the ground, almost invisible amongst the mix of brown paper and board pressed against it. Ashley pried it out of the pit and placed it on her thighs, flipping the small bronze clasp at its fore. As the lid fell back, she breathed a sigh of relief. Bunched inside was everything her parents had managed to collect thus far.

Hidden beneath a thin layer of frayed paper was the shattered glass crammed into a dyed pouch, flint and steel for making fires, more nails, markers and pencils with small blades for sharpening. A small vial of a clear liquid which she could only guess was alcohol was placed alongside a ball of bandages. Her eyes glistened at the sight of plasters, proper sticky back plasters that even had colourful patterns printed across the front. A small smile spread from her lips as she thumbed through the different designs. At the base of the box was the one book her father had saved. The book was in bad shape, the title obscured and the spine frayed at both ends, barely holding the pages together but it held the details of the most important moments in human history. All the wars, all the natural disasters, all the world greats. He thought it was important, so so would she.

It was time to leave. The sun had already sunk further into the sky and her time was limited to begin with. Firmly placing the lid back into place, Ashley strode around the outer perimeter of the shack and peeled away a stone slab leaning against the sunken foundations. There, as expected, was a shabby excuse of a backpack, which held nothing more than a few thin shirts, all as grubby and sweat ridden as the one she was wearing. Grabbing the straps, taking no time to be gentle, she rushed about the remains of the shack looking for any food or water she could muster. Of course, they had thrown out the food to make room for her. It was strewn about the floor, trampled on or cracked open, useless; but she managed to find a bottle of water and some broken biscuit bars.

She crouched down into the stuffy food cupboard yet again and was welcomed by the sight of two shiny metal tins, and wedged between them was her favourite - gummy bears. She grasped them and chucked them in the bag before dashing back to the pit to add the box and map.

With a final grunt, she pulled hard on the cord, trapping the items inside, and swung it heavily onto her back.

Then she was stumbling into the unknown. Heading in the direction the map had showed her, treading forcefully, trying to put as much distance between her and the Shifties as possible. Ashley definitely didn't want another encounter like last night any time soon.

Something crunched underneath her foot and she came to halt. Embedded in the grey dust was a brilliantly bright knife. She plucked it from the fine dirt, dusting it off slightly, running a finger along its intricate surface. It was her mother’s. Celtic patterns were engraved along the handle, knotting endlessly into each other, bleeding into the blade itself. She gingerly ran her finger over the cold metal, watching the light glitter off the yellow blood which now stained it. Yellow just like their eyes, just like the glowing specks of their skin.

She had wielded it well; slashing them with clean arcs of power though it hadn’t been enough. It would stand as a fair reminder to have hope. They could bleed, therefore they could be killed. Pocketing the blade in her inside pocket she couldn’t help but glance back at the small skeleton of wood and concrete in the distance.

She hated moving on. She should be used to it by now, having been dragged across most of Eastern Europe and changing places more than she changed clothes. But this place was the final hurdle, the last place before finding some kind of refuge. She had hated it for its craggy floor, making her body ache each morning as she woke; the constant damp in the night, pasting the walls and corkboard in a slimy coating. She had thought they were finally in the clear, safe and secure. All of it uprooted overnight as easily as uprooting a weed. And this time, it had taken her parents with it.

Her vision blurred with emotion once more, sobs escaping unconsciously from within.

“I don’t want to go…” she whimpered. She bit her lip tightly, using the dull pain to distract her from the true pain erupting inside.

She was haunted by the very feeling of this place. Though it held memories she would cherish forever, it would also hold the most terrifying and unimaginable night of her entire life. And there was nothing she could do to change that. She forced herself to turn away, pulling the coat closer to her. The unbearable warmth igniting the resentment building within.

"I will find you." she whispered to the wind, and strode into the wilderness beyond.


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933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

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Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:26 am
Iggy wrote a review...



I'm here as requested!

Okay, some basic nitpicks I spotted:

dotted with glowing yellow specks, their hauntingly bright yellow eyes piercing the shadows


You used yellow twice to describe their specks and eyes. Boring! Yellow has some lovely synonyms; find them. And what's better is that you shouldn't just tell us that they're yellow; you should show us. Describe them. Yes, you did describe them, but you did so simply. Go into a little detail. Compare the eyes to something. Talk about the specks, and if they are hairy or scaly or scabby or something alike. Just help the reader visualize it.

Her mother, beautiful,


This is weird with the rest of the sentence. Perhaps change it to: Her beautiful mother... [rest of the sentence]

Ashley froze.


Technically, she's already frozen, since she's hiding. This goes without saying; this does nothing to enlighten the reader. Find another way to describe her panic; perhaps her stomach churns, or her breath catches in her throat, or her blood freezes? Something like that.

Everything Ashley couldn't. She bit harder. Then he looked to her


He did this, she did that. I feel like we're going through motions that have long-ago been memorized: tedious and robotic. Spice it up. Use imagery and details and complex words to describe their actions. Make it more entertaining than "he said, she did, they walked" etc.

The air had grown thicker and musty threatening to suffocate her.


You make it sound like musty is a person. And I know personification is a cool literary device to use, and a very powerful one, but not one you should use here. It doesn't make sense. Perhaps "and the must" will work better?

They had taken them. She was on her own.


Italicizing these are unnecessary. There's no point to it. The sentences, by themselves, are already strong as can be; the italics overdo it and put double the emphasis on a word, therefore unbalancing the sentence. I suggest you remove the italics and be careful in choosing when to italicize.

she slowly lent forward


That should be leaned.

The corkboard her Father had lain down


Father should not be capitalized.

The vacant expression and lifeless body her father had helplessly comforted was in-grained in to her brain.


Did you mean engraved? Also, comforted is a weird way to describe how he cradled his wife's body and felt his heart shatter. Try a different word, something that really shows the pain he felt over losing her.


Okay, so that ends my nitpicks. Sorry if they rambled on.

Onto your plot: good. Great, even. Well thought out. I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into plotting this out. You have a good start going, especially with the beginning. Already, we have been thrown into a battle, lost someone, watched as it changed the main character, and obtained a goal. To get to the Outlands and get help so she can save her father. So far, so good.

This story is coming along nicely. It's rich with details; lots of wonderful imagery to describe the items she collected and the cabin she was in, and not to mention the attack she witnessed. And while all of that was amazing, it was also heavy and long, since it was unbalanced due to the lack of dialogue. Make sure you get an equal, or roughly equal, balance next time. Otherwise, all of those long paragraphs pile up and the reader wants to run away.

Overall, you have a strong, clear plot going. The character has been hardened by her loss and has a goal to motivate her. She is determined to get her father back and I look forward to seeing how being on her own will change and shape her. Nice job so far.




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Fri Feb 28, 2014 2:29 pm
SetSytes wrote a review...



Great post-apocalyptic writing. There's a lot of potential for where this can go. Unlike some other reviewers, I don't think you want to do more explanation - like who the shifties are, who these other groups are. Don't just bombard the reader with a world, let them be eased into it naturally. Let there continue to be mystery. Who are the shifties? We don't know, and it's good that we don't really know - yet.

I will say that you might want to change the word shifties. It sounds kind of childish and silly, and robs them of any fear. Like, 'ooh, he's a bit shifty!' What about calling them 'Shifts'? Just an idea, it's up to you.

I like the dark and gritty nature to it all, flirting with horror themes. Perhaps do more to illustrate a sense of loss and devastation. Describe a bit more, not explanatory descriptions but just what she sees. Show and don't tell, make the reader SEE the horror through your words, and sense her pain without her speaking. I know such things are hard. You're doing pretty well so far.

Other reviewers have mentioned nitpicks so I won't add to that. Keep writing, this is a very special story.




NerdBird says...


you can find the rewrite of this chapter here:
The Shifties: Chapter 1 - Prey
Hope it has improved in your eyes :)



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Sun Feb 23, 2014 11:36 pm
Nike wrote a review...



Hey! Happy Review Day! Per request, I shall review. Corrections will be made in bold!

Lost

Boom!

Ashley stared, her face soaked with tears. The Shifties had found them. And it was her fault.

She watched her parents dance with death while she was safely hidden within the walls. Like a coward.

"It’s my fault...and I can't help them." her breath caught in her throat.

Her mother had put her here, in the hidey hole in the wall, where they stashed the food in case coyotes broke in. Now it was her turn, her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch, her back damp against the mold, choking on the stuffy air. She almost felt sorry for the food.


First off, interesting start. It draws the reader's attention. I don't like the name The Shifties, it's sounds sort of childish. And hidey hole? Can't it be called something else?

The terrifying screeching had withered to a faint humming and the shotgun nothing more than a rattle. Flashes of gunpowder had blurred her vision, small coloured spots floated around her and in between the cracks of the splintered wood. Through those cracks, time seemed to move slower. The Shifties preyed on her parents, though she didn't know what they were. Blacker than the darkest night and dotted with glowing yellow specks, their hauntingly bright yellow eyes piercing the shadows as they surrounded her parents.

Her mother, beautiful, had she not been covered in dirt and blood, darted back and forth, slashing at the air wildly, one hand grasping onto her father slumped against the back wall.


Great descriptions.

Ashley froze. He was injured. Deep red slowly dripped down from his shoulder, the shotgun held limply in his right hand. His face was scrunched up in pain. He fumbled in his pocket for more shells. Ashley shuffled forward, her forehead pressed to the wood helplessly. Biting her finger in desperation she silently whispered to him, come on Dad, come on.

Two fresh shells emerged from the depths of his trench coat, and were placed shakily but surely in their place.

Arrrgghh!

A shrill shriek tore through the air and the body of her mother collapsed to the ground, blouse stained through with blood, her eyes wide in terror.


Again, great descriptions. I like how you wrote this. I just want more info on what is happening. Also, try to show, not tell.

Ashley stifled a cry. Tearing into her finger, grinding her teeth deep into the skin to muffle the sound.

Her own screams filled her head as fresh tears overcame her.

Her father dropped to her mother's side, lifting her lifeless body up, grief overcoming pain. Ignoring the swarming creatures, he hugged her to him, stroking her hair and yelling in disbelief. Everything Ashley couldn't. She bit harder. Then he looked to her. She knew he couldn't see her. But he knew that she was crouched there, writhing in pain, just as he was, despite not having any physically wounds.

This was it. This was the end. He knew it. She knew it.

It can't end like this...


-*-

She woke with a start, choking on the dust and spores of mould that had settled in her mouth. Disorientated, she straightened up only to hit her head on the low ceiling. She groaned and carefully soothed her sore head with her right hand. She must have passed out. She paused. Her heart sank and her pulse began to race.

She squinted her eyes against the sharp light penetrating the wooden panels encasing her.

Oh God...

She shook her head from side to side desperately searching the four corners of her confinement.

The air had grown thicker and musty threatening to suffocate her. Her shirt clung to her skin making it tingle in the mixture of sweat and stale water.

Oh God no.

She refused to believe it, even though her surroundings told her otherwise. She repeated it over and over in her head. It wasn’t a dream. It had happened. Her parents were gone. They had taken them. She was on her own. Ashley pushed herself back against the rotted wood, forcing her arms to the sides; she screamed in pain and frustration. Pressing harder against the wood, she breathed heavily, hoping the pain would flow into the planks themselves.

It had taken them weeks to build up to an attack, but only a matter of hours to destroy her whole world.

Dazed, she slowly lent forward to peer through the cracks of splintered wood. She could only glimpse at the few inches before her but those few inches were enough to confirm the worst. She shut her eyes against the tears, waiting for them to pass before looking again. Unconsciously her hands drifted towards the front panel, fingers tracing the small seam that had blocked out nothing and everything.

Something so small and simple. Had they had the sense to look, she'd be gone along with her parents. But her parents distracted them. Instead of running, instead of hiding, they had stood their ground, to save her.

She pushed firmly in the top two corners of the splintered wood. She heard a faint squeak as the wood was teased from its frame before a hard thud rang out and escaped into the distance.

Ashley opened her eyes. Her matted hair did little to obscure the barbarity they had left behind. Peering through the thick strands, a scene of horror quickly unfolded before her.

The corkboard her Father had lain down to make the floor seem more even still remained. But layered on top of it was a swirling pool of dried blood, baked into a crisp carpet in the midday sun. Ashley crept forward, her mouth filling with a familiar raw metallic taste. The distinct smell of iron lingered in the air. On closer inspection, she could make out hand and footprints and the streaks of clear board where her Father’s coat had swept across the ground. Dispersed all over the run-down shack were empty shotgun shells, though the gun was nowhere in sight. Powder marks scorched the floor and shrapnel scattered the walls where shells had failed to hit their target. The blood seemed to drift away from the ramshackle remains, smearing into the dirt beyond, leaving long wide trails of thick liquid, like something had been dragged. She stood up hesitantly, her keen eye following the path of crimson. The trail soon thinned out, blending with the brown and grey earth before coming to rest at a large body masked with grime.

“DAD!” she screamed.

She ran as fast as she could towards the heap, ignoring the blistering heat pulsating around her.

Skidding on the barren ground, dust flying up in clouds, she grasped the mound with force. She cried out as burning sand buffeted her, spraying up from the brunt of her grasp. She wiped her eyes desperately, blinking away the scratching pain behind them.

With black spots blotting her vision she pushed the coat aside only to have it crumple under its own weight. He wasn’t there. He never had been. A single sob escaped her dry throat. Painful and guttural. She pulled the trench coat towards her, clutching it underneath her chin as tears trailed down her cheeks.

Her lip quivered as she stared into the cracked ground. She was completely alone.

She stood with some effort, her legs quivering under the weight of her realisation. She fed her arms through the sleeves and dragged it over her shoulders. The sweltering heat was instant. It had been baking in the strong rays for hours but she didn’t care - it brought her a strange feeling of comfort, like her father was hugging her, his warmth relaxing every muscle in her body. The dull scent of burnt ash filled the air around her, emanating from its fibres. Ashley drew the coat further around her, encasing herself with her father’s aroma. As she concentrated, she could smell fresh earth, the smell of the forest just as fresh rain had begun to fall. She could almost hear the rain cascading across the hard soil. If she couldn’t have her father, then she could at least have his memory. And that was more than enough. For now.

Bewildered, Ashley trudged back towards the shack, her feet scraping heavily along the cracked earth. As she skirted the border, she turned back to the wasteland stretching out before her.

It was hard to believe that it was once a great city inhabited by millions. Now desolate, lifeless, inhabiting only the rubble of lives left behind. This is where they had camped for the week. The shell of an old shack that used to house the fuse box connected to all the houses in that street. The East wall was largely intact; the window crooked and boarded up with rusted road signs. Her Father had insisted on collecting the shattered glass that littered the floor. He believed that everything had a purpose; they just didn’t know it yet. The floor was a mixture of dirt and concrete cracked by withering weeds. The corner nearest the south wall had collapsed into its foundations. This was where they had kept the fire. Set into the ground with just enough of the wall surviving to keep it hidden from prying eyes. On the opposite side lay the crumpled remains of the water tank. The tank had sat directly in front of the food cupboard. Now the pipe was contorted and twisted, broken away with some force. And the harsh light revealed three tears embedded deep in the metal, the alloy curling away from the impact as if it were alive.

They had been that close. She breathed heavily, her heart racing yet again. The past few months had affected her in way she couldn't have anticipated. But this was something different. She'd been within inches of them. Hearing about the Shifties through vague rumors was nothing compared to the real thing. Over the past weeks she'd become desensitized to the stories, thinking them more speculation than truth. But they were very, very real indeed.

She couldn’t stay. They knew she had been there. She had led them here after all. They would come back for her.

Ashley glanced from the tears to the blood. She'd definitely seen her mother die. The vacant expression and lifeless body her father had helplessly comforted was in-grained in to her brain. But her father; he was still very much alive, hurt but alive. She had to find him. She couldn't leave him on his own. He may have hid it well but she knew he was just as scared as she was. If there was any chance that he was still alive, she had to do something about it. She looked out again to the horizon, dirt and rubble stretching out in all directions.

"If I was a Shiftie...where would I hide my Dad?" Ashley muttered to herself. She sighed heavily, her mind arguing with her. She knew it was pointless. She couldn't do it on her own. She would need help and a lot of it. Heading back on her own was suicidal, if they had killed her father, she would quickly join him, and her mother, making their deaths in vain. On the other hand, she could be trapped like a rat with her father with no hope of rescue. No, she had to go forward to go back. If she reached the Outlands like her father had planned, she would have plenty of shelter and square miles to easily cover her tracks; giving her time to come up with an effective plan to get him back.

A thought nagged at the back of her mind. Help was hard to come by. She hadn't seen another person in weeks. The Shifties methodically rounding up the stragglers left behind in the aftermath of the Burnout. And even then, the help she did find, she couldn't be sure was human. She had had enough experiences with Trancers and Warpers to teach her that.

She started towards the cluster of cork board at center of the shack, crashing to her knees before feeding her cracked fingers under each sheet, dried blood gathering underneath her fingernails as she tore them apart. The thin nails piecing them together squeaking from the pressure. Her brow was dripping with exertion, adding to her already tousled mess of hair. Flinging it back the best she could, Ashley quickly chucked the boards away from herself to reveal a cluster of torn paper. There was newspaper, brown paper, wrapping paper, even sand paper, anything that you could make a mark on - but the most important piece was the old world map, precision rolled in the center of the pile.

Ashley held it delicately, and unfurled it section by section. Tucking one corner beneath the edge of her coat and holding the opposite she could just make out her father’s etchings. A large black cross was plastered across the UK. That was where they had lived. They had left not so long after the Blackout, traipsing along the English countryside until they reached the Channel Tunnel, barely escaping the huge beams that struck every habitable spot on the planet.

Small arrows lead in several directions, question marks and warning signs blotting most of the land left. Ashley traced her finger over her options - every city, no matter how small or major, had been desolated. Scribbled over the mass of markings in capital letters was ‘BURNOUT’. That’s what they had called it, a name for the endless desert and rubble. Names of cities were pointless when everywhere looked the same. The further east she traced, the more the markings dissipated and soon she spotted three large areas circled with red marker. Scribbled amidst the dark green expanse was the words ‘OUTLANDS’. The outskirts of civilization, scarcely inhabited - one of the few remaining areas that hadn’t been turned to dust. Filled with forests, mountains and rivers where if the animals didn’t kill you, the plants surely would. She didn’t like the sound of it, especially on her own, but what choice did she have? She was out in the open, a target.

If she stayed, she died for certain. If she heading for the Outlands, she stood a chance, and even if she did die, it would be through her own choice. Not theirs. If she lay low the animals should be content with eating each other and not her.

Carefully, she curled the map back into its sturdy tube and rummaged through the scraps of paper for anything else worth salvaging, further maps or survival gear; she knew her father kept a stash somewhere. As soon as she thought it, her hand bumped into a small wooden box. It had been buried slightly in the ground, almost invisible amongst the mix of brown paper and board pressed against it. Ashley pried it out of the pit and placed it on her thighs, flipping the small bronze clasp at its fore. As the lid fell back, she breathed a sigh of relief. Bunched inside was everything her parents had managed to collect thus far.

Hidden beneath a thin layer of frayed paper was the shattered glass crammed into a dyed pouch, flint and steel for making fires, more nails, markers and pencils with small blades for sharpening. A small vial of a clear liquid which she could only guess was alcohol was placed alongside a ball of bandages. Her eyes glistened at the sight of plasters, proper sticky back plasters that even had colourful patterns printed across the front. A small smile spread from her lips as she thumbed through the different designs. At the base of the box was the one book her father had saved. The book was in bad shape, the title obscured and the spine frayed at both ends, barely holding the pages together but it held the details of the most important moments in human history. All the wars, all the natural disasters, all the world greats. He thought it was important, so so would she.

It was time to leave. The sun had already sunk further into the sky and her time was limited to begin with. Firmly placing the lid back into place, Ashley strode around the outer perimeter of the shack and peeled away a stone slab leaning against the sunken foundations. There, as expected, was a shabby excuse of a backpack, which held nothing more than a few thin shirts, all as grubby and sweat ridden as the one she was wearing. Grabbing the straps, taking no time to be gentle, she rushed about the remains of the shack looking for any food or water she could muster. Of course, they had thrown out the food to make room for her. It was strewn about the floor, trampled on or cracked open, useless; but she managed to find a bottle of water and some broken biscuit bars.

She crouched down into the stuffy food cupboard yet again and was welcomed by the sight of two shiny metal tins, and wedged between them was her favourite - gummy bears. She grasped them and chucked them in the bag before dashing back to the pit to add the box and map.

With a final grunt, she pulled hard on the cord, trapping the items inside, and swung it heavily onto her back.

Then she was stumbling into the unknown. Heading in the direction the map had showed her, treading forcefully, trying to put as much distance between her and the Shifties as possible. Ashley definitely didn't want another encounter like last night any time soon.

Something crunched underneath her foot and she came to halt. Embedded in the grey dust was a brilliantly bright knife. She plucked it from the fine dirt, dusting it off slightly, running a finger along its intricate surface. It was her mother’s. Celtic patterns were engraved along the handle, knotting endlessly into each other, bleeding into the blade itself. She gingerly ran her finger over the cold metal, watching the light glitter off the yellow blood which now stained it. Yellow just like their eyes, just like the glowing specks of their skin.

She had wielded it well; slashing them with clean arcs of power though it hadn’t been enough. It would stand as a fair reminder to have hope. They could bleed, therefore they could be killed. Pocketing the blade in her inside pocket she couldn’t help but glance back at the small skeleton of wood and concrete in the distance.

She hated moving on. She should be used to it by now, having been dragged across most of Eastern Europe and changing places more than she changed clothes. But this place was the final hurdle, the last place before finding some kind of refuge. She had hated it for its craggy floor, making her body ache each morning as she woke; the constant damp in the night, pasting the walls and cork-board in a slimy coating. She had thought they were finally in the clear, safe and secure. All of it uprooted overnight as easily as uprooting a weed. And this time, it had taken her parents with it.

Her vision blurred with emotion once more, sobs escaping unconsciously from within.

“I don’t want to go…” she whimpered. She bit her lip tightly, using the dull pain to distract her from the true pain erupting inside.

She was haunted by the very feeling of this place. Though it held memories she would cherish forever, it would also hold the most terrifying and unimaginable night of her entire life. And there was nothing she could do to change that. She forced herself to turn away, pulling the coat closer to her. The unbearable warmth igniting the resentment building within.

"I will find you." she whispered to the wind, and strode into the wilderness beyond.


I have read the rest. Just didn't seem the need to comment on every paragraph. You say a lot of names for groups, and I have no idea what you are talking about. Explain what these groups are, what's their motive. What do they represent. Stuff like that.

You shall re-read this and edit yourself. That's what I do. It helps a lot.

I love the idea, a world within a world. It's like Charmed or something. You could work harder on it though, don't confuse us. Bring us into the action, but at the same time, explain what is happening. Why it's happening. And what the MC is meaning to do. Stuff like that.

Try to show not tell. Don't make and 'Talking Heads'. That means, when there is a dialogue, say how the person is talking, what they are doing, don't just talk.

I would love to read more form you!

- Nike




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:56 pm
OrionRising wrote a review...



Happy review day! I promised this to you a few days ago and then got pretty busy. So here it is!

I don't exactly like it when something starts off with a sound, like your piece, which starts off with "Boom!" Sure, it grabs the readers attention, just as any "boom" in real life would turn heads. But to me, for some other people, I think that this "boom" is just that. A turn of the head and nothing more, after seeing what happens, they are satisfied and turn away, not willing to go deeper. This of course, is just my opinion and its up to you whether or not you like it or want to change it.


Secondly this line here seems a little to cliche to be stated:
---"It’s my fault...and I can't help them." her breath caught in her throat."---
Its sort of like if you were watching this as a movie, you wouldn't have to have the person say this to understand it. You want to be able to tell that this is what they were thinking by how they react to the situation rather than what they say about it. It just doesn't seem realistic that (unless she was talking to someone, another character) that she would say this.

---The Shifties preyed on her parents, though she didn't know what they were.---
This line here seems a little weird. I would either have her know what they were or think "hey these things should be called shifties," or just describe them and call them "the shifty things" until later when she comes up with a name for them.

---He was injured.--- You don't need this. Just delete it and show, rather than tell, that he is injured.


Overall I felt the story was pretty good. It was definitely intriguing. For a rough draft, its not bad. Later, if you finish the novel, you'll want to go back and edit it, clean up some places, polish things, etc. For now though, the only thing I can think of is that there are a few places where you want to show instead of tell. The thing about reading a story is that its not like being told a story. When you are told a story by a friend, it is okay to listen to them just tell you what happened. But when you're reading a story, you don't want to just tell. You want to enthrall your reader by including details, and imagery, and description. For example, I never got a good idea of what these "shifties" looked like. So unless you did this with a specific purpose in mind, I would love a description of these creatures. There are many parts where you "showed" instead of "told" really well but there were others where you didn't.

Keep writing! Happy Review Day!




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 10:21 pm
Sylar wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this first chapter and I can't wait to read more.

"withered to a faint humming and the shotgun nothing more than a rattle." The shotgun "what" nothing more than a rattle. Maybe "sounded like"? I was confused on that.

"despite not having any physically wounds" It should be physical.

"legs quivering" You say quivered or quivering twice on the same page. Try to change one.

"father’s aroma" That sounds weird . . . you should change it.

"She'd definitely seen her mother die." that should be taken out. It doesn't blend.

"She had had enough experiences with Trancers and Warpers to teach her that." Hmmm, who are they?

Aside from that, I thought this story was great, and I can't wait for more!

"




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:01 pm
firefly882 wrote a review...



Hey there, NerdBird, Firefly in for a review! So I haven't actually been reviewing in a loooong time, but we'll see if I still got it! :wink:

#000080 ">(Blue words) in parentheses represent my personal comments,
—Anything #00BF00 ">green is a correction to spelling/grammar/punctuation/etc.,
#FFBF00 ">Off-yellow words will act as a highlight, in which I will explain why they are highlighted at the end of the quote,
—And #FF0000 ">red words that are struck out should be removed, as they are either repetitive or unnecessary.

Alright, let's begin!

Boom!

Ashley stared, her face soaked with tears #000080 ">(Describe a little of what's going on here! Or her feelings, give us something!). The Shifties had found them#00BF00 ">, and it was her fault.

She watched #00BF00 ">as her parents dance with death#00BF00 ">, while she #FF0000 ">was safely hid#FF0000 ">den #00BF00 ">behind the walls. #00BF00 ">She felt like a coward.

"It’s my fault...and I can't help them." #00BF00 ">Her breath caught in her throat.

Her mother had put her here, #FFBF00 ">in the hidey hole in the wall, where they stashed the food in case coyotes broke in. Now it was her turn, her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch, her back damp against the mold, choking on the stuffy air. #FF0000 ">She almost felt sorry for the food #000080 ">(This sentence is really unnecessary, as we already know how sorry she does feel with the descriptions you've given us)


Alright, you're off to a great start! You've opened up with some action, introduced a new race/species/some crazy killing thing, and have drawn the reader in. What's going on? Who are these "Shifties" and what do they want with the MC? These questions demand answers and propel the story forward.

That sentence I highlighted, with the "hidey hole," is kind of like a speed bump on your story-highway. It reads almost as if you were at a loss of what to call this safe place. Try dropping the word "hidey" and instead describe the MC's surroundings a bit more. Is it just a regular hole in the wall? Is there a secret entrance that only the MC and her family knew about? Show us!

The terrifying screech#FF0000 ">ing had withered to a faint humming and the shotgun nothing more than a rattle #000080 ">(Shotguns don't rattle, they pow! and boom! Try to rephrase this sentence that suggests as much). Flashes #000080 ">(Smoke would be more appropriate here, as gunpowder doesn't flash) of gunpowder #FF0000 ">had blurred her vision, small coloured spots float#00BF00 ">ing around her and in between the cracks of the splintered wood. Through those cracks, time seemed to move slower #000080 ">(Describe what's moving slower through the cracks, like "The scene playing beyond the wall" or something). The Shifties preyed on her parents, though she didn't know what they were. Blacker than the darkest night and dotted with glowing yellow specks, their hauntingly bright yellow eyes pierc#00BF00 ">ed the shadows as they surrounded her parents.

#FFBF00 ">Her mother#00BF00 ">--a #FFBF00 ">beautiful #00BF00 ">woman, #FFBF00 ">had she not been covered in dirt and blood#00BF00 ">--#FFBF00 ">darted back and forth, slashing at the air wildly, one hand grasping onto her father slumped against the back wall.

Ashley froze. He was injured. Deep red slowly dripped down from his shoulder, the shotgun held limply in his right hand. His face was scrunched up in pain #00BF00 ">as he fumbled in his pocket for more shells. Ashley shuffled forward, her forehead pressed to the wood helplessly. Biting her finger in desperation she silently whispered to him, come on Dad, come on.

Two fresh shells emerged from the depths of his trench coat, and were placed shakily but surely in their place.


OK, so this section shows what's happening. Good! Now we know why she's hiding. The yellow portion about her mother, though, doesn't make sense. She can't be dashing madly all over the place kicking bad Shiftie butt if she's holding onto her father, who is obviously injured and can't move from the wall. Maybe she should let go of him to go slash about? Or maybe stay and defend him?

A shrill #00BF00 ">cry tore through the air and #000080 ">(This would be a good spot to show us the MC's reaction) the body of her mother collapsed to the ground, blouse stained #FF0000 ">through with blood, her eyes wide in terror.


Her father dropped to her mother's side, lifting her lifeless body up #00BF00 ">as grief #00BF00 ">overcame his pain. Ignoring the swarming creatures, he hugged her to him, stroking her hair and yelling in disbelief. Everything Ashley couldn't #000080 ">(Couldn't what? Couldn't do herself, couldn't believe? Throw in some of the MC's reactions; these are her parents, man!). #FFBF00 ">She bit harder. Then he looked to her. She knew he couldn't see her. But he knew that she was crouched there, writhing in pain, just as he was, despite not having any physical#FF0000 ">ly wounds.


EXPAND. YOUR. SENTENCES! These could be great if they were all woven together, but here they just feel like little bumps on the road again.

The rest of my nitpicks would fall into grammar and sentence structure, along with throwing in some details/removing some here or there. Too little leaves us wanting more; too much is just too many unnecessary words!

All in all, I think you have the great makings of a first chapter. It just needs a little dusting, a little fine tuning, a little polishing up and TADA! Perfection!

Good luck with your endeavors, and I look forward to reading more! :smt001




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 8:53 pm
WallFlower wrote a review...



Hi NerdBird :)

I REALLY like the story you have going here. It's similar to many other books that are out there, but different too. I think you've found a balance.

I usually like to know exactly what is going on at all times, but I actually like
the fact that we don't know exactly what the Shifties are. It provides an air of mystery.

The only things I have to critique plot-wise is that you don't seem to physically describe Ashley, her mom, or her dad in any detail. I love when the readers imagination can fill in the wholes, but I think you could give us a little more to go on. :)

Only one grammatical critique as well :)

He thought it was important, so so would she.


The back to back "so's" are unnecessary repetition. You could easily change this sentence to:

1) "He thought it was important, and so would she."

or

2) "If he thought it was important, then so would she."

Over all I love your plot and your descriptive style.

Hope this helps :)

~WallFlower




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 8:53 pm
Ruby68 wrote a review...



Hi there, and happy review day! I really liked this story! It's very well written. It's a bit confusing at times given the fact that the reader doesn't know exactly what's going on, but I'm guessing you'll touch on that in a later chapter. Just a few little suggestions.

"Arrrgghh!

A shrill shriek tore through the air and the body of her mother collapsed to the ground, blouse stained through with blood, her eyes wide in terror." I think the use of the exclamation here takes away from the mood. It would sound better if you took that out and left it as simple: A shrill shriek tore through the air...

"It was hard to believe that it was once a great city inhabited by millions. Now desolate, lifeless, inhabiting only the rubble of lives left behind." I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to say in this sentence. Make this more clear and I would suggest not using the word inhabit twice in a row. Perhaps change the first sentence to: ...a great city, home to millions. Then change the second to make it clear what you're trying to say.

"As soon as she thought it, her hand bumped into a small wooden box." I think a better way to say this might be: As soon as the thought crossed her mind...

"He thought it was important, so so would she." I get what you're trying to say her, but using "so" twice in a row is a little awkward.

Overall I really enjoyed this, I'll be sure to take a look at the second chapter.

-Ruby-




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 8:38 pm
ClariceArrais wrote a review...



Hello again!!!
I loved the way you started to describe her parents fighting. Loved! I laughed with “She almost felt sorry for the food.” Am I bad person for this? In the middle of the tension I notice this! I really laughed.
The part: “Ashley stifled a cry. Tearing into her finger, grinding her teeth deep into the skin to muffle the sound. Her own screams filled her head as fresh tears overcame her.” You wrote her despair in the reactions. Beautifully written. You started with the action and then we have the thrill: Is her dad alive? The way she hugs her father’s coat, the smell of memory on it… I liked it so much. As other people had already pointed out the grammar aspects, I preferred to point out the shape of your writing.
Your writing is really good, you got my attention since the beginning; and the strength the girl had while facing the desolation is inspiring. Thumbs up! ^^




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 12:42 am
ulala8 wrote a review...



Sergeant Ulala reporting to edit your piece!

Ashley stared, her face soaked with tears. The Shifties had found them. And it was her fault.

She watched her parents dance with death while she was safely hidden within the walls. Like a coward.


I suggest that you join these two paragraphs together. A story should not start with "and" or "but" or "because". conjoin the two sentences with either a comma, or omit the "and" and use a semicolon.
Also, while I commend you for dropping the reader in the middle of the story, we don't feel a sense of dread for the character. Perhaps illustrate in a prologue exactly WHAT the Shifties are and why one should fear them.

"hidey hole"- I understand what you mean, but "hidey hole" sounds very child-like and doesn't fit in the atmosphere. Use a synonym such as "alcove".

Now it was her turn, her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch, her back damp against the mould, choking on the stuffy air.


The beginning of this sentence seems a little stilted and took me several reads to understand. Perhaps you could change it to "Now it was her turn to cower from danger," so that you can better clarify.

The Shifties preyed on her parents, though she didn't know what they were.

This sentence is a little awkward, though grammatically correct. I would recommend that you rewrite the sentence to better clarify that "they" means the Shifties.

I also don't like the name "Shifties" too well. It may just be personal preference, but they don't sound very menacing. Perhaps changing it to "Shifters" would help.

All of my other nitpicks have been addressed in other reviews.
I very much enjoyed this piece, and I have to say that your descriptions are very thorough and to my liking. Just remember to reread your work from time to time and edit accordingly and keep in mind that certain words have certain FEELINGS. Depending on what you're trying to gain from the reader, you should use those words accordingly.
Keep up the great work!




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 12:41 am
wakarimasen wrote a review...



Happy Review Day! On behalf of Team Majestic Icicles, I bestow upon thee a review. :)

(Plus, I think this is what you asked me to read. ;) )

This is really packed with suspense and if this were a published novel, I'd absolutely take it off the shelf at the library or book store and borrow/buy it to read.

First of all, I realize I don't actually *know* what a Shiftie is, but I realize they're quite the force to be reckoned with. It'll be interesting figuring out just who are what they are, these Shifties. At first, I wondered if they're some form of supernatural being, as with Trancers and the like, but now they seem like some sort of gang of individuals of this Earth. It'll be interesting trying to figure that out as I read on!

I like your character very much, too. Her presence feels real and relatable; she felt human. My heart went out to her as I read about what she was seeing and feeling.

Also, I enjoyed this line very much: "She should be used to it by now, having been dragged across most of Eastern Europe and changing places more than she changed clothes." It's a clever way of wording that sentiment.

Now, there was one sentence that had be a bit confused early in your story, due to the way it was worded:
"Her mother, beautiful, had she not been covered in dirt and blood, darted back and forth, slashing at the air wildly, one hand grasping onto her father slumped against the back wall."
It does seem a bit long-winded, although I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing. Perhaps you could word it differently, like this?

" Her mother would've been beautiful had she not been covered in dirt and blood. Ashley saw her dart back and forth, slashing at the air wildly...."

Something along those lines, I guess. Try to separate the description of her mother's beauty from what she's doing at that exact moment. It might make that scene a little easier to parse.

I won't bother you with any more of my nitpickiness. ;) You've really established this dystopian European setting well and I look forward to reading the forthcoming chapters. Good luck!




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Sun Feb 23, 2014 12:38 am
ulala8 wrote a review...



Sergeant Ulala reporting to edit your piece!

Ashley stared, her face soaked with tears. The Shifties had found them. And it was her fault.

She watched her parents dance with death while she was safely hidden within the walls. Like a coward.


I suggest that you join these two paragraphs together. A story should not start with "and" or "but" or "because". conjoin the two sentences with either a comma, or omit the "and" and use a semicolon.
Also, while I commend you for dropping the reader in the middle of the story, we don't feel a sense of dread for the character. Perhaps illustrate in a prologue exactly WHAT the Shifties are and why one should fear them.

"hidey hole"- I understand what you mean, but "hidey hole" sounds very child-like and doesn't fit in the atmosphere. Use a synonym such as "alcove".

Now it was her turn, her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch, her back damp against the mould, choking on the stuffy air.


The beginning of this sentence seems a little stilted and took me several reads to understand. Perhaps you could change it to "Now it was her turn to cower from danger," so that you can better clarify.

The Shifties preyed on her parents, though she didn't know what they were.

This sentence is a little awkward, though grammatically correct. I would recommend that you rewrite the sentence to better clarify that "they" means the Shifties.

I also don't like the name "Shifties" too well. It may just be personal preference, but they don't sound very menacing. Perhaps changing it to "Shifters" would help.

All of my other nitpicks have been addressed in other reviews.
I very much enjoyed this piece, and I have to say that your descriptions are very thorough and to my liking. Just remember to reread your work from time to time and edit accordingly and keep in mind that certain words have certain FEELINGS. Depending on what you're trying to gain from the reader, you should use those words accordingly.
Keep up the great work!




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Sat Feb 22, 2014 5:55 pm
ire123 says...



"Boom!"
My opinion on this beginning is that it could be better as a description of the sound. The sound of what the boom is. And considering it is a frightening situation, the sound of your characters heart.

" The Shifties had found them. And it was her fault."

Instead of telling us it was her fault, I think you could give her an internal conflict. Guilt and fear. Make her feel obligated to help them, but have her do nothing, but be frozen by fear, but feeling she (has to help). She needs to, but don't tell us why. Make us want to know, then reveal her mistakes that lead the shifties to them later in the story in her guilt.
Two ways to do this also: Her own thoughts or
Confiding in someone or some people.

"Arrrgghh!

A shrill shriek tore through the air and the body of her mother collapsed to the ground, blouse stained through with blood, her eyes wide in terror."

I like the way you mislead the readers if that was your purpose. Refreshing from predictable things. I thought the monster had been shot.

"The shell of an old shack that used to house the fuse box connected to all the houses in that street. The East wall was largely intact; the window crooked and boarded up with rusted road signs." Very well done. Good description.


You have good chapter size.

Lastly, I want you to look through your chapter and look for unneeded parts that don't contribute to the plot of your story and consider condensing your writing.

Other than that, good job and keep writing. :)




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Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:16 pm
JakAnthony wrote a review...



This was pretty class. That is really the only way I can describe it. Amazing plot, great main character and I really love the whole vengeance/rescue mission thing. It's a bit cliche, but it's still good. I specifically liked the way you describe her father's coat as a sense of comfort.
The only thing that I think could have been done better is where you say ' She had had enough experiences with Trancers and Warpers to teach her that.' I see this quite a lot in young adult fiction, even in professionally published books, and I'm not sure if this is just a personal veiw or if everyone feels that way, but this really annoys me, and here's why.
When we see that, we are supposed to think 'Wow. Trancers. Wow. Warpers. Wow. I for one, am intrigued. Wow.' But what I think anyway is 'That means absoloutely nothing to me, I have no idea what Trancers and Warpers are.'
Other than that, it's absolutely flawless and I will definetly be following this.




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Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:04 pm
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Craz wrote a review...



Original Text: "It’s my fault...and I can't help them." her breath caught in her throat.

Fixed Text: "It's my fault... and I can't help them." Her breath caught in her throat.


Original Text: Blacker than the darkest night and dotted with glowing yellow specks, their hauntingly bright yellow eyes piercing the shadows as they surrounded her parents.

Fixed Text: Blacker than the darkest night and dotted with glowing yellow specks, their hauntingly bright yellow eyes pierced the shadows as they surrounded her parents.


Original Text: But he knew that she was crouched there, writhing in pain, just as he was, despite not having any physically wounds.

Fixed Text: But he knew that she was crouched there, writhing in pain, just as he was; despite not having any physically wounds.


Original Text: She shook her head from side to side desperately searching the four corners of her confinement.

Fixed Text: She shook her head from side to side, desperately searching the four corners of her confinement.


Original Text: The air had grown thicker and musty threatening to suffocate her. Her shirt clung to her skin making it tingle in the mixture of sweat and stale water.

Fixed Text: The air had grown thicker and musty, threatening to suffocate her. Her shirt was clinging to her skin, making it tingle in the mixture of sweat and stale water.


Original Text: Instead of running, instead of hiding, they had stood their ground, to save her.

Fixed Text: Instead of running, instead of hiding, they had stood their ground; to save her.


Original Text: Now desolate, lifeless, inhabiting only the rubble of lives left behind.

Fixed Text: Now it was desolate and lifeless, only inhabiting only the rubble of lives left behind.


Original Text: The Shifties methodically rounding up the stragglers left behind in the aftermath of the Burnout.

Fixed Text: The Shifties were methodically rounding up the stragglers left behind in the aftermath of the Burnout.


Original Text: The thin nails piecing them together squeaking from the pressure.

Fixed Text: The thin nails piecing them together, squeaking from the pressure.


Original Text: All the wars, all the natural disasters, all the world greats. He thought it was important, so so would she.

Fixed Text: It told all the wars, all the natural disasters, all the world greats. He thought it was important; so would she.


Original Text: She forced herself to turn away, pulling the coat closer to her. The unbearable warmth igniting the resentment building within.

Fixed Text: She forced herself to turn away, pulling the coat closer to her. The unbearable warmth began to ignite the resentment building within.



I have no freaking clue what's happening, and I love it. I don't know anything about these "Shifties", or "Trancers" or "Warpers", or about the Outlands and why England is suddenly a hot desert. The writing here is wonderful, and you did a truly beautiful piece of work here.

I did get a little confused on a few parts, though. I don't know how Ashley knew that her father was still alive. Yes, there is no body (you didn't mention the mother's body either), and he was still relatively breathing before she passed out, but the thing is, she passed out, and he was in a corner half dead, with an empty shotgun. Why would the Shifties take her father? Is her father someone of importance? Are they trying to bait Ashley into coming to them? If so, why would they want her?

Also, I'd probably bawl my eyes out if I was just orphaned right in front of me, and I wake up to that. I would be in no condition to wander out for miles and miles on my own, looking for strangers that are human, and go on an epic adventure to find and possibly avenge my father's death. Then again, I'm not this girl, who apparently has some... macho in her.

I'm looking forward to reading that second chapter!

~Craz




NerdBird says...


I will be doing a rewrite of the first chapter, splitting it into two separate sections, the prologue and the aftermath, due to feedback^-^



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Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:41 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

Okay, so I'm not going to nitpick on grammar or anything, partly because this is a bit on the long side for that and partly because I don't prefer grammar nitpicks on any but final drafts of things. Because a sentence that is incorrect grammatically in the first draft will probably be changed or deleted before the book is 100% done, in which case why worry about correcting grammar that's going to be altered later anyway?

First off, a question: Why is her dad still alive? The Shifties seemed intent on killing him, had already injured him--stopped to kill her mother, who was defending him--why the heckles would they then, after all that, leave him alive? Or take him with them alive? Or how does she know they took him instead of him somehow going off on his own--although, in that case, I'd wonder why he doesn't come back looking for her since he knows she was hiding.

I mean, on the one hand this could be an unanswered question that gears readers up for the next chapter, except that we already saw the Shifties (sort of) trying to kill him and killing the mom, so it seems weird that he would still be alive, and not weird in a "ooh, why did they leave him alive, how interesting" sort of way. If there is a good reason why he's alive, I have a suggestion:

Rather than Ashley just knowing he's alive, she could question it. She finds his coat, thinks his body is under there--then it's not. She could wonder if the Shifties took him, rather than assuming they did. She could figure that, no matter why they took him, he's probably dead (human testing? food?) but decide to look for him anyway because she doesn't want to be alone, plus if there's the slightest chance that he is still alive, she should find him. Or maybe she just goes off to the Outlands for safety reasons, and on the way we see clues of her dad's disappearance/trail, and she reacts to them.

Speaking of Ashley, her character right now is pretty flat for me. Obviously this is a difficulty because for half of this chapter she's hiding behind a wall, watching her parents die, and then she's preparing for a solo journey to the Outlands. So there's no dialogue, other than the occasional thought, all of which are things like "Oh God no" and "It's my fault," which really doesn't tell me anything about her except that she's in a state of emotional distress. The only thing I know about her character right now is that she loves Gummi bears. And I don't mean I don't know specific things (favorite color, birthday, etc), I mean I can't even really name character traits at the moment, other than "really good at being quiet when she's hiding and there's a massacre going on just outside her hiding spot."

Like I said, this is tough because she isn't interacting with other characters, so there's no dialogue to indicate personality, and since this is a sort of dystopian story you obviously have to spend some time world-building. But I honestly feel that I learned more about her dad than her, so I know you're capable of doing some characterization even in the absence of other characters and the presence of muchos world-building.

Examples of things I know (or think I know) about the dad: really loves his wife (to the point where he gives up fighting just to clutch her dead body), good with maps, probably a planner/prepper/leader type (based on the writing all over the map), cares about his daughter (enough to put himself in danger to hide her from the Shifties), some hoarding tendencies (this broken glass could really come in handy later!), possibly a bit sentimental although the presence of the plasters could have more to do with the hoarding than sentimentality.

(Btdubs is "plasters" what you would call not-Band Aid-brand Band Aids? I just used the word "bandages" in my story, but "bandages" always makes me think of gauze and that's not what I meant.)

Look at all that. Look at all the stuff I got about the dad, who is barely even present in this chapter. All I know about Ashley is that she loves Gummi bears and her parents.

So that would be my big suggestion: try to build up Ashley's character a little more. I'm sure you do in later chapters, but you've got to have enough in the first chapter that the reader cares enough about Ashley to keep reading because they want to know more--not what's going to happen, but what's going to happen to her.

In other news, your imagery and world-building were very well done. Sorry that's such a short comment on something really good, but it's hard to write extensive comments about good things (unless we're fangirling, of course). Just had some nice diction, good descriptions without getting dull--that's definitely a strong point that's helpful to have when writing dystopian/fantasy/sci-fi.

Blue




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Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:38 pm
Wriskypump wrote a review...



Okay so I'll just start by saying, this is VERY well written. For my tastes it was a bit heavy on the description, but I understand why it needs to be that way, and I enjoyed the imagery anyway :D hmmmm ok here we go.

"slashing at the air wildly" why does her mom slash at the air I didn't understand why. Also could you describe her just a little more than beautiful, I'd like to be able to imagine her character better. Probably the dad's too.

"swirling pool of dried blood, baked into a crisp carpet in the midday sun." - One of my favorite description, I mean baked into a crisp carpet! ridiculously great image there!

"leaving long wide trails of thick liquid, like something had been dragged." I'd say the reader could infer something had been dragged through it. maybe leave it off?

in-grained : does that word need a hyphen there? I'm not sure...


"Channel Tunnel, barely escaping the huge beams that struck every habitable spot on the planet." maybe I just don't understand this part, but, how do beams strike the planet? I am confused about this

"barely holding the pages together but it held the details of the most important moments in human history." split that into two sentences at but, probably, or change but to yet, i think it would flow better.

"She gingerly ran her finger over the cold metal, watching the light glitter off the yellow blood which now stained it. Yellow just like their eyes, just like the glowing specks of their skin." I'd say that maybe not include that last sentence, i think we know what the blood is yellow for XD

OKay so I know this is a great piece right here because I had to scour to find these things that I touched on. It is tight! Looking forward to chapter two in a moment ;)




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Thu Feb 20, 2014 9:06 pm
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GoldFlame wrote a review...



Flame here, as promised! Alright, let me just jot down my first impression:

I just didn't see much passive voice seeded into the paragraphs. And, yes, I know you were taught to avoid it, but it establishes variation of sentence structure, helps spice things up a bit, as I always say. Okay, so I tend to nag people about sentence structure, and somehow my nagging always translates as an insult to the author's style. But it'd be a...a sin to suggest you alter your style. You possess such a strong voice, and your fusion of action and dialogue...perfecto. I'd only recommend (well, recommend is too strong a word) that you limit your use of prepositions. Always see what you can clip without affecting the overall meaning.

That said, I love, love, love how the exposition's developing. Everything's paced perfectly, I've got a clear idea of the protagonist's personality, and the music woven through your descriptions--I won't even start. And why'd you have to leave us at that cliffhanger? Whyyy?

After meticulous analysis...

You've got a fairly solid handle on grammar. The few errors I caught concerned dialogue. I also admire your paragraph breakings - not frequent enough to annoy the reader, but frequent enough to hook their attention. So below are nitpicks bordering on insignificant:

Now it was her turn, her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch, her back damp against the mould, choking on the stuffy air.


This kind of suggests that her back's choking on the air. I'd stick that last clause right after the first one ("Now it was her turn, choking on the stuffy air, her fragile frame..."), or just omit it entirely.

had blurred her vision, small coloured


The comma should be replaced with a semicolon.

Ashley stifled a cry. Tearing into her finger...


I'd think that more than a finger is required to stifle a cry. Maybe her knuckles?

Disorientated


Simply "disoriented."

Oh God no.


The way I hear my community say it, a comma should be inserted after "oh." But I guess you could also insert it after "God."

her Father


"Father" doesn't need to be capitalized if she isn't referring to it like a name.

"I will find you." she whispered to the wind, and strode into the wilderness beyond.


I feel like "strode" doesn't do her emotions justice. Or add an adverb or something, just to emphasize it.

And here's a quick lesson for you on dialogue: When a period concludes it, but the period's followed by a speaker's tag, the period should be replaced with a comma.

Keep up the good work :D! I hope you don't mind me saving the next chapter for Review Day.




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Thu Feb 20, 2014 1:58 pm
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deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey there! Alex here to review your work!
I really enjoyed reading this! You had absolutely great imagery, pacing and phrases! You told a lot so we knew what was going on but you also kept things from us like "what the burnout is" or "who are the shifties" to make us read the next chapter! Very impressive!
My favourite bits were:

She watched her parents dance with death while she was safely hidden within the walls.

I like how you put the "dance with death"! Very suiting!
It wasn’t a dream. It had happened. Her parents were gone. They had taken them.

The short sentences really emphasize how she feels when she comes to terms with this!
Names of cities were pointless when everywhere looked the same.

I like how you tell that some kind of worldwide disaster had happened in a creative way.

I did see a few things that could be improved. One for example is:
...glowing yellow specks, their hauntingly bright yellow...

It feels a bit wrong to repeat yellow twice here. Maybe one of them could change to golden or shining?
I also noticed that you have many short sentences where you could connect them with a connective or a comma. Most places this is good since this is quite dramatic but some places it is unessercary. One place in question is:
She couldn’t stay. They knew she had been there.

This is ok but it could have been: "She couldn't stay as they knew she had been there".

Overall, really loved this! *drops like*




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Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:18 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review as requested!

Technical:

"Now it was her turn, her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch, her back damp against the mould, choking on the stuffy air."

A good rule of thumb for writing is "One and done." What that means is that you should try to keep things short and simple. Now, complexity isn't a literary sin, but I've found that having just a basic sentence with one of any type of phrase or clause added to it keeps it flowing smoothly. So, for example, the above sentence. Basic sentence: Now it was her turn. Then you have two "her..." phrases, and then one gerund (I don't remember what the "her..." phrases are called but I'm thinking they might be appositives?) Irregardless, they're the same type, and it slows down the reading and makes the sentence feel clunky. I'd advise getting rid of the "her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch," since it doesn't add anything to the scene. We've already gotten the impression that she's cramped.

"...and the shotgun nothing more than a rattle. "

That part, although it does make sense, does not flow very well. It's missing a verb descriptor for the shotgun. Something like "the shotgun had dwindled to". If adding in a verb makes the sentence feel too long, then chances are you either need to rework the sentence or break it up into two.

"Flashes of gunpowder had blurred her vision, small coloured spots floated around her and in between the cracks of the splintered wood."

This sentence felt extremely detached from the story. How far back into the past this happened isn't explained in the previous sentence, and that felt weird enough since it read as if the diminishing of the sounds should have been happening right then. But I understand that could have been in the past. However, not having a frame of reference for when it happened throws off this sentence, since the reader is going off this feeling of immediacy to even further time distance.
And I need to comment on the Shifties' name. The "-ie" sound on the end lends a sense of intimacy, of affection and positive feelings, that are not intended to be associated with these creatures. That sound gives it a sort of bouncy, childish feel and conjure residual feelings of pet names. I'm not saying you need to head to the opposite end of the spectrum and try to invent a name that feels like it will invoke more horror (because then you'll come across as either cliche or cheesy), but maybe something that commands a little more respect than Shifties.

"Blacker than the darkest night..."

That's a cliche comparison. Perhaps something like "obsidian" or "ebony" would do, a nice one-word comparison that doesn't imply you're trying too hard to make them dark.

" Blacker than the darkest night and dotted with glowing yellow specks, their hauntingly bright yellow eyes piercing the shadows as they surrounded her parents."

That's too long for a stylistic fragment. Simply change "piercing" to "pierced" and you should be fine.

"Her mother, beautiful, had she not been covered in dirt and blood, darted back and forth, slashing at the air wildly, one hand grasping onto her father slumped against the back wall."

That's a really long and tediously worded sentence. I would recommend breaking it up into two around "slashing at the...". That seems like a good break point.

"They had taken them. She was on her own. Ashley pushed herself back against the rotted wood,"

Most of that is for reference purposes. Is the italics on "own" necessary? I can understand the "they," but the "own" probably shouldn't be.

"Her matted hair did little to obscure the barbarity they had left behind. Peering through the thick strands, a scene of horror quickly unfolded before her."

Two generic non-descriptive descriptions, back to back, make it seem like you have no idea what you're talking about. Don't tell us that it's a "scene of horror" (barbarity is fine only if you transition directly into description.), show us what it looks like. Let us draw our own conclusions. As is, you're telling us "Now this is how you're supposed to feel," before we've even had the chance to see what it is we're supposed to be horrified at.

"But layered on top of it was a swirling pool of dried blood..."

You have a contradiction there. How can a swirling pool of blood be dried? That needs some attention.

"shrapnel scattered the walls where shells had failed to hit their target."

Did the shrapnel "scatter" the walls, or did it litter the walls? I don't think scattered is the verb you want. The mental image it conveys is that the walls were literally scattered like cards all over the place, and this toothpick frame is miraculously holding up the ceiling.

"Skidding on the barren ground, dust flying up in clouds, she grasped the mound with force."

Two phrases, back to back, at the opening of the sentence just felt absolutely distasteful to read. It left a nasty aftertaste in my mental mouth. Rework that somehow. And the "with force" is extraneous; it's implied in the intensity of the emotion. Readers have been there before, where they grab something a lot harder than they intend to because adrenaline, or anger, or fear is coursing through them. Let us imagine a little.

As for the rest of the story, the biggest thing I'm going to note is the cliche of Ashley "accidentally" finding her mother's knife. She intentionally took her father's coat, she intentionally dug out the map, and yet she coincidentally finds her mom's knife? I would see her intentionally seeking out something to remember her mother by, a physical symbol beyond the memory. And it gives her more consistency as a character and strengthens your story.

Hope this helps!




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Thu Feb 20, 2014 4:21 am
birk wrote a review...



Hey Smartypants!

I'm here as requested, so lets get to reviewing!

Well, though having a lot of flaws, this was a terrific first chapter. It is written very well, you use a good, varied vocabulary and your main character could be quite interesting. You introduce us to this character very brutally, in an event that will shape her considerably and will most likely stay with her forever. Watching her parents death at the hands of these Shifties will surely create an interesting character.

This, however, brings me to another point. The title of your novel; I don't think it's a good title. It kinda sounds silly.

I'd also point out your main character. I know I just said she could be a really interesting character - and she could be - but, as of now we don't know so much about her. I'm actually quite unsure about what kind of girl this is. What does she look like? How old is she? She's either a child or a teenager. Not many years that seperate them, but it makes an incredible differance.

Reading through this, we never get a clear picture of these Shifties, and I then pictured them as a sort of zombie, mutant monsters. However, a little later in the story, we hear about the Blackout, which sounds interesting. But here we realize what we are dealing with though: hostile aliens. I now love this!

I love the idea of these massive beams destroying every hotspot on the planet. And using the Channel Tunnel as their means of surving this is great. I can picture it, which is very good. I imagine a whole bunch of people cramming into the tunnel, screaming in terror as the outside turns blinding. As you see, I got a lot of out this little detail, you should expand on it. Because there are a lot of things you can expand on in this first chapter. It has okay length, but could be longer.

One thing I really disliked; the father is, or might be alive. I don't feel the father should be alive, in fact I think he should had perished along with the mother. A young girl alone in this desolate world is really interesting, and bringing her father back into it later will muddle it. If he returns, who in the focus then? It's her story, right? But then again, you haven't gotten to this point yet, so maybe she never finds him or you have other plans.

Lastly, something I noticed very quickly; you use way too many periods. All your lines read very choppy and some more commas and some colons would be good. Though I won't highlight any examples, they appear throughout the chapter.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

Boom!

I really don't like it when someone writes explosions like this. Just write and describe it. Also, I'm not sure what did explode here. I guess they arrived in some sort of vehicle or ship and they blew part of the building up?

And it was her fault.

Why is it her fault?

Edit
while she was safely hidden within the walls, like a coward.


"It’s my fault...and I can't help them." her breath caught in her throat.

Seeing as these are her thoughts, this line doesn't read too well.

Flashes of gunpowder had blurred her vision, small coloured spots floated around her
Maybe just use 'flashes of gunshots' here, instead of gunpowder. Modern shotguns generally don't use powder, are in cartridges and are smokeless.

Suggestion
Ashley froze. Her father was injured; deep red slowly dripped down from his shoulder, the shotgun held limply in his right hand.


But he knew that she was crouched there, writhing in pain, just as he was, despite not having any physically wounds.
This line is fantastic.

It can't end like this...

You are writing this in 3rd person, and there are several places where her thoughts are written like this, as if it was a 1st person from her POV. It can't end like this, She thought to herself. Maybe like this?

-*-

When seperating a piece like this, one asterisk (*) is enough. And when submitting a new work, there is a button in the editor called 'alignment' where you can chose where to align your text. So simply highligh the asterisk (*), click alignment and choose center text. Looks so much neater.

*


She woke with a start, choking on the dust and spores of mould that had settled in her mouth.
I see another reviewer mentioning that they didn't think Ashley seemed too tramatized by the event. But I think her staying in the wall the entire night is solid. In addition to what you also wrote of course.

It had taken them weeks to build up to an attack, but only a matter of hours to destroy her whole world.
I'm not sure what to take from this. I kind of picture this as an extermination process, where the last remaining humans are hunted down and killed. They are clearly superior, why would it take them weeks to build an attack? Maybe I misunderstood these Shifties a bit...

Edit
Dazed, she slowly leaned forward to peer through


I really love the part about the trenchcoat. You wrote that paragraph well.
The second part of your story is considerally better and has a lot less grammatical errors. Good!

And the harsh light revealed three tears embedded deep in the metal, the alloy curling away from the impact as if it were alive.
Confusing line. Does this contribute much? I'd remove it.

Over the past weeks she'd become desensitized to the stories, thinking them more speculation than truth. But they were very, very real indeed.
Here again, I'm not sure about the story. When is this taking place? Is this not long after the Blackout? I thought that Ashley had grown up in this desolate world. If she did, why would she just now start to question the Shifties.

But her father; he was still very much alive, hurt but alive.

How does she know he's alive? Are the Shifters just rounding people up? Then why were they gearing up for an attack?

Edit
she could be trapped like a rat with her father and no hope of rescue.


And even then, the help she did find, she couldn't be sure was human. She had had enough experiences with Trancers and Warpers to teach her that.
This is really interesting. I guess this is where the 'shifting' comes into play. Very cool.

Edit
She started towards the cluster of cork boards at center of the shack,


The outskirts of civilization, scarcely inhabited - one of the few remaining areas that hadn’t been turned to dust.
I would like to know more about where exactly she is now, as I thought she was still in the UK, but I suppose not.

Hidden beneath a thin layer of frayed paper was the shattered glass crammed into a dyed pouch,
What is so special about these glass pieces? I didn't get why he gathered them, and I don't get why they are so important now..

He thought it was important, so so would she.

Fantastic line, and the entire thing about the book is great as well. I like her character, just add some more to her. Her mother's knife is also a nice touch.

Alright, that's chapter one. I have to say, what I have read so far is really great and interesting!

I love the setting, the fact that these huge beams have turned an entirety of the world into a desolate, scorching desert is amazing. For some reason, I almost picture the landscape similar to how I pictured Stephen King's 'The Dark Tower' world. Save for the magic elements....as well as countless other genres he managed to mix in there.

I see that timmyjake criticized the lengh of your paragraphs, and while he is an awesome reviewer, I disagree completely here. In fact I'll share my opinion and say he is wrong. The lenght of your paragraphs are fantastic. The formatting of this piece goes well with the lenght and flows great. Finding the perfect lenght is hard, and I myself have issues with it. I often make them too short.

You write very well, miss Smartypants, and you have a lot of imagination. I'll be keeping up with this series and I'm looking forward to how you process.

Keep it up!

Cheers
Birkhoff




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Wed Feb 19, 2014 9:54 pm
Hadj wrote a review...



Nice work! I love how mysterious these "shifties" are :)

A few things i would change:
-Tell us about her age. When I read this i thought Ashely was about 8, and after talking to you, i discovered that she was 16. Maybe add a detail where her legs are "cramped in a hole that would be too small for a child"
-Ashely doesn't seem traumatized enough by the death of her parents. I would have her sit in that hole for days, crying without eating or drinking. Maybe then she would wake up and find someone there? or maybe more shifites? or possibly her parents come to her in a dream, and so she decides to leave.

Overall, nice work, and I can't wait to read chapter 2 :)
~Hadj




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 9:19 pm
defiantAuthoress wrote a review...



Hey there, friend! First of all, interesting story you have here. The Shifties are interesting, and I want to know who or what they are. You definitely have me hooked. I like your character as well, she's definitely not a damsel in distress but she does have depth and weakness to her. I like it!

If I were to have any critique of your writing, I would just say that you need to reread this for grammatical and phrasing errors. There are quite a few of them that can be easily remedied with another read-through.

"Boom!
Ashley stared, her face soaked with tears. The Shifties had found them. And it was her fault." Here, I would cut the "Boom!" and "Ashley stared..." sentences. Just starting with the sentence about the Shifties would be quite suspenseful.

In all, this is a great start! Happy writing!




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Tue Feb 18, 2014 8:21 pm
ConverseFireGirl wrote a review...



Hey there, NerdBird! :D I really, really enjoyed this, I found it suspenseful, and very intriguing!
Your character is both strong and relatable. I mean, obviously none of us could be in this situation, but her reactions are very realistic. Your idea is unique and I just loved reading it! ^_^
I liked the part where she found the knife, it was beautifully described and the reader could almost feel it - brilliant.
I am sorry for no constructive criticism, but I think the previous reviewers covered all of them I can see :)
You're a great writer, and I hope you carry on writing this! :D
-CFG




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Sun Feb 16, 2014 12:08 am
cherrycanwrite160 wrote a review...



attack on titan anyone? sorry i just had to make that reference! i personally loved this chapter. i wonder why this is still in the green room! i enjoyed reading it and the shifties remind me of...you guessed it TITANS (only a true otaku will get it) on the other hand it was very good and i hope to see more! but...for one chapter it was a bit long. sometimes readers wont read through all of it because of the length. i am not one of them, though i warn you MANY are out there! overall great story and i cant wait for a second chapter!




NerdBird says...


surprisingly I haven't seen attack on titan! :')
I'd literally only just posted it so that's possibly why :) wouldn't we all love more views/feedback though? ;)
sadly, the shifties are not 'titanic' at all, no pun intended! :P
Im thinking of making the first chapter the part before the separation and the latter half the second :)
Im already working on the next part, almost finished and fingers crossed shorter! XX



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Sat Feb 15, 2014 10:37 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here for a review!

So I have a specific style of review: I start out with just stating some nitpicks, and then I tell you the stuff I like, your style, and make you feel good so you don't hate me for nitpicking so much. :D Shall we get started? Take a chair and have some tea. I am going to make a nice long review for you!

Nitpicks

She watched her parents dance with death while she was safely hidden within the walls. Like a coward. ----The two sentences could be combined, with the period being changed to a comma


Her mother had put her here, in the hidey hole in the wall, where they stashed the food in case coyotes broke in. Now it was her turn, her fragile frame pressed up in a crouch, her back damp against the mould, choking on the stuffy air.


So that is just a part that I pulled out, but it is spread throughout this entire piece in small bits. Too many commas in these sentences, and they read rather jerkily. So I shall rewrite one for you, just to show you what I mean. Hopefully I show you well enough! :D Her mother put her in hidey hole inside the wall, where they stashed their food in case coyotes broke in.

Flashes of gunpowderhad blurred her vision, small coloured spots floated around her and in between the cracks of the splintered wood. ----The had isn't necessary, and you are saying the same thing twice, unless you word it like you are describing the flashes of gunpowder


-*- ----I haven't seen that before... Most of the time, you just put these to break up sections of chapters. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Ashley froze. He was injured. Deep red slowly dripped down from his shoulder, the shotgun held limply in his right hand. ----So first, you confuse me. You talk about the girl in the first sentence, and then you switch to the father... How about you start off with the father?


Had they had the sense to look, she'd be gone along with her parents. ---Had they had seems very rough and doesn't flow off the tongue very well...


Hidden beneath a thin layer of frayed paper was the shattered glass crammed into a dyed pouch, flint and steel for making fires, more nails, markers and pencils with small blades for sharpening. ----Another sentence that is rough and doesn't flow very well. The bolded word should have an and before it as well


Ashley definitely didn't want another encounter like last night any time soon. ---Maybe Ashley definitely didn't want another encounter like last night I think you could cut out the any time soon, because why would she want an encounter with them at all?


Ok, so my next and final nitpick would be your paragraphs. Many of them are the perfect length, but there are a few that are wayyyyy too long! I always think of a paragraph like an extremely long sentence; a distinct idea. Once that idea has been expressed and you are starting a new idea, its time to start a new paragraph for that idea.

Favorites and Style

So this is a wonderful chapter. Seriously! You have a way of making me feel everything your character feels. And a way of making me feel everything so well! I genuinely was concerned over Ashley's survival! :D

I admit that I am really curious about everything in your story here... So many questions are asked, and few are answered. Like what the Shifties looked like? And why is it her fault and why are they following her? I am loving this whole piece! It is very intense and captivating.

Great job! I am looking forward to your next addition!
~Timmjake




NerdBird says...


I'm hoping to edit out all the little nitpicks in the second draft but all is duly noted ;)
I do agree with most of your comments though! :)

Thanks! :D i love hearing peoples opinions ^-^
I like to throw my readers into the deep end, got to get those hooks in early :)
Ill be sure to notify you when the next part is up! :)




See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney