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16+ Language

Chapter 1

by AndyNoticeMe


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Having friends in a world like today is what people need most. No one can go on without at LEAST one friend that they can call their own. The one that listens to them when they've had a bad day. The one who will give them advice or cheer them up. Compliment them on their outfit or go shopping together. For me I guess that really can't be applied since I have NO friends. None. Zip. Zero. It may seem sad and all but I'm used to it. Being alone, having no one pestering you and you just get to...be alone. Solitude is one thing that brings me joy in life, but of course there's one thing that also brings me joy. Black Veil Brides.

Their music has gotten me through the bad times in my house. My parents aren't the nicest people to me...or to each other. My father used to own a big company that his father left for him when he passed away. Soon after a couple years of keeping the business going strong he decided to marry and settle down and maybe have a kid. That's when he met my mother. She was a beautiful young woman all the men wanted to date her and even marry her. Her naturally straight chocolate hair that flowed down to the middle of her back caught my father's eyes one day. When he asked to go on a date you'd think she'd say no since he was a random stranger, but she actually said yes. After three years of being happily together they decided to get married and have a kid named Alice, which is me.

Once I popped out they thought their lives were going to just become even better, but one day my father got greedy and took some of the company's money and bought things for him instead of paying the bills and workers. That's when they went bankrupted and had to shut it down. Father ended up becoming a drunk, and he's a little physical when he's drunk not the best person to be around at that time.

On the other hand my mother she went kind of crazy...okay maybe a lot crazy. Every day after she came home from work she'd hide in her bedroom and be in a corner rocking back and forth whispering things. It was quite the scare. We had her checked out, but the doctor just said she was very stressed with work and bills and raising a kid at that time.

Now six years later, I turned 16 and in high school having just the best time of my life ever. Not. I'm known as the "emo" girl or maybe "goth" the list could go on and on. No one has ever tried to be friends with me, and I personally don't want anyone to BE friends with me. Everyone at this school are stuck up bitches or asshole jocks. The jocks and preppy people always picked on kids that weren't in their social group and the one they liked to pick on the most just happened to be me. It was a joy to come to this hell hole every day, and be pushed into trash cans, have people write awful words that stung on your locker, and have your head dunked in the toilet. The toilet one is the one that the preps have the most fun with.

One day I'm going to become a famous singer and leave this place to live somewhere where I can be accepted and make my dream man fall for me. This probably won't happen, but what it never hurt anyone to dream...right?


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179 Reviews


Points: 22652
Reviews: 179

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Wed Feb 05, 2014 3:20 am
Magenta wrote a review...



Hello AndyNoticeMe!

This is Magenta here to review your first chapter and I believe, your first ever submission! I would first like to congratulate you for joining this website and for having the guts to submit something without even knowing much about this website. YWS is a great way to receive constructive criticism and improve your writing. I'm sure you will do well here! Welcome, as I see you have done no reviews and it appears that you joined only three days ago. I hope you enjoy it here. Okay, so on with this review!

I would first like to ask you of you thought of any names for the chapter or for the novel itself?
I would suggest doing this just so we can call it something great and when we read them, we can refer to the chapters as one single book.

"Having friends in a world like today is what people need most. No one can go on without at LEAST one friend that they can call their own. The one that listens to them when they've had a bad day. The one who will give them advice or cheer them up. Compliment them on their outfit or go shopping together. For me I guess that really can't be applied since I have NO friends. None. Zip. Zero. It may seem sad and all but I'm used to it. Being alone, having no one pestering you and you just get to...be alone. Solitude is one thing that brings me joy in life, but of course there's one thing that also brings me joy. Black Veil Brides."

Okay, so I've taken this first paragraph that you wrote and pasted it here so that I can show you what I think about it. I love the way that you are able to use a more causal style, yet you are able to stay on track and keep the reader interested. You shouldn't really capitalize some of the words. Were you looking to emphasize them? Maybe you could italicize the word or bold it. If you weren't able to do that, you might want to consider looking at the YWS codes. Anyway, I think you have a great start.

"She was a beautiful young woman all the men wanted to date her and even marry her. "

I think that you meant this to be two sentences, right? Read it again and you will see what I mean. You say that she was a beautiful young woman. Perhaps you could connect the rest of it with the word,"and" so that it might look and sound better.

" After three years of being happily together they decided to get married and have a kid named Alice, which is me."

I feel like you are a bit straightforward with us. We can infer that you are their child and that the only person who is there daughter named Alice, would be you. Maybe allude to these instead of blatantly declaring it?

Anyway, great job with this and continue on with your writing! ;)

- Magenta




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517 Reviews


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Sun Feb 02, 2014 5:12 pm
Tenyo wrote a review...



Hey AndyNoticeMe!

Style

What I love here is how much it reads like a diary. I feel like I've just stumbled upon some secret journal and glanced into the typical first thoughts of someone writing on that new clean page.

The slight difference in writing for yourself and pretending to be writing for yourself is that the latter needs a much more personal touch to it.

Like, with the mother going crazy, "It was quite the scare" is almost a formal way of putting it. I think this would be a really good opportunity to show off your character and the plot by using... maybe a metaphor or simile, or something a little more descriptive? Not necessarily a long description, but more vivid.

An example would be instead of saying 'the meal was good but the vegetables were gross', you could instead say 'the combination was like walking through Angus fields when the grass has just been cut and then tripping over a broken sewer pipe.' Does that make sense?

Capital letters

All-caps words are ugly.

I think it's because they stand out so much on the page, you can see them coming a mile off so by the time you get to the sentence the emphasis doesn't really happen. Also in a language that's developing to internet communication, all-caps is seen a lot as shouting except without the noise. It still has a harsh effect.

The better option is to italicise it. They blend in enough to fit into the text, but stand out enough to get your point across.

Overall

The casual style of this makes it quite comfortable to read. Like I said in the beginning it's as if I've just found someone's private journal and opened it to the first page, and if you continue writing with this quality I'd be more than happy to keep reading.

I'd like it to be longer though. This is more like an opening to a chapter rather than a chapter itself since nothing specific happens, but I would definitely keep reading beyond this point if there was more there.

Keep up the good work, and feel free to give me a buzz when the next part comes out =]

~ Ten





Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak