Young Writers Society

Hello AndyNoticeMe!

This is Magenta here to review your first chapter and I believe, your first ever submission! I would first like to congratulate you for joining this website and for having the guts to submit something without even knowing much about this website. YWS is a great way to receive constructive criticism and improve your writing. I'm sure you will do well here! Welcome, as I see you have done no reviews and it appears that you joined only three days ago. I hope you enjoy it here. Okay, so on with this review!

I would first like to ask you of you thought of any names for the chapter or for the novel itself?
I would suggest doing this just so we can call it something great and when we read them, we can refer to the chapters as one single book.

"Having friends in a world like today is what people need most. No one can go on without at LEAST one friend that they can call their own. The one that listens to them when they've had a bad day. The one who will give them advice or cheer them up. Compliment them on their outfit or go shopping together. For me I guess that really can't be applied since I have NO friends. None. Zip. Zero. It may seem sad and all but I'm used to it. Being alone, having no one pestering you and you just get to...be alone. Solitude is one thing that brings me joy in life, but of course there's one thing that also brings me joy. Black Veil Brides."

Okay, so I've taken this first paragraph that you wrote and pasted it here so that I can show you what I think about it. I love the way that you are able to use a more causal style, yet you are able to stay on track and keep the reader interested. You shouldn't really capitalize some of the words. Were you looking to emphasize them? Maybe you could italicize the word or bold it. If you weren't able to do that, you might want to consider looking at the YWS codes. Anyway, I think you have a great start.

"She was a beautiful young woman all the men wanted to date her and even marry her. "

I think that you meant this to be two sentences, right? Read it again and you will see what I mean. You say that she was a beautiful young woman. Perhaps you could connect the rest of it with the word,"and" so that it might look and sound better.

" After three years of being happily together they decided to get married and have a kid named Alice, which is me."

I feel like you are a bit straightforward with us. We can infer that you are their child and that the only person who is there daughter named Alice, would be you. Maybe allude to these instead of blatantly declaring it?

Anyway, great job with this and continue on with your writing!

- Magenta

Hey AndyNoticeMe!

Style

What I love here is how much it reads like a diary. I feel like I've just stumbled upon some secret journal and glanced into the typical first thoughts of someone writing on that new clean page.

The slight difference in writing for yourself and pretending to be writing for yourself is that the latter needs a much more personal touch to it.

Like, with the mother going crazy, "It was quite the scare" is almost a formal way of putting it. I think this would be a really good opportunity to show off your character and the plot by using... maybe a metaphor or simile, or something a little more descriptive? Not necessarily a long description, but more vivid.

An example would be instead of saying 'the meal was good but the vegetables were gross', you could instead say 'the combination was like walking through Angus fields when the grass has just been cut and then tripping over a broken sewer pipe.' Does that make sense?

Capital letters

All-caps words are ugly.

I think it's because they stand out so much on the page, you can see them coming a mile off so by the time you get to the sentence the emphasis doesn't really happen. Also in a language that's developing to internet communication, all-caps is seen a lot as shouting except without the noise. It still has a harsh effect.

The better option is to italicise it. They blend in enough to fit into the text, but stand out enough to get your point across.

Overall

The casual style of this makes it quite comfortable to read. Like I said in the beginning it's as if I've just found someone's private journal and opened it to the first page, and if you continue writing with this quality I'd be more than happy to keep reading.

I'd like it to be longer though. This is more like an opening to a chapter rather than a chapter itself since nothing specific happens, but I would definitely keep reading beyond this point if there was more there.

Keep up the good work, and feel free to give me a buzz when the next part comes out =]

~ Ten