Young Writers Society

Hello! The fiend to review your first poem on this site.
First up, can I say it is an intelligent style of poetry for this subject matter. I have been reading alot of "different stages of life" poetry recently (@TimmyJake) and it observable that there is a need for a constant repeated theme throughout, and a Villanette is perfect for that, for obvious reasons.
However I would query your ommition of line end punctuation. I am not against missing punctuation in poems, but here bmp i don't see any artistic reasoning.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Hi ZLYF, Aley here on Review day for a Poetry Exchange.

I am going to point out a few things about the villanelle structure which I think you followed even though you didn't mean to, and some things I think you didn't quite understand.
First thing first, and this could just be because of when you wrote this, the poem does not need to repeat All of the refrains in the middle stanzas, just the first line [of the first stanza] or the last line [of the first stanza] alternating.

To me you've gotten pretty close to "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop when you wrote changing the refrain mildly through the course of the poem. It is an option for a free form that mimics a villanelle pretty closely.

Refrain A1:
"Bursting out like a ray of light" S1 [Stanza 1]
"Growing, reaching for skylight" S2
"Smiling down with warm rays of light" S2
"Into their lives comes a hope of light" S4
"Rushing to the light" S5
"From whose eyes, run, has the light" S6

Basically in a villanelle, you have the chance to have 7 unique a rhymes. The first two [which then become refrains] and the other 6 from the first line in the rest of the stanzas [of which there are 5]. 2/5ths of your chances to make a unique rhyme in this are actually some form of 'light'. This means the only two opportunities you really took advantage of are "Fight," "Right," and "Tight." To me this doesn't help the poem much because we hear light so often we want a new descriptor.

Likewise, when you have "light" in your fifth and second stanza[twice] it is a little distracting. Really the first line of the next stanza should be transitioning to the next refrain, or ending the last refrain if you use enjambment.

You do something similar with your "might" refrain. The idea of it appears at the beginning of stanza 3 instead of adding to the story in a more unique way.

This brings me to the things I did like. I like how you worked in the idea of might, and light into each line where the refrain was needed [the end of each stanza], even though you didn't actually use the exact refrain. The example of your A1 lines earlier shows that heavily and that is why I don't think this is as far removed from a Villanelle as you seem to believe.

I would suggest changing the refrain lines at the beginning of the stanzas so they are something unique and carrying on a dialog of their own. These lines can be very powerful clues to how we see the world the narrators are in and should be rich with imagery.

I also think you should work on punctuation, periods in particular, as well as how you have the capitals at the beginning of each and every line. This takes away from the readability of the poem and could improve if you experimented with a mix of end punctuation, capitalization, and other structural things.

Talk to you soon.

Hi, Shadow from the Poetry Exchange!



Do excuse for the late review, I have a busy life XD.

I really like the idea of this poem, and I can't find anything to fix on it.

My favorite lines were

Bursting out like a ray of light

Into this world a child is born

Its arms flailing proof of might

Aging, finding someone right

Marriage vows are sworn

Into their lives comes a hope of light

Hiya GreenTulip here to review your poem for Poetry Exchange.

This is well written. I loved the rhyme you had while going throughout the entire poem. It is a nice addition to an already amazing poem.

-So something I noticed is that you had no punctuation in your lines. No commas, periods, or anything to show your one idea ended, and where it flowed into another. It is not necessarily bad or distracting, but it made me read it harder- more critically- to find the idea shifts.
-My Favorite Stanza is this one.

Bursting out like a ray of light

Into this world a child is born

Its arms flailing proof of might

Solemn Grundy born on Monday christened on Tuesday married on Wednesday...

Hey Zlyf!

Forewords
So, you know how some people are grammar freaks? I'm a page freak, and I pay probably more attention to what things look like on the page than other writers do, so this is purely opinion.

First, those little annotations at the front are best in a spoiler. A good poem (and this is a good poem) needs no introduction, especially not one as long as the poem itself. If you want to put your thanks and stuff or add in an 'about' paragraph it's best tucked away where it's viewable, but doesn't detract from the layout of the poem.

Villanelle
I had to look up what a villanelle was to understand why all the repetition. I think poetry with this kind of repetition is usually the kind that would be repeated from person to person, like in song or in music, in which case it would be more than just the single word that's repeated. It almost certainly wouldn't change the meaning of the word.

I can't see this being something passed down or sung, and I think that's why the concept doesn't quite seem to fit as a villanelle.

All that said
This isn't the kind of poem I would usually enjoy, but I really did enjoy it! I agree with Alex that you've got some really good imagery going on. I quoted Solemn Grundy up at the top because for some reason I can't remember, it's one of my favourite poems, and this reminds me of it.

It's the way you pass through all the major points in a life not to make a big deal of them, but to slide passed them. They're all separate verses but lead on from each other like how a trickle of rain leads into the river (for lack of word to describe.) It all weaves to create a bigger picture and I like that!

It's really brave to take a step out of your comfort zone and to try something new, and you've done well.

Keep up the good work! I look forward to seeing more of your poems =D

Hey ZLYF!
I really like the concept of this poem. A very dramatic and original interpretation of the journey through life! And you did it very well! I really loved the imagery in this, one stanza that I loved the best was:

Rushing to the light

At the end, grey hears forewarn

Ebbs away does their might

Rushing to the light

At the end, grey hears forewarn

Ebbs away does their might

Rushing to the light at the end, grey hears forewarn ebbs away does their might.