Long Nights

by LordGreenleaf

Lying in the bed made for two,

I try and close my eyes.

I used to lie in this bed with you,

but your warmth is gone and the bed is cold.

I get up and get a drink,

but your face and memories are everywhere,

And I can feel my heart sink.

Its the feeling again,

The feeling that tears me in two,

I feel lost and hopeless,

When I think of you.

Long nights,

Never falling asleep,

And my hands go to the photo albums,

They are tear stained as I weep.

You look so beautiful in your wedding dress,

like an angel sent from above,

And I knew as you walked towards me,

what I felt was love.

But it all changed in the blink of an eye,

When your silvery blue eyes lost their light,

And your heart stopped beating,

And that's what I see on these long nights.

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Points: 13
Reviews: 99

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Sun Feb 23, 2014 4:29 pm

smile wrote a review...

hey there
this is soo touchy poem , full of emotions... true ones .

"Lying in the bed made for two,
I try and close my eyes.
I used to lie in this bed with you,
but your warmth is gone and the bed is cold.
I get up and get a drink,
but your face and memories are everywhere,
And I can feel my heart sink. "

very very strong starting , rhymy and flows really good tegether,
"Lying in the bed made for two," maye you should change "the" to "a".
"I get up and get a drink" i didn't like the repeatition of the word get , try to make it better and replace and with to .

"Its the feeling again,
The feeling that tears me in two,
I feel lost and hopeless,
When I think of you. "

"Its the feeling again" ....try Its that feeling again .
But it all changed in the blink of an eye,
When your silvery blue eyes lost their light,
And your heart stopped beating,
And that's what I see on these long nights."

i liked how you finished your poem , it was quite sad and touchy , also mentioning the title in the end was so creative .

" HAPPY REVIEW DAY "

Points: 240
Reviews: 33

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Mon Feb 10, 2014 8:30 pm

hopeless03 wrote a review...

Hello hopeless here to give you a review!!

This is a very touching poem that made me feel for the man. I really enjoyed this poem more than others. It's grammar, spelling, and punctuation is great! And the length is not too short and not too long. It's amazing through and through. You have an amazing gift to touch people's hearts and make them feel for the poem and it's content, that's a for sure. And I love how it goes through how each night is for him. It has a lot of feelsXD. Sorry had to. But thank you for this wonderful poem!

Keep writing and stay beautiful!!

~hopeless

Points: 1658
Reviews: 401

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Sat Feb 08, 2014 4:12 pm

ThereseCricket says...

Wow!
It sure looks like Flame hit everything. I was going to leave a review but Flame just got everything! Aw well. So I would like to say that this is absolutely beautiful.

Points: 31200
Reviews: 308

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Tue Jan 28, 2014 11:48 pm

GoldFlame wrote a review...

Flame here, as promised! Not too late to welcome you to YWS ?

I find it difficult to critique this, as the emotion was so raw. The words also fit together well, like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, and little of the rhyming felt forced. In other words, everything flowed. You rarely hear that compliment from me .

You also left room open for interpretation. As Jblog wrote, the death is implied, not written. It's the mark of a true poet that nothing is spelled out out for the reader...and the reader still completely understands. Not to mention that your euphemisms were genius! My favorite lines:

But it all changed in the blink of an eye,

When your silvery blue eyes lost their light,

And your heart stopped beating

But you can never shake Fluency and Grammar Nazis loose.

Lying in the bed made for two

The article "the" suggests that this bed has been referred to before. That, however, is impossible, as this was the first line of the poem. Quick fix: "Lying in a bed made for two". I'd also recommend throwing an "alone" in before "in." Clears up the meaning, and there's no need to disguise the fact that the narrator's alone.

I try and close my eyes.

I get up and get a drink

In both places, a conjunction stole the preposition's spotlight. Should be "I try to close my eyes" and "I get up to get a drink."

And I can feel my heart sink.

This line doesn't fit in well with the rest of the poem. I'd recommend extending it and/or converting it to passive voice.

Its the feeling...

"Its" should be "It's", as it's a contraction.

They are tear stained as I weep.

"Tear stained" is one word.

And your heart stopped beating,

And that's what I see on these long nights.

Both lines start with "and." It kind of ruined the flow for me. The last line is also rather a weak summary of the poem. I'd recommend just making this a three-line stanza, changing the line "and your heart stopped beating" to rhyme with "eye."

One more thing. It's not always necessary to end a line with punctuation. Think of it as narrative writing. "But it all changed in the blink of an eye, when your silvery blue eyes lost their light" wouldn't qualify as grammatically incorrect. I also caught some comma splices--places where a sentence should cut off, but then a comma steals the period's glory. For instance: "And my hands go to the photo albums, / They are tear stained as I weep."

And that's all I have. This was very well-done. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to reading more of your work!