z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

The Elemental's

by sphealwithit


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

Before you read this, I know I've posted a story with name before but after reading this file i think this may work better.

Reviews are appreciated, since i finally find myself with a goal in life and such.

Oh and another note, please excuse my "Derry-isms" It's how we talk sometimes and it always finds it's way into my work. I am also aware that this peice needs alot of work.

If you don;t understand what it means just ask.

Sphealwithit.

The Elemental's

Humans have a small ability to tell when something isn't quite right. Either it’s a feeling in their stomach or a headache. Each individual can tell when something is wrong. That’s what happened on that day. Friday the 20th January 2014.

Ah! For god’s sake Skyler!” Alex rants as Skyler lands on her feet. “Why would you do that?” Her face turns into a sad frown as she stares at her friend. She is dressed in light blue skinny jeans and navy blue converse, a black vest top and a grey cardigan. Being pretty short for an eighteen year old Skyler has to raise her head to talk to the taller but heavier girl. Alex. Alex, was wearing tight fitting black jeans, a black veil brides t-shirt with a black and green hoodie on top. She is wearing washed out looking biker boots.

Oops, sorry kinda didn't see you there Alex” Mumbles Skyler

Hmm sure” Alex sighs while rolling her eyes. She walks over to a small, leather black sofa that sits facing a slightly larger version. “I’m gonna sit with people who don’t abuse me” Alex shouts loudly as she throws herself down.

Oh, so it’s not ok for you to be abused but you can do it to other people?” A medium sized girl with short dark hair asks.

Yup” Laughs Alex as she reaches down for a blue can of Rock star on the floor. Before she can reach it the smaller girl pushes her back and retrieves the drink, before walking back to the larger sofa and sitting down next to a mousy looking boy.

Aw, come on Megan, not even one tiny sip?” Alex says while pouting. Megan just laughs and takes a large sip of the drink before handing it to the boy sitting next to her.

You can’t have any, last time you did we scared poor little kids.” Megan sighs.

Can’t have you destroying kids lives now can we?” Says the boy.

He only agrees cause he’s dating you ya know? If he wasn't he’d be saying something different” Alex says in a matter of fact tone.

I didn't ask him to say anything, he kinda just said it himself” Megan folds her arms defensively.

Yeah whatever” Moans Alex “What time is it anyway?”

Megan pulls her iPod from her pocket and unlocks the dark screen. “Ten to eight. Why?”

Curious that’s all” Alex lies down on the sofa and places her earphones in her ears. Alex turns her head to face the couple on the sofa. The boy, Oliver, was tall but not too tall, he was well built, and a healthy weight. He had Black hair that was swooped over one eye. He was wearing red converse, skinny black denim jeans, a white t-shirt with a checked red shirt on top. Megan was lying on his knee, looking up at him. She was wearing a worn pair of red vans with black skinny jeans and a tight fitting vest top with a black and red shirt on top. They were laughing at something, “Aren’t they always” Alex thinks with a sigh.

That’s when it happened. The loud rumbling from outside. Megan had moved from Oliver’s knee and slowly made her way to the window. “The hell was that?” she mumbles. "Always the curious one" Says Oliver as he follows the girl to the window.

I dunno, one minute it’s cold and crisp but now it sounds like it’s gonna start pouring down.” Says Skyler.

Megan jumped back from the window with a look of confusion on her face.

Megan? What’s going on out there?” Oliver asks in a concerned tone.

Um, it’s kinda hard to describe. But is the sky supposed to be bright red? And can people fly?” Megan points her finger out the window and one by one the teens moved to catch a glimpse.

Outside was the normal looking street with cars and a large brick building opposite, the only difference was the sky. It was bright red and in the distance were four large shadows floating among the clouds. The trees had begun to shake violently by this stage and the lights began to flicker.

What is going on up here?!” says Calvin. He’s a boy of sixteen, tall and lanky with curly black hair. “You realise you sound like a herd of elephants.” The teens take no notice until he repeats his sentence. Alex turns from the window and slowly points in the direction of their gaze. “Why? What’s happening?” He asks sounding concerned. He moves towards the window and looks up. His mouth turns into a small ‘o’ shape. “I’m going out there” He says sounding determined.

No, you’re not” Replies Megan “As much as I dislike you, you might die and that’s a bit much” Her gaze never leaves the window. Calvin glares at her and throwing his long tattered coat on he flings the large white door open and makes his way outside.

Bloody idiot” Mumbles Oliver as he and the rest of the teens watch. At first not much happens, the wind blows Calvin around but not much else. He doesn’t notice that the four shadows had moved closer, by the time he does, the shadows are pretty much overhead. He looks up and tries to run but he is paralysed in fear.

Who are you?!” He yells in fear. The shadows stop their approach and as they slowly descend they take the shape of four normal looking human beings. Well mostly normal, they have the shape but their eyes are glowing different colours. Calvin tries to take a step back but one grabs him by his throat. They speak in unison.

We are the elementals, four beings that control the earth. And we’re here to bring about a new era.” Calvin eyes grow in fear as he struggles to break free of one’s grasp. “Human’s truly are pathetic.” There is a long silence followed by a snapping noise. Behind the window there is a dead silence. The teens look on horrified and the strange being drops Calvin’s lifeless body to the floor.

Oh my god. They killed him. They really killed him.” Skyler mumbles. The four beings begin to rise into the air and soon they have moved over the building, cutting the lights as they do. The teens; shocked are left in silence and darkness.

Chapter 2

Three days after the first appearance

Screams, that’s all there has been for the past three days, screams” says Alex as she sits in a chair at the far end of the large room.

The room had been the location of a youth club for a number of years. It was spacious with a large bay window at the front. It had space for two large leather sofas and a row of computers at the opposite side. There was a small kitchen where the supervisors usually sat. And were had the supervisors been on the day of the attack? Well they had been outside having a smoke when the rumbling occurred; the teens assumed their disappearance was due to that.

Stop with the mad women thing Alex I’m trying to think here”” Sighs Megan as she stares at a map of the city.

Don’t you get it Megan there is no way out of here, they haven’t left, just moved on. Its official we’re gonna die in here.” Says Alex a little too loudly. Skyler moans and rolls over on the sofa her eyes opening for a brief second before closing again.

Aw can I not wake the baby?” Asks Alex an air of venom in her voice. Megan sighs and closes her eyes.

You know what? Fine, I give up. Find some way out of here by tomorrow if you’re so smart! I’m going downstairs.” Megan walks to a small white door just opposite the kitchen and flings it open making sure it slams loudly as it closes. Alex glares at the door before turning towards the map.

Megan stomps down the stairs to a small area; it contains one chair and the doors to an elevator. Below are the toilets. “What was that all about?” Asks Oliver sleepily. Megan sighs and turns to face the boy.

Nothing, just Alex being a psycho as usual.” She joins the boy on a makeshift bed made from a blanket and empty school bags and fleeces for pillows. Sighing she turns to face the boy, her eyes barley open.

You should sleep” Oliver says as he wraps his arms around her. Megan’s breathing eventually evens out and her eyes give up and close.

*Megan’s dream*

The sky outside the building is calm and blue, birds are chirping and the people around her seem happy and content.

This is all we want” A soft voice whispers in her ear, sending a shiver down her spine. “A perfect world with no conflict or chaos.” Megan turns her head to face the voice. Standing in front of her is a girl not much older than her. About nineteen or twenty. Megan recognises her from three days before.

You killed my friend, why should I listen?” Megan spits angrily.

In order to create a new world some losses will happen. It’s a sad price I’m afraid. A few losses for the good of many isn’t a bad thing.”

Why are you here? Why are you talking to me?” Megan asks. Confusion clear in her voice.

The other day, we were aware that you were watching us. Before we left I noticed something in your eye, it wasn’t clear to me then but now I see. It wasn’t so much happiness more relief. You pretend to be sad at his loss but underneath you couldn’t care less.” The girl was circling Megan her fiery red hair brushing her face from time to time.

You don’t know how I’m feeling” The girl laughs.

I can read you like a book you know? You don’t care and you never have. I’m not criticising it, in fact that type of cold heartlessness is just what we’re looking for.” The girl grins and stops to face Megan’s angry and confused face.

What are you taking about?” Megan asks sound weary.

Well with a whole world to take over, we can’t keep tabs on everything. We can however split ourselves into different vessels. Like you, my child.” The girl has now moved even closer and Megan can feel her breathe on her face.

What?! No!” Megan tries to wake up pinching herself and saying “That it’s just a dream” She tries to run but the girl grabs her wrist and Megan screams in pain. The girls grip is burning her flesh, the girl lets go after a few minutes. The wound isn’t like any burn Megan has ever seen, it may have felt like a burn but Megan’s wound was more similar to that of a deep scrape. Small black tendrils move from under the girls top and slowly float towards Megan as she stares at her bleeding wound.

Don’t fight it child, it’s going to happen and you can’t stop it,” The black tendrils finally reach the wound and wrap tightly around it. They sink into Megan’s wrist, travelling all the way up her arm. And that’s when it all goes black.

*Dream end*

Megan! Please Megan!” Oliver’s concerned voice reaches Megan’s ears as her eyes slowly open.

Mm what?” Megan moans as she rubs her eyes and sits up.

You were screaming in your sleep. You kept grabbing your wrist. It’s bleeding. “Oliver’s eyes looked pained and exhausted. Megan looks at her wrist in horror. Oliver hands her a large piece of toilet paper and she ties it tightly around her wrist, the blood seeping through slightly.

I’m sorry, bad dream” Megan looks at Oliver he looks more than confused. “Was I that bad?” Megan asks concerned.

No” He replies “It’s more what you said” Megan’s eyes widen as she remembers the conversation.

What did I say?” She asks

You said that you didn’t care if Calvin was dead and that you needed to make the world clean.” Finally Megan realised that the mixture of emotion in Oliver’s eyes was that of fear. She covers her mouth.

Megan, is it true? Did you really not care? What do you mean by making the world clean?” Oliver looks hopeful that Megan didn’t mean it that it was just a bad dream. Megan doesn’t reply she just stares into the distance. Oliver backs off slightly “Megan you’re scaring me, what’s wrong?”

Nothing” Megan laughs, “Nothing at all everything’s fine” Her voice sounds mixed, like someone has added another voice underneath. “Just go back to sleep Oliver, its fine” She turns to him, her eyes a bright red colour. Oliver screams.

What? No Megan wake up! You gotta be in there, whatever this thing is it’s not you!” Oliver is shouting and he is slowly standing up. Before he can run Megan has her hand around his throat.

Now why don’t you just stay there, I’m gonna pop out for a bit” Giggling she lets go and sprints up the stairs. Oliver standing with his hand around his throat falls to his knees and blacks out.

Chapter 3

Alex jumps from her sleep. The side door has been flung open and the front door went shortly after. Exhausted she rubs her eyes and wipes the drool from her face. “Must’ve fallen asleep while working” She looks at her watch, it reads 4:35am. It’s only been two hours who could’ve left? Looking around she sees nothing out of the ordinary. Pulling the side door open she walks down the small flight of stairs only to find Oliver lying face first and no Megan.

Oliver! You ok buddy? Wake up come on please” A small moan escapes from his lips as Alex rolls him onto the makeshift pillow. Dazed and confused Oliver sits up straight and starts mumbling words Alex doesn’t understand. “Oliver?” He stops suddenly and looks at Alex with a pained look on his face.

A-le-x? M-e-egan” Oliver’s eyes begin to close again. Alex leaves him to sleep before climbing the stairs again.

Where is Megan?” She thinks to herself.

*City centre*

Megan had ran all the way to the main shopping centre. Out of breath and confused she walked through a large area filled with what three days ago were normal busy shops. The floor was covered in broken glass and the chill was getting through her flimsy shirt. Finding an abandoned sweet shop she opens a fridge and grabs a Luke warm bottle of BPM energy. “What happened? Did I hurt Oliver?” Her head was pounding and her memory was fuzzy at best. Flashes of events appear before her eyes. “I ran, just left him there” She grabs her head in anger. “What the hell are you!?” A giggle?

Hello again child. Megan turns her head to see no one is there. I’m your head silly. Well I must say that was fun for a first time go what do you say?” Megan remains silent. “Oh, no reply? Aw I was looking forward to you fighting me until the bitter end” Laughs the voice.

Shut up shut up shut up!!” Yells Megan.

Ouch. Look sweetie I ain’t going nowhere soon so why don’t we get the difficult part over with. I can get rid of all those annoying emotions for you. No more pain or guilt about your boyfriend. Just let me do all the hard work.” Megan remain silent thinking over her options. “I can do lot of things honey, reading your mind is not on of them.”

Shut up” Megan mumbles as she shakes her head. The statement is followed by a short silence during which a light, cool breeze blows up Megan’s flimsy shirt and the hairs on her arms stand up.

Fine. This time you win, but I’ll be back. Ha I just realised how cheesy that sounds. Anyway in look forward to talking to you again honey adios”


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20 Reviews


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KindlingDragonsFire wrote a review...



Hullo, Moose here for a quick review.
I liked this, but the characters really distracted me. I couldn't really sense any voice! I felt like they all spoke the same way, and it kind of bothered me because Alex would be speaking and I thought it was Skyler. Also, the dialogue never seemed to pause. Such an example would be the final sentence:

“Fine. This time you win, but I’ll be back. Ha I just realised how cheesy that sounds. Anyway in look forward to talking to you again honey adios”


I feel as if after the 'Ha' there should be a comma, otherwise it just seems like they're saying the rest in monotone. Also, after 'Anyway' there should be a comma, and a period after 'honey' and 'adios' because it just feels rushed without one (in my opinion). There are a more errors with the dialogue, but they're minor like the last sentence, and all they need is a bit of sprucing up with some commas and periods.

Also, a few times you move from present tense to past tense and then back again, even if you're not portraying what has happened in the past, which can be quite confusing.
This is actually quite a nice piece, and I hope you continue writing. :D

Cheers,
Moose




sphealwithit says...


Thanks :) I wrote it to get it out of my head but i'm working on improving it



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ulala8 wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this piece, but I couldn't help but to be distracted by all of the errors. I also never felt for the characters. There was simply a lack of character development. Alex seemed the most fleshed out, however, so you can look to her as an example. There wasn't really a point to Skyler or Alex, really. They were just there.
The first error that I saw was in your title. "Elemental's" That would suggest that your title could be, "Elemental Is," or something belongs to the Elemental which is clearly not the title. Just remember that when you're conjoining two words such as it and is or do and not, you have an apostrophe conjoining the two. You also have an apostrophe that makes the word possessive. If you want to make the word plural, don't include the apostrophe.
When you say, "Each individual can tell when something is wrong," you're just repeating the opening line, basically. Either omit this line or change the opening line.
"Friday the 20th January 2014." This line is very very awkward sounding. Perhaps it's just me, but I think that it should be changed around a little as well as punctuated. "Friday, January 20th, 2014." Also, I don't see the point in including the date in the opening paragraph. Perhaps let it stand alone beneath the opening paragraph and put it in italics.
"Alex, was wearing tight fitting black jeans, a black veil brides t-shirt with a black and green hoodie on top." Alright, first, get rid of the first comma. It's unneeded. Just imagine commas as pauses in the sentence. It doesn't sound quite right. Secondly, you need to add in an "and" before continuing on with "a black veil brides...". Thirdly, "black veil brides" should be capitalized.
When you go from describing Skyler to describing Alex, make a new paragraph. It's a different topic.
I think that's all that I really need to cover. There are plenty more errors in this piece (as you've recognized), and if you apply the advice I've already given, you should be able to polish it up!

Great work! I hope that you're writing more!




sphealwithit says...


Thanks :) I didn't even notice half of those mistakes I'll get to fixing them :)




There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker