Published January 20, 2014
Stand beneath the broken awning,
thinking of me as the blackberries dry
in footprints along the hallway boards.
Touch the clutch of folded letters;
ink the creases with black dipped pen,
and kiss the stamp my sister leant you.
Whisper a secret like the sirens
we met one summer shoal night.
Say goodbye.
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137,783 Literary Works • 672,066 Reviews
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
.Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about the speaker telling someone else to recall their love. The poem uses imagery which is good since poetry should engage the senses and this poem certainly does engage the visual senses via visual imagery. Imagery can be used to reinforce a mood or to connote concepts. For example, the first stanza asks the person to stand beneath a broken awning and think of that love as blackberries are drying in the footprints in a hallway.
My understanding of this imagery:
The scene is one of slight desolation and a withering away of what was once elegant-their relationship. The broken awning could stand for the broken relationship and the footprints could stand for his leaving. The drying blackberries could also indicate a drying up of emotion within that relationship..
Then a clutch of folded letters are mentioned and the person is told to touch them and then to ink the letter’s creases with a black dipped pen and to kiss the stamp that the speaker’s sister lent him.
My understanding of this imagery:
The word clutch came across as a bit sinister since it could mean both a nest of eggs as a noun or a collection and the word also engenders a certain desperation in its verb form of grasping.So there are definitely connotations that accompany that word. I like it because of the alliteration with Touch and because it adds tension to the situation being described.
Then the person is told to whisper secrets like the sirens they both met on a shoal one night. Then the person is told to say goodbye.
My understanding of this imagery:
Sirens have the reputation as deceivers via luring or enticing sailors to their death.
However, another view on sirens is this:
So what is meant I’m really not sure.
BTW
Usually when two people break up and one of them remembers and addresses the other there is strong emotion involved. Based on the title, I was expecting the expression of such emotions as perhaps longing, deep resentment, jealousy, anger, sorrow, regretfulness. However, after reading it several times, I am not sure exactly what emotion the speaker is feeling. Why? Well, because the statements are made in such a calm neutral way that they don’t indicate anger, regret, resentment, jealousy. They come across as just instructions on what the other person should do which includes finally say goodbye.
But if indeed the word clutch must remain then I would prefer
[Caress the clutch of folded letters;]
That preserves the alliteration and conveys a special kind of touch and not just a touch.
All in all a good read. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Hello Penguin! ZLYF here for another review!
Let me get the rhythm correct first.
8 10 9
8 8 9
9 7 3
Alright, this is irregular poetry in my strictest view. There is aesthetic value as well as some rhythm.
The words do portray very well and concisely what I expect the writer is trying to convey.
I think I would revise it into the following:
Stand beneath the broken awning, (8)
think of me as blackberries dry (8)
in footprints along hallway boards. (8)
Touch the clutch of folded letters; (8)
ink the creases with black dipped pen, (8)
kiss the stamp my sister leant you. (8) \\I feel the "and" was rather redundant.
Whisper a secret like the sirens (9)
we met one summer shoal night. (7)
Say our last goodbyes. (5)
The rhythm has now been improved, don't you think?
Not much of a poet, so what you think best!
Don't forget to tell me!
Keep Writing!
Hiya Pengu~
So I think one of the interesting things about this poem, is it never actually says "you" in it despite it being in the second person. The way you have this though, makes it sound like the narrator is ordering this person around, which I'm not so sure is a good thing for this gentle poem. Although the absence of a "true" subject give this a cool effect, I'm not sure it's the right one for this particular poem.This was a really emotional and descriptive poem! I like it a lot.
Can I take this line by line?
I like the image of the broken awning (they always seem to be broken, don't they? Or at leas old and faded...). I'm not quite sure as the reader why that awning is important, but I usually associate awnings and such with summer, and that does appear to be a key part of this poem, so I think it sets the tone right. And if we're setting tones and being symbolic here, I like the fact that it's broken, because it's like love=summer=awning, and that means that the love itself is broken as well.
I really like this line, probably because I like the image of blackberries drying (as they are prone to doing if one does not pick them), and how that could relate to a person. As someone who helps cultivate raspberries (and one itty-bitty blackberry bush that has given us one blackberry in its entire life), I understand how fundamental summer is to the growth of berries, and how berries are a solely-summer occurrence. And because the blackberries are drying, that means they're getting old, and it must be towards the end of summer, which again is kind of like telling us that it's the end of love, because summer=love.
This line confused me quite a bit. The blackberries are drying in footprints? I just don't understand that. Unless for some reason someone was out jumping around on the blackberry bushes (ouch) and they got blackberries on their feet, and trailed that stuff inside? But that doesn't really make much sense. But otherwise, I like this line, especially the "hallway boards" part; I find both hallways and floorboards (although you could have been talking about wooden wall-paneling) very poetic for some strange reason.
This line is very pleasing to the ear. You have a lot of hard consonant sounds, and it makes it sound like a very definite action. I like the image of a "clutch" of folded letters. It reminds me that 'clutch' is also an action, and that it means to hold close, like those things are precious to you, so in this case that word works extremely well because these letters ARE precious. And the action of touching them, (I imagine very gently and fondly and perhaps wistfully too) really makes this point clear. Why would you touch something like a letter (where you read it once, and you know what's in it) if it was really important to you? You displayed these emotions in a very subtle way, and I really liked the way this whole line fit together.
This line threw me off for a minute, but I like the way you kind of twisted around the normal way of saying this. I think I would have said "blacken the creases with an ink-dipped pen" but the way you wrote it attracts more attention to those words, and puts more emphasis on them, because they stick out a bit more. I always forget that "ink" is a verb, and having such a descriptive verb at the very head of your sentence is a great thing visually.
You and your past participle verbs ending in t. XD
I like this line. It's extremely visual, and it's also very emotional. The only thing I'm wondering as a reader is "why is this sister important?" It's nice to have that small detail, and this is the type of poem where it's okay to go into tiny, unexplained details because it's like you're counting up all of the little things that amount to the big ones. I don't know if that makes sense. But I'd still like to see another instance of this mysterious sister.
In my experience, sirens sing, not whisper, so I'm not sure that's the best use of them. As the reader, I'm also curious as to what this secret is, but a secret's a secret, and telling would be telling.
When I first read this, I thought this line was separate from the last, and you just forgot to put in punctuation. I suggest putting a "that" or something at the beginning of this line, because these lines mean different things if you read them as two sentences. Otherwise, I really like this line (again! isn't it amazing!?). You actually put the word "summer" in here, just to confirm all our suspicions. I also like the word "shoal," especially when paired with "sirens," both things being of the majestic, beautiful side of the sea. Plus, "summer" and "shoal" sound really nice together. Plus I like the word "shoal" in every context.
This line... ooh, this line.
It came so abruptly, and I wasn't done enjoying the poem, and the two words didn't fit with the flow, and I wanted more of this story, and I wanted to know what happened, but no! "goodbye"
Now, I wanted it to be longer, and to fit with the flow, but perhaps this is symbolic of how this kind of love ends abruptly, and without warning, and it's not nice, strings all tied up, evenly cut kind of love. It's the kind that leaves you hanging, wanting more.
Anyway, those were just some suggestions and rambles. I really enjoyed this poem, thanks for posting it.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
How sad.
I've read about a lot of love stories, but every time someone writes something like this, I always feel the same.
I love the simpleness of this poem. It is short, and sweet, but there is a lot of depth here, and you use some beautiful descriptions which truly make it worth the read.
"Whisper a secret like the sirens
we met one summer shoal night.
Say goodbye."
What a way to end the poem.
Even in the very first line I get the sense of the depression and the sadness here, though there was once that love. Clinging, till the last moment, until you realize that it's time to just let it go.
This is a wonderful rendition of a very used topic.
Thank you PenguinAttack!
Hello! I love this poem because of its deceptive simplicity and astounding depth.
One thing I'm wondering about is the second and third line of the first stanza. When you say
what exactly do you mean? The second line doesn't seem to relate the the third and I can't seem to understand exactly what you mean by blackberries drying in footprints. I mean I can identify things that it could mean, and it's not to terribly important, I was just interested in knowing what you meant when you said it.
That's all that I have to say. Otherwise this poem is so starkly sentimental and paints such a clear and beautiful picture that I feel like I'm looking at a Degas painting.
Thanks for a beautiful read!
Hey Pengu, Subtle here for a review for the promised review. There isn't for much to say, on fact this is going to be a terribly short review due to the fact I can't find any nitpicks within this poem.
I actually had to read this over several times before I realized what this poem was about, and after doing that. I'm still not sure about what the metaphors and similes were about. If I had to surmise, I would say that this was about a relationship between two people but one had broken away.
I cannot truly say as I cannot fully understand this poem, but the ending was a daunting one but nonetheless a very memorable one.
This is a great poem, it is.
-S.s
I like this poem. I like how you introduce simple things that are specific the relationship between these two people; like the stamp. It's an alternative love poem. The ending is plain but haunting. I would suggest things to add but I think adding anything would detract from the poem, as it is supposed to be short and sweet.