Young Writers Society

Hey Susurrus,


This is Magenta here to review your poem. I thought that this was really well-written. I wasn't really sure whether or not you has a clear message or meaning in this. I would suggest that you change this and expand on it is that the message is clearer. I'm sorry if I sound rude but it just needs a little more. There still is lots of depth to the poem. I think you have a great poem.

"Too much water, I think they meant.
As I walked to work I found myself
Wading through typewriters
And women's shoes.
Discarded belongings-
It's too hard to swim whilst holding them."

I wasn't sure what parts of this meant. Anyway, I think this is really good. Nice vocabulary.

This poem is very interesting. I'm not sure what to make of it, or exactly what the message you are trying to convey is, as the interpretation I get probably is only a small part of it. There's a lot of depth to this poem.

"Hooks adorned the sky, replacing stars.
I watched as someone grasped for one."

"I didn't reach for the stars - or the hooks.
I was content with scouring the streets for scales,"

These four lines, thought not coupled together in the poem, really compliment each other. The writer really seems to be only interested in this water world at first, but then down at the end wants to become like the people they are observing.

You use some very good language to describe this world and what you are seeing down below, keeping it interesting. I almost sense a brief mention of Atlantis here,

"I pressed my face against the side,
And watched the city sink."

Not sure if you meant this, but nonetheless it's an interesting touch. Overall, I really liked this poem and its depth.

Thank you Susurrus!

Hi Susurrus!

I can tell that this poem means a lot to you, particularly considering the subject matter and the completely clear intent and emotion that is running through the work. I want to commend you on making your purpose and your emotion clear in this piece, it is sometimes difficult to come across as sincere in what you want to write if it is a very deep topic, but you've done this excellently here.

Firstly, I want to say that the following lines are my absolute favourite in this entire poem. This could be your poem, without any of the rest. These lines are absolutely perfect and they say the water, and the devastation and the loss and everything, it's wonderful. I have put your "and" on the next line with "women's" because I am of the belief one should never end on a preposition. You want to make the end of your lines have weight, have gravitas in many ways. When reading a poem, you should pause slightly on the final word of each line, and pausing on "and" or "it" is awkward and unpleasant both to say and hear.

"I found myself
wading through typewriters
and women's shoes."

For the rest of your poem; I think it is missing some of the sense of desperation that you have in those three lines. You are telling us everything faithfully and I believe every moment of your recitation as something which is close to the narrator and which has a deep meaning, but it doesn't have the connection I would usually associate with such a poem. I want you to think about minimalising the evens to begin with - what are the most important scenes to you, which ones say the most. "corroded beyond repair" is lovely, and speaks of long flood, of time slipping over and over in the same place until you are so tired. And your final line is something which is deep and rough and heartfelt - I think you should keep it there. But basically I think you need to work out the events and the scenes and what shows them. I'd like to see "the torn corner of my corroded city/ underwater and beyond repair" - so try shifting around some of your lines and think about unusual ways of phrasing. The best part about poetry is that it doesn't have to make "logical" sense, mostly just emotional sense. If the image is conveying the message appropriately, we won't worry that the image is odd, instead we will think about how beautifully it is conveyed.

I hope that is useful to you! Consider minimalising and then extending the poem! It could easily be a few more stanzas/lines with some strong imagery and narrative. Thank you for posting, I have enjoyed reading and interpreting your work immensely!

Please feel free to hit me up if you have any questions, queries or just want to chat!

- Penguin.

*whistles softly*

I've read this poem two times now, and I'm still unsure of what to make of it. Except that this is really unique, and strange and in a way beautiful. I read your preface and you say that Jakarta is flooding, now I read it again and it makes more sense. You will be getting a like from me, because this is one of the most unique poems I have read about a city flooding.

There are no major nitpicks, grammatical or rhythm. I'm very impressed actually, so I think I will end on some praise.

Hooks adorn the sky, replacing stars.
I watch as someone grasps for one.
Their hand is stabbed and their blood clouds in water.

Garbage is gilded and dirt is studded with diamonds.
My city underwater is corroded beyond repair
But I have never been more willing to drown.