Hey you!
manisha here for a review.
I'll review as I read.
I'm going to be outright mean and tear the short to shreds.
The house belonged to Amvi’s grandmother who died when she was twelve years old.
You have probably heard this before but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway. The first sentence of your stories determines the interest of the reader. You need it to be strong and good enough to grab a readers attention. Unfortunately, this start fails to do that. Its not setting any mood to the story as I read further on.
You have done an excellent job at describing the house to its details. Which sometimes could also not give breathing space.
The house was bright with all the lights switched on. The porch had a small chandelier with crystals balls. The light was bright in the porch. The street lamps outside were not working. Their house was lonely, situated on an empty road with dry shrubs and a few mango trees. The house was silent except for the chirping of crickets and the soft giggles of Sheila’s children. The faint sounds were comforting and gave her human company while Amvi wasn’t doing anything to keep Sheila busy. The onions were sliced and diced. Her knife, she kept it aside and let out an audible sigh of relief. She saw Amvi lift her head to smile at her. The light of the kitchen went off.
You have shifted the narration to Sheila here. Nothing wrong with head hopping as long as it doesn't confuse the reader as to who is narrating. Here, for instance, I didn't know it was Sheila until I got to the knife part. You can easily clear the confusion by letting the reader know who the narrator is by mentioning so at the start of the para.
Something like this- The light was bright in the porch. Sheila could see that the street lamps outside were not working.
She saw Amvi lift her head to smile at her.
There is a lot of smiling going on. Again, nothing wrong. Its just that I used to do that once and when I read it now it sounds funny. You can ignore this suggestion if you want to. You can always show the smile with different words. for example-
A tug at the lips.
Or something like that. I'm doing a poor job at explaining this but I hope you get the general idea
The ending is definitely creepy and scary. But as everyone pointed out, it is rushed. Things happen too quickly for us to actually feel the spookiness you are trying to weave through the story. Slow down, add little details which will give life to any action. You will do great!
Overall,
It was done well. You have a strong base for a story and a fine style of writing. And great description!
Keep writing!
-manisha
Points: 398
Reviews: 189
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