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Young Writers Society



Lights Went Off.

by SandraYuo


The house belonged to Amvi’s grandmother who died when she was twelve years old. Years had passed by and the grief of her grandmother’s death had slowly faded. On every vacation Amvi and her mother would visit her relatives. The front gate was adorned with vines of jasmine flowers. The gate, whose silver paint was peeling off, opened with a loud creek- the home’s first doorbell. And the porch had a wooden seat with a comfortable yet old cushion. The slippers lay strewn on the right side of the porch. When you opened the doors to the hall a big mirror with intrinsic carving of fruits and flowers welcomed you. The tremendous square living room was always cleaned with a damp sweet smelling cloth. A long passageway led to an open space with its ceiling grilled horizontally. You could see the mango trees rising high above the house. And at the end of the open space was a kitchen dirtily kept. Over the years, it had also become home to lizards and spiders. Along the sides of the passageway were three rooms. And another bedroom was attached to the living room, separated by wooden doors.

It was a warm night and Amvi sat in the kitchen cross legged. She was fiddling with her Rubik’s cube. Her mother had gone to the nearby town to visit her sisters. Her aunt was sitting on a red plastic chair facing the hall, making sure her children were doing their homework. Amvi’s older cousins-three boys and a girl- were scribbling into their notebooks giggling about something their mother could not hear. Her aunt, Sheila smiled to herself and continued cutting the onions on the nearby table. She looked at Amvi, the seventeen year old girl. Yet Amvi looked young to be a teenage girl. She was short and had long curly black hair. Her hazel eyes were small and sparkled with curiosity. She looked up at Sheila and smiled.

‘You are a beautiful girl Amvi.’ Shelia said. Amvi stared back vacantly. She never responded to appreciation fearing they were never true. She smiled and looked back at her cube. She concentrated on the red color and was not thinking of anything in particular.

The house was bright with all the lights switched on. The porch had a small chandelier with crystals balls. The light was bright in the porch. The street lamps outside were not working. Their house was lonely, situated on an empty road with dry shrubs and a few mango trees. The house was silent except for the chirping of crickets and the soft giggles of Sheila’s children. The faint sounds were comforting and gave her human company while Amvi wasn’t doing anything to keep Sheila busy. The onions were sliced and diced. Her knife, she kept it aside and let out an audible sigh of relief. She saw Amvi lift her head to smile at her. The light of the kitchen went off.

Sheila looked into the hall. There was electricity in their house except for the kitchen’s tubelight. Too tired to get up she said, ‘Amvi, try switching on the light again.’

Amvi did as she said. ‘No, it’s not working. It must be replaced. I’ll try the lamp.’ Amvi said.

Sheila watched her switch on the lamp but that too did not work. ‘It’s okay. Bring me a torch. I still have rice to cook.’ she said.

Amvi nodded and went outside the kitchen and stepped into the passageway. The passageway was long and it accommodated a neat column of four tube lights. Sheila smiled as she saw slimly built Amvi bounce softly as she walked. She passed the first light and it switched off. As she passed the second the second light also switched off. As Amvi walked around, darkness followed her. Sheila gripped the arms of her chair and looked more carefully. The fourth light went off as Amvi passed it. As she went into the living room, Sheila saw her children greet Amvi. She saw that Amvi was looking for the torch everywhere. As Amvi glided into the bedroom, the halls light turned off immediately. She heard her children groan and hoot as the house slowly plunged into darkness. The light of the bedroom and porch now lit the house dimly. She got up and called out her children’s name and Amvi’s. There was an eerie silence. Sheila rushed into the hall.

Amvi mixed up the pillows of the beds and looked into the bookshelf. The house was big and the torch could be anywhere. Amvi felt surprised about why they didn’t have many torches or any candles. Losing hope she left the bedroom and stood in the porch and the bedroom’s lights switched off. Amvi couldn’t find the torch that Sheila had asked her to get. She turned back to see the house completely dark. She couldn’t hear anybody or see anybody in the porch’s bright light. She felt a mysterious black mist surrounding her from the streets and the house. She didn’t feel like leaving the light but she wanted to see her aunt and talk with her cousins. She walked into the hall anxiously. And she felt the porch lights go out. Not a whisper was heard from the grandmother’s house afterwards.


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189 Reviews


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Thu Jan 23, 2014 2:13 pm
manisha wrote a review...



Hey you!

manisha here for a review.

I'll review as I read.

I'm going to be outright mean and tear the short to shreds. :D

The house belonged to Amvi’s grandmother who died when she was twelve years old.
You have probably heard this before but I'm going to go ahead and say it anyway. The first sentence of your stories determines the interest of the reader. You need it to be strong and good enough to grab a readers attention. Unfortunately, this start fails to do that. Its not setting any mood to the story as I read further on.

You have done an excellent job at describing the house to its details. Which sometimes could also not give breathing space.

The house was bright with all the lights switched on. The porch had a small chandelier with crystals balls. The light was bright in the porch. The street lamps outside were not working. Their house was lonely, situated on an empty road with dry shrubs and a few mango trees. The house was silent except for the chirping of crickets and the soft giggles of Sheila’s children. The faint sounds were comforting and gave her human company while Amvi wasn’t doing anything to keep Sheila busy. The onions were sliced and diced. Her knife, she kept it aside and let out an audible sigh of relief. She saw Amvi lift her head to smile at her. The light of the kitchen went off.

You have shifted the narration to Sheila here. Nothing wrong with head hopping as long as it doesn't confuse the reader as to who is narrating. Here, for instance, I didn't know it was Sheila until I got to the knife part. You can easily clear the confusion by letting the reader know who the narrator is by mentioning so at the start of the para.
Something like this- The light was bright in the porch. Sheila could see that the street lamps outside were not working.

She saw Amvi lift her head to smile at her.
There is a lot of smiling going on. Again, nothing wrong. Its just that I used to do that once and when I read it now it sounds funny. You can ignore this suggestion if you want to. You can always show the smile with different words. for example-
A tug at the lips.
Or something like that. I'm doing a poor job at explaining this but I hope you get the general idea :D

The ending is definitely creepy and scary. But as everyone pointed out, it is rushed. Things happen too quickly for us to actually feel the spookiness you are trying to weave through the story. Slow down, add little details which will give life to any action. You will do great!

Overall,
It was done well. You have a strong base for a story and a fine style of writing. And great description!

Keep writing!

-manisha




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Mon Jan 20, 2014 2:32 am
Gringoamericano wrote a review...



I really liked the imagery. Very descriptive, very vivid and whatnot and the story is pretty much driven by it. The frequent repetition of "the house" did kind of throw the story's flow off a bit, but that could just be me.

The story's concept really benefits from its length. I feel that if it was any longer, it would've been a bunch of purple prose about a girl looking for a flashlight. Any shorter, and it would've seemed strange, and the ambiguity definitely helps.




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Sat Jan 11, 2014 7:49 pm
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.

This is a great piece. Your descriptions, particularly of her grandmother's old home, are utterly amazing. You can easily picture everything from what you describe, and that's not always easy.

That aside, I agree with what Messenger said, regarding the pacing being a bit fast and hurried; the emotion part of the story seriously lacking; and also, the ending leaves something to be desired.

I think this has pretty great bones, and could easily make for a flawless suspense story. But I would advise editing it a bit, maybe even rewriting most of it, in order to make the plot more clear and terrify readers.

Lastly---and this is important---you don't have nearly enough paragraph breaks. Please, please go back and add some more in. Otherwise, a good chunk of this story looks like merely several big blocks of text, and that'll scare off potential readers like you wouldn't believe. ;)

Besides for that, really good work on this! A little polish and this could be an amazing story.




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Sat Jan 11, 2014 6:41 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



The Messenger here to review for ya!

So, I really like your idea here. It is a spooky idea, and leaving no explanation is fine. It adds to the suspense. But I feel that this story was rushed and not detailed enough. You explain where everyone is in the first paragraph, but there wasn't really any reason. Then when Sheila smiles at Amvi, Amvi doesn't think it to be true, but we never have any idea why. Therefore it seems pointless, but I am sure it isn't.

Then when the lights go ff it got really confusing. I didn't understand the layout of the house, and you kept on switching POV's. Try sticking with Amvi's. Also, and this is the big thing that grabbed my attention, was the fact that very little emotion is shone in this. Remember to add it in. Is Amvi scared? Is Sheila scared? Is the aunt frustrated that the lights went out?

Then when Amvi went to look for the torch, Sheila suddenly becomes really worried for seemingly no reason. And Amvi somehow gets to the porch without going back through the hallway. Then she enters and it ends. I feel like you could at least make a scary part right at the end where something happens to Amvi. Maybe it was a burglar, or a monster? We don't need to know details, but you leave me with no idea at all what's happening.

I think you jut need to slow it all down. Give more details and description, as well as emotion to the story. This could be an ever creepier story if you tweak it a little. These are all just suggestions. You don't have to listen to me, and I hope I didn't upset you or discourage you, it was not my intention. Hope this helps!
Keep it up!





What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.
— J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye