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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Demise

by Ravenboy


He glanced at the grand mirror one more time, the shadow of a smile slowly appeared on his pale lips. It was not of his usual demeanour to observe girls so blatantly. But what does it matter, he thought to himself, her soul would be his soon enough. He could see her, the fragile beginning and the tragic end of Violet Denrose. Avast, he scolded himself silently. No, he thought with a slight curl of his lips, Violet Denrose’s fate was his as soon as she stepped into that ballroom.

Enchanté, Miss Denrose.” A seductive voice rose out of the musty air like a ghost, she knew that voice all too well. With a slight roll of her stone grey eyes she turned and faced the boy, smiling down at her like a cat that had just eaten a canary.

Harrison, leave me out of this.”

The boy dropped his playful demeanour and with a gesture of his head that indicated the lean figure that resided against the dark velvet wall.

Julian wants to see you, and you know how he is, Violet.”

She tensed slightly, than exhaled. MIsty grey eyes glinting in the dark muted lights in the ballroom. She smoothed the smooth creamy material of her dress and stood up, to others, she had a cat-like grace as she glided across the ballroom and courtesy low to the man.

Sir Julian.”

Miss Denrose.” He spoke in a low but lightly accented voice, she kept her eyes downcast as he pulled her hand up and lightly grazed her knuckles with his chapped lips. She fought a disgusted shiver as he tilted her chin up, long tapered fingers against her skin. Julian Arrington had the beauty of an angel and the heart of a devil; she was one of the selected few to know the truth of his soul.

Let me see your face, Violet.” He murmured softly, firm fingers tilting her chin up and even in the low light; she could see the electrifying torment of his blue eyes bored into hers. His face held an angelic smile but his eyes were a nothing but that as he leaned down, touching his forehead against hers. His fingers moved across her cheek gently in a caressing manner, really she didn’t see how that was seductive at all.

What do you want, Julian?” She murmured softly, trying not to knee him in his nether.

You should know that by now, love.” He whispered in her ear.

You should know by now that I will refuse, love.” She retorted back, adding a touch of sarcasm at love.

You wound me, Miss Denrose.” He pulled away from her, one hand on his heart in a mocking gesture. Smiling like a vixen.

Wonderful, if you die right now that would most definitely make me evening. She thought to herself while plastering on a smile on her face.

I apologize for your loss.”

I do not want your words, Miss Denrose.” He bent low once more, lips boldly gliding across her pressed ones. “Action speaks louder than words.”

My dear sir, excuse me for a one moment.” She agonizingly removed herself from his vine-like grip and retreated with what she hoped was an apologetic smile. On the way back to the balcony, she spotted several other girls eyeing her with enough jealousy to kill a rat.

Miss Denrose.” His voice followed behind her like an overeager puppy; nonetheless she continued her walk to the balcony, opening the large oak doors with a flourish of her hands. It was than she turned around, eyes watching with a flicker of amusement at the swish of her dress hem.

Like feathers, she thought, soft feathers.

Miss Denrose.”

She snapped her head around with an impatient air.

Yes, Julian?”

Hm.” His voice was a mere whisper, filled with something so foreign she could not fathom what it was. But all thoughts was forgotten as his arms circled her waist tightly, pressing her body flushed against his.

Julian!” She hissed angrily, misty eyes churning with the anger of an upcoming storm as she locked gaze with his smug ones. “Let go of me!” She growled, lifting her knee up in preparation to give the young man what he deserved but yet, she felt a warm hand atop of it. Squeezing in painfully, he bent down and whispered, forcing her one step backwards.

You only need to ask, Miss Denrose.” His soft peach lips curled into a cruel smirk, his hands travelled upwards to her horror, she could only stare at him with her jaws ajar much like a fish out of water. All of a sudden, he shook his head regrettably as he pressed her back against what she now recognized as the balcony rail.

How sad, how terribly sad.” He shook his head at her, and she looked up out of the haze of confusion to find tears that raced down his pale cheeks in rivulets. The alarm bells were ringing frantically in her brain as she felt the cold marble pressing into her back, and with a final grunt and a startled scream that ended in seconds.

The pain lasted a mere second, a white burning stretch of agony that consumed her entire being that burned away to a new world, of darkness.

Welcome Violet, is a pleasure to have you on board.” The voice drifted out from the dark and enveloped her in a cold cocoon.

What, where am I?” She called out in a croak whisper, the dull pain throbbing in her skull.

There was a low chuckle and darkness blinded her vision once again, only this time, she would wake to brightness.


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14 Reviews


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Mon Feb 17, 2014 5:35 pm
spanaki93 wrote a review...



A successful story according to my point of view is to keep you hooked from the very first line, so that you keep on reading.Yours did that to me.You set the atmosphere and the climate very drastically, so it is hard to miss that feeling of tension throughout the whole thing. Julian is indeed a very intriguing character, that offers a lot of diversity and is fun to play with and evolve.On the other hand, Violet is kinda dull and her ending predictable.I liked your descriptions and your use use of language although I would change some words here or there that have been pointed out already by Iggy.Keep up the good work!




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Sun Jan 26, 2014 1:43 pm
Magenta wrote a review...



Hello Ravenboy,

This is Magenta here to review your short story, Demise, which you have submitted to the website! I think that you are a great writer and this will bring you far. Okay, so let me start reviewing.

"He glanced at the grand mirror one more time, the shadow of a smile slowly appeared on his pale lips. " I'm not sure if I would keep this sentence this way. These could be two separate sentences but the second would have to be changed because it is a fragment of a thought. I think that you should have a semicolon here instead of the comma you placed there.

"“Enchanté, Miss Denrose.” A seductive voice rose out of the musty air like a ghost, she knew that voice all too well. With a slight roll of her stone grey eyes she turned and faced the boy, smiling down at her like a cat that had just eaten a canary."

“Harrison, leave me out of this.”
Okay, so I wasn't sure who was who at first. There is Miss Denrose who is standing somewhere and then the voice of a person she knows the voice all to well of. But then you wrote, "With a slight roll of her stone grey eyes she turned and faced the boy, smiling down at her like a cat that had just eaten a canary." It is a boy, yet you say she turned to look down on her. This was a bit confusing. If you read it over you might see what I mean by this.

You have a few grammatical mistakes, like missing a comma after "grey eyes" and such. I'm not sure if it is spelt that way either. Grey or gray. I thought that "gray" was the color...
Anyway, those are just small silly mistakes which doesn't amount to the amazing writing abilities you have. Good job. ;)

- Magenta




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Sun Jan 12, 2014 4:57 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Greetings, Ravenboy! :)

But what does it matter, he thought to himself, her soul would be his soon enough.


I recommend breaking this sentence into two sentences. Since you're asking a question in the first part, change that comma to a question mark, then unitalicize the" he thought" part. Then change "her" to "Her". I think it would put better emphasis on the sentences and it just sounds better. :)

A seductive voice rose out of the musty air like a ghost, she knew that voice all too well.


You'll need to replace that comma with a semicolon since both parts of the sentence are what we call independent clauses.

With a slight roll of her stone grey eyes she turned and faced the boy, who was smiling down at her like a cat that had just eaten a canary.


Two things:
1. Add a comma after "eyes"
2. I suggest you reword this entire sentence. The way you have it structured makes it sound like it's Violet doing the smiling when it's really Julian doing it. I suggest adding in the bolded words to make it clear that it's Julian who's doing the smiling, not Violet.

MIsty grey eyes


Shouldn't be capitalized.

She smoothed the smooth creamy material of her dress and stood up, to others, she had a cat-like grace as she glided across the ballroom and courtesy low to the man.


Three things:
1. She smoothed the smooth - consider using a different adjective to describe the dress. Silky might work better. Smoothing the smooth material is rather redundant to say and it just sounds like you're repeating yourself.
2. You'll need to replace that comma with a semicolon.
3. Courtesy - this I suggest you do a different spelling so it doesn't confuse the reader. In fact, I thought it was this kind of courtesy. Suggested spelling would be curtsy or curtsey. Also make sure the tense is used correctly, so make it "curtsied".

lightly accented voice, she kept her eyes downcast

His fingers moved across her cheek gently in a caressing manner, really she didn’t see how


All commas should be semicolons.

“Welcome Violet, It is a pleasure to have you on board.”


Add in the bolded word.


Okay, so. Finish this. You don't necessary have to make it a novel. You can keep it as a short story, but break it into parts. This can be part one and, if you do decide to continue this, you'd make the next one part two. If you do continue it, definitely let me know because this was really good!

I completely adore the way you write, especially when you're describing the scene! You use beautiful adjectives when writing about the eyes or the dress or their actions. That was a really nice addition, so kudos on that. It helps bring the story to life. :)

I did notice you were having trouble with commas and semicolons, so here's a good article to read that should help. You also have some issues with using commas to link two independent clauses together, so read this as well.

Overall, you did a great job with all of this! It was a pleasure to read, and I think you really captured the scene and bringing it to life. I was a bit confused with how she died; he broke her back on the balcony, yes? But besides that, it was great! The ending was a nice cliffhanger, and that is why I beg you to write a sequel or part two and give us answers! :)

-Iggy




Ravenboy says...


Thank you, thank you! Yes, I'm not so good with punctuations and the articles were wonderful. Thank you Iggy!



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Sat Jan 11, 2014 3:50 pm
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AfterTheStorm wrote a review...



Morning, RavenBoy! The name's Storm, and I'll be reviewing for ya on this rather stormy morning. (I don't know how your winter has been treating you, but mine has regrettably been filled with rain and thunder. -__-) Anyways, let's jump right in, shall we?

He glanced at the grand mirror one more time, the shadow of a smile slowly appeared on his pale lips. Because these are two independent phrases, a period/connecting word instead of a comma would work better here. Despite this small mistake though, this first line is enamoring. Your command over words captured me!

A seductive voice rose out of the musty air like a ghost, she knew that voice all too well. Once again, a period or semi-colon or connection makes more sense after "ghost".


Also, here's a note for future reference: When writing a conversation between characters, if you say something like "'I doubt that, sweetheart,' he murmured" a comma should break the quotation and the description of the whoever spoke. So this: {"Hey, Jimmy Bob Joe," he called.} Instead of: {"Hey, Jimmy Bob Joe." He called.}

Julian Arrington had the beauty of an angel and the heart of a devil... I absolutely love this part. It reminds me of a reversed "Phantom of the Opera" kind of thing.

I like how very early on the reader begins to pick up on Violet's attitude and personality without you having to bluntly state it. :D

GAH. The ending. I was like, "Wha-?!" Haha Please continue this, Raven! Other than the said punctuational mistakes, this was a solid piece. And like I said, you have a talent for rich descriptions which drew me in immediately. I want to see more from you. :D *tips hat* Well, that's all for this morning, so as always: Write on!

---Storm




Ravenboy says...


Thank you so much! :)




If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman