They say that the world is smaller now,
“Distance is a dying breed”, they preach
But why is it, when calls are at a finger’s breadth
People are out of reach?
I look back down memory lane,
Oh! The happy hours that fleet and pass,
That I had always counted on,
But happiness, just like pretty, delicate glass,
Or is like walking on thin ice,
One moment you have your hold,
And a moment later, you lose it all,
How to ever remain afloat? That they never told,
What anchor can keep you safe,
When it was the anchor itself that gave way.
And just like that, the people you thought would always stay,
For reasons unknown, move away.
Was it something that I did?
Or did the Fates intervene?
Is Death planning to make its move?
Or do they themselves want their past wiped clean?
Life moves on, the sun comes and goes,
But never can the light clear the newfound doubt,
You never can forgive, you never can forget,
Some ears never listen although you shout.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
HI! Happy Review Day! victorianbeauty here to give you a review. Great Work! I love you eloquently you put life and change, how well you describe the feelings people have when they lose contact people that were too important to them.
Anyways, on to the review! I didn't see anything wrong with how the piece flowed. Mainly, all I saw were punctuation errors.
Firstly,
"They say that the world is smaller now,
“Distance is a dying breed”, they preach "
I would put a period after 'preach'. It'll help close that thought that you're wanting to put through.
"But why is it, when calls are at a finger’s breadth
People are out of reach?"
I would place a comma after breadth. It would help the phrase flow better and seem less like a run-on sentence.
"But happiness, just like pretty, delicate glass,
Or is like walking on thin ice,
One moment you have your hold,
And a moment later, you lose it all,"
I would cut out the 'or' and replace the comma after 'ice' with a period. Also, replace the comma after 'all' with a period.
I saw a couple other little things but I don't want to drag on and on, so I'll stop now. Great work and keep it up!
This is a very nice poem, and I really can't fault it. (By the way awesome avatar. )
The principle thing I liked about this poem was the steady rhyme structure, it allowed the reader to pace the poem, and keeps a steady rhythm.
I particularly liked the rhythm because to me it sounded almost shakespeareish, and I like Shakespeare muchly.
Keep writing,
Take That You Fiend!
Hey there! I am going to be reviewing your poem for today! So here we go.
Comments
This might just be a "me" thing but I believe there should be a period or a comma within the quotes. Of course, I may be wrong but for some reason it looks a bit weird to me as I read it. Just a thought to ponder on.
Amazing job here, I like the word choice as well as the message behind it. For me, I connect with this part of the stanza in the first because of how I interpreted it. Job well done!
This seems like one long sentence to put together. Though it is well done and pieced great, I would change it into two sentences. Maybe when you are talking about how happiness is? Again, just a thought to ponder on.
Over All
Over all, it was an amazing piece! Very well put together and constructed! It was an honor to review this for you, though I am no poet. I am more of a writer, I understand your poem. Well, my reasoning as I go through it. As I was saying, just a few thoughts as I was reading through your poem, don't feel the need to change them. If they are meant that way, keep it. ^.^ If you have any questions, feel free to send me a message. If you would like other pieces reviewed, please post them on my profile and I would be more than happy to do those for you. Thank you so much for your time reading through the review and keep on writing!
~Knight Onyx
Thank you so much for you review!! It means a lot and i understand whatever you pointed out but you know... once i write something, changing a little part would be like changing the entire thing. So. i'll keep the long sentences thing in mind as i have a habit of doing that, thanks again
No problem! Totally understand where you are coming from.
Keep on writing!
Hi there, I'm here to review your poem!
And it is awesome. Seriously, how did you come up with this? I love everything about it.
My favorite line has to be:
It sounds really pretty, is all. I especially love the first line. Comparing happiness as this delicate thing, something as delicate and easily breakable as glass. This is beautiful.
Keep writing!
Thanks, its how my thoughts just pour out. Your reviews are what keep me going.