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Young Writers Society



Saltwater Wounds - Chapter One

by TriSARAHtops


The sea holds many things. There are the obvious, the tangible, such as fish, sharks and seaweed. Then there are the abstract, the qualities that we give to the sea. For the asylum seeker, it may hold hope, while for the inexperienced swimmer, danger. The same water which holds adventure for the explorer may hold a livelihood for the fisherman. Memories, betrayals, heartbreak and inspiration can all be held within the ocean’s depths, and influence lives with every flow and ebb of the tide.

For Adela Sage, the sea held secrets. It was her closest friend and only confidant. Every morning before school, she would make her way down to the beach and confess all her worries and desires to the waves, regardless of cold, rain, or the suffocating fog that the town of Solar Cove was known for. Some days, she would stay for only a few minutes, but other days, bad days, she would stay for over an hour, and arrive at school late and covered in sand but in good spirits. She’d been warned again and again, by her teachers, by her father, even by some of her more studious friends, that being late would have repercussions, but the ocean’s call each morning was like a siren’s song. No part of her could resist it, and she didn’t know how she would ever cope without being able to whisper her secrets to the sprawling blue horizon. Some people found solace in the company of others. Some found it in religion. Some found it through working. Adela found hers in the sea.

The sky was clear and the water still on the Tuesday morning when Adela made her way to where she liked to sit on one of the rocks that jutted out into the surf. It was a natural pier of eternally slippery rock, as treacherous as a liar when the waves crashed against it, but today, as calm a day as you could hope for in Solar Cove, Adela was able to sit of the farthest edge of the rock without fear of being swept away. As always, she placed her old plastic raincoat between herself and the rock, to prevent her school dress from being soaked through. Every few seconds, her face would be splashed by the lapping water, but she didn’t mind. The part of the beach she called her own was too rocky for tourists and the waves were never high enough for surfers, which meant she was always alone. Nobody, in all the time she had been coming here, had ever interrupted her, and it was completely silent, save for the rustling of leaves and the whispers of the waves.

I belong here, she thought happily, feeling an unconscious smile spread across her face, the kind of smile that she’d never let anyone else see.

She didn’t have any secrets to tell the sea today. Nothing noteworthy had happened to her, exams were ages away and she didn’t have a crush on anyone. Her entire school had fallen into a kind of lull, and it had ignited a spark of fierce boredom and wanting in Adela, the kind of desperate feeling that wasn’t directed toward anything in particular, but was colossal in strength nonetheless. She stared out towards the horizon, searching for an answer in the glittering reflections on the water’s surface.

She felt in her pocket for one of the pebbles she had liberated from her neighbour’s front yard as she had first left for school. Pulling it out, she balanced it in her hand, pensive.

“I want…” she murmured as she threw it. It bounced once, twice, three times before disappearing into the water’s depths. She didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Wanting had become a directionless sensation that even her beloved ocean couldn’t cure. She yearned for something without a name, something different, something more.

“Uh, hi there,” Cutting through the quiet hush, the sound of another human voice startled Adela. She turned around slowly, feeling a strange cocktail of curiosity and bitterness.

“Hi,” she said coolly as she spotted the intruder. Intruder, because that was what his presence felt like, and despite his shy half-smile and the nervous slouch to his shoulders, he had violated the one place that Adela felt assured of solitude. He was also, she noticed, wearing shoes; a battered and faded pair of navy blue Converse. There were few things Adela despised more than people who wore footwear to the beach. Her own shoes were in her school bag, which hung from one of the branches of a tree at the edge of the scrubby bushland which separated the beach from the road. These same trees snaked up, inexplicably, onto the sand on Adela’s right, which was where her unwanted visitor now stood.

“I guess I’ve reached a dead end,” he looked up at the high cliff-face to the left of where Adela sat, which formed the third wall of her usually impenetrable fortress. “I’ll go back now. I didn’t mean to interrupt, or anything.”

“That’s okay,” Adela found herself saying, and meaning. The fact that he had noticed that his trespass had been unwelcome had lightened her opinion of him, and she couldn’t deny that there was something disarming about his unassuming posture.

“It’s just,” he began, “I thought I’d go explore the beach, but it turned out to be a bit more… adventurous than I expected.”

Adela smiled as she stood up, and said, “Welcome to Solar Cove, then. I’m guessing you aren’t from around here?”

She could tell that he was impressed about her ability to talk normally whilst walking, entirely sure-footed, across the wet rock onto the sand. He inclined his head ever so slightly before answering, “No, the Gold Coast. I’m just here visiting family.”

Adela didn’t really need to ask to know that he wasn’t a local. His sun-lightened hair and softly tanned skin hinted at being from a climate that was sunny for a greater percentage of the year than Solar Cove’s week or two in the middle of summer. Having inherited her mother’s fair, sunburn-prone skin, the lack of sunshine didn’t particularly bother Adela, even though her classmates’ jokes about the town’s oxymoronic name grew old very quickly.

“Well, Solar Cove is slightly different to Surfer’s Paradise,” she said.

“Just a bit,” he smiled, “I’m Todd, by the way.”

“Adela,” she replied.

Todd looked around slowly, and Adela noticed that his gaze rested for a long moment on the horizon, a wistful expression on his face. She wondered if this was how she looked, when she looked out to the ocean. A blend of joy and longing was written so clearly on his face that when he looked back to Adela, she felt like she had just witnessed something very personal.

“This place is beautiful,” he said quietly, his voice so soft that Adela could only just make out the words.

“Yes, it is,” she replied. From the blank look her shot her, she realised that Todd’s statement wasn’t meant for her. It was a thought that had been so large that it had escaped his mind to be accidentally uttered aloud, “I love it here. It’s my favourite place in the world.”

“The beaches aren’t like this at home,” Todd said, “This seems wilder, less, I don’t know, perfect. That’s not quite the right word, but do you get what I mean?”

“Yes,” Adela nodded, “My dad and I had a holiday on the Gold Coast once. We went to the beach at Surfer’s Paradise. The sand was squeaky.”

A short burst of beautiful, unguarded laughter escaped from Todd’s lips, seemingly of its own accord, “Really? I live about twenty minutes from there, and I can’t say I’ve ever noticed that.”

“It weirded me out so much,” Adela continued, “I’ve lived by the beach my entire life, so I was used to sand, you know, and this just felt wrong.”

“I went to a beach with black sand once, overseas. That was strange, but also kind of nice. And then, in England, the beaches had pebbles. That was unsettling.”

Adela was about to respond when she glanced at her watch. She swore as she realised that she only had ten minutes to make the fifteen minute walk to school. “Sorry, Todd, I’ve got to go. Um, I’ll be late to school, but it was really nice to meet you.”

“You too,” he smiled, gracious but forlorn.

As she dusted the sand off her feet and pulled her socks on, Adela said, trying to sound noncommittal, “I liked talking to you. Maybe we could meet up again sometime?”

“I’d really like that,”

“Awesome,” she grinned, buckling her shoe and standing up, “How about I meet you outside the fish and chip shop. It’s on the main street. You can’t miss it.”

“Sounds good. Four o’clock?” Todd asked hopefully.

“See you then,” Adela replied, and with a last smile in Todd’s direction, walked into the trees, and back to normal life, which now felt painted brighter by the hint of possibility.


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Sat Feb 15, 2014 7:36 pm
GoldFlame says...



Everyone stole all my nitpicks and praise. I guess that I'll just have to repeat them:

You truly have a handle on storytelling. Perfect pace, dazzling descriptions, flawless flow (I see someone's already used that), and...just have to say, you're in possession of a vast vocabulary. Wow. Alliteration's more difficult than it sounds.

The exposition is also developing nicely. To be honest, I enjoyed this more than Chapter 2. Not much more, but the beginning was...beautiful. Just the whole second paragraph...

I'm not rating this a review, because it was absolutely no help at all. Just want to say, you have amazing talent, and if you ever abandon this novella, I'm going to track you down.

Keep up the good work!




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you very much!



GoldFlame says...


Oh, no problem! My real review was on Chapter 2 :P.



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Wed Feb 05, 2014 9:10 pm



as much as i want to be like the poeple below me, i have no advice for you. this chapter was flawless in my opinion. with that said, i demand i chapter two! i cant wait for it, i know you will b e in the top five one day. go get that fourth star!




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you so much! You're very kind. :-)



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Sun Jan 26, 2014 3:13 pm
GreenTulip wrote a review...



Okay, GreenTulip is here to give you a review. If I can give you some advice on somethings, I will be doing so. You don't have to take the advice, but I am going to offer it to you anyways.

1. Separate some paragraphs into smaller separate paragraphs.
Example:

a) “See you then,” Adela replied, and with a last smile in Todd’s direction, walked into the trees, and back to normal life, which now felt painted brighter by the hint of possibility.


Example 'a' can be rewritten as Example 'b'
b) "See you then," Adela replied.
She walked into the trees, with one last smile in Todd's direction, back to normal life. It now felt painted brighter by the hint of possibility.


2. Make sure dialogue is always separate from the narrative.




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you



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Fri Jan 10, 2014 3:12 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey doll. Here as requested!

The sky was clear and the water still on the Tuesday morning when Adela made her way to where she liked to sit on one of the rocks that jutted out into the surf.


It might just be me, but this sentence is structured funny, primarily around the bolded part. I would consider breaking that sentence into a. two parts, b. using a colon, or c. rewriting it altogether so it doesn't have that choppy feel when saying it aloud.

As always, she placed her old plastic raincoat between herself and the rock, to prevent her school dress from being soaked through. Every few seconds, her face would be splashed by the lapping water,


Okay, so these two sentences contradict each other. You say she sits on the raincoat to avoid getting wet, yet she doesn't mind the waves splattering her face with drops? Yet, as we all know, when splashed, you get wet everywhere.. so you can't ignore the fact that the front of her shirt, her hair, all of her is being splashed as her face is being splashed.

Nothing noteworthy had happened to her, exams were ages away and she didn’t have a crush on anyone.


Replace that comma with a semicolon.


Okay, so you're off to a great start! You've got some nice metaphors going, darling. I just love the word play you're doing, with the beach and the serenity Adela feels and just Solar Cove in general. It sounds beautiful and I really enjoyed the way you used your words to bring the imagery to life.

I think one of my favorite things about this piece was that you have Adela searching for something, and how you have her want. It makes me curious to know what it is she's looking for and how she'll find it.

You've got a great overall plot, and I like how you show us some of Adela's personality. She's someone we can relate to, and you do a good job of not revealing her too quickly. I also like how you have her warm up to Todd, in a non-stereotypical and cliche way, where we automatically would have guessed, "Oh, of course she's an antisocial person and off the bat she likes this guy she doesn't even know."

I also really like Todd, even though you haven't given much about him. I look forward to reading more about him and Adela and please let me know when the next chapter is up. :)




TriSARAHtops says...


Thanks heaps! :-) I'll let you know when Chapter2 is up.
Just on the raincoat bit, I added it on later because I realised it might be a little odd if she was wandering round with a wet patchon he back of her dress. I just slotted it in, and only see the contradiction now...



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Tue Jan 07, 2014 3:44 am
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cha3739 wrote a review...



Hi, Tri :)

First of all, let's start with the negatives.

-I didn't like how quickly Adela asked Todd to meet up with her. I think that transition from strangers to friends could've gone smoother if there was a little more time in between the initial meeting and the next; maybe an exchanging of phone numbers or another chance encounter.

That's it. That's literally the only thing that bothered me in this whole piece, and it's not even that bad, it's just my personal preference. So now, for the positives.

-Your descriptions were incredible and I felt like I was right there with Adela on that beach. I'm sure you know that as a writer, we have to show instead of tell, and you did just that. I can feel how much Adela loves the beach instead of you just telling me.
-The interaction between Adela and Todd is natural (up until the whole 'let's meet up' thing, but that's just me again) and I'm so ready to see how that develops.
-The whole piece has a kind of soft, mystical vibe and whether that's what you were aiming for or not, it works for it.
-You have great sentence structure and word choice.

Well, that's all I have for you. This is wonderfully written and I'm ready to read more. :)




TriSARAHtops says...


Thanks! I was a little worried that someone might find Adela's asking Todd a bit soon, but it needed to happen to progress the story... I didn't want to fall into the insta-love trap, but didn't want it to drag along, you know? Might see what I can do with it.
Thanks again, and glad you like it. Chapter 2 is in the works.



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Tue Jan 07, 2014 3:44 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Sarah!

Despite not having too much too comment on or improve with this piece, I still felt I had to do a quick review. And mainly hand out some praise.

First off I really enjoy the fact that this is the beginning of a novella, rather than a novel. Most single works on this site is short stories, while serial works are parts of novels that never reach a conclusion. Your story is one I might be able to read from start to finish and get a satisfying end.

As a novella, this is a decent length for a first chapter, or at least for a first posting. Most chapters I read here are far below any standard. This is still far from it, but it's definately closer to home.

What I loved about this chapter is that you managed to create a lot of interesting writing based around a relatively short scene. This is how to write properly. We are creating worlds, we need to explain it.

And so far, you explain yours incredibly well. There are so much good description within this piece, all of it well done. There are several descriptions here that are really vivid and paints a great picture of the surroundings as well as the scene.

You write fantastic, with a good, varied vocabulary and create believable characters I can picture. I also found very little grammatical errors. Good!

I'll quickly go over the few things I found:

Edit

There are the obvious; the tangible, such as fish, sharks and seaweed.


For the asylum seeker

I'm not sure what you mean by this.

the sprawling blue horizon.

I'd use another verb here.

She could tell that he was impressed about her ability to talk normally whilst walking, entirely sure-footed, across the wet rock onto the sand.
To be honest, this doesn't sound all too impressive. This guy must be easily impressed.

Edit
From the blank look he shot her


Suggestion
A short burst of beautiful, unguarded laughter escaped from Todd’s throat
When you use 'burst', I would say throat rather than lips. It's more guttural.

walked into the trees

Very small nitpick, but as I read this I first thought she stumbled into a tree. Cute.
Maybe; walked through the trees?

And that's it for your 1st chapter. This was really great writing!
As I said, I'll be keeping up with this one and hope for an end somewhere down the line. I guess I'm waiting for romance now, then eventual heartbreak.

Keep it up!

Cheers
Birkhoff




TriSARAHtops says...


Thanks for the feedback - I'll try to incorporate your advice into the edits. Glad you liked it! :-)



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Tue Jan 07, 2014 3:17 am
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Vincente wrote a review...



Wow, that was very beautiful. Even though it's part of a novel, I actually think this chapter would make an excellent short story.

The atmosphere is perfect, the flow is flawless... there's really nothing for me to complain about. I did find a couple little typos:

From the blank look her shot her


I think you meant to write "he" instead of the first "her."

“I’d really like that,”


The comma should be a period.

And lastly:

“How about I meet you outside the fish and chip shop."


I think there should be a question mark at the end of that.

Anyway, this is a really really amazing piece. Keep writing!




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you!



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Tue Jan 07, 2014 2:48 am
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comrie wrote a review...



Wow, I have to say that I love just about everything about your writing, which is something I didn't expect. I felt it more than read it. Do you know what I mean? (And did that sentence make any sense?) I'm personally a big fan of description, especially when it comes to... well, atmosphere. Emotions. Passions. In Adela's case, it was her passion of the sea. I feel like you described it beautifully and it kind of makes me wish I lived closer to the ocean.

I loved several lines. But these have to be my favorites:

. Some people found solace in the company of others. Some found it in religion. Some found it through working. Adela found hers in the sea.


It really showed how important the water is to Adela. How prominent it is in her life. Like, you didn't tell us about Adela's love for the sea; you showed us. Through beautiful description. And that is awesome.

Todd looks like he's an interesting guy. It's only chapter one and we don't really know him - as much as Adela. I hope we can get to know him in later chapters!

I couldn't find any errors in grammar. So you're good there. I think you only had a few problems in punctuation, specifically when people are speaking.

Like, for example:

“Just a bit,” he smiled, “I’m Todd, by the way.”


Todd is smiling while saying, "Just a bit" and "I'm Todd . . ." but there should be a period there instead of a comma. I don't really know how to explain it. Just that whenever someone's speaking and you don't actively say something like "he/she said," you treat it as a normal sentence. Without the commas. Still not sure if even that makes sense, but I can show you what I mean in my suggested revisions and hopefully you can see what I mean.

I would revise it as: "Just a bit." He smiled. "I'm Todd, by the way." or maybe [i] "Just a bit," he said, smiling. "I'm Todd, by the way."

Do you notice a difference? I hope you do. If you don't, I can try to clarify even further. There were a few sentences like this. Like the one where it's like: "You too," he smiled, gracious but forlorn" and "Yes," Adela nodded, "My dad and..." Just ask me if you don't understand. I'll try to better explain!

But other than punctuation errors like that, I couldn't find anything. That may or may not be a good thing, haha. But yeah. I really, really liked this and can't wait for chapter two!

-Comrie

PS. TEACH ME YOUR SKILLS.

PSS. I'm kidding. (No, I'm not.)




TriSARAHtops says...


:-) Thanks! They're helpful pointers and they do make sense! Glad to hear you liked it.



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Tue Jan 07, 2014 1:09 am
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Laure wrote a review...



Oh, this is so good! You have created very realistic characters and a beautiful description of the sea. This drew me because the writing was magnificent, and I don't usually review on novels unless it is very very good.

But I feel a great novel springing from this chapter, I love how you have described the sea at the start of the novel and the connection with Adela and the sea. I get exactly what you mean!

This is really amazing! Keep me posted for further chapters!

-Laure




TriSARAHtops says...


Thank you! That means a lot to hear! Chapter 2 should be along soonish (I hope) :-)



Laure says...


Yay! :)




If you have a Kuzco in your life and they don't turn into a llama, bail.
— Alan SeaWright