Young Writers Society

Aww, this was sad. I'm getting a black moor for my birthday this weekend, they are such cute little things, what did you name yours? I'm really sorry it died and I'm sure it wasn't your fault. This poem was packed with emotion, sadness and life. It was so amazingly written with lines as capturing as your wording. It pulled at my heart strings and left me feeling sad. It's amazing you can ease such emotions in to your readers so easily with words. Your talent is amazingly strong and so clever. I want to read more.

Hey, sorry it's been so long, I totally forgot that you asked me to do this.

Ok, so it's alright, I see where you're going with this. You have some good technique, but it could always use refinement. First, let's talk about line breaks. Where you break the lines has a very big effect on the whole poem. At their most basic, you can talk about line breaks in terms of being hard or soft, and dynamic or static. Basically, a soft break is one that occurs after a punctuation mark or a noun (i.e. most of the breaks in this poem), and a hard break is one that occurs after anything else, usually verbs, adverbs, or adjectives. Dynamic breaks are breaks that affect the line immediately following, usually occurring after adverbs or verbs, and static breaks are breaks that do not, usually occurring after particles and conjunctions. Basically, hard and dynamic breaks serve to increase pacing, and soft and static breaks decrease pacing. The harder and/or more dynamic a break, the more it increases pacing, and vice versa for the softer/more static. The really good poets know when a certain type of break would be best, and knowing that takes practice and experience. But a good rule of thumb is start with soft breaks, put in more hard breaks in the middle, then go back to soft in the last quarter or so. Also, unless you really know what you're doing, avoid really static breaks (e.g. breaking after 'a' 'it' 'from' 'an' etc.). This poem is all soft breaks. While it's readable enough, it makes it sort of boring. There's nothing driving it, nothing making me hungry for the next line. You know what I'm saying? Try mixing things up a bit.

Ok, the second thing I want to talk about is imagery (wouldn't be a poetry review without it). What you have goes ok, but it could be better. What you need is development. Don't just drop an image and move on, really take the time to flesh it out. Like here:

From there, I gazed through a haze of glass
As wisps of orange flower fell upon
A forest of rosy hues
While columns of light streamed down from above
Spinning a story of silver moths and frosty beams

This really is rather beautiful, and the dedication at the beginning is really nice. I think what I liked most was the phrasing, it was almost song-like, and very melodious.
I find it rather hard to understand, but I didn't let that get in the way of my enjoyment. Perhaps a footnote explaining bits of it for some of your stupider readers. (Me)
I liked the last line, it has a sort of finality to it, and they seem like two words that both make the reader picture beauty, so the work really well together.
Keep up the good work,
Take That You Fiend!
(For review requests see "The Poetry Person" in "Will review for food.)

Wow! I really like this. It's very deep and well-written. Also, I'm really sorry about your moor. I hope that this review helps you feel better.
First, just to let you know, did you mean "croons" in the first line, instead of "coons"? I wasn't sure about that.
The strongest verse is probably the last one, it really sums up the poem and has a really strong feeling to it. However, the rhyme scheme throughout the poem is very sporadic, and I'm not sure what you were trying to do with it. Maybe solidifying the rhyme scheme might help me get more into the poem?
Lastly, why is that second paragraph italicized? I wasn't sure.
Otherwise, this poem has a lot of good potential! Your imagery is magnificent. Thank you so much for writing!