Sharp blades of wind punctured my naked arms like tiny needles, invading my veins with syringes of icy wind. Despite the gentle golden warmth that fluttered in my heart at tonight’s event, I shivered violently, feeling hills of goose bump raising up on new spring seeds.
‘Is worth it’ I chanted to myself silently, gritting my teeth against the cold as I made my way across the road. Tonight, where everything would come full circle, tonight, the night when he’d finally fulfil a promise made in bygone times.
How disquieting it is, how everything merges into that Sirius just of one, tiny little word. Shouldn’t we be more cautious?
The large, double-storey white house was surprisingly hot and sultry in the chill. Of course, the fact that it was packed with teenagers gyrating against each other, loud, cheap punk music blasting through the walls like a volcano erupting. Wrinkling my nose in disgust, I stumbled through the myriad of people and into the empty backyard. Our meeting point.
For the first five minutes, I waited with the gentle golden warmth still glowing inside my chest like a balloon. He will come, won’t he?
Then ten minute arrived with the solitude of an icicle, suspending in mid-air. The warmth leeched from me like needles drawing blood….
I’m bleeding
I’m bleeding
Who knew waiting could be a heartbroken promise, a heartbroken handshake that shook me like a limp doll and left me on the hard, cold ground.
The hour arrived with the dull, hollowed cold of an abandoned room.
He never came.
And it was then; I felt the first chill of winter as heaven emptied out its freezer, engraving a broken snowflake that scarred my heart.
Utopia here.
Once you start reading this, you can't stop! Your description's are amazing, I really felt like I was the character. The story was short yet so satisfying that we didn't even need to know about the character or who the person she was going to meet is! This is an amazing piece for such a short story. I absolutely loved it! I did find one or two mistakes but they are all mentioned below.
This is Utopia, signing out.
Hey Laure, bee here for the Cobalt Critiquers!
This is so engrossing, from the title till the end. It has a very catchy title and I love how you didn't deviate from the theme of the title, or rather my percieved theme.
You described different aspects of a 'pained' love and I enjoyed that.
Now to your structure, which was very apprioprately arranged. The italics where it should be and the spaces intact.
All together, I found nothing incriminating, great job!
Hello.
I enjoyed reading this.
As Timmyjake says, 'Is worth it' should be 'It's worth it'. Also you wrote 'Then ten minute'. I think you meant 'Then the minute', am I right?
I think this could have great potential to become a longer piece of writing. Maybe you could describe the character a bit more.
Overall, I like this piece of writing and I think you have described everything really well.
Timmyjake to give you a review!
As Sophie said, this story has such beautiful and vivid metaphors. I can see exactly what is going on, and I can feel what your character is feeling! Its cold! 
I have a few nitpicks, mostly just with punctuation and spelling. I'll point them out real quick.
‘Is worth it’ I chanted to myself silently
fulfil a promise made in bygone times. --The fulfil should be fulfill
Of course, the fact that it was packed with teenagers gyrating against each other, loud, cheap punk music blasting through the walls like a volcano erupting. --- Its like you start to say something, and then stop.... Fact is what?
This was a beautiful piece... And my nitpicks were small, almost unrecognizable... Keep going! This was awesome!!Hello!
I really liked your short story so thought I'd give you a qucik review.
You are really talented when it comes to comaprsions and metaphors, thus the first lines were my favourite by far: ,,Sharp blades of wind punctured my naked arms like tiny needles, invading my veins with syringes of icy wind. Despite the gentle golden warmth that fluttered in my heart at tonight’s event, I shivered violently, feeling hills of goose bump raising up on new spring seeds.'' Obviously it leaves the reader, wanting to know more, what exactly is going to happen? Yet you leave the matter rather misterious.. why didn't he come? Again you finish your story with beautiful,beautiful metaphors ,,The hour arrived with the dull, hollowed cold of an abandoned room.'' I think it's a great way to keep your skills at discribing and painting a picture in the readers mind making him wanting to read more and more! Maybe you could lengthen this into a novel?
Keep up the excellent work,
-Sophiewrites.
120,220 Literary Works • 649,156 Reviews
Points: 1198
Reviews: 36
Donate