z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

You Remember- Part 2 of 4

by Rook


What you wrote and a boat

Amy and I were pouring over your story, marveling about how accurate you had been. Then I realized our lives were following your story and not the other way around. It was as if you were writing our fates, our destinies. I finally got to the passage you had told us about.

If you are reading this, I have been proven wrong and there is magic in the world. I don’t know this yet, so I plunge ahead.

Amy and I read the story in horror as we imagined what you had written. First was the part about you turning into a dog. Simple. But as the story progressed, it was easier to see that you were throwing down whatever came into your head. The next thing you wrote was that the sky would turn green and the grass would turn blue. That hadn’t happened yet, but I went over to the window to check, just to make sure. The grass was green, the sky was blue.

After the color changes, all the trees were supposed to turn into rubber.

Then the streets would become rivers, and all the cars, boats.

Anyone touching a piece of technology that was electric would become frogs.

All schools would close indefinitely.

Aliens would abduct anyone who stood still on the street for longer than five minutes.

A dinosaur from the museum would come to life and smash buildings.

An asteroid would come down, and the other half of the world would disintegrate.

Insects would become killing machines built to destroy anything and everything in their path.

And so on and so on, until there would be nothing left in the world except for one hospital.

The one that you got your cast in.

Apparently you liked that hospital.

“We can’t let this happen,” I told you and Amy. “How do we stop it?” Amy shrugged and you shook your canine head. Suddenly, the light in the room began to change. I ran to the window. The sky was green. The grass was blue.

Oh.

No.

Why, why, did you write this? We ran outside, wondering what was next. Rubber trees, no big deal right? Wrong. After a while of walking aimlessly around for quite a while, I noticed them.

The trees.

Bending.

Cars, which I knew would soon be boats, started screeching to avoid the trees leaning on the street. We saw angry drivers yell at them, to no avail. If the situation hadn’t been so serious, it would have been comical. I saw crashes. You saw them too. We all wanted to look away, but we couldn’t. That was the price we must pay.

Dog expressions are so hard to read, but I was sure you were full of despair. I leaned down to your height and said, “I forgive you. Don’t hold it against yourself.” You just wagged your tail sadly. You understood. I wanted to pet your fuzzy head, but I refrained; you had been through a lot lately.

We continued our walk down the street. What was next? Oh yeah. Streets will become rivers and cars, boats. Great. As if reading my thoughts, you barked and started loping down the street. We had no choice but to follow you. If one good thing came from you turning into a dog, it was that your leg had healed, and you could run again. Do you remember? You ran down Main Street, scampered down Landon Road and dashed onto Cornyard. You turned stopped in front of a store I had never noticed before, and started whining. I looked at the name of the store: ‘Nautical Logic.’ You had found us a boating store. Good dog.

We waltzed in, trying to look nonchalant. I only had seventeen dollars and twenty-six cents with me, You had nothing, you were a dog, and Amy had twelve dollars and seventy-five cents. We had thirty dollars and one penny to buy a boat with. We walked up to the teenager manning the cash register.

“Umm… We’d like to buy a boat, please,” said Amy, looking uncomfortable.

“You’ll have to speak with my manager,” he said with a valley-girl-like drawl, “I don’t think minors are allowed to buy boats.”

He went into the back room. It felt like we stood there for fifteen minutes before the ‘manager’ came out. The manager was this impossibly old man; he was completely bald, unless you count ear hair. Remember that? He had an inch of gray hair sprouting from his ears. He walked with a cane that looked as old as he was. It was one of those old wooden ones. He looked at us, his eyes magnified by his unbelievably large horn-rimmed glasses.

“Who are you?” he asked. His voice was strangely smooth and un-elderly-like. It had the slightest hint of an Italian accent, but he sounded weary.

“We are three children trying to buy a cheap, good quality boat,” said Amy with false confidence.

“Strange, because I see two children and a mangy mutt. But I could be wrong. My eyesight is failing,” he responded after a pause. The old man smiled.

“Yes, that’s what she meant,” I said. “Can we buy a boat or not?”

“How much do you got?”

“We have thirty dollars and one penny. Will that buy a kayak?”

He sucked his teeth. “Kayaks are more around the three hundred dollar range.”

“Oh. What boat can we get for thirty dollars?”

“Over here.” He stepped out from behind the desk and walked over to a small table where an ornate ship in a bottle was displayed. “This is the only boat in here that’s worth thirty bucks, and it’s not for sale.” He guffawed loudly.

Then he stopped, as if troubled. “Wait a second. Two kids and a dog, come in asking for a boat with their pocket money…” He stomped over to the window in the front of the store. “Uh-oh. Green sky, blue grass,” he looked harder, craning his neck, “rubber trees. Not good.” He turned back to us.

“My guess is that you kids are in an unusual bit of trouble now. I always find myself wishing I could go back and erase my mistakes when I’m in trouble. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. Tell you what kids, I’ll give you this boat on the house. I think I might have a lot of business for a short time because of you,” he said, looking grim. He led us over to a large canoe that looked wide enough that I wouldn’t feel too novice to ride in it. I wondered if you would be able to ride it, being dog-like and all.

“Perfect,” I said, “We’ll never be able to repay you.”

“I must do my duty to this town’s citizens. Now take it. Take it and go.” He sounded like a brazen warrior.

We took the boat. He helped us bring it outside, remember? That old man sure was strong for one who had to use a cane. Once we got it on the sidewalk outside, he went back inside, mumbling about prune juice.

I realized we had nowhere to put the boat. The river streets hadn’t started yet, so we sat in the boat, pretending to advertise the boat shop. Amy and I yelled, “Nautical Logic! Your one stop shop for boating needs!” and you even threw in a friendly bark here and there while wagging your tail.

We were there for a while. When the sun had gone almost completely down, I got out of the boat and started pacing. My parents would be wondering where I was. Remember what happened when I wasn’t back by curfew that one time? My parents called the cops! They didn’t know about the bad traffic on the highway. I didn’t know how we were going to save the day by nine thirty.

My foot hit a puddle. I wasn’t expecting it. I looked down and saw that my suspicion was correct. There was a trickle of water on the sidewalk. I ran for you and Amy, already in the boat. I hopped in, flinching at the sound of the bottom of the boat scraping at the cement.

Just then, a car turned into a sailboat. It just happened, in less time than the blink of an eye, it made a strange flapping and sucking sound when it changed, then it was a sailboat. A nice one too. Unfortunately, there was only about an inch of water, not enough to keep a sailboat afloat, so it fell a foot to the sidewalk, then tipped over sideways.

I waited, and slowly but surely, we were inching forward, starting and stopping with a scrape at the pavement. The water level rose, and then we really got going. The wind was whipping at our faces, remember? It was like we were going one hundred miles an hour, even though we probably weren’t going more than six.

Then we got to the hill. I saw the problem right away; our town was shaped like a bowl. We lived in a valley, and all of the water was going to collect and flood in the center. My house was near the center. Amy’s house was near the center.

So much for being home on time; my parents would have other things to worry about. Our boat was going over the hill that led toward the center of town. We couldn’t stop it, so I decided to just let it listen to the whims of the water.

We had left the oars back at the store anyway.

I told Amy to watch the river and try to steer us away from any hazards. I couldn't see a single car on the road. I couldn't see the road. All the cars had turned into boats, and I could hear people shout in surprise, realizing that steering a boat is a bit harder than steering a car.

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the sounds of panicked people. I thought about the crisis that was forthcoming. Just stay away from electrical devices, and we wouldn’t become froggy. Now that I knew how to evade the next "attack," I had time to think. I thought back to what the old man in the shop said. He said something important. What was it?

“My guess is that you kids are in an unusual bit of trouble now. I always find myself wishing I could go back and erase my mistakes when I’m in trouble. Unfortunately, I can’t do that.”

Yes. That’s what he said. Why did that phrase seem so odd to me?

It was so obvious! I feel so dumb when I think back to then, struggling in that little boat.

But regardless of what I might think now, I couldn't figure it out. What I did know was that the old man who managed Nautical Logic knew something about us. Something we didn’t know about ourselves. Maybe even the answer. Another thing I knew was that we had to do something before a zombie dinosaur resurrected from the museum itself decided to go on a rampage and destroy what was left of our town.

My thoughts turned to my family. They were sitting in a flooding house with no idea of what was going on. I couldn’t help thinking that this was all my fault. I was the one who told you to ‘prove the magic wrong’ and I was the one who was supposed to look out for you. We were supposed to have each other’s backs.

What was it my mother said when I was having difficulty? Start at the beginning. Start at the beginning. We must go back. We must go back to the top of the hill. We must go back to your house.

I sat up, not realizing I had been lying down. Turning to you and Amy, I said, “We have to go back. We have to go back to the house.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
384 Reviews


Points: 14918
Reviews: 384

Donate
Wed Jan 29, 2014 2:35 pm
View Likes
eldEr wrote a review...



Whoa. Well, that sucks for them. Way to go, Girl Who Is Now Such (I think girl, anyway. I apologize if I missed them saying her name anywhere- I'll just refer to him/her as "Such", now).

First of all: I liked your boat salesman. He was a pretty swell dude, from the looks of things. I mean, I was a little saddened that his appearance was so brief and that his character was so vague, and never really elaborated on, but hey, I haven't read the whole thing yet! Maybe he comes back! (if he doesn't, I might have a few things to say about him in the last review: fair warning)

And there really isn't much else to critique here. What I said when I reviewed the last part still stands: Imagery is a little stiff and sluggish in places, and dialogue, whereas I think it was better in this piece, for the most part, was still a tiiiiny bit stiff. The only part that I really had a problem with was when your narrator recalled the important part of what the salesman had said to us, but forgot it themselves.

See, I would never have caught on (maybe because I'm dumb) if your narrator had simply stated that there was something important about what the dude had said. But you went right on ahead and told us exactly what that was, and I felt like it revealed too much too fast. I mean, we already know exactly how they have to fix the problem: They have to erase what Such has written! Which is an excellent solution, but I'm a little disappointed that I know it already. Takes away from some of the mystery, which is where half of the appeal is, in my opinion. It just rushed things along a little too quickly.

And it's definitely your piece, so what you say ultimately goes, but personally, I would omit that little bit altogether. Just the part where your narrator recalls the exact dialogue that gives the solution away. I mean, your narrator is still steeping in the mystery of it- I think that we should be doing the same! :)

Other than that little bit, though, this was a very fun read. The plot thickens, and although I stand by that it could've been better if we didn't know the solution/actually had something to wonder about, it was still very good.

Good job, keep writing, and once again, I'm onto the next part!
~Ish




User avatar
170 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 170

Donate
Sun Jan 26, 2014 11:07 am
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey fortis!
The plot thickens eh? I loved this chapter more than the last, it's kind of a silly and crazy short story. My kind of thing XD
I am actually tempted to go get a notebook and try this myself to see what happens! But I don't believe in magic ;)
I just really love how insane this story is! Rubber trees? Sure! Person turning into dog? Normal!
Last chapter I said you had made it quite fast pacing, you have fixed that now and it is now at a good pace.
Only one thing that I found a bit odd, bear in mind I'm no master of the punctuation myself, is that some sentences could be connected; currently some are getting cut of by periods. Not many, but a few.
Overall, loving this story! On to the 3rd!




User avatar
260 Reviews


Points: 15020
Reviews: 260

Donate
Fri Jan 24, 2014 4:24 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Yet again, awesome. The quality of this is absolutely brilliant, and it's a joy to read. The format of this works really well - it almost feels like a separate book, more like a sequel, rather than having a 'chapter'-y feel, if that makes sense.

Everything that worked in Part 1 was just as good here, and it really felt as though the pace was picking up, now that the scene had been set. The action was paced perfectly, and once again, I'm hooked.

I had a few nitpicks:

It was if you were writing our fates, our destinies.

I think you meant 'was as if you were' - forgot the 'as'.

Cars, which I knew would soon be boats, started screeching to avoid the ones leaning on the street. We saw angry drivers yell at them,

When I first read this, it was unclear that you were talking about the trees when you said 'the ones'- it took a couple of re-reads to work it out. Maybe say 'the tree' in there somewhere?

I leaned down to your height and said “I forgive you. Don’t hold it against yourself.”

You're missing the comm after 'said'.

you barked and started loping down the street, do you remember?

The 'do you remember' was a little odd the first time I read it, I thought you were slipping out of the tense, but re-reading it, I understood that the 'You' person was being addressed. The clarity of it's just a little murky here.

“Strange, because I see two children and a mangy mutt. But I could be wrong. My eyesight is failing,” He responded after a pause

The 'he' doesn't need to be capitalised.

Me and Amy yelled, “Nautical Logic!

'Amy and I'.

None of these actually did much to detract from your work, so keep up whatever it is you're doing that makes this story so fantastic. I absolutely loved it!




Rook says...


Thanks for your imput and your watchful eye!
I went through and fixed everything you pointed out.
The next (and last) two parts are up now if you're interested. ^^



User avatar
205 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 205

Donate
Fri Jan 24, 2014 1:49 am
AEChronicle wrote a review...



Better than the first part of the story, but in a different way.

I like that the attitude of the short changes, almost instantly, which makes it interesting. The first part seems a little dramatic and gloomy, this part takes us to a strange world which happens to still be our own, where strange things happen.

You have some fun ideas in here which kept me reading, and I'm still wondering who "you" is, or if it's even important or not. I always love a story that asks questions I can't answer. I almost seems like you're involving the reader and the writer here, at the same time.

Great job, once again. Can't wait to read the next part.

Thank you fortis!




Rook says...


Thanks again for your review and your compliments! One of my goals in writing this was to write a story where the main characters are complexly shrouded in mystery. We don't know their age, we don't know their genders (except for Amy), and everyone has a different idea of who they are. I see these characters one way, and someone else see them another way, and we're both right!
Thanks again!
And the third part should be coming soon, maybe tomorrow.



AEChronicle says...


Sweet, can't wait to read it.



Rook says...


Yup, so the next two parts are up if you're up to reading them. :)




I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest