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Young Writers Society


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Prologue: A Puzzling Victim

by Saichi


A Puzzling Victim: Prologue

I raised my glance to the heavenly light that I couldn’t help but figure was a bit mocking while it hung above numerous others and myself. Flames surrounded the ground surface of which my bare feet stood upon, and every breath seemed continuously to remind me of the first time I had ever experienced the harsh addiction of smoking. Ah yes, I remember the horrific coughing and lightheaded surge that was expressed shortly after I breathed in the toxic drug. I had gasped and coughed for a minute or two. Well, I make the comparison lightly. Hell was far beyond the after effects of a simple drag of cigarette smoke. Unlike the nicotine counterpart, the fires of hell were never-ending, non-escaping and unforgiving. Every gasp felt as if it were filled with poisonous fumes. Your environment was composed of fire that surrounded and burnt your flesh, yet you did not die. Constant torment. This truly was a horrid place that I wouldn’t even wish upon those I absolutely despised in my human life. The cruel part about it was that I couldn’t do anything to change it. No matter how terribly I wanted it to. My fate had been decided. I had been damned to an inescapable darkness. The only things heard in this place were pleasant screams of torture and the bursting sounds of fire that arose from the coal black ground underneath my, and all the other billions of inhabitant’s feet.

A small smirk rose across my cheeks. Yes. I was living it large. If the afterlife counts as living that is. However, now that I think back on my human life, I always did lean more towards loud places and warm weather. Although, normally it was loud music and tolerable heat, here, it was a bit worse. No, terribly worse. I found it rather humorous how similar the afterlife was compared to my own sweet human lifespan, which, living hell seemed to represent both rather admirably.

I chuckled quietly and shook my head. I could strictly remember uttering to myself while I was alive that it couldn’t possibly get any worse. I was terribly wrong. I truly lived a pathetic life, and my afterlife wasn’t living up too much either. I was in constant agony and torment. However, as horribly unlucky my pathetic life and soul was and is, there did seem to be a small light at the end of the tunnel. Well, in a certain tense of course. I’d already passed through that tunnel quite some time ago.

Still, among the yelling and screaming and writhing cries of agony, there was a way out. Not forever, of course. Just for a short while. Turns out that throughout all the different billions of lucky people that managed to arrive in this oven paradise, Satan, the living hell himself, gives a select few the opportunity of returning to the surface, allowing them to leave this fiery furnace. And coincidentally, I had been chosen. Humans refer to us as demons, the workers of Satan that wreak havoc amongst all mankind. To be honest, none of us knew why we were selected. We never questioned the matter. All we knew was that it gave us the ability to leave. Sure, we’d have to cause a few humans to suffer. Yet, I was hoping one might get used to the idea overtime. We weren’t particularly worried about their fate. The humans. At least they still had a fighting chance of escaping this eternal death. Ours, on the other hand, had already been decided. So, why not take the opportunity of getting some fresh air every once in a while? While we still can, I suppose.

I let out a small sigh before I finally turned away from the light that I would never be able to meet. My rugged black wings protruded through the skin on my bare back and spread open wide. That was the difference between the non-selected and I. A few others and myself had been gifted with fowl wings that allowed us to leave willingly. And each and every one of us took them for granted.

A soft and distinct hiss unexpectedly came across my ear as I prepared to ascend: dark, menacing, and leaking with poison.

“Perish…”

I almost instantly recognized this voice. After all, how could one forget the sound of the devil himself?

“I’m afraid…” he paused for a short moment.

“I have something else for you to do this time. “

The words were spoken in a soft whisper as if I were being foolishly tempted to eat the forbidden fruit, a voice that could only lead me towards a path of destruction.

“…..”

I kept silent before I lowered my head to avoid the sight of the slithering monster, my eyes hidden by the bleach blonde hair that drooped over my own forehead. My body tensed and my fists clenched. I’d have to grow use to this. Although, I wasn’t entirely sure I ever could.

“Shall I show you?”

The hissing of the snake dragged out the words as he spoke them, knowing that he was about to get exactly what he wanted.

I nodded in silent approval. As if I truly had a choice.

The feeling of a snake traveled over my shoulders before its tail curled and twisted around my forearm. The body of the slithering demon wrapped around my own self as its tongue hissed in my ear. My mind overflowed with instructions, images, and immediately I understood and agreed.

I heard a sound of amusement and before I could realize that I’d left, my eyes opened, immediately grasping that my body was no longer weighed down by a haunting figure. I found a recognizable light hitting my eyes. They squinted as the moon shone brightly and once again reminded me of where I was. My arms and legs used what little muscle they had left to force my body up and onto my feet before lifting my head and gazing around the dark wooded clearing I’d landed in. My mind was brought back to the task that had been placed upon my shoulders. I remembered the single and most mesmerizing soul I’d have to take. Yet, something was rather suddenly brought to my attention.

“How irritating.” I mumbled before letting out a large groan and running my fingers through my coarse blonde hair.

Despite my instruction, there already seemed to be a troubling matter only a few minutes in. I have no idea where I’ve landed…

I couldn’t help but notice that the scenery was strange and even unclear at times. It appeared to be out of focus, and I was struggling to make out anything at all really. This wasn’t where I thought it was. As far as I could tell, I had not been returned to the surface. Bare trees surrounded me, and the dry grass underneath my feet dug into my skin.

What is this place? I wondered, a bit confused as to what was truly going on. My eyes narrowed a bit as I searched for answers based on the instructions given to me. Yet, a cautious female voice that suddenly echoed from the darkness of the forest interrupted my disordered thoughts. My head turned quickly in surprise and my pale, sky blue eyes landed on a girl that had to be no older than 17. And, despite the sceneries distortion, she was perfectly clear.

“How did you get in here?”

She appeared to be staring at me rather uncertainly and my attention became fully focused on the person standing not to far away. I glanced over her and at that exact moment, I knew. I still had no idea where I was. However, I was placed here for a definite reason. My eyes narrowed and my lips twisted upward as a devilish smirk came across my face.

It was her.

The one soul I was sent to take was standing right in front of me. I recognized her from the images that had been placed in my mind a short time ago. She had long brunette hair that flowed down along her shoulders, and a crown of woven leaves that pinned back any pieces of hair that might have covered her face. She wore a pure white dress, and she had piercing green orbs that continued to stare at me in question.

My devilish grin grew bigger, and I chuckled.

Could it be this easy? I thought to myself.

Here she stood before me, as if she were offering me an invitation. Her soul was within my very grasp already. It was almost disappointing. Boring would be the proper word to describe it.

I drew a few steps forward as I glanced at her once more.

If you’re so ready to d—

My eyes widened as I noticed something I hadn’t before. Something was wrong. I couldn’t see it. Her soul. I couldn’t see a soul laced around her beating heart.

Where was it?! I grew a bit frustrated as I desperately tried to search again and again. I wasn’t deluding myself. No. No matter how many times I looked, it was empty. She was empty.

I tensed as my sapphire gaze glared a bit towards the girl.

“Is something wrong, Perish?” She uttered eerily and my surprised façade left almost instantly. A large and fascinated grin spread across my cheeks as I took in the situation.

Interesting…


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508 Reviews


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Thu Jan 02, 2014 9:51 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

"If the afterlife counts as living that is."

You would do well to add a comma after "living." It helps the reading flow (and I think the "that is" requires one.)

"Which living hell seemed to represent both rather admirably."

Is that supposed to be a question? Or is that a comment on the current situation? This needs a question mark if the first, or rewording if the latter.

"But,as horribly unlucky my pathetic life..."

Minuscule typo. You forgot a space after your comma.

"...doing his ‘dirty-work’ per-say."

The proper spelling of 'per-say' is per se (word of warning: Spellcheck won't like it, but it's right).

"Yet, I was hoping one might get use to the idea overtime."

The comma there jostles the reading flow. Also, the "to the idea overtime" either needs an "of" before "overtime", or else just needs to be reworded. Overtime doesn't convey the same idea as a "once-in-an-afterlife" opportunity to do Satan's dirty-work. The way I read this so far is that going out to collect a soul is a one-time deal. If that's not the case, then perhaps you should make that a little clearer in this paragraph.

"My pure black wings protruded..."

Was the "pure black" intentional for style? The reason this struck me as off was that you'd just finished contrasting where your main character is with where they can't go (Heaven), so having 'purity' in hell struck me as off. Just a thought, and since this is style, it's probably fine.

"Although, I wasn’t entirely sure I ever could."

These commas may just be for style, but I'm reading this and getting knee-jerk off of them. It's up to you, but I'd advise deleting them.

"The hissing of the snake drug out the words"

Proper grammar here would be "dragged out".

"Alright."

Two words, not one: all right.

"...on a hot, summer day I suppose."

I would recommend putting a comma before the "I suppose." It reads better that way.

"Yet, a cautious female voice suddenly spoke from the darkness of the forest."

I feel like you want something like "Suddenly", or "All of a sudden" here. "Yet" is typically used to contrast things, and there's nothing really being contrasted here.

"...uncertainly andmy lips twisted upward..."

Two things. One, you could probably use a comma after uncertainly; and two, you forgot a space between "and" and "my".

"I averted my attention to my rather unfortunate visitor, and scanned over her."

Wait, is there another girl? Or is this the same one? And I thought your main character was the visitor. Why would they think of the other person as a visitor if they don't even know where they are? The "avert" definitely threw me off here. Check the definition, and see if that's really the word you want to use there.

"“What’s wrong? Perish?” She uttered eerily."

I think that first question mark should be a comma. It definitely reads better. And decapitalize the "She."

Hope this helps!




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Thu Jan 02, 2014 7:19 pm
SimplyLayal says...



i really did love this! I love your style in writing, it flowed perfectly throughout the passage.

It's definitely different and unique. I loved how it ended and i would totally want to read more of your work!




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Thu Jan 02, 2014 6:30 pm
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JohnLocke1 wrote a review...



Hello, my friend.

First, allow me to say that I did rather enjoy your story. The premise was enticing and I found myself wanting to read on after your little cliffhanger at the end. Very promising.

Second, a few grammatical things:

Flames surrounded the ground surface of which my bare feet stood upon, and every breath seemed to continuously remind me of the first time I had ever experienced the harsh addiction of smoking.


You have a split infinitive here. Placing adverbs in-between infinitive verbs is often just a simple mistake. Try, "... and every breath seemed to remind me continuously..." or "... and every breath seemed continuously to remind me..." You do not have to do just that. It was only a suggestion.

I found it rather humorous how similar the afterlife was compared to my own sweet human lifespan. Which living hell seemed to represent both rather admirably.


Consider transforming this into one sentence so that the, "Which living hell..." does not seem like a question without a question mark. Perhaps place a comma after lifespan.

I let out a small sigh before I finally turned away from the light that I will never be able to meet.


Change the "will" to "would" to keep your tenses straight.

A soft and distinct hiss unexpectedly came across my ear, right as I was ready to ascend: dark, menacing, and leaking with poison.


This sentence is a bit confusing as you have placed the colon after a part of the sentence unconnected to its purpose, if that makes sense. Try, "A soft and distinct hiss unexpectedly came across my ear: dark, menacing, and leaking with poison. I heard its awful sound just as I prepared to ascend." Don't do what I have written. It was just a very nit-picky suggestion.

“I’m afraid…” he paused for a short moment,


You accidentally placed a comma at the end of the sentence.

The words were spoken in a soft whisper as if I where being foolishly tempted to eat the forbidden fruit, that which I was instructed to refrain entirely from eating, a voice that could only lead me towards a path of destruction.


A small mistake, "... as if I [b] were [b] being foolishly..."

“How irritating..” I mumbled.


Another small mistake. I don't know that was intended to be one period or ellipsis.

Third, stylistic suggestions:

Flames surrounded the ground surface of which my bare feet stood upon, and every breath seemed to continuously remind me of the first time I had ever experienced the harsh addiction of smoking. And, if it couldn’t get any better, the only things heard in this dark place were pleasant screams of torture.


This sentence was confusing to me and didn't seem to flow. Does he mean actually smoking? And why bring it up if you aren't going to explain it? It seemed like a passing thought and didn't really make sense to me. These are, however, opinions. I would clear up these sentences and add a bit more detail to this Hell. And, perhaps explain what he is doing in Hell. As in action. Is he being tortured as well? What is happening?

The words were spoken in a soft whisper as if I where being foolishly tempted to eat the forbidden fruit, that which I was instructed to refrain entirely from eating, a voice that could only lead me towards a path of destruction.


Do you mean the actual forbidden fruit? If you do, I would remove the part about being "instructed" not to eat it. Simply to avoid confusion.

Other than that, I really do not have any large, stylistic suggestions.

Fourth, some thoughts about plot.

You really gave no substantial detail about Hell, which hindered my reading because it all seemed so confusing. What did he do to go to Hell? Is he being tortured? How does he know that Satan has this arrangement with a "select few"? Why are the "select few" selected? Why is he chosen? All of these questions do not need to be addressed, but I feel as though some of them do. Hell is just another world that is different from writer to writer. However, it is a world nonetheless. If you are the one creating it, make it fantastic. Allow us to feel it. Allow us to fear it. As it is now, it just sounds noisy and mildly hot. In summary, clear up Hell and your protagonist's relationship to it.

And I was going to say something about how quickly he found his soul, but your cliff hanger made up for it.

That was the only thing I really had to say about plot. Your ending was a fantastic cliffhanger. I was like, "...What? Oh... oh.... oh... what!" Which is what you want.

Fifth, some thoughts about character.

Your protagonist did not speak or think enough in this chapter. The first chapter, you must give your reader someone to look forward to following or have an interesting enough plot for them to continue reading. If you just left it as it is, with the interesting plot, it would be fine. But I know you are more than "fine." So, give your protagonist life and allow the reader to see what he thinks of the world around him. Characters are born from insight and thoughts. He seemed very unfazed by everything, which leads to boring characters. Make him realistic and fantastic, as he almost is.

Overall, you have a very promising start. I love reading about demons, angels and all of that, so I am extremely excited to see where this goes. Building your world clearly, construct wonderful, real characters and finish this amazing story. Please, keep me posted about this one. And forgive me for the long review. Usually I only do this kind of thing if it is requested, but your story truly impressed me. Happy Writing!




Saichi says...


Wow! Might I say that this was truly an excellent review! You made some wonderful points that will truly help me to edit and revise this prologue to the story that I plan on getting into. I can't thank you enough for taking your time to help me with these things. ^^ I still have A LOT to figure out as to where I'm headed with this. But, I will most definitely work on it, and dig deeper. I will keep you posted! Thank you for expressing your interest in my story! It encourages me to keep writing! c:




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— Liminality