z

Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

At the playground. Short story

by EmilieHaugaard


At the playground.

A boy and a girl met at the playground, worn down. Their meeting point was a swing set, they sat down on seats made of wood half-rotten, hold up by rusty chains. For a long time they said nothing to each other. The swing set was the only that spoke, squeaking like it was tired of life, as the boy pushed himself back and forth in stiff motions.

The girl took out a pocket mirror from a room in her winter coat. She examined her reflection, noted the vaguely yellow teeth. Other than that she looked okay, maybe even good. She tried not thinking about the pale skin, with large areas of acne underneath the thick layer of foundation. She was trying to cover a spot by gently smudging the make-up when the boy spoke: “You’re so obsessed with yourself”, he said looking at the mirror with annoyance. “Jeez, woman, you’re not even that good-looking.”

“I look better than you”, she answered swiftly in a sharp tone, though she knew it wasn’t true. His big brown eyes, short dark hair, soft skin and the dimples, made him the cutest boy in school. The only thing not perfect about this boy was the bruise he had around his left eye, but that didn’t really make him look any less attractive, it just made him look tougher. Normally she would even think a flaw like that was kind of sexy, but she had a feeling of what the backstory to the bruise could be, and she felt nothing but compassion towards the boy.

She closed up the pocket mirror and slid it back into the pocket. She then fished out a cigarette and a lighter from the same room of the coat. Her fingers shook in the cold as she lit up the smoke. “What did you get yourself into now?” She nodded towards his eye.

“Nothing” he hissed. “Just some idiot who thought he could take me.” The girl looked down at her feet, thought about what to say for a second, then her words came out almost as a whisper: “Your father?”

He didn’t answer just stared at her, his eyes glistening. He then broke the eye contact, pushed his hands against his temples and looked down at the ground. “I don’t feel like talking about it.” She didn’t feel like talking about it either, so she just moved up in front of him, and kissed him.

She then stopped, and wrapped her arms around him, but he pulled away, denying her hug. She felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment, but then just shook her head. “Fine” she said and turned her back to the boy and the swing set and headed for the gate in the decayed wooden fence that surrounded the playground.

“Don’t leave”, the boy's rough voice sounded behind her.

And she couldn’t leave. She walked back and sat down on the rotten seat of the swing, and like before they didn’t speak to each other. They kept sitting at the swing set, listening to the squeaking of the chains.


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Random avatar

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Thu Jan 02, 2014 2:01 am
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.

WOW, this is a really good piece. It's short, but I like that. Kind of has a certain air of mystery, or at least uncertainty, surrounding it that allows the reader to fill in the gaps. The overall plot is realistic, as are the characters (though we know little of them). All in all, great work.

My one critique would be to work on paragraph breaks. Whenever a character finishes their dialogue, put in a break rather than going right to the next character's words. For example:

“You’re so obsessed with yourself”, he said looking at the mirror with annoyance. “Jeez, woman, you’re not even that good-looking.” “I look better than you”, she answered swiftly.


Should be:

"You're so obsessed with yourself," he said, looking at the mirror with annoyance. "Jeez, woman, you're not even that good-looking."

"I look better than you," she answered swiftly.

Also:

“What did you get yourself into now?” She nodded towards his eye. “Nothing” he hissed.


Just go back and add more paragraph breaks to sections like these, and you're good.

Other than that, I can't find anything wrong with this. I love the boy's personality, at first gruff and uncaring, then almost vulnerable toward the end. And the girl, full of uncertainty and worries about her appearance. Both are frighteningly realistic.

Awesome job! ;)






Thank you for the review :D



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146 Reviews


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Wed Jan 01, 2014 8:25 pm
MooCowPoop wrote a review...



This story is a little gem. It's very subtle and sweet yet exposes some dark things about the characters. For instance, the girl is said to have cared about her appearance, but then it could also be read that she has low self esteem. The boy has a bruise under his eye that can be seen as him looking tough because he fought but hurt inside because it's suggested that he was beat by his father. I like that about this story.

It was a little strange for me to accept that the two characters were somewhat in a relationship with each other. At first, the swing set part gave it away that there was some romance but going on, but the tone in their voices and their actions then made me think otherwise. It was sad and strange when the girl tried kissing the guy but I guess it makes sense if they have some sort of love/hate relationship going on.

Question: why does he have a "rough voice" and what does a rough voice sound like? I was curious about that. If he has a rough voice, then what's the girl's voice sound like?

You ended this story well with the loop back to the silence save for the sound of the swingsets. That was cool. Like I said before, this story is very short, but sweet. Good job.






Thank you for the review!:) I'm not quite sure about the "rough voice" actually, I wrote it in there because I couldn't come up with anything better, haha:)



MooCowPoop says...


OK!



MooCowPoop says...


OK!



MooCowPoop says...


OK! :-)



MooCowPoop says...


Oops, sorry





Haha, it's okay :D



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Wed Jan 01, 2014 6:04 pm
ConverseFireGirl wrote a review...



This is a good short story which intrigues the reader, when I first started reading, I kinda forgot I was reading and just was sort of... absorbed into the story. :D Great job!
This does need some editing to make it perfect though! :D
First of all, this needs to paragraphs, some spaces and new lines. This is basically to present it nicely so at first glance, the reader is like: "This, I need to read."
A quick little error to correct too..:
"“Don’t leave”, the boys rough voice"
Should be:
"“Don’t leave”, the boy's rough voice"
As the rough voice belongs to the boy. :)

Right! Onto the actual WRITING! :D
This is nice. A really nice story which I found great. The girl and the boy are very interesting characters.
Your descriptions are good, and I really like:
"“Fine” she said and turned her back to the boy and the swing set and headed for the gate in the decayed wooden fence that surrounded the playground."
I like it mainly because you've almost made it seem like the "decayed wooden fence" represents badness and no hope, where as:
"the boy and the swing set"
Represent hope and possible happiness, where she is moving away from.
That's the way I read it anyway... xD

Another thing I like it also how you've not mentioned names, it almost makes them more real, how they don't know each other and we don't know them either. :)
Great writing, it's got quite a sad atmosphere, which is really effective, with a glint of hope at the end. I'm following you after this! :D
-CFG






Thank you for the review :D



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Points: 2966
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Wed Jan 01, 2014 6:02 pm
Bugslake wrote a review...



The first thin this needs is paragraphs. Little places where it breaks when the subject changes or a person talks. I think that that's the main reason that no one has reviewed it yet. And during the first part of the swings making noise, you're missing an 's' so that it will be 'swings were the only that spoke' in here you also need the word 'the'. Other than those couple of things this piece is really good.

You feel the sadness between the kids, who I'm going to guess are in middle school. The girl seems the saddest, you can feel how much love she feels for the boy and how she never feels pretty enough for him.

The boys sadness is mostly because his father beats him and this makes the girl want to love him more. This makes the girl kiss the boy, but he doesn't feel the same for her. This hurts the girl even more.

This was an excellent piece and it was kind of cute. If you're planning on making it a novel I'll will read and review it for you. Brilliant work.






Thank you for the review :D


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Bugslake says...


No problem and I see you've fixed it.





Yup:)




Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon