z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Trials of Divinity

by JohnLocke1


In the glorious days of old, the gods of the earth would have met in glittering palaces of breath taking beauty. The earth would have shaken and trembled as they descended from their individual planes of existence in a swath of light and glory. The humans would have been sacrificing sheep by the thousands and praying without rest. The gods would have deliberated their heavenly business with honor and dignity not awarded to anyone but a god. However, now that the world had grown less devoted and less faithful, Ra slipped solemnly into a booth at Dennys. He wore the guise of a middle-aged man with creamy brown skin. He enjoyed looking like his old followers. They were good to him. Ra glanced around him, waiting to feel the reverberations in his current plane that would signal the coming of another god. He wondered how the other gods were. He hadn’t seen any of them since they had all decided to bring the downfall of the Soviet Union. Even gods feared a nuclear holocaust.

As Ra thought of how the Muses had worked tirelessly to inspire both Kennedy and Khrushchev to avert the destruction of the world, a mischievous looking Indian boy seemed to appear out of nowhere in the section of the booth opposite Ra. His skin was darker than that of Ra’s appearance, but it was beautiful nonetheless. Ra could see a small flute sticking out of the young boy’s blue jeans. A smile came across Ra’s face.

“Krishna.” The Sun god extended his hand in welcome.

The Vedic deity grasped Ra’s hand enthusiastically. Ever since Ra had met the youthful god, he had taken an immediate liking to him. No one had the power to resist Krishna’s kind heart. Ra remembered how the humans had flocked to Krishna. His teachings had been legendary. Ra had always respected when a god took the time to teach humans.

“You have many names my friend. But, I think I shall call you Ra. It suits you the best.” Krishna’s smile seemed to light up the small restaurant. While they remained in human form, the god’s powers were kept hidden, but that didn’t stop unsuspecting diners to turn their heads when Krishna flashed his unearthly smile. They were drawn to him.

“Where is Radha?” Ra did not need to look for the goddess. He would have felt her. “Why do you come alone? I know it’s difficult to be without her.”

When Ra mentioned Krishna’s greatest love, the smile faded from his face.

“Vishnu instructed me to come alone. I assume you are alone, as well. Or is Anubis slinking around somewhere I can’t sense him.” Ra felt Krishna’s power swarm the restaurant. He was checking for hidden gods.

“I never send my servants to do work that I should be doing. Does Vishnu have a reason for evading this meeting?” Ra’s eyes narrowed.

“He was concerned for his wellbeing, Ra. There have been rumors about you...” Krishna stopped speaking when the air of power swept through the gods. “Do not mention this to the others. Don’t worry, either. I would never fight against you.”

As Ra began to protest, he saw a group of men heading towards the booth. He had felt them, of course. Ra knew who they were. Peter had come for Him. His guise was that of a young man with fair skin and blond hair. He wore a sharp suit and carried a briefcase, which no doubt contained the names of millions of souls. The Christians were orderly and modern, in stark contrast to the other gods. They still adhered to the old ways. Ra couldn’t imagine seeing Isis wearing a pantsuit. Walking next to Peter, Ra felt the presence of Helios, whom Zeus had sent. When Helios met Ra’s eyes, they gave each other a nod of respect. Beings of the sun often dealt with each other. He had grown to know Helios. In his guise, he was tall, foreboding man with fiery red hair. Ra saw Thor, the favored son of Odin. Amaterasu had sent Susanoo, the god of the stormy seas. The trickster, Quetzalcoatl had come for Ometeotl. As the gods neared Ra, he could only think of one thing. The Supreme Beings had cornered Ra with their most powerful weapons.

As the group of gods neared the booth, Ra quickly looked to Krishna. Krishna seemed calm enough and Ra trusted the god. Ra stood and greeted the men. He shook each of their hands. As he did, he noticed the look in their eyes. They seemed nervous, anxious and ready for battle. Ra kept calm. Although he was surrounded by the most powerful gods in their current universe, he himself was still a Supreme Being.

“Whose turn was it to halt time?” Krishna said as he joined Ra in greeting the other gods.

Peter stepped forward and placed his briefcase on the table of the booth. He began removing papers left and right.

“Once you all sign these, He will stop time for us.” Peter briskly handed out pens to all of the gods. None of them had adapted to the times as He had.

Each of the gods stepped up to the booth reluctantly and began to initial and sign the papers. Once Quetzalcoatl had signed the final paper, everything stopped. The restaurant, which had been filled with the meaningless chatter of dozens of humans, was now silent. The gods breathed sighs of relief. Most of them couldn’t stand being around humans.

“Now,” Ra said as the gods formed a wide circle. Some sat on tables, some pulled up chairs and some stood firm and resolute. “What is this all about? I assumed since Zeus had called us here, I would be seeing him.”

“Zeus merely volunteered to contact you.” Helios spoke to Ra as though he was addressing Zeus himself. Although they were both gods of the Sun, Ra was far more powerful than Helios. Helios knew respect was needed.

“He has been meaning to talk to you for some time.” Peter said, pulling out a cell phone and typing away.

“Odin has wished to speak with you since The Cold War.” Thor bellowed.

“Have all of your masters wanted to speak with me?” The gods in the circle all nodded their heads, somewhat bewildered at the question. “Why is this meeting just now happening? Why haven’t you all come to me sooner?”

The gods exchanged nervous glances.

“You made it clear that we were not to contact you unless absolutely necessary.” Susanoo said after a long pause.

Ra drew back in shock. The other gods jumped to their feet and took stances of battle. They had expected him to attack.

“I never said anything like that. When did I make this supposed proclamation?” Ra’s head began to ache as he grew angrier. His divinity was attempting to break out of his human guise. If it did, the other gods would surely attack him. It was against tradition at these sort of meetings to use divine powers.

“The day after we stopped the Missile Crisis. You told us all never to speak with you unless the world was ending.” Krishna said, now slightly wary of the Supreme Being.

“Impossible. I would never say that, Krishna. There has to be some misunderstanding.” Ra felt the heat of the sun growing inside him. What was happening? He always kept control of his guises. He’d never had a problem keeping his divinity inside of himself.

“There is no misunderstanding; Ra. Zeus finally called this meeting after we couldn’t wait any longer. The world isn’t ending, though. Yet.” Peter said.

“Is this why none of you have spoken to me?” Ra addressed all of the gods, but he was truly speaking to Krishna.

All the gods slowly nodded their heads.

“Now, we need to discuss what’s been happening. It can’t be held off.” Peter said.

“What is happening!” Ra shouted.

The gods all jumped back again, save Krishna. They knew to fear Ra’s power, but Krishna knew the god would never harm him intentionally.

“Chaos is returning.” Helios said.

Ra froze. The divinity burning up in his stomach subsided slightly at the mention of his greatest enemy.

“Apep is gone,” Ra said firmly. “We all saw him die many years ago.”

“Satan. Apep. Chaos. Whatever you want to call him. He is returning. Our Supreme Beings have sensed his powers.” Peter said.

“No,” Ra stated. “I would have sensed him.”

“Clearly not!” Thor yelled, his voice slamming into Ra’s face like thunder.

Ra stared at the young god in disbelief.

“How dare you speak to me in such a way!” The divinity in Ra almost seeped through his mouth as he spoke to Thor. Ra was genuinely concerned. His divinity should be in check.

“You have lived in your plane for forty years, not speaking to any of us. We have dealt with wars, famine, evil and hate while you do nothing! You haven’t cared for your people in decades. No wonder you didn’t sense the growing threat. You’ve grown old, Ra. Old and useless.” Thor spat the words into Ra’s face without fear.

“There has to be some mistake. I would have never cut myself off from the world. None of you had contacted me. I thought the world was peaceful.” Ra’s head dropped in shame. “Why have you summoned me now? Why wait?”

“Chaos managed to contact Apollo from the Netherworld. He listed out demands for us all to follow.” Helios said.

“What were those demands?” Ra’s spine began to tingle at the thought of what Apep would want from them.

“He demands that a Supreme Being be killed and replaced with him.” Helios said.

Krishna stood and walked to Ra coolly.

“Helios. You neglected to mention that to the rest of us.” Krishna said, his fingers brushing the tip of his flute.

“The rest of us were informed, of course.” Peter said.

“Vishnu just knew you wouldn’t like the decision the other Supreme Beings had made.” Thor said.

“It is nothing against you, Ra,” Quetzalcoatl said, his tongue whipping around like a snake’s. “But we can’t risk Chaos returning to this earth. If we give him your plane and let him live as Apep, he would be satiated and earth would be peaceful. That’s all we want. Peace.”

The gods began to step towards Ra, slowly and carefully.

“Krishna. In fact, all of you: I will not fault you for following orders. I will allow you to stop this now, return to your masters and tell them I overpowered you. They will believe it. If you choose to fight me, I will destroy you.” Ra’s divinity could not be held back for much longer.

Krishna embraced the Ra as though they were brothers.

“Do not kill them, Ra. That is not the way.” Krishna disappeared as he spoke the last word.

When Krishna vanished, Susanoo made the first mistake. He lunged for Ra, his hands crackling with a powerful lightning. Ra’s divinity burst from him as Suanoo’s hands clutched his throat. The room exploded outward as the Light of the Gods enveloped the room. The deities were all thrown back off their feet as the light bounced and twisted around the room. The Light of the God’s was a living being. The light hadn’t killed the gods, but Ra still hadn’t expected the blast of fire he took to the chest. It caused him to waver somewhat, but he regained his posture quickly. Ra saw Helios foolishly running at him through the swarm of light and fire. Ra took note of the bravery of Helios. But, he still commanded the light to consume Helios. The light obeyed.

As Ra pulled his body away from the earthly plane and to his own, he wondered what had happened. Who had told the other gods that Ra didn’t wish to be contacted? How was Apep returning? Why couldn’t Ra control his divinity? His powers seemed weak as well. He had intended to kill his attackers, but the Light of the Gods only knocked them out. Ra knew the only way to solve this would be to speak with the Supreme Beings. That would be difficult seeing as how Ra had just attacked their favorites.


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Thu Jan 02, 2014 10:37 pm
GoldFlame wrote a review...



Hey, Flame here! I was immediately vacuumed in. Mythology has always been a fascinating subject to me, whether Greek or Egyptian, and you can imagine my excitement when I learned that you were combining two mythologies into one novel!

Overall, you maintained a nice balance between dialogue and detail. Not to mention that you mastered paragraph breaking: effectively isolating trains of thought to emphasize them. Most young authors struggle with that, including me :D.

So, as I say for beautiful work, your beautiful work freed up room to peel apart the layers. The nitpicks below border on insignificant--just some awkward phrases that jumped out at me while I was reading...

"...glittering palaces of breath taking beauty." Should be "breathtaking."

"The gods would have deliberated their heavenly business with honor and dignity not awarded to anyone but a god." This sentence is becoming a little heavy. It could be omitted entirely.

So the first paragraph flowed smoothly and snared my attention, but there was too much active voice by the end. I admit that I can be overly picky about this kind of thing, though. Maybe throw in a dependent clause, or sculpt active voice into passive voice.

"Krishna stopped speaking when the air of power swept through the gods." The air of power?

“'You have many names my friend.'" Remember to insert a comma before people's names when addressing them.

"Walking next to Peter, Ra felt the presence of Helios, whom Zeus had sent." A jump from Isis to Helios in the same paragraph. A simple transition word could fix it.

"Ever since Ra had met the youthful god, he had taken an immediate liking to him." If he'd liked him ever since he met him, the reader knows that it's "an immediate liking." Simply omit "immediate."

I noticed here that you placed speaker's tags after dialogue ending with a period. A comma should replace the period if a speaker's tag exists.

"...initial and sign the papers." Could simply be "sign."

Now I won't bother mentioning every part that could be simplified. Just try occasionally decreasing the number of prepositions and adverbs, not that there are many, but the reader can lose interest when sentences are overloaded. I'd also advise adding more contractions, so the story is more easy-flowing.

Of course, I'm not accusing you of choppiness. The action pulled me in, and your introduction of the conflict and characters was smooth. The only fear I possess is that your novel will become cliché. This idea has been echoed in countless works. Gods uniting to defeat a higher evil power, such as the devil (Satan)? In addition, the reader is familiar with most of the characters featured, which leaves little space for development. Introducing smaller conflicts, especially ones involving their personal lives, will definitely spice things up. Just a suggestion, though. I have no idea where this is going :).

Nice job so far! I honestly can't wait to read more of this. Keep up the good work!




JohnLocke1 says...


Thank you so much for the review, my friend! I will take all that you said into my editing process.



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 8:15 pm
thebatman wrote a review...



So, first off, wow, this is such a cool idea! I mean all of mythology mashed into one story! Why has no one ever thought of this! So, yes brilliant idea.

This looks such a promising story I would really like to see more of it. It has such an engaging plot already and the characters leave me want to know more about them.

Here is the one tiny thing I noticed that should be changed

Krishna embraced the Ra as though they were brothers.


So yeah just get rid of the "the"




JohnLocke1 says...


Thank you, my friend!



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 6:25 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Hi, John Locke! Thanks for the unalienable rights

Even gods fear anuclear holocaust.


Consider changing "fear" to "feared" and adding in that bolded word. If you read it out loud, it makes more sense than what you already have.


Okay, Mr. Locke. You've earned yourself a fan. This was amazing. I'm not even joking. I was drawn in from the start. You had me confused at first, since Krishna is a Hindu god and Ra is an Egyptian one, but once you entered the other gods, I was like "omg YES" because I realized what you were doing. A mythology crossover. 8) I love it, and you must let me know when chapter two is up.

I have a tiny nitpicks, which has to do with the title. It's just a personal opinion, but I feel like you should name this something else, or rather, something more than just "Ra." Ra is just one of the gods in the story, and while he may be the main character, I just feel like you named the title Ra because you couldn't think of anything else. Besides, it's dull. Try spicing it up, like "The light of Ra" or something. Just a suggestion. :)

Other than that, you did great. You started off with some useful information, so we know why Ra is in the human world and in Dennys, of all places. You did great with introducing us to the major conflict of the story, the villain, the indirect enemies, and the overall plot of the story. You gave a great hook and you have me drawn in, so I know you'll gain some others as well. I look forward to seeing more!

-Iggy




JohnLocke1 says...


Thank you so much for reading my work. It means the world, my friend.



Iggy says...


Ohh, that title is awesome! I love it!




The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.