Save me!
By: Hannah Showalter
Joy was visiting her boyfriend Cole. He had black slick hair and brown eyes. His house was small yet cozy. They sat on his porch swing together. "There is something I need to tell you. My brother, the one who killed your cat when you were eleven, was taken to jail for shooting someone. He is out now, but his is angry at you." said Cole. Joy gasped and replied, "What did I do to him?" "Nothing." They heard a branch break. Joy turned around and saw David, Cole's brother. "Look who I found." said a raspy voice. David pulled out a silver thing. From what she could see, it looked like a gun. "He's got a gun!" yelled Joy as she looked at Cole's eyes. They no longer shined, but raged with anger and fear. "Joy! I'll pretend to be scared and run so if he want's to shoot, he'll get me." "But-But- I can't let you do that fo-" It was to late. Cole ran and screamed like a crazy maniac. Joy could she him load a bronze bullet into the gun. "Noooooo!" Joy screamed and ran after Cole, trying to dodge the bullet. The bullet hit her in the head, but Cole didn't know that. When the shoot fired, he expected him to be a goner. He turned a saw it was Joy who fell from the shot. He gasped and ran back to his love. But when he got there, he could hardly see her precious face from the blood that saved his life. He ran to grab his phone. He dialed 911 and soon an ambulance arrived at the white house. Joy was put on a stretcher and Cole hopped in the vehicle with her. They arrived at the hospital in what seemed like hours. The doctors had her hooked up to life support. Cole, trying to be brave, ended up bursting out into tears as the doctors told him that Joy would probably die soon. He spent the whole day praying that she would heal. After many days that he was not allowed to visit her, he was finally granted permssion. Cole peaked through the door and sat down in the chair. "Uh...Hi Joy. How are you?" The pale skined girl gave a small smile. A doctor walked in the room. "She just might heal. The bullet luckly didn't hit the brain or anything else important." Cole's eyes glittered with hope as he turned to look at his girl. "She will never heal fully. She will probably have many seizures too. If any happen, take her to us right away." Cole nodded as the doctor left. "Y-you saved my life." Joy smiled and in a raspy voice, she said, "I prayed for you." "For me? For what?" "That no matter what happened, you would still feel comforted by God." "I prayed for you too, that you would heal." Both adults smiled and kissed. "Thank you God!" They both said in unison. The two ended up getting married. David was still out there and Cole figured that it wouldn't be the last encounter with him. He was right.
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137,443 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
I have yet to read it in full, and I can already tell you this: it's too short. After going through and reading it, I can see what you were trying to do and the length does not serve it any justice. It is far too short with hardly enough atmosphere to create the effect that you were striving for. Another thing that I must point out is your lack of paragraphs. When it comes to paragraphs, I don't believe that it's a choice. They should always be made when the idea changes or when a new person speaks. Sometimes you can create a new paragraph for atmosphere. However, without paragraphs, your story is very hard to read and you can easily lose readers in the midst of it. After putting the effort in to read it, I can tell you that I love the idea. Nonetheless, taking some of my suggestions and some of the suggestions of Milky and BiscuitsBatchAvoy will greatly improve this piece.
I like the idea that you had for this short, but there a couple of critiques I have for you. Your story is very rushed, which is the opposite of what we want. Instead of simply telling your reader what happened, which is what this work feels like, aim instead to immerse your audience in the thoughts and worlds of your characters. Add in more description. What are your characters thinking? What makes them think this way? How will this affect the way your characters will act? How will these actions affect other characters in your world? Overall though, good job, and keep going at it.
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here to review.
This was good. I loved the idea of it, the plot. It was interesting and you kept it short, which was nice. I think it could benefit from some polish, however. The pace felt a bit rushed. You could've stretched it out a tad more for suspense purposes, give us more of the backstory on the characters. But, it is a short story, so I guess I can't complain too much.
The biggest problem with this was the lack of paragraph breaks. Luckily, this is an easy fix. Just go back and put in a few breaks now and again. Whenever one character's dialogue ends, put in a break before the other character's dialogue so that it's not back-to-back.
As it stands, this is kind of one big block of text, which isn't that great on the reader's eyes. Plus, it's not that pretty to look at.
This doesn't flow right for me. In fact, at first I thought "if any happen" was a typo.
I think it would sound better if you changed it to: "She will never fully heal. And she will probably have many seizures. If anything like that should happen, bring her to us right away."
Or something like that.
Anyway, other than those nitpicks, nice job on this!
Okay, um, first of all ... it's way too short. Short stories don't have to be quite so short. Also, it's all one paragraph and the speech doesn't take new lines anywhere. I have absolutely no idea why David wanted to kill Cole or Joy and the sentences were quite abrupt. Everything was sort of just happening and I was getting quite confused and you were kind of showing not telling so it all felt very matter-of-fact. Also, the pace kept changing and I was never quite sure what was happening.
Nevertheless, I think you have a fairly interesting character in Cole but in 27 lines I really don't know who he is. Also, please, please, give David a motive. Please?
But I'm sorry this sounded so harsh I really don't want you to feel upset. I posted my first work earlier and I understand what it's like to be new so yeah ... Merry Christmas!