Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Oh God, how I hated that dress.
Prom night, and nobody to dance with. Except, of course, Pammy. Pammy, who dressed like a giraffe and had a neck almost as long. Ugh.
Across the dance floor spread out among the gymnasium bleachers, cheery-ass revelers twirled and leapt, or in Pammy's case, spun and jiggled with a ferocity that would make even a mountain lion nauseous.
I stared down my shoddy clothes in disgust, wishing I had never come. Obviously, loners like me weren't cut out for this kind of crap.
A trio of drunk party-animals giggled nearby. As I made to stand, one laughed, spilling punch all over her fancy dress. Her laughter came to a halt, a look of bewilderment crossing her face. I snorted, "Idiots."
As I elbowed my way through the jungle of tangled limbs, someone waltzed straight into my shoulder, sending me reeling. I gracefully executed a 360-degree pirouette before collapsing onto the cold tiles. Ouch. I winced, prodding the back of my head.
Today was not my day.
A sigh escaped my lips. At least the view from the floor was nice. The giant chandelier suspended above the crowd sent sparkles into my eyes, but I resisted the impulse to blink. Once more, laughter floated over from the dancing trio. Frowning, my concentration broken, I steeled myself to give the mother-of-all-glares, before catching sight of the fancy young woman, who happened to be mopping rather sloppily at her punch-soaked breasts with a handkerchief.
"Mmmm," I nodded to myself appreciatively, wincing as my wounded skull rubbed along the unyielding tiles. It could've been worse, I suppose.
The sparkling lights were making me dizzy, but I resisted the urge to close my eyes. I may have been a lonely virgin, but you didn't have to be an artist to appreciate those curves.
A familiar pair of polka-dotted stilettos came close to decapitating me, but I refused to budge. Voices blended together and the woman's laughter echoed as I let my mind wander, taking in the rounded cheekbones, soft lips...eyes creased with humor... Her pale skin practically glowed with vigor, and her sparkling satin dress perfectly matched her ruby lips. Succulent, crimson lips. Lips parted daintily in an "oh" of surprise. The light grew blinding, and my eyes closed of their own will. There was a tinkle, a faint crunch, and all went dark.
I was lucky to have survived that day. Everyone said so. The cable holding the chandelier was frayed, supposedly from the strain. The glass bulbs exploded mid-fall, killing everyone instantly. Except me, of course. I was too low to be impaled by the splintered glass. I escaped with no more than a tiny cut just short of my eye. I'm a miracle, really. Shit, even Jesus himself didn't have that kind of luck.
But I saw it. The red lips, coated in blood before the chandelier crushed them.
I heard them scream my name.
The doctors don't understand what's wrong with me. Why I don't want to leave.
And dammit all, I'm not sure either.
I've gotten to know the staff pretty well, though. Most of us are on a first-name basis. Hell, I bet I've made more friends in my few years here than Pammy made in her lifetime, short as it was.
Sometimes I'll have nightmares, though. That I was the one who rigged the chandelier to fall, coating the cold, tile floor in a spray of red.
And then I realize that I, miraculously, survived. I was alive!
That's when I begin to scream.
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137,443 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Wow, I really liked this story. It was very suspenseful and captivating read even though it's short. I wnderes what was wrong with the person telling the story. You got the narrator's tone very well.
I also liked how you compared the people at prom to animals. It showed that something in the narrator's mind thought that he really despised the people in his school and thought of them as wild things who could not control themselves, which was also another hint into who this person was, which I liked.
Like everyone else has mentioned, I find the part about the chandelier killing everyone unlikely, but as you've also stated, it's good for the story, And I agree with that. And it's your story, and doesn't have to be realistic, so kudos to you for that.
Now this is a little embarassing to admit but I had trouble understanding what gender the character was. The opening line made me think that it as a girl. I dont know why, perhaps because all of the other stories I read about teenagers going to parties and say thet despise what they're wearing are usually female. After I read some of the previous reviews, I see that you say that the main character was male, but I looked back into the story and I did find any firm clues that gave away what gender the narrator was. One could say that the description of the girl with crimson lips was a give away, but I didn't think so myself. Perhaps there could be a little more info on the opening line, like, whose dress did he hate? If that is added then it might clear things up.
Aside from that, I enjoyed reading this short. I found it very interesting and the plot twist entertaining. I am looking forward to reading more of your writing! Great job!
--MCP
Interesting that you mentioned the gender mix-up, as I have had that same issue brought up once before. It was my intention to write the main character as a male, but I like your interpretation also.
I liked this short. I thought the premise was well fleshed out, and the details you brought to the audience were excellent. I have to say though, those doctors are kind of bad if they don't see any problems with the young character in your story. He's obviously having some issues. It's interesting to think about the things that you left up to the reader to decide. Did he actually rig the chandelier to fall? Does he have a split personality disorder? Does he have survivor's guilt? Is there something supernatural happening?
A few questions though.
Why does his world go dark? The chandelier doesn't really touch, just a "small scratch." Does he faint from shock?
Overall, really great job. Kudos
Well, it depends on whether or not he rigged the chandelier to fall (;
Wow.
That reaaaalllyyyy struck me, well done. What a brilliant plot twsit, you were really able to create such a massive effect on the reader. Shock. Confusion. Bewilderment. As Jessheeran already said, I also thougt at first it would be one of those usual teen underdog prom stories but it was just so. much. more. So much better!! I mean, with this I can already see what a great writer you are. Changing the path of your story (and also the path of the reader's thoughts) is very hard and could have gone completely wrong; but you kept your beautiful writing, imagery and made the ending so striking it worked perfectly!
I think you executed this very well:
The way you went from the girl's description to the chandelier crashing on the floor almost makes it feel as though we as the readers are going through the boy's thought track. It is very true to what he saw as it creates a feeling of suddenness: he was just admiring this girl's beauty when all of a sudden everything went black.
Just one thing I wanted to suggest: when you say "Lips parted daintly in an "oh" of surprise." I would either have put a paragraph break in before or started the sentence with "The lips" or "Her lips" just because it doesn't quite seem to flow.
Also, I love how you go back to the lips and what he saw after the chandelier crashed:
I am really looking forward to reading more from you
Merry Christmas!
Thanks for the review, I'll take your suggestions into consideration. Merry Christmas to you too!
I don't understand whether or not this piece of work is from your experience or if you just created it with your imagination, but if it is an extract which was created by your imagination, hats off to you, because this seems like an extract of a book that can be published and even become a Best Seller, Honestly you have an amazing imagination. But surely no one can become a writer over night. I thought that the scenes went by too quickly and the layout was not proper, please look over that and this would have been a better pice of art.
I'm thankful for the feedback, but can you be a bit more specific about the "improper layout"? I'd really appreciate the clarification!
My initial, instinctive response to this story was that, if it's not based any all on true events, than you have quite the vivid imagination and I have no doubt that will serve you well as a writer. Adnamarine mentioned in her review that she felt the explosions of the lights may have sounded a little far fetched to kill everybody. I'll be honest, I didn't even give a second thought to that while I was reading the story. At first I thought the chandelier was going to come crashing down onto the floor, and if the support rope that was holding it up had been frayed, than that is still a very possible scenario which I felt like I sort of kept in the back of my mind (even if just subconsciously) the entire time. I'm not sure if you intended this or not, but either way, the chandelier is unstable. This is portrayed through your description of it later on in the story, and even if it's just my own interpretation of the events, I don't think it's completely unjustified to say that, along with the shattering glass that could have killed people, I also imagined the chandelier swinging back and forth, recklessly causing damage and further deaths, which you still could have avoided if you were so close to the ground. But I digress and apologize for the rant. I don't know if that really makes any sense to you, but as I said, it's just the way I interpreted the story. Otherwise, good description of the characters and places and events, good flow to the story and I didn't catch any spelling or grammatical errors. Well done.
Thanks for sharing your opinion of the story! I'm always curious as to how readers will interpret what I write
Hellooo there, I'm here to review this fabulous work!
First of all, I LOVE IT. You've written this so well and it totally captivates the reader into what happens next.
Like Adnamarine, I tend to review poetry not short stories, but this totally caught my attention and made me want to read on.
Me: "I have to read on. Oh my Lord. OH MY LORD. I have to read on- wait. It's-it's finished..."
I love it, you've made a great character and some of the ideas you've used and thought of were really realistic, the way you made the character feel guilt and think of those reasons as to why it could have been her fault, nightmares... you've thought this through!
Good work, I'm following you for sure!
-CFG
Ha! Love the enthusiasm, and I hope you'll like my other pieces as much as this one!
I don't usually review short stories; I tend to stick to poetry, but I stopped in to read this and was intrigued. So I thought I'd offer my thoughts.
I really appreciated the length of this story. I felt you gave just enough information--not so little that we're confused or salivating for more detail, and not so much that you give it all away.
Whether or not this was your intention, I can't help but wonder whether the narrator *did* rig the chandelier. I read it a second time to make sure that I hadn't missed any clues. I think that is exactly the kind of story you want to write, especially in this genre.
There was one area where I was confused, and that is the identity of Pammy vs. the "fancy girl." Sometimes it seemed like they were the same person, but sometimes it seemed like they couldn't be. If they're not the same person, I would suggest only having one of them--having both is confusing, and then I wasn't sure why Pammy was mentioned by name at all if we never see her. If they are, adjust it so it's more clear? When it comes down to it, the only reason I wondered if they were the same person is because I couldn't think of any other reason for Pammy to be mentioned, because otherwise she has not part.
The other thing I wondered is, would exploding lightbulbs form a chandelier really be enough to kill everyone? That part seemed a bit far-fetched for me...but maybe I'm missing something.
Aside from that, I really enjoyed this! I thought you ended at just the right point and had a good style. We didn't get to know the character well of course, but the snap shot was all we really needed. Nice job!
I hope you're enjoying YWS so far!
Thank you for your very constructive feedback! And no, Pammy and the fancy girl were -not- the same person, though I hope that part didn't throw you too much. And though the exploding light bulbs may or may not have been unrealistic (I'm not too sure myself, to be honest) I doubt it matters so much that it needs to be changed. If you have any more questions, please ask! These were very helpful.
Thank you for your very constructive feedback! And no, Pammy and the fancy girl were -not- the same person, though I hope that part didn't throw you too much. And though the exploding light bulbs may or may not have been unrealistic (I'm not too sure myself, to be honest) I doubt it matters so much that it needs to be changed. If you have any more questions, please ask! These were very helpful.
Whoops, sorry.
That was the most shocking plot twist in the history of plot twists.
That was absolutely amazing, really.
I can't even begin to describe what my face even looks like after reading that, it's a mix of "Oh my good gracious what the hell", with "That was the most amazing thing ever".
I got the feeling it was one of those teen-like I-hate-prom-day stories where you find this one awkward boy and yes I'm in love because everyone has a special someone in life.
But that...
That was a million times better.
Congratulations. You can freaking write.
Thank you for the mental image of your shocked face in all its glory
I'm glad you think it's more than some teen-outcast pity-party.