z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

Guardians Rising

by Meddle


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

A Star in the Dark of Night

Washington D.C.

0300 Hours

12/24/2008

“It’s rare that I get to take in the capital in such quiet solitude” thought the man to himself from his office. The landmarks of freedom’s progress stood out from the landscape in such stark contrast from the modern buildings. The Washington Monument stood white and resolute, and a reminder of a sword from a forgotten age. Washington himself couldn’t have predicted the events that he and his countrymen would set in motion when they started America, the land of the free. The days of uniforms and traditions had long since eroded; a new type warrior was needed to bring forth humanities next ascension and to quell man’s violent nature The monuments history was juxtaposed against the lights and decorations of Christmas twinkling in the reds and greens of the season. The happiness of Christmas was marred by the news that even on the eve of Christmas terrorism ran rampant, three separate attacks on the eve of Christ’s birth and two in relation to the peaceful Christian celebration.

The time for talking has ended” he thought.

The satellite phone in his pocket rang quietly as the vibrations tickled his suited chest. He pulled the phone from his pocket slowly; knowing it could only be one person, and that once the conversation was done it would be almost impossible to stop what it would set in motion. He pressed the call button and placed the phone to his ear. He heard the beeps as the phone confirmed the encryption and heard a male voice inquire softly

This is Stride, is Operation FORGE a go, “asked a distorted voice.

The man in the office takes a deep breath and replies “This is Patriot, Forge is a go.”

The voice inquires one last time “please speak the command code phrase.”

The patriot replies slowly rubbing his right shoulder with his left hand “darken the lights to let in star’s light.”

Command confirmed Patriot, good luck sir.”

Keep the luck for yourself Stride you’re now the tip of the spear heading for a target no one else can see.”

Thank you sir, we won’t let you down, Stride out.” The call cut off abruptly as the Patriot looked out on the still capital that would soon know the true cost of peace.

I know you won’t, nothing will change if you do,” he says softly once the phone is back snugly in his pocket.

Forge

Chapter 1

A New Direction

Kisatchie National Forest

Near Pineville, LA

1/5/11

0937 hours

“You have a terrible since of direction, “shouts Pvt. First Class Jarvis Sanderson over the sound of air whipping around him as he felt O’Reilly hit yet another bump on the back roads of Louisiana.

Yeah well maybe if you had sweet talked the quartermaster a little more into giving us a Humvee or something more able to go off road rather than this piece of shit car we would be able to take a more direct route, “quipped Riley O’Reilly as the trees of Louisiana flashed by in the cold, humid morning air. The scenery looked half dead as the grass yellowed and browned and the trees were half full of foliage.

Do you think you could have made us any later? It’s seven minutes past the briefing time and we left Fort Polk two hours ago?”

Settle down Jarvis there’s nothing we can do about it now but hustle and try slip in under the radar, “replied O’Reilly in a jovial tone characteristic of the Irish American.

Riley do you know anything about this assignment,” asked Jarvis neutrally.

I know about as much as you one minute I’m listening to the singing of shrapnel and ringing of grenades in the caves of Afghanistan, next thing I know you and I are pulled off our squad so fast our heads spin. They moved us across continents so fast that I thought I was an overnight package,” exclaimed Riley.” The local scuttlebutt is that the two years ago construction began to revive Camp Livingston, a training base that hasn’t been open since the Second World War considering the recession this caused quite of bit of uproar. Other than that no one knows anything more though many people have been asking questions. No one at Fort Polk that I talked has been there and the construction was finished very recently.”

So just to be clear we’re going in with no intel and a prayer “said Jarvis sullenly.

That’s how we’ve always done it,” said Riley brightly “I would hate to break tradition now”. Jarvis sighed wondering what he’d ever done to warrant such mistreatment

Camp Livingston

Near Pineville, LA

1000 hours

The dynamic duo raced from the motor pool to the command center’s briefing room as fast they could, they’re breath fogging the morning air. A hulking figure in military olive drab and cut of dark ebony awaited them in front of the building. “Atten hut!” said the men as the two privates skidded to a halt. The man left them standing their staring in attention space for almost half a minute before he acknowledged their continued existence.

I’m First Sergeant Reginald DeSilva, second in command of Camp Livingston. You are tardy in the extreme.” The sergeant eyed their insignia patch and broke out in a wicked smile.

I thought Rangers were supposed to lead the way, I’m sure the other Rangers will be very keen to find out why you embarrassed them front of the branches stationed here. I suggest you not waste anymore time. Dismissed!” shouted the first sergeant. Riley threw Jarvis a look mouthing “other branches.” However they were too late to stop and discuss it.

Riley and Jarvis quickly moved through the command center to the briefing room; not pausing to take in the sights or notice much of the architecture. The corridor lights were dimmed to conserve energy guessed Riley, however, it gave the corridors a since of foreboding. The blue double doors gave no hint as to what was contained behind them. Riley met Jarvis’s eyes, gave him the thumbs up and moved to open the doors. The two pulled the doors open as one and took quickly to blushing as the scene unfolded before them. The room was filled to capacity with what seem like an oversized company, around 300 men and women, seated in chairs in front of a large stage. All of them turned to look as the seemingly dim hallway lights thrust in the darkened briefing room like a spotlight. The man on the stage rose from his seat as the interlopers stood dumbfounded in the light.

Nice of you gentlemen to join us, please find your seats we’re already behind schedule as it is” he said the sternly. The humiliated duo slinked to the only two adjoining and open seats in the auditorium. DeSilva, the first sergeant from earlier closed the doors, plunging the room back into darkness

Good morning,” said the man in the man on the stage. “My name is Colonel Jonathan Stride. Some of you may have heard of some of my exploits over the years Vietnam, Gulf War, and most recently the War on Terror, but today is not about me it’s about you. You’ll find assigned to this company operators from Delta Force, 75th Rangers, Green Berets, Navy Seals, Air Force Pararescue, and the Marine Special Operations Regiment. You’ve all been hand selected to be the tip of the spear. However, tonight we’ll see if you’re worthy of that distinction. Commencing a sundown you’ll be broken down into your respective branches and move to pre-assigned points in the in a mock battle zone. Your objective will be to capture First Sergeant DeSilva before sunrise. The winning branch of the exercise will win the distinction of commanding the company in the field, “orated Company Commander Stride. A murmur rippled through the auditorium and an arm shot up.

Name and Rank, “asked Colonel Stride.

Corporal Kycillia Wilder” stated the woman as she rose. “With all due respect sir, I think sending three hundred people after one man is a bit of overkill.”

The colonel smiled wryly and said “We’ll see what you think tomorrow morning. You’re all free to explore the base, however, you’re forbidden to leave it.” The projector hummed to life. “You’ll find the commanding officer of your respective branches behind me. Report to them and then visit the front desk to find your lodgings. Lastly you will report to the quartermaster at 1800 hours to receive the equipment for tonight’s exercise. A flare will signal the start of the exercise which will begin at approximately 1930 ” A voice rang out from the back of the auditorium filling the room like a explosion.

Company Atten-HUT, “called out the top sergeant. The assembled masses sprang to attention the enlisted offering salutes and the officers in the crowd standing at attention

Ladies and Gentlemen my name is Reginald DeSilva I will be your adversary tonight. I encourage you to begin planning how you’re going to catch me as I assure you with your numbers I won’t be pulling any punches. DISMISSED!” The men and women began to file out row by row as the XO pushed open the double doors and the hallway light cast a spotlight on the operators as they exited.


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508 Reviews


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 9:25 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:
Although not technically incorrect to start out with a thought, it makes it seem like the character's talking, and then psyche! Nope, it's just his thoughts. Not having the thoughts in italics is a little irritating. Not realizing the quote is a thought until you're done reading it is even more irritating. I'd recommend either changing it to italics, which you can code easily by reading this.
Actual technical with this thought, though, is that you should probably have a comma at the end of the quote. It doesn't hurt.

"...to bring forth humanities next ascension..."

Spelling error. "humanity's", not humanities (the latter is a field of study).

"...violent nature The monuments history..."

Two things happened here. First, you forgot your period between nature and The. Second, you forgot your apostrophe on monuments.

Same comment on the next thought. I would recommend a comma at the end of the quote. (And italicize it, please.)

"He pulled the phone from his pocket slowly; knowing it could only..."

This semi-colon should be a comma. Also, this is a very long sentence. I would recommend trying to break it up into several sentences. And as for the other sentences in this paragraph, only the first doesn't begin "He..." You might want to mix things up a bit.

"...and heard a male voice inquire softly"

This is where things start getting a bit mucky. First you have a dialogue tag tucked in the coattails of this paragraph, and then you separate the quote from its tag and give it another tag. If you want this sentence to introduce the dialogue, then set it off as the start of its own paragraph.

"“This is Stride, is Operation FORGE a go, “asked a distorted voice."

A few things. One, with the comma as is, that's a comma splice. Not something I'd recommend, although you can get away with it (with some readers) in dialogue. Second, the second sentence should end with a question mark. Third and last, you have an extra space between the end of the quote and the close-quote, which made it become an open-quote tagged onto the dialogue tag. Simply swap the position of the space to fix that.

"The man in the office takes a deep breath and replies..."

No! You switched to present tense. Watch those verbs. They love doing that. You started this with past tense, and you should finish it out in past. But your narrative shifted to present tense right here. Please fix that.

"please speak the command code phrase"

Capitalize that "please", please.

"darken the lights to let in star’s light"

Capitalization again, only this time with "darken."

"Command confirmed Patriot, good luck sir."

Proper punctuation should be: "Command confirmed, Patriot. Good luck, sir."

"Keep the luck for yourself Stride you’re now the tip of the spear heading for a target no one else can see."

Punctuation again. Please put a comma after "yourself" and a period after "Stride".

And the rest of the dialogue in this first section contains comma splices. I'm going to stop there, because you have enough to go on to finish out the revising of this piece.

Hope this helps!




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Wed Dec 18, 2013 5:25 am
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi, Meddle! It's Lucrezia… again. ;)

This is a HUGE improvement on your first piece. The paragraph breaks made it much easier and more enjoyable to read. The story once again pulls the reader in instantly, and the dialogue sounds believable. I'm so glad you took the advice you got on the last piece to heart. There are plenty of writers too egotistical to listen to advice they're given, and luckily you don't have that problem at all. Which is great because you're too talented to waste your writing on pieces riddled with technical issues! :)

All right, so here comes the nitpicking.

There were, despite the major improvement, a few little typos I spotted, as well as some more misplaced quotation marks. Rather than quoting them for you, which would be too easy, I think I'll let you find them yourself when you go to edit this in the future. And next time you write something, make sure when you're writing dialogue not to put a space between a quotation mark and the dialogue you're quoting.

An example of what NOT to do: " And that was all it took, "she said.

And how it SHOULD look: "And that was all it took," she said.

Just some advice.

Oh, and another piece of advice: Rereading is CRUCIAL. I'm obsessive compulsive when it comes to rereading my stories and shorts, and will go over them as many as ten times before submitting them here (and even then the stray typo will occasionally slip through). Now, I'm not saying you should proof-read ten times like I do, but I still think rereading at least twice will give you a better chance at spotting little typos. (Unless you wrote it when you were especially tired and/or groggy, in which case you might want to reread as many as five times.)

For me, once I start to absolutely loathe one of my shorts or stories, I know I've reread them enough. ;) So find your "lucky number," or how many times you need to reread something before it's all nice and polished, and go with that. It really does help.

Other than that, this was awesome! The fact that you've already made such a big and noticeable step forward within ONE DAY of being on this site is absolutely incredible. :)




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Wed Dec 18, 2013 5:20 am
Pan wrote a review...



Pen here with a review!

I can tell that this is the beginning of a good story, but perhaps we can fix it up in a few ways.
As far as I can see, there are mistakes concerning punctuation. Your spelling was good, but I find most of my problems lying within the different paragraphs.
So, go back in, add periods, commas, even question marks! Apostrophes and colons/semicolons are good, too.
My other major problem is that the story seemed just a little rushed.
Try adding in a few more scenes, and add plenty of detailed to your sentences.
The enter key is our friend!
Another thing, though not as major, try an be consistent with all of the details that you put into the story. You don't seem to have a problem with this, but it's always good to remember it.
Good job, and keep writing!
~Pen




Meddle says...


Hey Pen,

I appreciate you taking the time to read over story. This is my first draft so I'm going to go over it with a finer comb this time around. I especially appreciate the adding detail the sentences advice, the sparseness of world creating details probably makes this work seem very rushed indeed. Again, thank your for constructive criticism regarding my work.

Best Regards,
Meddle




I regret everything.
— Ron Swanson