Human beings, we say that we are the smartest most advanced animals on Earth. We claim to know more about the world, we claim that we understand it more than anything else. However this is not the case. Humans are a cancer that plagues the Earth. Us as humans, we are different from every other animal on this planet. Other animals move with a purpose and a goal. They are always hunting or looking for something in order to better themselves. Some would say that this dumb existing only to survive. However, this is the best way to live. Humans want to leave a legacy and to die a heroic death. While doing this though we fail to realize that it was all for nothing. That in a trillion years the Earth will be gone. There will be no one to remember anything that you ever did. We fail to realize that while trying to die a heroic death we end up causing many un-heroic ones. This is why humans understand the world less than any other animal. We live in the future even when there isn’t one to live in. Other animals accept the fact that there is no point in doing anything but working to live. We have wars over books even when no one will be left to remember who won them. This is why we plague the Earth. Instead of accepting the fact that the end will eventually approach we choose to act like it will never happen. It is the greatest gift and the worst curse for us; as humans.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
I actually think that this short story, is perfect.
There are imperfections, as the other viewers said, but to me, those imperfections are what make this so perfect.
It doesn't matter if there are commas where there aren't supposed to be commas. It matters as to what the point is.
And the point of this is so great, that not even I can use criticism in any way possible.
I don't think you should change a single thing about your story.
I love it, so much.
This shows how muh potential, and talent you have.
Good job.
I'm actually going to thank you for writing such a good piece.
Timmyjake to leave you a short review!
First of all, I just want to tell you that I agree that humans can be a plague to the earth. Not in an ignorant way, but an uncaring way. And I don't mean global warming or littering. (A lot of that I think is just hogwash)
You say that humans live for the future, and that is true. But in a way, we live in the present and not the future. For one, if we looked towards the future, we would see our own death and our demise in it. The world does have an end, and humanity is beginning to realize its possible closure. Hence the arrival of so many zombie and end of the world movies flooding the stores today. Animals have what we call an animative soul, living for their own single lives. When they die, the simply go away. They rely soley on instinct, and that alone. If a wolf bites you, it isn't an act of malice, but rather something that is programmed into them for their survival. If a human bites you, it is for a much different reason.
Why? Because we have an immortal soul. We have an afterlife. And so we have a conscience and a free will.
By the way, these are just some thoughts of mine. They might sound like a lecture from your science teacher or something.
Onto reviewing grammar and punctuation!
You have one incomplete sentence that I can see.
That in a trillion years the Earth will be gone.
Another thing I noticed is that you place commas where they don't belong, and leave them out in places that you do need them in.
Human beings, we say that we are the smartest most advanced animals on Earth.
That sentence I would say to just cut out the comma and the "we" and then it would flow much better.
Instead of accepting the fact that the end will eventually approach we choose to act like it will never happen.
And this sentence I would cut in half at the "we."
Another thing that I think needs work on is cutting it up into individual paragraphs. An essay usually has an introduction paragraph, two or three body paragraphs, and then a wrap up paragraph.
Another thing is that I have always thought of a paragraph as an idea, like a really long sentence. Once that idea has been expressed and you are starting a new idea, its time to start a new paragraph.
Ok, this might seem a little harsh of a review, but since it is short I can concentrate on the entire thing, instead of focusing on one certain part.
I think that you did a good job. One thing you might think about doing is putting in some famous quotes or something that help you cause...
Looking forward to more work from you!!
~Timmyjake
Hey mahusername!
Cool username! I can see what you did there. Easy way to remember, eh?
Anyway, your essay, or um, paragraph, was really nice. I loved the thought behind it. But, I think it would have been better if you divided the essay into multiple paragraphs. It's a better sight to the eyes. Remember, there are many people who judge a book by it's cover. Try to organize your work in a neat and attractive way, so that it looks better.
The way you started really captured my attention. Your style of writing really built curiosity. But, the ending was a bit abrupt. I feel that this topic could be discussed a bit more. As a reader, I'd love to know more about your view on this topic instead of a quick read. This is the kind of topic you'd love to indulge in, not just read and forget. As a writer it's your job to think like the reader and make the length of your writing just right.
Then, the grammatical errors. Of course, that's ESSENTIAL in a review. One sentence really confused me.
" Some would say that this dumb existing only to survive. "
What is that supposed to mean? You might want to read through your work before submitting it, because errors like these really disrupt the flow of the read.
So, take this as constructive criticism, and I would love to read more of your work. So keep writing!
With looaaddsss of good wishes,
Aadygirl