the things she said were short
like puffs of smoke
but clean
pure
staccato
she called it
breathing to
the universe
but i wish
oh how i wish
she could have breathed
longer
her mouth
was a paintbrush
weaving words raw
and red and good
she knew
she knew
she knew
she knew it all
but she did not
she did not
she could not
see the future
the funeral
stuffy
on Wednesday
service staccato
i did not cry
she would not
want to see
my falling tears
i once heard that
aunt sylvia
was tortured
now i felt her pain
i walk
walk to the grave
lay a rose
with a short stem
but for
a little moment
i see my aunt
smile
and i think
that maybe
she knew her future
after all
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I like this poem. It's sad, but also beautiful. I like that you ended it on a happy note. I also like how each line is short, because that kind of reflects the title. The formatting was good, it added to the overall tone of the poem. and the way you repeat certain phrases and words makes it flow more smoothly, and kind of blurs it together, which makes me thing of a tear-stained page with the poem written in black ink. This is a really great poem, and it's awesome for a first try. I have no negative comments to make, so great job!
Genwrit, I thought this was absolutely lovely!
The setup is very unique, but it fits, it fits so well. I don't know if this was intentional, but you repeated the word "staccato" and I felt like the shortness of the lines reflected that word.
Each line that you started a stanza both introduced a new idea and blended in with the stanza, and with the rest of the poem. Having them set aside also showed the significance of the line--or gave them significance. Even the line "but for" shows that shift and puts our attention on that shift, that small but oh-so-important "but."
One very small change I would make is to capitalize your "i's". I like that you don't have other capital letters, but having the "i" small makes it look unimportant, like you're purposely making it smaller than it should be.
There was one stanza that I did not really like:
i once heard that
aunt sylvia
was tortured
now i felt her pain
You have some beautiful imagery and symbolism in other parts of the poem. This stanza just doesn't measure up. "Tortured" and "i felt her pain" are accurate, but they are used to frequently that they don't hold as much meaning anymore. I'd like to see a more imaginative, more vivid description that draws on our senses
I see that you're new, and I'm so glad that you've joined us, because this piece really impressed me with it's depth..and it's simplicity. When I saw that you are 13, I was surprised and even more impressed. Judging at least by this poem, you're very gifted and I'm excited to watch your talent grow even more. If you have any questions about the site, feel free to PM me any time!
I thought it was amazing! And sad. I like the way you wove the words together so that they flowed right. I like it!
Wow. This is in kind of a new set up. I like how you did it, though. It seems to give it more volume.
The font is nice.
In the fifth stanza, though, you might want to add a couple periods after 'she knew's.
I like the message in this poem, I like the length, I like how you ended it. Yes, at times it didn't flow too well, but I'll excuse that because it is your first poem.
Thanks for the read!
herby