Young Writers Society

It's pretty difficult to review a poem that is grammatically correct with fantastic spelling, an amazing topic and written so brilliantly that I'm left sitting, staring at the screen with a look of 'damn, why didn't I write this' plastered onto my face. But, I guess I should try, nevertheless.

My favourite part was very easily the third stanza of

"I couldn't accept the concept of hell
until my feet were singed by the lava
even as my tears turned to ice before they fell."

I think it's quite true how I've perceived it (maybe not exactly how it was meant). The concept of hell is a difficult one, but the way you've written it; this uncertain person, who's dead and suddenly meets this entire world they could never have believed while alive. I truly love it. Well done, keep writing.

Hello Fortis,

I want to say, that you have written an excellent poem. I really like the emphasis that you give on the rather ignorant way people can be when it comes to accepting certain things.

The way you like to show of ignorance that a person may have towards certain aspects of life and how a person may only believe what they see, is really well presented here.

Also, the way the poem is written is quite effective. The way each line is said and followed up, like,

"I couldn't accept that the world rested on plates
until it cracked open"

really adds to the gravitas of what you're trying to say.

One last thing is the imagery of the poem, I really like the descriptions of feet being singed in lava and a tear turning to ice a nice image to the piece.

Anyway, I'd like to give this poem an 8.5/10

Keep up the awesome work.

hi fortis ...so here's what i think, generaly it was one of the wonderful pieces i read before i'll

tell you why....first the expressive simple and short sentences ,cause sometimes we found

complex sentences with deficult words but its not meaningful so we don't understand what

does the writer trying to tell us... and second i liked the conclusion .......

I came to doubt mercy
until I met death.

but i guess that you should add a short beginning then you can start those expressions
" i couldn't accept "

so keep writing

Hi Fortis,

Like with most of your works, I really love this one.
I cant quite point out one thing, or two, so to say, that I liked the most, probably because the whole thing was really captivating.
You're used a lot of paradoxes in forms of metaphors, in the third stanza and amazingly it has worked quite well.

The lines I absolutely loved (even though I loved the whole piece, i have a bias towards these lines) are:
"I couldn't accept that I could be truly alone
until even I didn't answer my prayers,
echoing the emptiness without, within.

I came to doubt mercy
until I met death."
They just took my breath away.

Keep writing! You are amazing at it.

-Erin

Just dropping in to say I loved this. I think this is the second poem I've read of yours yet -- I've been doubly impressed...

Out and over *static*,

Max:)

I wasn't quite sure about this poem, but after finishing it, I am a big fan of it. The poem flowed smoothly, and you were consistent throughout the entire piece which is incredibly admirable. I would recommend, grammatically, going back through and adding in the appropriate punctuation.

For example, I would add a comma after "until it cracked open" and "until my feet were singed by the lava"

This is a personal preference, but for the couplet at the end of the poem, I think it would be better if it began almost in the same way the other stanzas had been starting - such as by saying:

"I came to accept doubt,
until I met death."

If you choose not to change it, that's perfectly fine, or if you want to play around with the wording I think that would be great too. I just feel like the poem would be fully concluded and wrapped up by making the couplet similar in word choice as the rest of the poem above it.

I really enjoyed reading the poem, keep writing!

This struck me as a profoundly spiritual poem with the speaker being akin to a doubting Thomas. That is, just as Thomas could not accept the Resurrection until he saw Jesus with his own eyes, the speaker cannot accept the reality of her situation until she is directly forced to confront it. I think that theme is further emphasized in the last two lines, which seem to imply the ultimate salvation of the speaker.

Overall, I love the imagery you use in this poem. Your words are beautifully evocative, and there are certain lines such as "freezing my eyelids open toward heaven" that I absolutely love. I read this poem through multiple times just to appreciate the beauty of the language that you've employed.

That is not to say, of course, that there aren't areas that need improvement. For example:

spilling molten substances into the big zero.

Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

"I couldn't accept that the world rested on plates
until it cracked open
spilling molten substances into the big zero."