Preface:
I never thought my life would end this way. Lying on the cold wet sidewalk, watching the blood drain from my body. It's because I knew something, something I shouldn't have. I'm going to die alone, in the dark, cold rain. My eyes filled with tears, and a drop traced my cheekbone.
Chapter One: Witness
I appeared in a dark room with nobody else. "Help Me!" I yelled. "Help! Somebody? Please help my troubled soul." I cried out. Tears running down my face I scream "Somebody! Anyone?" and then I saw her, a girl with long, brown, curly hair. She had emerald green eyes, and oh were they pretty. She was so pale, it looked good on her. She was average height, and weight. I ran towards her "Hey!" I said while running. She gasped when she saw me " Who are you?" She asked nervously. " I'm Kylee, Kylee Stelzer." I replied. " I..I'm Brynn, Brynn Celphrone." She said shyly. "Where are we?" I asked. " I don't know, but you are so pretty." She said. How strange, we are in the middle of nowhere and she compliments me. I've been told I was beautiful before and I guess I was. I have Blonde hair, and Blue eyes, I'm tall and curvy, not fat but curvy. It reminded me of not to long ago at school, I was walking down the hall and my enemy Tara laughed and called me fat. I turned around so fast I'm almost sure she got wipe-lash. I wen't off on her calling her a good for nothing whore and boyfriend stealer, but I wasn't done. I called her a slut who can't keep her legs shut, and a skank who needs to back the fuck off. She cried and ran away. I'm not skinny, but I wear my curves with such attitude, nobody would dare call me fat. " Thanks." I said with a smile. I looked around and I saw a man, he had amazing brown hair, and brown eyes. He was gorgeous, to bad he looked 25 and I'm only 17. " Brynn, look a man!" I said with excitement. " Where?" She looked over,"Oh now I see him." "Hello?" I said. "Hello." He said. He had a cute British mixed with Scottish accent. " How old are you?" I asked Brynn. "19." She replied. "Oh I'm uh...17." "You two beautiful ladies are dead." The Scottish-Brit said. "WHAT?" I said. While Brynn Gasped. " Brynn, don't you remember? You were in a car accident." He said calmly. "No, I can't be dead! I just can't." I burst into tears. Brynn just say down and stared into nowhere. " Kylee." He said coming towards me."You were murdered. Remember?" He said. " No." I cried even more. He wrapped him arms around me. "Shh, You'll be okay." He said hugging me. " Who are you" I said as he withdrew from the hug. "I'm Mickey." He said. " How old?" I asked."21." He said. "Stop crying, I'm dead too. It isn't that bad." Mickey said. "You're Kylee right?" He asked. " Yeah, and that's Brynn." I pointed to her. " Well Kylee Stelzer is suppose to lie with me, and Brynn Coaster should be here soon." He said. "What? I'm not leaving Brynn. And I don't know you." I said. " Thats how it works, see the AFLG assigns a living place to people, and its all a plan I guess. They have a plan for me and you." He said. Oh, he was cute, I'll go. " Alright, when can I see Byrnn again?" I asked. " Whenever you want." He smiled. He wore a brown suit and Tan Coverse with a long brown trench coat. It was so hot. " But isn't this AFLG thing god?" I asked. "No, there is no such thing." He grabbed my hand and lead to to a hole, the hole showed what looked like a real world. We stepped in, and all of a sudden I was on a sidewalk in a city. I looked around, the hole was gone." Where are we Mickey?" I asked. " The after life." He said. "But it just looks like a city." I said. "It is, but you never age, you live forever."
Over the next month I got to know him so well. I got over my death, and fell in love with Mickey. We lived in an apartment and It was so nice. Brynn became my best-friend, and ever day when Mickey came back he'd grab my waits and Kiss me, Until I got a job. I started working and when I came home one day, I walked in on him and Brynn kissing. Everything changed. " What are you doing?" I screamed as I walked in on my Boyfriend kissing my best-friend who has a boyfriend. " Its not what you think." He said. " Kylee." Brynn gasped. " No, I walked out and mickey grabbed my arm. " I'm sorry, Brynn kissed me." He begged. " No, you kissed me!" Brynn said. " How long has this be going on?" I cried. " Only today." He said. " She came over looking for you and then just kissed me." He said. "Its not fair, I'm stuck with Coaster who isn't as good looking or fun." Byrnn cried. " So you kissed him?" I asked. I was crying now. " Yes." She said. " Ha! I told you." Mickey said. "I'm sorry." Brynn said and then left. " I'm sorry Kylee, I love you." He said. I walked to my room.( We didn't share). He knocked on my door. " You mad?" He asked. " Nope, just hurt." I said.
Part 2 will be out soon, I hope you liked it. This is my first story.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Woowwww, I am here to review. I like things about the afterlife but this is seriously lacking on details. I guess I am going to revert my reviewing way again.
Capitalization: In this category I have seen many things wrong. For example: ~" What are you doing?" I screamed as I walked in on my Boyfriend kissing my best-friend who has a boyfriend.~ You don't capitalize boyfriend unless it is a proper noun. There are things like this throughout this but I am not going to bother pointing them out.
Punctuation: In this category, I have seen minor things but they should still be referred to as such. ~" What are you doing?" I screamed as I walked in on my Boyfriend kissing my best-friend who has a boyfriend.~ You have the quotation marks in the right places but you have them spaced out from the dialogue. They don't have to be spaced out and if you do it gets rather confusing.
Paragraphs: In this category I just want to give you a few pointers. Every time you go to a new person talking just make it a new paragraph. it makes the dialogue easy to trace so you don't have to read long paragraphs just to get to one speaker. Also you should cut up those paragraphs. It is much easier and much more pleasing to read small to medium size paragraphs than huge paragraphs.
Well that's all I saw. It was very good and has a good plot starting along but you just need more detail, and lets admit, smaller paragraphs. I'll read the next chapter!
~lost
Thank you so very much for your compliments! I'm not exactly the most professional or sophisticated writer as I am new to this as well. I'm kind of humerous when it comes to writing, I tell things truthfully like the mind of a teenager. Which is why most of my story topics are for the ages 12 to 18, I try to keep it fun and enlightening. I really appreciate your nice thoughts and I hope you read more of my story as I read more of yours!
Let me just start off saying that I absolutely love stories about the after life! I don't know why, the concept of death and what comes after just fascinates me. Also, you're writing is really good and I think it's cool how you decided to mix something like romance in with a story line so deep. Your spelling and grammar is great, but it's the layout and placing that bothers me a little.
For example, I think it's best to write in seperate paragraphs rather than one big paragraph. It's just neater and easier for the reader to follow along with. If you were to write in multiple, neat and precise paragraphs, you writing would be so much more organised and able to flow more nicely.
For another tip of advice, you want to add some detail into your story, to make it more interesting. Your preface is what really grabbed my attention, and I was gripped immediately. Although, the rest of your story seemed to lack in detail. In my opinion, I thought your choice in words could have been a bit more descriptive.
Remember, you had me at the preface, you want to make sure you keep me for the rest of the story.
But don't worry, work on your criteria and you should be on your way to stardom! I will definitely continue reading it. It's great!
Thanks for the tips. I'll try to make it better. I just started writing. It just came to me.
Can I just say I love your story Howl. I just read all three and it was great! You are very talented when it comes to writing.