Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Ghym pulled Bana's arm back, positioning her hand on her hip as she murmured brusquely, "Lower your eyelids, gel. You look terrified."
Bana started to lick her lips before she remembered the ridiculous amount of paint on them and thought better of it. She half closed the eyes made doe-eyed by makeup and looked through her lashes at the street they posed on.
It wasn't busy. Bana wasn't sure why Ghym had decided on this street where only three men were hurrying past when ten could have. As it was, these three were looking steadily at the ground.
Bana wondered if they were all in love with their wives. Then she wondered, even if they weren't in love with their wives, if any of their wives loved them. Would she breaking a heart when she… She licked her lips despite the fear of smearing red around her lips, leaning against the purple building as she pushed her hips out, smiling as she had that morning in the mirror over and over.
One of the men glanced up just for one moment. From watching and listening to Ghym's lectures, Bana could tell that he had time; he just needed a little push, a little whisper that any activity they chose to spend with her wouldn't be sinful but maybe- as long as he didn't think about the women at home- a little holy. Or so Ghym said. Bana wasn't sure selling her body could ever be holy.
Ghym intercepted- if Bana was correct on her count- the fifth man she’d shooed away, pointing them to another street. The man, as all the other men, stared at Bana for a long moment after, frowning before hurrying away.
Swamped with nerves, each delay was making her more anxious than the last. “Why do you keep doing that?” she demanded, falling out of her seductive pose much easier than she had gone into it. “You said the reason I was out here today was to actually trap one of them.”
Ghym crossed her arms. “None of them are right.”
“What are we waiting for? Prince Charming?”
Ghym laughed harshly. “You’re not like Elmanya. You’re not young enough for this kind of stupid.”
Bana had learned to ignore her tutor’s insults towards the beginning of her tutorage. She arched her brow in a question instead.
She sighed irritably. “Do you want to get hit on your first time? Or bit? Do you want a strange one?” She glared at nothing in particular. “Everyone deserves a good first one... As good as it could be anyway.” She pushed Bana back, reposing her quicker than Bana could respond to the softness she had seen for a moment. “You should listen to me regardless of what you think anyways,” she muttered and turned to cover the street in one swift glance. “Man sweeping his stoop. Across from us. Two doors to your right.”
She turned her head.
“Stop!” Rolling her eyes, Ghym pointedly looked in front of her. “Men like that one scare easily. That’s part of your job. You look pretty for the ones who know what they want and aren’t ashamed of what they want for. Then you find a way to make the shamed ones comfortable with what you have to offer.”
Bana tried to look at him covertly this time. “And this one’s ashamed?” He was diligently sweeping one green step, staring down at his work. “He doesn’t look interested.”
“He’s been out here since we have. There are three steps. He’s taking his time for a reason.” She pushed Bana onto the street. “I’ve waited for him to come over here, but he’s not going to, so you’ll have to make the move. Don’t screw it up.”
Bana looked back at Ghym in panic, but the woman just gave her a cold stare. A hot breeze was corralled by the tall buildings on either side and detoured to play with her silks for a moment. Licking her lips, she swayed her hips like she had been taught, staring at the dirt road, hoping it didn’t stain her slippers red. She didn’t look up until the first step came into view. Glancing through her eyelashes, she curved her lips up. He was on the top step now, staring at her. “You look lonely,” she murmured, lowering her voice to a soft husk because that’s what she was supposed to do and it hid the waver in her voice.
She wasn’t used to working men. She’d seen them on the streets of course, but before her fall, she had been firmly in the nobility, and the only men she had contact with were her father and her husband. They had worn fine clothes, had soft hands. Her husband had a partiality to this powder that made him smell funny.
This man had a loose white shirt with sleeves rolled up to the elbow and rough trousers. “Listen...”
She smiled up at him, leaning against the cast iron railing. She kept her expression and posture cool. The nerves boiling in her stomach were repressed into a tight ball that she could ignore. “Yes?” She met his gaze with as much frankness as she could manage under the circumstances.
She knew what her face and her body were supposed to be screaming at him.
I want you, and you want me. It’s beautiful. Let’s not waste this moment.
She watched him, smiling. “What do you sell?” she asked when he said nothing. Ghym had told her that silence was a curse, and a familiar topic could be the balm.
“Wares. Flour. Eggs when I can get ‘em.” He shrugged, obviously not wanting to talk about it. Running a hand over his face, he sighed. “Come in,” he ordered gruffly.
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Bana learned a hard lesson.
Appearance didn’t promise anything. Sometimes men where ashamed because they hid darkness. She accused Ghym of planning the nightmare she had been forced to moan and writhe through.
“You had to learn.” And she turned away.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello! It's yubbies21, here with a (hopefully) helpful review!
I liked this a lot, but it does have some room for polishing.
I'm confused, maybe you meant were?
This is a bit, oh I don't know, not enough. It's just not enough for me to feel her desperation. Try and change it so that we know how much it's ripping her in two to just smile and stand there instead of scream of confession of love.
This is a good story, a unique view on this subject. It had a lot of description, and made it a worth-while read.
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Hey there, I know I already told you what i think of this, But I found something else to write about.
I know I told you to put a divider in there, but really? That is far to elaborate, it just looks silly.
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Right? Just stick with something simple like this.
Or perhaps this.
Or maybe even something as simple as this.
Make sure you fix that up because it does something really annoying and adds a scrolly bar at the bottom for no reason.
Onto the review. I know I told you I really like this overall. It is very well written, very interesting it hooks me, its not jumpy between characters like your other episodes, and in general it is really well done.
There are so few things to point out I could just leave it as is, but since I want to help you there are a few moments where the words could be smoothed over. Most of what I am telling you are things that are really there to polish rather than improve.
The first thing was this:
Why did you pick gel as a nickname. To be honest I don't like it because it makes me think of a slimy substance you rub on sunburns. I immediately thought she had gel on her eyelids.
You just said the word lips a few words ago. Try simply saying "smearing the red." instead.
I think this would look cleaner without that strange punctuation.
Ghym intercepted. If Bana was correct on her count this was the fifth man she’d...
Just a bit of phrasing. Makes it seem like she means getting hit-on like flirting.
“Do you want to get hit during your first time? Or bitten?
I think you can make that flow nicer, it seems a very childish way to put it.
But to put it simply, I still don't like the ending very much, after the divider that is. I feel it is too abrupt, quick, and doesn't make the story. I think you should end it before that divider and put reference to the bad first time in the next episode instead. Its such a brief add on it doesn't add.
Gel is actually another word for girl that I was stealing from some cultures.
The next episode will probably start with Merin, but I'm not entirely happy with that ending either, so I'll play around with it when I come back to edit.
Though I've thanked you three times now, I'll thank you again for all of your opinions.
Maybe capitalize Gel then?