z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Snow: The Tale of a Cold Heart (Part II)

by Snowery


The wind was biting cold.

Tallon was thankful for his thick gloves and heavy, woollen cloak as he wound his way around Daston's crowded market square. The snow season was starting soon and everyone was rushing to stock up on the remnants of the leaf fall season's supplies. Even though it would not snow around Daston's region, the farming areas would be suffer terribly and future supplies would be drastically affected.

As Tallon walked he passed stalls that sold spice, fabrics, seafood, fruit and vegetables, meat, jewellery and even oddities like-

Monkey's ears! Come and get some lucky monkey ears! Straight from Kandahar!”

Tallon pushed past the shouting man and many others along the way. It was very hard to be polite in Daston's market square. Everyone was always pushing past you, pushing against you or pushing away from you. Tallon followed suit and soon learned to do some pushing himself.

The smoked beef stall. Where is that blasted smoked beef stall?

A gust of wind blew against his face and pushed off his cap exposing his wavy, brown hair. He had worn it long ever since they had arrived in Daston, and now it flopped in front of his eyes. Tallon groaned in frustration. In a crowd like this he would never find his cap. Instead he continued his search for the-

Smoked beef stall! I've found it!

Then Tallon realised that he had also found the very long queue that came with the smoked beef stall. He groaned again.

Markus will be annoyed, he hates it when I take too long.

Tallon sighed as he joined the queue and stood behind a portly lady who was blocking the view of everything happening in front of him. He turned away from his view of her ample posterior and caught sight of Daston's tower clock. Tower clocks were massive structures similar to a windmill. The difference was that at the top resided a giant open clock face. Protruding from the clock face was a platform that the time keeper would use to clean the clock or fix any problems. A wave of homesickness washed over him. It had been a month since Tallon and his sister Alitha had left Clocktower, their ancestral family home. He missed it badly and he knew that it was worse for Alitha.

This was all his fathers fault, thought Tallon angrily.

If he had listened to the Emperor, then their family wouldn't have been in danger and they wouldn't be hiding here in some peasant hole. Tallon wondered what his mother was doing. He knew that she was hiding with her family in Rissen. Probably in a comfortable house with a nice fireplace and proper food. Not that she had wanted to go. His mother had been loathe to leave her children behind but the man had said it was safer that was. The man who their father had sent to escort them said that the emperor was looking for a woman and two children. All of them all staying together would have been far too obvious. Their mother painfully consented and left for Rissen while the man took them to Daston and left them with Markus.

Markus is a good man, he had said, I trust him to look after you.

Before he left he handed Tallon a jar of strange cream.

Darkening cream for her hair. He had said, nodding in Alitha's direction. Can't do much about the eyes though.

Yes, thought Tallon, there isn't much we can do about pink eyes.

Six years seperated Tallon and his sister. After he had been born there had been three miscarriages and a still birth. Then on the fifth time came Alitha. Alitha the albino. Her white hair, porcelain skin and pink eyes had given her every appearance of a fragile doll.

When Tallon put the darkening cream in her hair, turning it a dark brown Alitha had nearly cried.

I'm so sorry Ali, he had said, but I have to.

He had to cut her hair too. The Emperor was looking for a brother and sister, not two brothers .

A chime from the tower clock brought Tallon back to the present.

Smoked beef.

Another chime.

The line is shorter but the lady mountain is still in front of me.

Another chime. Panic suddenly swept through Tallon. Three chimes had sounded and three chimes of a tower clock could mean only one thing.

The death of the Averence.

No. Please no.

Tallon watched as the hands of the giant clock face turned backwards from 2:42 to 12:56, recording the time of death. The time keeper stood on the clock face platform. He cupped his hands around his mouth and screamed, “ The Averence is dead!”

No, it can't be!

The Architect of the Clock and Keeper of Time is dead!” he bellowed. The crowd had stopped what they were doing and were watching him in silence.

Father. No, please father, no!

Tallon Carlisle Darr the Fourth has died!” the man's voice was breaking with grief, “And with his death, time will stop!”

With his last words the man threw himself off the the clock face, straight to his death. Chaos ensued. People were screaming, running or frozen in shock. Everyone was trying to make sense of what had just happened. No one noticed the seventeen year old boy standing alone with tears running down his face.

Tallon dashed the tears away with the back of his hand. He was now Tallon Carlisle Jeven Darr the Fifth. Which meant that Alitha was-

Alitha!

His sister must have heard, the time keeper was too loud for her not to have. Tallon began to run. He had to get back to Alitha. She must be crying by now. Tallon ran as fast as his legs could carry him, shoving aside anyone who got in his way.

By the time he got back to the little house they were staying at Tallon was gasping for air. He threw open their front door and strode inside. Markus was sitting on a chair whittling a piece of wood. He looked up at Tallon.

I heard what happened.”

Tallon nodded dumbly, before remembering the-

Smoked beef. I-I forgot, I-I-”

Don't worry, I'll go get it,” said Markus, “just go and see your sister. She needs you more than the beef does.” He got up and left the house.

Tallon hesitantly made his way toward the room that he and his sister shared. He gently pushed open the door and saw her crouched down in a corner with her arms wrapped around her knees.

Did you hear?” he asked softly.

She nodded slowly. Tallon made his way over to her, crouched down and opened his arms. “Come here,” he whispered.

She flew into his arms and he hugged her tightly. He stroked her short hair gently.

Tallon, what will happen now?” she asked quietly. “What's going to happen to us?”

Tallon pulled back slightly so that he could study her face. Her eyes were red but dry. His eleven year old sister hadn't shed a tear while he had cried freely in front of an entire market place. He gently held her by the shoulders.

You have to brave now Ali, do you understand?” His sister nodded. “You have to be strong now because you are Alitha Marianna the First. Alitha... you are the Averence now.”


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Thu Jun 12, 2014 5:30 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Silverlock!

It was about time I started reading something of yours too ;) I didn't review the first couple of chapters because you had some lovely reviews, and I didn't have anything to add. I have to say, this story is very good. Everything has started to tie in with each other, also the story with Lia. I wonder if they'll all be united, and what will happen to them all now. I am also curious to know what the father did that was disobeying the Emperor, and made him wanted for death. They all believe time will stop without him, so why did they kill him? Or do they want time to stop? I am a little confused here but I think that is my own brain being silly and missing something important >.> It would be nice if you could explain :) Also, is Lia Ali's mother, or are they sisters? I think they must be connected someway, because of that cream :D

Okay, now I will stop asking questions and enjoying the story to give you my feeble feedback :D

Smoked beef stall! I've found it!

Then Tallon realised that he had also found the very long queue that came with the smoked beef stall


You mention smoked beef stall quite a lot in the beginning of the chapter seeing as is where Tallon is trying to get to. I was watching for where it could get a little too repetitive, but the only case I found of this was here. I think you should say 'the very long queue that came with the popular stall.' I would imagine everyone likes some smoked beef during the cold months.

One thing I am also curious about, is why the Averence goes to her, and not to Tallon. Is it because of gender, or because she is an albino, and does it not go with age? Usually those things do happen with age, so I was curious as to why it would just skip over him and move on to Ali. A little explanation in the chapter would be nice, or maybe it's something that pops up later.

My last point (Yeah, I don't have much criticism for this because you write it so well!) is that I wanted to see Tallon's sadness a bit more. Yes he does cry, but what does he feel? Can he feel the cold wind tugging on his clothes, trying to carry him away. What is he thinking about, other than him now becoming the Fifth? Is he remembering his fathers warm smile or the fact that he was always there. I wanted to see some more things that could just take that little emotional part a bit more deeper.

I thought of one more thing! I loved how you described Ali, such lovely detail :) I can really imagine her hair and her eyes now, and how she's a small delicate eleven year old but she is also a strong girl, independent after losing something when she was younger and more mature than most her age. She doesn't even cry when she hears the news.

Markus is someone else who is talked a bit about but when we meet him, it kind of is skipped over to get to Ali. I think you should pause there a bit more. We don't know what he looks like yet, or what he is like. He seems okay that he forgot, but other than the stuttering we don't see that Tallon is afraid. Is he afraid or just ashamed that his sadness took over and he forgot his purpose for being out there? How he acts because he forgot what Markus wanted can also tell us a bit more about Markus ;)

I will keep reading ;)

Deanie x

he was crying, but what did he feel?




Silverlock says...


Deanie! <3
Thank you for your review! :) yeah, most of your questions will be explained as you read on, Birkhoff asked a lot of similar things too :) I definitely agree, my characters need more emotion, it's something i have to work on with all of them during the rewrite :) Thank you! <3



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:59 pm
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Silverlock!

Making my way through this series and I have now reached your second chapter.
In your previous chapter I did a bit of harping here and there, here however, I need to throw out lots of praise.
.
.
.
Omg! I am in love with this story! This is incredibly well written! And the other chapter and prologue makes a lot of sense now!

Ok. Ok. I should calm down.

Man, I am loving this now. Your story seemed to be a bit messy and it was kind of hard to picture it all, and while there's still some overall questions I have, its a lot more clear now.

The story is told in a nonlinear narrative. I love those so much. At least it seems like this is what you are doing, depending on how I understood the previous chapter.

In the prologue (which by the way has been justified! :D), we see the family fall, their patriarch killed and the remainder split. In the first chapter (which is the one I'm a bit unsure of), we see Lia losing her parents and I believe Lia is the mother of Tallon (The Fifth) and Alitha. I obviously think this because Lia had to use this cream to darken her hair, and now we see Alitha also needs to do this. They were both albinos. Am I right? I hope I am, cause I love it.

And obviously, in this chapter we follow these kids one month after they left Clocktower. I'm surprised it took the Emperor's army one month to kill Tallon senior though. But yeah, maybe they tortured him or something.

Having to hide the hair color totally works, as they would definately stand out and people are after them. And it's all explained very well here.

Though confusing at first, having the son also being named Tallon is also well done, as it's explained exactly who he is later in the chapter and its also a good reminder of the father character and his actions to carry on his name. I would like to know a bit more about why he chose what he chose though, and why his son didn't like it.

You revealed the ages of both the children quite good. In fact, I don't think you needed this line:

His eleven year old sister

Seeing as she was six years his junior and he was seventeen.

Ok, I think I've gushed enough about the overall story by now.

I'll write as I go along:

Edit
stock up on the remnants of the leaf fall season's supplies.
This line didn't make sense. However, remove this, and it does.

Edit
the farming areas would still suffer terribly


“Monkey's ears! Come and get some lucky monkey ears!

Haha, I love it!

Suggestion
He missed it very much and he knew that

Though valid, I think 'badly' is such an ugly word.

Edit
This was all my fathers fault, he thought angrily.
Better to actually show these thoughts, right?

Edit
His mother had been loathed the idea to leave her children behind, but the man had said it was far safer that was.
Originally quite a muddled line, I think this cleared it up.

Edit
All of them all staying together would


there isn't much we can do about pink eyes.

I'll admit, I wanted to make a pinkeye fart joke here. But then the albino thing came up later and things were all cool. ;)

Edit
three miscarriages and a stillbirth.

One word.

, not two brothers .

There's a space before the period.

The death of the Averence.

Alright, in the prologue I thought Averence was the father's first or last name. But it appears it's actually some sort of position. That's cool. I'd still like to know more about this position though. And it's relation to the Emperor. I'm sure they're connected somehow.

I really like how the father was the architect of the clock though, and how they reverse it back to his time of death.

With his last words the man threw himself off the the clock face, straight to his death.
Whoa! They all seem really broken up about it. This is getting better and better.

Alitha... you are the Averence now.

This I found very confusing though. Why is she the Averence? Even if the mother wouldn't gain the position, isn't Tallon the firstborn? Naturally he would gain it, right?

Alright, and that's your second chapter. Oh man, I really loved this. It got so good.

Unless I misunderstood who Lia was, I think I'm completely up to date. I'm really looking forward to continue reading through the rest of the series. I'll get around to those soon.

Keep it up, Silverlock!


Cheers
Birkhoff




Silverlock says...


Argh! YWS ate my reply! I'll come back later.



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Tue Dec 31, 2013 10:45 pm
joebot wrote a review...



I prefer to insert my thoughts into a story as I read it. All edits and comments are inside brackets. A [x] means I deleted something. If a sentence begins with a [?] it means I have a question.
This review is just my opinion. You don't have to take any of my advice :)



The wind was biting cold. [OOOH! Something about this was just very powerful.]

Tallon was thankful for his thick gloves and [x][woolen] cloak as he wound his way around Daston's crowded market square. The snow season was starting soon and everyone was rushing to stock up on the remnants of the [x] fall season's supplies. Even though it would not snow around Daston's region, the farming areas would be suffer terribly and future supplies would [become scarce].

[x]Tallon walked [x][among] stalls [selling] spice, fabrics, seafood, fruits[x], meat, [jewelry] and [x] oddities like-

“Monkey[x] ears! Come and get some lucky monkey ears! Straight from Kandahar!”

Tallon pushed past the shouting man and many others along the way. It was [x] hard to be polite in Daston's market square. Everyone was always pushing past you, pushing against you or pushing away from you. Tallon followed suit and soon learned to do some pushing himself.

The smoked beef stall. Where is that blasted smoked beef stall?

A gust of wind blew against his face and pushed off his cap exposing [x] [waves of] brown hair. He [hadn't cut it] since [arriving] in Daston[x] and now it flopped in front of his eyes. Tallon groaned in frustration. In a crowd like this he would never find his cap. Instead he continued his search for the-

Smoked beef stall! I've found it!

Then [he] [realized] that he had also found the very long queue that came with the smoked beef stall. [x]

Markus will be annoyed, [Tallon thought.] He hates it when I take too long.

Tallon sighed as he joined the queue [x] behind a portly lady[.] [She blocked his] view of everything [ahead]. He turned away from his view of her ample posterior and caught sight of Daston's tower clock. Tower clocks[x] [were one of Daston's greatest features]. [They boasted enormous pale faces and decorated maintenance platforms (add less instructive and more descriptive stuff).] [x]A wave of homesickness washed over him. It had been a month since Tallon and his sister [x] had left [the] Clocktower, their ancestral family home. He missed it badly[, but] he knew that it was worse for Alitha.

This was all his fathers fault, thought Tallon[x].

If he had listened to the Emperor, then their family wouldn't have been in danger and they wouldn't be hiding here in some peasant hole. Tallon wondered what his mother was doing. He knew that she was hiding with her family in Rissen. Probably in a comfortable house with a nice fireplace and proper food. Not that she had wanted to go. His mother had been loathe to leave her children behind but the man had said it [would be safer for everyone]. [x] The emperor was looking for a woman and two children. [x] Staying together would have been [x] too obvious. Their mother [finally] consented and left for Rissen while[they were escorted] to Daston [to live] with Markus.

Markus is a good man, he had said, I trust him to look after you.

Before he left he handed Tallon a jar of strange cream.

Darkening cream for her hair[,] [h]e had said, nodding in Alitha's direction. Can't do much about the eyes though.

Yes, thought Tallon[.] [T]here isn't much [to] do about pink eyes.

[Pink eyes? Horse with green eyes? This exotic eyes thing is a frightening thought.]

Tallon and his sister [were separated in age by six years]. After he had been born [his mother had] had [x] three miscarriages and a still birth. Then [x] the fifth time came Alitha. Alitha the albino. [x] White hair, porcelain skin and pink eyes[.] [She looked like] a fragile doll.

[Oooooh, the pink eyes make sense now. Also, previously you had described her hair as golden. You need to go back and correct it or offer us an explanation.]

When Tallon [had first] put the darkening cream in her hair[x] Alitha had nearly cried.

I'm so sorry Ali, he had said, but I have to.

He [x] cut her hair too. The Emperor was looking for a brother and sister, not two brothers.

A chime from the tower clock brought Tallon back to the present.

Smoked beef.

Another chime.

The line is shorter but the lady mountain is still in front of me.

Another chime. Panic suddenly swept through Tallon. Three chimes had sounded and three chimes of a tower clock could mean only one thing.

The death of the Averence.

No. Please no.

Tallon watched as the hands of the giant clock face turned backwards from 2:42 to 12:56, recording the time of death. The time keeper stood on the clock face platform. He cupped his hands around his mouth and screamed, “The Averence is dead!”

[Very powerful stuff here! Excellent!]

No, it can't be! Mother!

“The Architect of the Clock and Keeper of Time is dead!” he bellowed. The crowd had stopped what they were doing and [watched] him in silence.

Father. No, please father, no!

“Tallon Carlisle Darr the Fourth has died!” the man's voice was breaking with grief[.] “And with his death, time will stop!”

With his last words the man threw himself [from] the the clock face, straight to his death. Chaos [erupted below]. [Someone] [x][screamed],[and suddenly everyone was either] running or frozen in shock. [x] No one noticed the seventeen year old boy standing alone with tears running down his face.

Tallon dashed the tears away with the back of his hand. He was now Tallon Carlisle Jeven Darr the Fifth. Which meant that Alitha was-

Alitha!

His sister must have heard, the time keeper was too loud for her not to have. Tallon began to run. He had to get back to Alitha. She must be crying by now. Tallon ran as fast as his legs could carry him, shoving aside anyone who got in his way.

By the time he got back to the little house[,] [x] Tallon was gasping for air. He threw open [the] front door and strode inside. Markus was sitting on a chair whittling a piece of wood. He looked up at Tallon.

“I heard what happened.”

Tallon nodded dumbly, before remembering the-

“Smoked beef. I-I forgot, I-I-”

“Don't worry, I'll go get it,” said Markus[.] “[x]Go [x] see your sister. She needs you more than the beef does.” He got up and left the house.

Tallon hesitantly made his way toward the room [x] he and [Alitha] shared. He gently pushed open the door and saw her crouched down in a corner with her arms wrapped around her knees.

“Did you hear?” he asked softly.

She nodded slowly. Tallon made his way over to her, crouched down and opened his arms. “Come here,” he whispered.

[?]She flew into his arms and he hugged her tightly. [How could she fly into his arms if just a moment ago she was hugging her knees? Clarify] He [gently] stroked her short hair[x].

“[x] What['s going to] happen now?” she asked quietly. “What's going to happen to us?”

Tallon pulled back slightly so that he could study her face. Her eyes were red but dry. His eleven year old sister hadn't shed a tear while he had cried freely in front of an entire market place. He gently held her by the shoulders.

“You have to brave now Ali, do you understand?” His sister nodded. “You have to be strong now because you are Alitha Marianna the First. Alitha... you are the Averence now.”


- - - - - -


Wooooo! This was a very strong chapter! Excellent! I love the brother. Right now my sense of him is vague but he's already growing on me. You've hit the first plot point and you struck it well. I can feel the waters moving. Starting on Part III.




Silverlock says...


Hey joebot!! Thanks again for your detailed review.
I'll start by clearing up the albino thing. Alitha Marianna Darr is Tallon's sister and daughter of the Averence. The previous chapter was told by Lia, short for Ylianna, who lives in the mountains. They are completely different people. I'm worried now that it isn't obvious enough, because if it isn't I'll have some serious fixing up to do. :(



joebot says...


Aah, yeah, the names were similar enough for me to mix them up. Ali and Lia... gosh, I totally missed that! It may just me of course, I do have dyslexia so I'm more prone to that stuff.



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Wed Nov 20, 2013 11:48 pm
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GoldFlame wrote a review...



Hey, Flame here to review!

So, once again, fabulous work. I have to admit, the piece was much easier to read without the run-on sentences, and the shortened descriptions helped the reader (me) concentrate more on the plot. L.M. Montgomery always got carried away with seasoning her sentences, and I ended up skipping a lot of pages in Anne's House of Dreams. So she's inspired me to simplify my writing :)...although I often wish that I could use figurative language like her.

Enough rambling. I spotted a few grammatical errors, but no spelling errors...maybe reread your piece. There were some missing commas--most likely mistakes, but I'll remind you to use them before conjunctions in compound sentences: "Three chimes had sounded[,] and three chimes of a tower clock could mean only one thing."

I really enjoyed this. Perfect fluency and variation, and a dramatic death to grab the reader's attention. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to read more!

~Flame




GoldFlame says...


Sorry for the double submission!



Silverlock says...


Thanks for the review!
I know there are some mistakes, this one was a little rushed. I'm glad you enjoyed it though :) I'm glad I got those runaway sentences under control aswell!



GoldFlame says...


No problem! Don't worry about the mistakes; they don't affect the meaning :)...



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Wed Nov 20, 2013 6:42 pm
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lostthought wrote a review...



Welcome to YWS! A bit late but better late than never right? I am here to review!

Capitalization- everything capitalized where it should be

Punctuation- every end mark and extra stuff is there. Well except for those missing '
Remember if the noun is possessive you add a '

Grammar- this is so well written there is no grammatical issues.

Spelling- I looked through it and saw nothing misspelled. Good job

Grade- 90%
Reviewer's note- this was amazingly well written. However in the absence of some ' I had to take away part of your grade (grade doesn't really count, I'm just a nutter after all)




Silverlock says...


Thanks! I definitely agree, maybe because I'm always late!? I'm really glad that you liked this and 90% is awesome :) better then I hoped for!



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Wed Nov 20, 2013 3:30 pm
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Cheetah wrote a review...



Hello again Silverlock! Cheetah here to review your chapter!

I really enjoyed reading this chapter. There was a perfect balance between, dialogue, thought, and explanation. One of the techniques you use is very unique- I've never come a cross it before. You tend to have Tallon thinking and then something is said out loud to finish his thought.

Ex:

As Tallon walked he passed stalls that sold spice, fabrics, seafood, fruit and vegetables, meat, jewellery and even oddities like-

“Monkey's ears! Come and get some lucky monkey ears! Straight from Kandahar!”


Tallon nodded dumbly, before remembering the-

“Smoked beef. I-I forgot, I-I-”

I just thought I'd let you know that this is a very cool idea and I really like it. But be careful not to use it too much or else it might seem as though others can read his thoughts. ;)

There were no errors that I could find, well done on this! Keep writing! :D




Silverlock says...


Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you liked this :) Yeah I'll definirely be caregull with it.




the only theft here is of decency when carina decided to rob me of my pride and put me on a banana
— veeren