The oceans beck and call,
"Come to me!" they say,
While waves foam at my feet.
The waves are black and rolling,
They are churning and unforgiving.
They will take me away
If anything more than my toes
Touches the sinister water.
"Come to me!" The water calls.
It surges and tickles my toes.
The salt seems to laugh but in
The most sinister and evil way.
The wet sand squishes and it
Holds me in place.
I hear a siren song out on the water.
The waves churn and roll violently.
"Come to me!" They scream.
They each want me to step
Into the thieving waters.
These waters have claimed
The lives of sailors and captains,
And dragged those lost at sea
To the unknown depths.
"Come to me!" they scream louder
So I take a step in
And let the waves surge around me
In the pitch blackness of the Night.
I want to leave this place,
To be among the stingray and sharks.
Among the sailors and those
Who were lost at sea.
Forgive me for leaving.
And for feeling no great remorse.
For the black ocean waters
Are kinder than the surface.
I have no one to love,
Nor do I have anyone
Who wants me to stay.
So I step further into the water
And I let the ocean claim me.
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137,663 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
This poem was so well done and really paints a picture of the mental progression of depression. The imagery was beautiful and puts a twist on the beautiful sunny ocean that most people think of; they forget that it is deadly as well. This poem was sad and a little creepy at the end. Your flow was amazing and it kept my attention through every verse. I can't say anything negative about this, it was well written.
This means so much to me. Thank you for your kind words
This was really done well. ^_^
It had good flow and the metaphors were lovely. The imagery was amazing: I could picture it all from the start. I especially like fourth stanza.
The one problem I had was with the second stanza. I don't know what, but it just kind of fell flat for me. It might've been the kind of awkward line breaks after "but in" and "and it" or it could have been that I'm just not used to seeing the first letter of every stanza capitalized (I usually don't do that, and I spend lots of time with my own poetry). I also kind of missed the "come to me" in the last stanza. I feel like it should whisper, now that s/he is all the way in the water and you say it's kinder.
The ending is so sad and beautiful. You really did a great job. This is a quality poem.
~Fortis
I really appreciate your comments. I definitely love getting any tips I possibly can. I totally see where you're coming from with the thing about stanza 2. Thanks for the review! And I love your avatar
Hey there! Beccalicious94 reporting for reviewing duty!
I am going to start off by saying this is one of the stronger poems I have read on YWS. I actually disagree with AlexSushiDog and think the lack of rhyme scheme is perfectly appropriate for the nature of the poem. Immediately from the first stanza, the reader is drawn in by yoru use of vivid verbs. I love the way you personify the water, and I become curious why the water is as 'sinister' as you describe. by the third stanza it is clear how powerful water is and it provides a good setup for the resolution of the poem. I like how the last stanza is different from the first four, and is personal. I also like how it relates back to the water's character, and I feel empathy towards this poor narrator. Keep up the good work, and write on!
Thank you so much! I'm really glad you found empathy with the narrator and I'm happy you liked my poem. Thanks for the review, you rock
Hey! I'm the AlexSushiDog, here to review this corner of the world of poetry!
First of all, I liked the style of poetry and the personification of the sea. I think it comes to a very well done climax as the sea claims this poor sailor. I also liked "The waves are black and rolling," it felt really dramatic and made me really see the waves instead of just words! I also liked that the oceans "voice" increases from say to scream which, at first, is unnoticeable, but when you do see it it really brings the sea alive
Now I am sorry, since this is a review I have to find something for you to improve, otherwise this wouldn't really be a review!
First of all you really need commas at the end of each line, it wouldn't be grammically correct if it didn't have them.
Next up!
I think the final line kind of messes up the rhythm of this verse. However if you removed it all together the number of lines would be incorrect; maybe changing this line?
Finally, as a suggestion, you could maybe make this rhyme? I hate rhyming myself but I think this type of poem could really benefit from a strong rhyming pattern.
And as I always say, this is your work! So if you want, ignore all I say!
Stay cool!
Thanks. And I like your profile. Yeah, I thought that without the rhyming it sounded more like a short story.
I think it still seems like a poem but it would have more of a flow with rhyme.