Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Other

E - Everyone

This Darkness of Mine

by SalemTheSolemn


Everyone has fun while I'm just here

Just awaiting life while death feels so near

I can hear the sounds of my voice crying out each night

And everyday my depression reaches new heights

I try with all my might just not to give up

But the more I get going the more the going gets tough

This life is rough, man I know

With what I've gone through I don't have to be told

Why must this world be so cold?

Why must everyone you love grow old?

Love

Is that even really a thing?

With the way things have been going its hard to believe

I can't see the light at the end of this dark road

Is there even a light?

Darkness is all I see

It envelopes, surrounds, takes over me

Will there ever be anything

Anything other than bad that life brings?

I'll believe it when I see it if it ever finds me


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 268
Reviews: 14

Donate
Tue Nov 19, 2013 2:12 am
modernzombie wrote a review...



Depressing, but I'm a major fan of dark poetry. Overall I think this good (: you can feel the emotion coming off of it, the sadness and tradigty the narrator has gone through. I'm not sure if I like the line "this life is rough, man I know" it almost sounds kind of slang I guess but that's just a personal opinion. and also towards the end of the poem you kind of stopped rhyming or you changed the rhyme which makes it awkward to read in some places .i loved the beginning but It could use some work towards the end,I think the concept and everything is really good! If you like dark poems you would probably like the one I wore titled "it's going to be okay.. That's all lies" check it out if you have time and good luck writing in the future !




User avatar
67 Reviews


Points: 2314
Reviews: 67

Donate
Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:06 am
AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Hello there, here to review.

This was a nice poem, but it was really depressing. It looks like you don't care about life anymore (I hope that's only the poem and not reality...). I liked a lot how you made the poem rhyme and how you structured some of your verses.

But the more I get going the more the going gets tough


This is probably my favorite verse, and I don't know why.

However, there are some things that I find are not very good.

Though like is rough, man I know


I actually don't understand this verse at all, so I can't really give you any suggestions on how to improve it. Also, I think this poem might be better if you put periods, but that is your choice. I also find that you did well by putting several questions in this poem, because life is incomprehensible. I don't seem to find any spelling or grammar mistakes.

That's all I have to say, the rest is very good! Congratulations and keep writing.

-Alfonso






Thank you for the help^___^ Also, the line that you pointed out was meant to have the word life rather than like. I mustn't have caught that when I went over it.



User avatar
166 Reviews


Points: 1135
Reviews: 166

Donate
Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:03 am
Cheetah wrote a review...



Hello Salem. Cheetah here to review your poem.

This was so emotional. You're a truly fantastic poet. The most emotional line, I think, is here:

I'll believe it when I see it if it ever finds me

Wow, this was powerful. In this line alone, you clearly expressed sadness, hopelessness, and the feeling that you've been forgotten. Amazing.

The one thing I saw was in this line:
[quote]Though like is rough, man I know[quote]
I believe by 'like' you meant 'life'.

That's it! I'm grateful for the privilege of reading such an amazing piece. Well done!






Thank you so much :3 I will go change that line really quickly. I didn't even notice it xD



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 473
Reviews: 33

Donate
Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:59 am
bubblybubbles101331 wrote a review...



wow. This is so deep. It does seem a little depressing, but I like it. There is so muich absolute emotion radiating from it. I could feel myself in the shoes. It makes you see the real life these days, how tough it is going to be. And when you ended saying that you would believe it whwen you see it if it ever finds you, I loved it. It had an absolutly astounding dramatic effect. Very well done. I am very much impressed. I hope to see more soon.






Thank you (: I'm working on a new piece now. Hopefully it will be up by tonight!




You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...
— Dr. Seuss