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Legend of L'Karr Stone: Rise of the Mech-Warriors (Chapter 1)

by LastSilverH3r0


Part 1: Perfection

Chapter 1: Relocation

It is a dark day. The train is slower than it ever was before. Maybe it is the rough thoughts on the mens’ minds, or maybe it was just because of the blistering cold outside. Shane and L’Karr can’t exactly sit in the safety of the peoples’ cart; they have no money to pay for it. And so they sit on the open carts containing dogs controlling a few small monsters. The ground is wooden with hay spread across it. The dogs are weary of the two human men. The monsters, being babies, are curious and stare unblinkingly. They are kuchakka, a type of over-sized blue rooster-looking bird. They grow large and often become good riding animals. The two men are heading to Tellistra Village, a small town roughly four days on foot from Estrada, the largest city in the area.

The wide open country is very different from the city. The skies are a deep oceanic color, rather than a smoggy blue-green. The land zips past, though most of it is just lightly tinted green fields anyways. So much is left to discover in Ark.

Shane is deep in thought, then looks over to his brother, who is trying hard to fall asleep.

“We’ll start a new life,” he speaks in encouragement to his younger brother. L’Karr just sits there, not acknowledging Shane’s words, as if believing that they were spoken to someone else. Shane’s face turns serious. He wants to say something else to L’Karr, but can’t think of what it is, and looks down at his wrist. A shining silvery claw is wrapped around it. He is left handed, which is an odd trait, but indifferent all the same. It meant that instead of carrying extra weight on his right hand, it is placed on the left. A Silver Hero, a gift from Crimson. Ah, Crimson. Such a beautiful place. He thinks back to when he was there; to when his parents could take them anywhere. They were rich. Their occupation was something like detectives. Now they are gone. Tears well in his eyes.

L’Karr looks up for a moment to see his brother in this weakened state. He scowls.

“They’re gone, Shane,” he mutters apathetically. “Gone. Get over it.” For a moment he feels as though his words might have been a little harsh, but he closes his eyes again and tries unsuccessfully to sleep. Shane shakes his head in disbelief of his brother’s unsympathetic attitude. How could he not feel even slightly sad?! His parents are dead! Dead! What the hell is the matter with him?!

“We’ll find jobs in the square in the morning,” Shane says, moving past the previous conversation. “Try not to get into trouble, L’Karr.”

The younger brother grunts in response. He places a hand on his blade, a large, wide sword made of iron and wood. Not a very impressive sword, but under the right Sand Fighter... it is legendary. L'Karr wishes that he would just hurry up and complete his class. His goal is to surpass his brother. Secretly... he longs to be as powerful as Shane. But he would never let him know...

That’s when they see it. The train begins to slow down and the view of Tellistra comes in full and beautiful. L’Karr doesn’t look up, but Shane is in awe of the sight of the town. It is lush and green, and the buildings are large and brightly colored. People walk about the streets hastily, stuck in business mode. When they are close enough, the train stops for a moment to let off a few people. Shane and L’Karr swiftly hop off before it picks up again and blasts off to a different town.

“Where’s the house?” asks L’Karr, now looking around the town.

“It should be about a mile in that direction,” answers Shane pointing north, past the train tracks.

“A mile?” L’Karr grumbles.

“Don’t worry. Living here won’t be all bad,” the older brother attempts to reassure.

“I’m sure it will be just...” the younger hesitates, his voice trailing off. A girl comes into his sight. Though she is mostly covered in a cloak, L’Karr can see her face. Soft and pale, a set of bright green eyes. A single dimple on the side of her smirk. Her face is shaped as a peach, and radiates a certain fierceness. But then she looks away. L’Karr looks back at his brother.

"Perfect," he finally whispers. Then he smiles.


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53 Reviews


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Mon Nov 25, 2013 5:00 am
Deifyance wrote a review...



Hey, there! Deifyance here to throw something sort of like a review at your story.

This is cool! You describe scenes and places and things well. However, you could tighten up your story beats a little more. Try and say what you need to say without saying it. Example would be instead of saying "His parents died." try and convey this or show it without straight up saying it. It pulls me out of your flow. You could also do this with the left handed thing. Instead of saying, "being left-handed is weird." show it through reactions of those around him. Maybe he does something ordinary with his left hand and someone looks at him weird, thus giving us the hint that it's not normal.

I like the world you have set up. And, speaking of set ups, try and set more things up without explaining them. The silver Ring thing for one. Don't explain what it is and everything, leave some mystery. Only put it in if it's going to pop up later. This is called a pay-off. (A story is full of set-ups and pay-offs. It's the backbone of mystery or suspense stories. Harry Potter is famous for these.) So, instead of telling us what the ring is about, just mention the ring in some sort of description. Maybe he's looking at it while thinking to himself. Then, pay it off later when it comes into use. It makes the audience go: "Ohhhhh, NOW I see!"

I enjoy your story so far! So I shall continue! You have set enough things up to make me want more, but you could do so much better! This has some real potential!

Blessings!
-Deifyance




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Mon Nov 18, 2013 8:57 pm
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EloquentDragon wrote a review...



ED here to review. Welcome to YWS, by the way. I noticed that you've been doing a couple of reviews here and there and thought you deserved a fair turn.

So this reminded me of well, a really weird mix of Star Wars, Halo, Pokemon, Avatar (the Last Airbender) and LotR... lol.

First things first though.
I'll go with a "list" style here, as opposed to one huge paragraph of text. Hope you don't mind. ;)

1. The prologue isn't really a prologue... it's a summary. Like what you find on the inside sleeve of a book cover. It doesn't add anything to the story... it's just there. And it's sort of distracting. I would suggest that you cut it out entirely, especially since you manage to convey most of that information in the first chapter anyway.

2. The first chapter, as a chapter, is way too short. Generally speaking, chapters should run between 2,000-4,000 words. You might have felt that no one wants to review something that long, but at any rate don't rush things. You can post stuff on here once you feel satisfied with it. Which leads me to...

3. Please run a basic grammar and/or spell check before posting. I could have spent this whole review nit-picking, but I'm sure if you go back and read over everything you can pick up most of what was wrong. Sometimes, it helps to change the font. You stare at the same kind so long just switching things up helps your brain to pick up mistakes it had previously read over and over and ignored.

Now on to the story:

4. I really feel that you should consider changing the view point here. Right now, in third person POV, it's hard to tell if you're writing this from Shane's or L'Karr's perspective. Definitely choose one main guy to narrate from. You might switch POV's in between chapters, but pick one main view point character. I would almost reccomend that you change this to first-person, for example, take this section here:

It is a dark day. The train is slower than it ever was before. Maybe it is the rough thoughts on the mens’ minds, or maybe it was just because of the blistering cold outside. Shane and L’Karr can’t exactly sit in the safety of the peoples’ cart;


and switch it to first person, like here:

"It is a dark day. The train is slower than ever. Maybe it's the rough thoughts in my mind, or maybe it's just because of the blistering cold outside. It's not like me and my brother can exactly sit in the safety of a People's Cart.

Barely changed, but I think it sounds more natural. Maybe just writing in 1st comes more natural to you, thus that style bleeds over into your third person prose. Just think it over.

*Also, I wouldn't that be a train car? Not a train cart?

5. Show, don't tell. You do a pretty good job in some parts, mostly with the conversation section, but then it lags in other areas. Describe this world, because we have never seen it before. Use vivid imagery, be visual. Chose specific and unique details to highlight... don't highlight every detail, just the ones that are important to the story. But describe. Usually it's better to add too much and cut back later then not adding enough. Your characters don't live in a white, blank, page. Bring this world to life, paint us a picture of what it's like to live here.

6. Don't give backstory yet. You can reveal the stuff about their parents later, but right now, focus on establishing the setting. What's going on in their world right now? What is a Sand Weilder or whatever? You've given the reader a lot of questions here, and you need to provide answers. My advice here is to try and be as brief as possible. As I've said to many others before, bury the exposition in the events of the story itself. Also on that note, wait to describe the weapons that they use until they actually, well... use them. It doesn't make sense to through in random descriptions helter-skelter. Pick logical places to reveal details. Speaking of which:

7. If they're 28 and 20, it probably won't effect them as much as if they were younger. I would suggest making them younger. It creates a more dire situation, and they will be easier to write if they're closer to your age.

So anyway, it looks like you have your work cut out for you because of the difficult setting you have created. Just make sure the reader understands what's happening. Try and read back over what you wrote with the mindset of an outsider. What makes sense? What doesn't? Clarity, (as I have also said many times before) is key.

Interesting ideas though, develope this into a solid premise. I think you've got something here.

Hope I could help!
~ED






Thanks man, I appreciate the honesty and the help. I can really use this to change the mistakes I didn't even think about before.



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Mon Nov 18, 2013 2:12 am
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Frosting wrote a review...



Well. I liked it.
Down to business, then.

I noticed a few grammatical issues, as well as inconsistency with your spacing. In multitudes of your paragraphs, you wrote your sentences that were said by your characters inside of them. In others, you spaced them, like normal. I am officially confused.

Onto the grammatical mistakes/capitalization mistakes, you wrote "perfect," he finally finishes, in whisper, with a smile. First off, too many commas. Also, capitalize perfect, and make a period where that comma is. It just doesn't make sense. I would have it look like this:

"Perfect." He finally finishes in a whisper. He then smiles.

Just an opinion.
Keep writing this, I very much liked it, aside from the issues I had with it.

-Frosting






Thanks for your time in reviewing it, and I'll get right to editing those mistakes!



Frosting says...


How do I edit my stuff?





Go to where it says "publishing center," click on the work you want to edit, and you can change it from there.




To have more, you have to become more. Don't wish it was easier - wish you were better. For things to change, you have to change, and for things to get better, you have to get better.
— Jim Rohn