Hey Rikki!
I'm sorry it took me so long to continue this series, however, I finally got around to it again.
I'll be going through them quickly and I have a lot to comment on, so I'll get right to it:
As there are a lot of repeating mistakes, I might not cover absolutely everything.
Edit
Edwards and Jason decided upon paying a short visit to Articus. According to them, it sounded like an interesting excursion. They were aware that they needed a written permit from Governor of Global Sea Operation, Mr.George Stevens.
A discussion was held between Jason and Edwards.
This is where the storytelling in the piece takes a wrong turn. It seems like you are not really telling a story, but rather explaining everything, overly explaining. Instead of letting the story unfold as the reader reads it, everything is spoonfeed to them. It reads almost like a script, which it is obviously not. A short expansion to this sentence would make it look better and more natural. An example: Before meeting with Mr. Stevens, both Edwards and Jason had a discussion about their tactics for convincing the Governor.
Edit
So far, you continue using this method of dialogue with no quotation marks and without describing anything during these conversations. I know you improve on this later, as they are vastly improved, so I guess I'll find out where you shed them down the line. Also remember the space between ending one sentence and starting another. The same goes for commas.Edward: I hope it's time to visit George Stevens, and that he permits us to be in the Articus sea base.
You also need to decide what to call your character. Edward or Edwards. You keep changing it up.
Edward(very cleverly):
As I said, the storytelling takes a wrong turn here and the dialogue doesn't work when written this way. You allow no descriptions and tell nothing of the scenes when there is dialogue. Writing their feelings, their actions et cetera in brackets is definately not acceptable.
Jason took out his metro car and both of them boarded it.
The way this is written makes it sound like he just pulls it out of his pocket. Mini car?
Edit
There are also too many checkpoints here. 50-100? No.The two friends got into the chamberofafter Digital I-Card verification
Suggestion
As they entered the room they noticed he had an F71 15th generation laser blaster on the table.
Suggestion
Jason: Hello, my name is Jason and this is my friend Edwards, and we would both like a written permit to visit Articus.
Edwards(thinking of George Stevens as stupid and started explanation):
Again, don't put this in brackets. This entire paragraph is also way too long and over explained. It's also not very convincing, but that was probably the point. I did laugh at the killer shark and giant whale lie though.
Suggestion
This somehow fooled Stevens and he provided them with a written permit.
pack our bags and have a nice sleep in our respective homes.
Very important: Character development. So far your story has little to nothing of this. In fact, during this conversation Edwards kind of sounds like a robot.
Alright, that's chapter two. So far, both chapters are a little too short in lenght and it has a big amount of issues. But I know you improve as you write this and its interesting to see the development.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
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Reviews: 212
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