Young Writers Society

Hi, I'm Celticmusicgirl and I'm going to review this piece today.
First, I really liked this piece. This was very interesting. However, there were a few small errors I would like to point out.

First of all, you said "Truth. As a girl the term had always seemed warm, inviting, and wholly good. Now Macy knew it was cold, dark, and with fangs that could rip apart the soul." I like your description but I think it would be better if you said "Now, Macy know it was cold and dark with fangs that could rip apart the soul." Just reword it and it will be a great sentence.

Secondly, you said "She struc herself across the cheek as punishment for being so weak."
It should be struck I believe.

Thirdly, You said "If they hear you crying, they'll coming running to 'comfort' you." I think it should be "they'll come running to 'comfort' you."

Fourth, you said, "The older ones never get adopted, and getantsy." It should be "get antsy."

Lastly, I noticed once or twice you accidentally forgot to capitalize "I."

Overall, this is a very good piece. I would like to see more of this story. Please PM me when you post more of this.

Hey there.

Your introduction post intrigued me to the point that I decided to check out if you'd posted anything, and, lo and behold, you did.

Overall, this is pretty good. I couldn't spot grammar mistakes save for 'struc' (might want to add in a k there).

I found it curious when you said this was long. This is actually pretty short from what I've seen on yws - not that chapter length matters, the important thing is that you deliver a piece of information which is complete, or perhaps incomplete enough to make the readers curious. You did the former, it works. We have a very cliche orphanage, and a very cliche main character.

Something about the narrator's voice disturbed me... greatly. How old is Macy? She sounds, in points, like a crotchety old woman.

With their emotional trauma from being raised in a place like this, and having a fine picking of young girls strewn about, what else could you expect? Teenage boys have a very low sense of morality when it comes to that.

Truth. As a girl the term had always seemed warm, inviting, and wholly good. Now Macy knew it was cold, dark, and with fangs that could rip apart the soul. Truth hurt people. Lies mask their eyes until they're ready. Macy learned that much too early.

The other comment from Cheetah was pretty good, and I don't need to add anything in that aspect of reviewing, so I'll talk more about the context instead. This was amazing, and I don't normally enjoy things about something so cruel. I can't explain it, but it's great! Keep up the good work, and I'll keep liking.

Ok, yeah, I have to admit that that was well written, but do you think you could write about something a little less depressing. I absolutely hate the idea that there are boys out there who seek to take the advantage of girls simply to get a little pleasure from it. This is not at all a pleasant topic and unless you plan on putting a good moral into the story, I would not continue. Sure there are lots of good novels that I've read about rape, but it's just devastating and it tears me to pieces. But, I can tell that you do have talent and if you honestly believe you can write about something this deep, then go for it. It could be a real eye opener to a lot of people, which is something a lot of people might need to hear.

Anyways, the best of luck to you. ...sorry if I sound too critical.

Hi, Cheetah here to review your piece!

I like your style of writing. You kept me hooked and this was very clear and easy to read. There's not really anything wrong with it, that I can see. One thing though, your welcome to put in whole chapters if you want. I guarantee you people will read them and you'll probably get better reviews if they read the story in chapters rather than parts of chapters. I can't wait to read more!