This snow that blows
on such a gray day,
Flies through the skies.
The world is filled with snow.
I can hear the wind blow.
‘Tis a frosty day.
All the trees are turning gray.
You’ll see snowflakes fly
if you just look up at the sky.
Over the ground we fly
on this blizzard of a day.
You can hardly see the sky,
but you know that it is gray.
This wind continues to blow.
The streets are slick with snow.
We huddle together to hide from the snow.
All around us the flakes fly.
But our bones are still chilled from the wind that blows,
This wind etches the stars in the sky.
The moon is ghostly gray,
but night always turns to day.
I shiver beneath this gray,
a desaturated dome, the sky.
I await a warmer day.
I wish for a fire with embers that fly,
but my imaginary fire goes out with a blow,
and is replaced by this infernal snow.
When the world is covered with snow,
everything seems gray.
It is a night wind that blows,
but I await the bright white day,
In anticipation my soul seems to fly
and dance in the nonlight of the skies.
I wish for the warm blue skies,
where no trees are gray,
a place where there are butterflies.
But I’ll miss the cold one hot humid day,
I’ll miss these cold winds that blow,
I’ll miss these streets filled with snow.
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This poem is a sestina. That means I use the same six words at the end of every line for six stanzas, and then use two of those words per line for three lines at the end. but here, I put that at the beginning. Apparently they are supposed to come in a set, rotated pattern, but oh well, I did the rhymes in a set pattern so I count that as enough.
I'm so glad you posted this Alpaca!
I really like it.
I get that it's a sestina, so I get the repetition. One thing about the repetition though that I just want to point out, "snow" is both a noun and a verb, but you only use it as a noun. I think it would feel slightly less repetative if you used it as a verb somewhere. I also don't like that when you use "blow" you only use it with "the wind."
The rest of this I love. And I love how you turn it to hope at the end. ^_^
This was all very effective. Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
Yup. That is exactly how I feel. Very good imagery and nice vocabulary. Although, reading through the other comments, I have to agree that you did use a lot of repetition. True, this isn't a bad technique. It can be a very effective tool, so long as it is not overused.
I really like how you used the gray to describe winter, which is something that would normally be described as white. This makes it more intriguing, but once again, you used the word gray a little more that you should have. I would recommend substituting it with a few different words or phrases such as: "dark and dreary" or "damp" or "wearing a wreath of ashes" or "charcoal" or "gloomy" or "unusually depressing" .... I don't know, just use that vocabulary!
Anyways, I wish you the best of luck in your writing efforts!
It was a sestina, honey. That means I use the same six words at the end of every line for six stanzas, and then use two of those words per line for three lines at the end. but here, I put that at the beginning. so yes, sestinas are very repetative in general. ^^
Thanks for your review!
It was a sestina, honey. That means I use the same six words at the end of every line for six stanzas, and then use two of those words per line for three lines at the end. but here, I put that at the beginning. so yes, sestinas are very repetative in general. ^^
Thanks for your review!
I see, that makes more sense. Can't say I much care for that style of poetry, but I guess the results were definitely good!
Thanks! And I don't usually, but heavily patterned poetry is something you have to learn to write at times. y'know, for creative writing class!
Hey there! Knight Onyx is here to review your lovely poem.
Comments
This is just a thing I saw that really stood out as I was reading throughout the poem. I did notice that you continued to use the same words over and over again. Though it might be significant, I wouldn't, in my opinion, use them that often. It sounds a bit repetitive, though it does give it a meaning with the words that you have used. Though I am not the best at writing a poem, I kind of take it through a story style for me so it is easier to understand, weird I know. Though nothing was bad, you are a very great poet. I like how you use a few literary devices through the poem. It gives it more of a different style than what I have seen. Only one thing that really stuck out though!
Just a question, are you trying to use rhyme with your poem? If so, it tends to change and vary in each stanza or verse. Though in the first one there is not any rhyme to it. Just something to look at.
Over all
As I said before, only one thing that really stuck out. Great job, I am honored that I get to review this for you! It means a lot to me that I was able to! Sorry if it is a day late, had some stuff I had to do yesterday! If you ever need anything reviewed, feel free to send me a message! I will be more than happy to give you some more reviews. If you have any questions feel free to send me a message and we can chat. Thank you so much for your time and keep on writing my friend!
That was a sestina poem, my dear^^
Oh! I don't know poems very well... It is not really my thing! I'm sorry! >.<
That means I use the same six words at the end of every line for six stanzas, and then use two of those words per line for three lines at the end. but here, I put that at the beginning. so yes, sestinas are very repetative in general.
Thanks for your review!
Sorry Alpacalypse! I don't know poems... I suck, ha-
Hi Alpacalypse, have a good day! Thankfully, I also like to write a sestina. So I try to review as far as I could. I noticed you give three lines of the poem at the opening. While I often write it as the final stanza. It's a difference for me and it was so creative. I believe you wrote it with the correct format.
I like the implied meaning behind this verse. Although snow is really white, you describe it as a 'gray' when snow covers the colorful world before (all the leaves fall and etc.) Actually, almost all Sestinas written in Iambic, but it's okay if this is your first sestina.
There is nothing much I could say, just amazing poem to me. Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers
Thanks for your review, and no, that was supposed to be nonlight.
I actually didn't know sestinas were supposed to be in iambic pantameter... oops. I did try to make it rhyme in a very specific pattern though, and that was hard:
ABABCC/CBCBAA/ACACBB.... with the final rhyme in the stanza start the next stanza.
Hi Alpaca!
I liked reading this. It has a nice story to it, and it's very suiting seeing as winter is coming. It had an okay rhythm. It was good towards the end, but I think in the beginning the rhythm was a bit choppy. This could be due to having a lot of short sentences or pauses. Try and iron some out so it gives the poem a more rounded feel to it.
I have to agree with Alfonso about the repetition bit. Although the narrative was good, the same old words used every time kind of lacked in the creativity bit. I could see how you tried to keep the rhyme the simple and the same, but it would be nicer if you could experiment with some other word endings. And it would also help suit your poem a bit more, because at times the sky wasn't gray, but you couldn't go into anymore detail other than the word grey. It was kind of limiting like that.
What I think you should do is keep some of the verses, and maybe add some others in or alter some so they better fit the poem. Try out some different rhyming words, and perhaps even add in some other poetic techniques. You should check the forums if you don't understand what I mean, because I know there are some good tutorials and explanations there.
Looking forwards to reading more of your work!
Deanie x
It was a sestina, but I can understand if you didn't know what that was or didn't notice it was one. That means I use the same six words at the end of every line for six stanzas, and then use two of those words per line for three lines at the end. but here, I put that at the beginning. so yes, sestinas are very repetative in general. ^^
Thanks for your review!
Oh thank you for informing me. I guess then that it is okay
Hey there, here to review.
Let me start by saying that I liked this poem. At first I thought that you didn't like winter and that your piece seemed to show a negative image of it, but you nicely turned that around in the last two verses. Your descriptions of winter are true, sometimes we get to hate it, and there are several details that I liked, like when you said "this infernal snow.", which seems pretty paradoxal to me.
However there are a few things that I think make your poem a little less better.
For example your repetition of the words snow, blow, day and gray seem excessive to me. I noticed as I kept on reading that you did it in purpose, but after a while I find that you repete it a little too much. Also, the beginnings of verses are usually put in capital letters, but that is also the writer's choice. Other from that I didn't really find any errors, so good job.
Congratulations, and keep on writing,
-Alfonso
Haha, yes I guess that was a bit paradoxal. I did the repetition because it's a sestina! That means I use the same six words at the end of every line for six stanzas, and then use two of those words per line for three lines at the end. but here, I put that at the beginning. so yes, sestinas are very repetative in general. ^^
Thanks for your review!