Young Writers Society

Knight Dragon, here to bestow the first review of Order of the Dragons, KotGR's first knightly Order.

Technical:

"Once upon a time ago"

That "ago" is just sitting there very awkwardly. It's like you wanted "Once upon a time, long, long ago" and then threw out the longs because you thought they'd make the line too long. I'd suggest throwing out the ago as well.

"Lived a body of vile"

A body of vile what? You just stop, and I'm left wondering what the vile could be. Or do you mean a cordial type of vile? Then that would be vial. But that doesn't make sense either. I think you need to either reword this sentence, or add another word.

[quote["Conspiracies relevant
Nothing compares the size
Challenging their faith
Compromising pain
Break of dawn seeks
But nothing will remain"[/quote]

This is one of the most awkward portions of the poem. It doesn't flow at all. You have no punctuation throughout the entire poem, and here is a good example of where punctuation would come in handy. It would help to emphasize what you want accented, show the breaks and pauses, and give the reader some direction.
But even then, there are still some wording issues that won't be solved with punctuation. For example, why are conspiracies relevant? To what? What doesn't compare the size, and what is that size it's comparing? What is the break of dawn seeking? There are so many ambiguities and uncompleted thoughts throughout this poem, but they really become apparent in this section.

"You call your faith holy
When all there remains is grief"

The "there" should be "that".

"Now, evil spreads domains
The seed has reaped lives"

The first punctuation in the poem, and it feels extremely odd. When it's right behind the "Now" in that sentence, it makes it seem like you're trying to tell us something completely novel that either we'd never thought of before, or would have had no idea could ever happen. It comes across as "Hey, here's something you didn't know about evil before. Ta-da!" If you toss the comma, it gets the point across a lot better.
And there's a very awkward line just tossed in there. It seems like you're trying to make as many references as possible, but you're sacrificing the integrity of the poem to do so.

"In shadow we'll rot"

Personal preference: "shadows" instead of "shadow". My mind mentally made that correction/addition as I was reading through it, and it sounded much better.

"The darkness hidden in"

That "in" just seems to dangle. After a quick reread, I realized it's there to rhyme with "sin". But remember that "hidden" ends in a vowel sound similar enough to "sin" to be considered an assonance. Please get rid of the "in". That word just sticks out.

Hope this helps!

ED here to review. To tell you the truth I grabbed this guy since it was the first one at the top of the list. But then I noticed your title. It's nice, but cliché, and doesn't seem to do much for the poem. I personally consider the title to be part of a piece as a whole, so I really like to see when a title encapsulates the mood/tone or subject of the piece. This one seems to do neither. Also, I have not read/seen/watched Silent Hill at all, so if there are references in here, sorry that I missed them.

Once upon a time ago

In a city off the shore

Lived a body of vile

The town sleeps no more

The first line seems odd and misplaced, maybe that's because it is so unconventional. Also, I believe you are trying to rhyme? Make sure you keep that consistent throughout the rest of this. It has a sort of jarring, off-beat flow to it, and as a result seemed a little stale to me. Maybe try reading this out loud. Also, that last line of this stanza... seems incredibly out of place. And what is a "body of vile?" Vile what? It seems contrived for the sake of the rhyme.

In the times of desecration

And peace is unheard

The slain of religion

Leave man and child inert

Poetry of course, does not follow normal grammatical rules. That being said, this here is still a technical nightmare. As a result, I have lost the meaning of it. I don't know what you were trying to say. Maybe revise to something more along the lines of:
In times of desecration,

when peace is unheard,

the slain of religion

leave man and child... (inert?) I get what you are trying to say, but that word seems a bit odd there.

The horrors of its past lives

The terrors beneath rise

Conspiracies relevant

Nothing compares the size

What is the "its" referred to? The "body of vile?" so far, that's the only applicable subject we have here. And "conspiracies relevant nothing compares to the size" is problematic itself. I get that you are trying to be vague, but maybe that is better accomplished through imagery and word pictures (which this piece seems to be mostly devoid of.) The hashed grammar is making it hard for me to get into this.

This section right here could be edited like so, without losing much of the meaning.

Challenging their faith

Compromising topain

At the break of dawn seek

But nothing will remain

Every word has a specific importance. Even the most miniscule ones. Forgo basic clarifiers and you risk losing a reader's interest and understanding. It starts sounding like a morse message. Choppy and indirect.

The town still burns of its past

They won’t find relief

I don't really like that first line there. I think you were trying to convey that the town "smoulders in the ashes of its past," (to use a writerly cliché) but I real feel that this doesn't work here.

Now, evil spreads domains

The seed has reaped lives

Easily revised to :"Now evil spreads its domain," (switched where the "s" sound falls there.) Also, how does a seed reap? A seed of what? "Try to break free, Try to survive" is rather weak. We've heard it before. Why not eliminate those two lines and expand on the seed concept?

Living in fear

Hiding in darkness

Wanted to help

But hiding instead

This whole stanza is rather dead, I think. I've seen it before, is why. It's ordinary, undynamic, and devoid of fresh meaning or imagery.

The ticking of a clock

Then suddenly not

Fate left us here

In shadow we'll rot

I like this here. It's familiar, yet not too familiar. Enough difference to be interesting, and the rhyme is natural. In short, it works.

Under the covers

The darkness hidden in

The darkness is hidden in covers? What? This doesn't make sense here, and it should probably be clarified. Especially considering the direct clarity of the following two lines.

Living horrors within

Does this mean that they are living through inner horrors? This too does not seem to work the way you intended it to.

To briefly sum up, you have an interesting germ of a poem here. Religion and zombies is what I got out of it. However, it needs to have a "beat." A pattern, an ease and flow to the reading. Especially, especially since you've chosen to use Limericks paired in four lines. The rythm needs to flow, it needs to click. Right now it seems ungainly and rough. It's stale, nothing is particularly interesting or dynamic as far as imagery goes. Look for originality. There is a lot of poetry out there, you can't afford to use common words. By saying that I don't mean go overboard, but do look for some new perspectives that you could give us on this.

Cheers,
~ED