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City of Undying Secrets

by KingofTheDamned


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Once upon a time ago

In a city off the shore

Lived a body of vile

The town sleeps no more

In the times of desecration

And peace is unheard

The slain of religion

Leave man and child inert

The horrors of its past lives

The terrors beneath rise

Conspiracies relevant

Nothing compares the size

Challenging their faith

Compromising pain

Break of dawn seeks

But nothing will remain

You call your faith holy

When all there remains is grief

The town still burns of its past

They won’t find relief

Now, evil spreads domains

The seed has reaped lives

Try to break free

Try to survive

Living in fear

Hiding in darkness

Wanted to help

But hiding instead

The ticking of a clock

Then suddenly not

Fate left us here

In shadow we'll rot

Under the covers

The darkness hidden in

Only the daylight

Will save you from sin

Time to pay up

Living horrors within

Finding the answers

The dead rise again

Inside the town of Silent Hill

You won't believe

Once you enter

You can never leave


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63 Reviews


Points: 45
Reviews: 63

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Sun Nov 24, 2013 9:13 am
Storybraniac wrote a review...



Wow! Nice poem. I wanna go inside the town of silent hill. Must be nice and spooky. The poem was very nice and Spookily explained. ( I am being super dumb). Writing this poem must have needed a lot of thinking and corrections but all it needs is hard work. But don't you think the sentence

" Once upon a time ago"

Is a bit babyish. You could have improved it by writing

" a very long time ago"

Because once upon a time is used in nursery stories and all (so babyish). But it's your opinion because it is your poem. Oh and please donate some points cause I am in need of some. Thanks. :) :) :P




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508 Reviews


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Reviews: 508

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Sat Nov 09, 2013 4:19 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to bestow the first review of Order of the Dragons, KotGR's first knightly Order.

Technical:

"Once upon a time ago"

That "ago" is just sitting there very awkwardly. It's like you wanted "Once upon a time, long, long ago" and then threw out the longs because you thought they'd make the line too long. I'd suggest throwing out the ago as well.

"Lived a body of vile"

A body of vile what? You just stop, and I'm left wondering what the vile could be. Or do you mean a cordial type of vile? Then that would be vial. But that doesn't make sense either. I think you need to either reword this sentence, or add another word.

[quote["Conspiracies relevant
Nothing compares the size
Challenging their faith
Compromising pain
Break of dawn seeks
But nothing will remain"[/quote]

This is one of the most awkward portions of the poem. It doesn't flow at all. You have no punctuation throughout the entire poem, and here is a good example of where punctuation would come in handy. It would help to emphasize what you want accented, show the breaks and pauses, and give the reader some direction.
But even then, there are still some wording issues that won't be solved with punctuation. For example, why are conspiracies relevant? To what? What doesn't compare the size, and what is that size it's comparing? What is the break of dawn seeking? There are so many ambiguities and uncompleted thoughts throughout this poem, but they really become apparent in this section.

"You call your faith holy
When all there remains is grief"

The "there" should be "that".

"Now, evil spreads domains
The seed has reaped lives"

The first punctuation in the poem, and it feels extremely odd. When it's right behind the "Now" in that sentence, it makes it seem like you're trying to tell us something completely novel that either we'd never thought of before, or would have had no idea could ever happen. It comes across as "Hey, here's something you didn't know about evil before. Ta-da!" If you toss the comma, it gets the point across a lot better.
And there's a very awkward line just tossed in there. It seems like you're trying to make as many references as possible, but you're sacrificing the integrity of the poem to do so.

"In shadow we'll rot"

Personal preference: "shadows" instead of "shadow". My mind mentally made that correction/addition as I was reading through it, and it sounded much better.

"The darkness hidden in"

That "in" just seems to dangle. After a quick reread, I realized it's there to rhyme with "sin". But remember that "hidden" ends in a vowel sound similar enough to "sin" to be considered an assonance. Please get rid of the "in". That word just sticks out.

Hope this helps!






I appreciate the critiquing. I've always found outside influences to not quite be my strong points when writing. Only so much can be portrayed, so the aspect of story-telling becomes a little watered down for me. I have an original piece of this that isn't so...well, like this. The beginning is actually an opening statement. But in this, it was meant as a bit of a song. Wrote it out for a Black Metal piece, so it has some of those elementary aspects in it. I will probably plan to rearrange some of the parts into my liking. Something that may flow better.



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Reviews: 192

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Sat Nov 09, 2013 3:36 am
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



ED here to review. To tell you the truth I grabbed this guy since it was the first one at the top of the list. But then I noticed your title. It's nice, but cliché, and doesn't seem to do much for the poem. I personally consider the title to be part of a piece as a whole, so I really like to see when a title encapsulates the mood/tone or subject of the piece. This one seems to do neither. Also, I have not read/seen/watched Silent Hill at all, so if there are references in here, sorry that I missed them. ;)

Once upon a time ago

In a city off the shore

Lived a body of vile

The town sleeps no more


The first line seems odd and misplaced, maybe that's because it is so unconventional. Also, I believe you are trying to rhyme? Make sure you keep that consistent throughout the rest of this. It has a sort of jarring, off-beat flow to it, and as a result seemed a little stale to me. Maybe try reading this out loud. Also, that last line of this stanza... seems incredibly out of place. And what is a "body of vile?" Vile what? It seems contrived for the sake of the rhyme.

In the times of desecration

And peace is unheard

The slain of religion

Leave man and child inert


Poetry of course, does not follow normal grammatical rules. That being said, this here is still a technical nightmare. As a result, I have lost the meaning of it. I don't know what you were trying to say. Maybe revise to something more along the lines of:
In times of desecration,

when peace is unheard,

the slain of religion

leave man and child...
(inert?) I get what you are trying to say, but that word seems a bit odd there.

The horrors of its past lives

The terrors beneath rise

Conspiracies relevant

Nothing compares the size


What is the "its" referred to? The "body of vile?" so far, that's the only applicable subject we have here. And "conspiracies relevant nothing compares to the size" is problematic itself. I get that you are trying to be vague, but maybe that is better accomplished through imagery and word pictures (which this piece seems to be mostly devoid of.) The hashed grammar is making it hard for me to get into this.

This section right here could be edited like so, without losing much of the meaning.
Challenging their faith

Compromising topain

At the break of dawn seek

But nothing will remain


Every word has a specific importance. Even the most miniscule ones. Forgo basic clarifiers and you risk losing a reader's interest and understanding. It starts sounding like a morse message. Choppy and indirect.

The town still burns of its past

They won’t find relief


I don't really like that first line there. I think you were trying to convey that the town "smoulders in the ashes of its past," (to use a writerly cliché) but I real feel that this doesn't work here.


Now, evil spreads domains

The seed has reaped lives


Easily revised to :"Now evil spreads its domain," (switched where the "s" sound falls there.) Also, how does a seed reap? A seed of what? "Try to break free, Try to survive" is rather weak. We've heard it before. Why not eliminate those two lines and expand on the seed concept?

Living in fear

Hiding in darkness

Wanted to help

But hiding instead


This whole stanza is rather dead, I think. I've seen it before, is why. It's ordinary, undynamic, and devoid of fresh meaning or imagery.

The ticking of a clock

Then suddenly not

Fate left us here

In shadow we'll rot


I like this here. It's familiar, yet not too familiar. Enough difference to be interesting, and the rhyme is natural. In short, it works.

Under the covers

The darkness hidden in


The darkness is hidden in covers? What? This doesn't make sense here, and it should probably be clarified. Especially considering the direct clarity of the following two lines.

Living horrors within


Does this mean that they are living through inner horrors? This too does not seem to work the way you intended it to.

To briefly sum up, you have an interesting germ of a poem here. Religion and zombies is what I got out of it. However, it needs to have a "beat." A pattern, an ease and flow to the reading. Especially, especially since you've chosen to use Limericks paired in four lines. The rythm needs to flow, it needs to click. Right now it seems ungainly and rough. It's stale, nothing is particularly interesting or dynamic as far as imagery goes. Look for originality. There is a lot of poetry out there, you can't afford to use common words. By saying that I don't mean go overboard, but do look for some new perspectives that you could give us on this.

Cheers,
~ED






It was originally a piece inspired by a game called "Silent Hill: Homecoming." The game personifies this poem to a more "full" extent. It's an incredibly scary game with mystery/suspense aspects. I tried my hand on it and this is what I kind of got. Not all of my poetry is this elementary, but most is pieces I write I rarely get reviewed badly. If you like, you may critique those as well.





Reviewed badly? Mean, I thought this was bad or they are in bad need of reviews? heh.

I didn't think this was bad though, just rough. You should refine it, maybe take out the Silent Hill reference, and then it would be pretty good.





Didn't say it was a bad review, I just said that this is one of my weak poems. I admit that, actually. I've done better. I also know that I can get even better than I am at it. I do honestly appreciate the feedback, though.




It is most unlikely. But - here comes the big "but" - not impossible.
— Roald Dahl