Young Writers Society

Ok so I lied, it's been like three days since I said I'd look at this. But I made it eventually.

You know prose isn't my strong suit, but here are my thoughts anyway. First, the pace is excellent. The short sentences mixed with those of medium length effectively push the pace without becoming onerous. While I'm not usually a fan of first-person present-tense narration, its deployment here is quite fitting. It really helps add to the tension, while still allowing lulls for more interesting writing. Very Hunger Games. Some of the imagery with the water and grass is really cool too. I also really like the idea of humanity being brought to an end by something as innocuous as grass rather than war or disaster or all the other things that usually cause fictional apocalypses.

Ok, now as always the fastest way to improve something is cutting the less-necessary bits.

“There’s no time, you retard!”

look into those ruthless blue eyes of hers.

This girl will be my wife someday. I will have my first sexual experience watching the grass creep slowly over her breasts as she sleeps in the early morning sunlight. I will call her a stupid bitch when she tells me I’ll never see my parents again. I will massage her feet, dress her wounds and cook whatever meager scraps she gleans from the wreckage of civilization. Together we will build broad circles of fire to keep the Kentucky-blue away from the beds of our adopted children. And when our hair is gray and we are too old to run I will hold her hand, lay with her on the earth, and let the grass creep over our lips, penetrating our lungs with their soft green blades. But I will never hate her more than I do at this moment, when I am twelve years old, running beside her through this open field, watching the seeds of Armageddon ravage everything I love with endless life.

This is awesome.

The only thing I would suggest is giving the reader a bit more insight into what's going on. Not a ton, but personally the grass confused me. I couldn't tell if it was lethal thing because when it covered the dog it seemed like it was killing him (that's how I read it anyway) but then you go and say:

I will have my first sexual experience watching the grass creep slowly over her breasts as she sleeps in the early morning sunlight.

Hey, BadNarrator! FireFox here to review your piece on behalf of the Apple Dumpling Gang, though there isn't much to review! This piece was damn near flawless!

As with all pieces of work, there were a few grammatical errors here and there, but no spelling errors that I could see. Of course, this is no worry until you get to your final draft. For now, the focus should be on plot and characterization. Additionally, I was a little confused at the end... I understand our MC is 12 years old. I guess I assumed that the MC was a girl... But then, I wondered if he/she is a boy, because of the insistence on being with this blue eyed girl forever and marrying her. I suppose the MC could be a boy or girl, but I just wanted some clarification.

All in all, great piece, and I agree that I would enjoy it if you expanded it! Your imagery is flawless and I love you inclusion of the animals that also had to flee. The bit about the dog made me sad, though. But very well done!

-FireFox

Hello! I am The Raven, Knight of the Green Room, and I will be reviewing your work at this current moment. My review will be divided up into the sections 'What Is Good' and 'What Needs Improvement/Suggestions'. I've enjoyed your work, so you should do just fine. Now, let's get down to business.

What Is Good:
1) I like the mood and environment you've set up right at the beginning. A surgical gown, a two-legged dog, a bald goat with a wire sticking up and flying sea urchins. My gosh! It's pretty well done. I like the desolate and hopeless imagery - it really seemed like the end of the world as we know it. Well done!

2) That said, I believe the literary use of amnesia at this time is well played. Despite amnesia being a well worn device used by many, you've managed to place it tactically in your work. It doesn't seem out of place, and neither does it seem convenient for your main character to have amnesia - it's believable, considering where he'd come out from. Moreover, by giving your main character amnesia, you've ensured that the flow of information is regulated so as not to be too overwhelming. Not to mention, this steady flow of information for us ensures an air of mystery. It's good for the environment you're setting up. Nice.

3) I thoroughly enjoyed your ending. I especially like how you've managed to use the soft and lush, hopeful imagery of grass as an imagery of hopelessness, sadness and death, combining it with the already stark, desolate and hopeless imagery set up right from the beginning. It's a little trippy too, and in literature these days, trippy = good literature. But really, the way you've made the ending open-ended allows for multiple interpretations. I could see the grass taking over everything as literally, or metaphorically. Either way, it's meaningful. Well done.

4) The pacing is amazing. I like how there's a burst of information followed by a counterpoint of pure dialogue/no info. It's almost music.

5) The characterisation you've done is pretty good. Neither are they stock characters nor are they Marty Stus/Mary Sues. I like how the girl has both likable and insufferable characteristics, how she might potentially be an anti-heroine. And I like how there's always something hovering over the distance where these characters are concerned. It didn't even bother me that I won't learn much about them in the end either.

What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1)I feel that the dialogue counterpoint paragraphs is a little off though. Out of tune, if you will. Try to see what will happen if you make them a little longer. Otherwise, a tinsy bit shorter.

2) Otherwise, I'm afraid I've ran out of points for this section because your short story's very well done. I suppose the only other thing is to make it longer? We can never have too much of awesome stuff. Because at it's current word count of about 923, it is a little too humble - calling it a short story may be a little too much. It looks more like a flash fiction.

Other than that, I really have nothing else. Extremely well done! I enjoyed it! Kudos to you! Well, I hope my review has helped. Keep writing!

I absolutely love this my mate. In my eyes it's everything a short story should be you have managed to create a great sense of panic and urgency just through the simple use of dialogue which reflects panic. Also nice touch with mixing the character's past present and future without breaking a step. However I'm not sure on what the Armageddon is that they're running from, from what I read are they just running from grass?