z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Hell's Gatekeeper (Chapter 5)

by Basil


“Cleo!” Daniel yells.

“I’m awake, I’m awake!” I growl, getting out of bed.

My feet get tangled in the sheets, and I fall flat on my face, hitting the ground with a loud thud. Daniel pauses his knocking, and I can’t help the cry of pain and frustration that leaves my mouth. Daniel comes into my room and I roll onto the floor completely.

“Are you all right Cleo?” He asks, walking over to me. He bends down and helps me sit up.

I rub my forehead. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. You know, I always love being woken up with my door practically being smashed in,” I snap.

“You’ve slept for nearly four days, and you’re still snappy?” Daniel asks, incredulously.

“Only when I’m woken up!” I retort.

He chuckles. “Ok. I don’t blame you anyway,” he says. He looks away, and then his face lights up. “Oh, right, I forgot to say … I’m going into town today. If you want to come, have a shower and get dressed now. I’ll have breakfast ready for you and we’ll leave when you’re ready, ok?”

I nod slowly, not quite sure what he’d just said, as he gets up and skips out of my room. I sit on the floor for a few more seconds, bewildered, before the rest of his words sink in. I get up quickly, my feet fumbling to find purchase on the carpet, and I practically sprint into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I strip and pause, half in the shower, half out.

I have been asleep for nearly four days. I smell absolutely horrible! I turn on the taps and have a quick but thorough wash. When I get out, I dry my body, and then tie my hair up in a quick ponytail. I walk out of the bathroom and dress in a simple, grey T-shirt with a black cat on it. I get the black jeans I was wearing a couple of days ago, and I’m surprised to find that they’ve been washed and ironed. I put them on and then grab my jacket. I put on some cool shoes with zips on the sides with all kinds of patterns and colours.

I have a quick look in the mirror and then walk out of the room. I all but run down the stairs and into the kitchen. Daniel is eating some food, and he pushes a bowl of come sort of cereal with milk in front of me. I sit down, take a deep breath, and then start eating. I’m finished in nearly seven spoonfuls, and smile at Daniel.

“I’ve never met anyone who’s so excited to go into town,” he says, and then considers his words. “Then again, no one has gone to town with me.”

He makes it sound like a horrible thing. “Well … I’ve just had lots of sleep and I’m full of energy. I’m allowed to be excited. Even if it is just going to town,” I say, literally bouncing in my seat.

Daniel smiles. “Ok, but I’m going to have to take a gun or something,” he says.

“Why?” I ask, my face falling.

“Because, Aphrodite seriously loves you. All the guys are going to want your number … I haven’t asked before, but, do you have a boyfriend?” Daniel asks.

I chuckle. “There’s ne guy who thinks we should be crazy in love with each other, but no, I don’t have a boyfriend. I’ve never found a guy I’ve ever liked like that before,” I tell him.

Daniel’s eyes light up momentarily, and then he tries to act casual. “Well, that’s a shame. I bet any guy would be lucky to have a girl like you in their life. Best of luck then,” he says.

I roll my eyes. “What about you? You seem like a real catch with the ladies,” I say, though I already know the answer.

Daniel looks away. “Ever since my mum died, no one has wanted to have anything to do with me,” he says.

I put my hand over his, and smile. “Well, I’m here for two and a bit weeks. I’m happy to be your friend. Even after I go,” I say.

Daniel looks at me with total happiness in his eyes. “Really? You’ll seriously be my friend? Even though I’ve been a total arse?” He asks.

My smile broadens. “Yes, yes, of course.”

Daniel smiles. “Well then, lets go to town. And you said it was your birthday the other day … I think it only fair I get you something,” he says.

I baulk. “Oh no, you don’t have to. No one has gotten me a gift for … well, a long time,” I say, catching myself before saying four hundred years.

“I insist,” he says.

I laugh. “Alright. If you insist.”

“I do.”

We leave the house in good spirits. We walk down a gravel road for some time in silence until we get to a turn off, where the road becomes bitumen. Daniel leads me to a sign and we wait.

“What are we doing?” I ask.

“Please tell me you’ve caught a bus before,” Daniel says.

I shake my head. “Nope. Never in my life.”

“So what you like … ride camels and horses everywhere in Egypt?” He teases.

I punch his arm. “Hey! We rode elephants, camels and horses, thank you very much,” I correct with a laugh.

Daniel looks at me sceptically. “Isn’t that illegal though?”

“Now it is but not when I was in Egypt,” I counter.

“How long ago was that?” Daniel asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Ten years … maybe more or less,” I answer. Just add two more zeros, and that’s how long.

“Ok, point taken,” says Daniel. He suddenly perks up. “Oh look here comes the bus!”

A big green and white vehicle pulls up in front of us, and Daniel waits for two glass doors to open. He climbs up some stairs dragging me along with him, and gives the bus driver some money. He pulls me down an aisle, and into some seats near the front. I spin around to look at the other passengers, but find none.

“Where’s everyone else?” I ask.

“They won’t be on the bus yet. But trust me, when we get closer to town, the bus will be packed!” Daniel says, sarcastically merry.

I laugh. “Well, this should be interesting,” I assume.


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9 Reviews


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Reviews: 9

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Wed Dec 11, 2013 12:48 am
Rosamunroe says...



.... more soon ? lol this story is why i come online these days.




BasiltheCat says...


OMG thank you so much!!! I shall do lots of reviews then so I can have up the next chapter!!



Rosamunroe says...


wonderfull !!!



BasiltheCat says...


^^



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9 Reviews


Points: 240
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Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:17 pm
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Rosamunroe says...



fantastic c;




BasiltheCat says...


Thank you!



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 4:41 pm
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FireFox wrote a review...



Hey, there, Basilthecat! FireFox here to review your piece on behalf of the Apple Dumpling Gang!

Needs Improvement:
1. Grammar/spelling. This is a given. But this is not to be worried about until your absolute final draft. Just remember that you do need to assure that your grammar and spelling is up to par upon writing your final draft!

2. The dialogue seems a little... forced. Try listening to how people in real life talk and try to imitate that. That's what I had to do. Your characters emotions are obvious, as your description is great, but when your character is sarcastic, they seem to be overly sarcastic. When your character is happy, he/she seems to be overly happy. There needs to be a middle ground.

3. You use a lot of words like "yells" and "said" and "grunted," which is fine to use occasionally, but sometimes there is no explanation needed. Sometime those become repetitive and can cause your reader to grow tired of the story.

Admittedly, I have only read this chapter of your story so far, but I have enjoyed this chapter and look forward to reading the others. I am very interested in this, especially when you mentioned that no one had gotten the MC anything for her birthday in 400 years! I had to do a double take! Very clever move on your part, as the author!

-FireFox




BasiltheCat says...


Thanks. I will take to account what you said, and hopefully my final draft will be better!! ^^



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557 Reviews


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Wed Nov 06, 2013 2:15 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



In that last sentence, I wouldn't use the word infer. "Infer" connotes thoughts, not speaking.
You're still doing great with your present tense! (I usually slip into past about three paragraphs in, so kudos to you.)
Try to vary your sentence structures. You seem to start with the word 'I' a lot, which I understand since the writing is done in first-person, but it gets repetitive.
Also, I find that most authors only talk about clothes if there's meaning behind them. We don't need to know every little detail, only ones that will enhance the story. (It would be okay, however, for Cleo to tell us how remarkably attractive Daniel is and why.)
Also, I feel that the story is stalling here. The characters are just dawdling, and there isn't an obvious problem.
But, now onto the compliments!
You have a great vocabulary, and aside from the sentence -starting problem I addressed earlier, the writing is very mature.
I also feel like I'm getting a slightly better picture of Daniel, so that's good too.
Cleo is well-written as being witty, though I'd like it if her reactions to modernization were a bit more realistic. (I know she's hiding it, but at least show her thoughts on how strange we twenty-first century-people are.)
Great job on this one! -Buggiedude2340




SageN says...


Thanks (again)!! I really do appreciate the comments.




I regret everything.
— Ron Swanson