Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was a cold autumn night. The trees bristled about with such a vivid color, the wind cold against my bare face. It felt like just the perfect night. Ariel and I were taking a late midnight walk around the neighborhood. We stopped right in front of the old MacnTosh house. Legend says that the house was built on top of an ancient burial ground and whoever lived in the house was cursed. Others say that there was once a man who lived there and did weird things like experimenting on the dead to bring them back to life. But of course none of that could be true. Could it? "Ariel, I don't feel so good. Can we please go back home?" I pleaded." No! I don't want to go home. Either you go home and tell mom why I've gone missing, or you come with me inside and explore the house." She said confidently. As if I was going to take orders from her! This is the girl who once at ten alive snails and five toads alive just so a boy would take her tithe school dance! Ariel and I can be very different, but yet very alike in so many ways. She has strawberry-blonde hair and I have plain jet black hair. Her eyes are the softest blue you could possibly imagine and mine are hazel. She always fits in with the crowd while I always stand out. But we're both the same height and have the same parents. Only I have my fathers side while Ariel gets my super-model mothers side. Both of us love scary movies though, we never watch one without each other. And this might shock some of you, bits Ariel and I are twins. Born June 7, 1999 at John C. Lincoln's Hospital in Richmond,Virginia. Yep, she gets the looks while I get the weird stares. I reluctantly nodded my head and in we went into the old house.

This story has me hooked right away. I can't wait to read more, however, this slightly bothers me. What parents let their children walk alone (even if they have each other) at midnight? I can catch on to all the no-nos they are making. Also, the fact that Ariel has eaten ten snails and five toads alive creeps me out! What is going on in her mind?!
One thing though, so far I have read why the twins are different. I haven't read anything that make them alike besides the fact they are twins and like scary movies. What makes them alike? Do the have similar personalities? Have the same hobbies?

Okay, one more thing, earlier the girl claims she wasn't going take orders from her, but she agrees to go in to the house with her. Did she decided to go for herself or because she gave in to Ariel's demands to go in the house with her?

Well, for starters remember to start a new paragraph whenever a new character begins speaking...
Some transitions between different subjects would be nice. It seems a little jumpy.
It would be nice if you had cleaned up a little before posting this... There are typos and missing apostrophes.
I don't understand what strawberry-blonde means-does Ariel have highlights?
I think some details on what the house looks like would have been nice. In my mind, it's only fit the bill as spooky because of it's history.
I like your verb choices!
-Buggiedude2340

Mmmkay! You requested a review, and here I am to give it!


One thing to do Queen, we can ALL see the chapter 2 if you post, and no one subscribes, mmkay? You have to look at their works to see if they post, that's only how people know you post a new work. When you follow someone, you get to know what they post on their wall, what new works they post, and what they like (via the People tab).

Enough with the tutoring! Time for the review!

You have several things you could fix. Describe the cold Autumn night! How cold was it? What color was the sky? Add more detail, as that is a pretty plain introduction to this story, and it doesn't interest me in the least, sorry to say.

Let's think about this, what parent's allow Teenage girls to go walking around at midnight? Take this into consideration. I doubt many parents allow it. To add suspense, they could have snuck out. Consider revising that okay?

Work on your formatting, after someone says something, its a brand new paragraph.

Make this more appealing. You tell us about the girls in the end, we wanna know who they are, what they're doing. Then bring in the house, and make sure to describe it.

Why did the narrator give up so easily? Why doesn't she argue with her? Work on that too! And one thing, some want the humor, but make the humor more appealing to us, this is very similar to Maximum Ride, and remember, use your own humor, I know you have a lot of it!

We've all done it, and we always want others to fix that, for example, instead of using a humor already used, make your own, let your own humor come through the writing. For me, I make my characters use Irony. (Irony is when something is a bit opposite. I think you know).

Let your characters be their own person, would Ariel really make her sister go into a 'cursed' house? Remember, the characters are themselves.

Why am I going so far? I did this same thing, and want to help.

When you continue writing this, make sure the characters are themselves. They have their own personality. They do things a certain way. You don't control them, you just lead them through their lives. Mmkay? Okay!

This was pretty good for a beginner, you'll earn your wings (*wink* *wink*) yet!

Love and hugs from your friend,

SW or Alex

This has potential, but right now, it's pretty choppy.
I like the relationship she has with her sister, but it could be more developed.. Per se, maybe the mc feels that she is her sister's shadow? Or, she wishes she could be more daring like her sister, Ariel.

As for grammar:

"This is the girl who once at ten alive snails and five toads alive just so a boy would take her tithe school dance!" That, should be structured like this: In attempt to force a boy into asking her to prom, she once ate ten alive snails, and five toads.

"She has strawberry-blonde hair and I have plain jet black hair. Her eyes are the softest blue you could possibly imagine and mine are hazel." Correction: She has strawberry-blonde hair, and the softest blue eyes; whereas I just have plain jet-black hair, and hazel eyes.

" She always fits in with the crowd while I always stand out." Correction: "She is somewhat generic, while I'll try to be unique.

"But we're both the same height and have the same parents." Correction: "Although, despite our many differences, we're the same height. (You don't need to mention that they have the same parents. They're sisters, it's common sense that they do.)

"Only I have my fathers side while Ariel gets my super-model mothers side." Correction: I take after our father, while lucky-Ariel gets our super model mother's genes.

In all honestly, this is is poorly structured. The grammar definitely needs some work.
I'd like more descriptions of the "Macntosh house", it would give the reader a visual image of it.
Overall, this isn't bad. It just needs polishing.

- Supermeggs.

This work has already left the Green Room and received plenty of attention. Regardless, I was driven by the need to read, so I came here, and selected this piece. Admittedly, this piece did not stir my soul as much as the others, but it is an okay read regardless. Anyway, I am The Raven, Squire of the Knights of the Green Room, and I will be reviewing your work at this moment. My review will be divided into the sections What Is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions.

Note: I will explicitly try not to cover what has already been brought up in the previous reviews. Namely, grammar and language issues. Now, let's get down to business.

What Is Good:
1) There is some semblance of good character development. I like how you've differentiated them so far. You've made them interesting enough - twins who aren't alike. Huh, this I gotta read. I like the family dynamics introduced.

2) I like the specificity of your details. Their birth dates, their place of birth, their home state, the way they look, the way they operate in public. This helps with the above, and it helps to emphasize the realism of the situation. Generally, it makes your characters and the story all the more believable.

What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) You started off the story very well with some good descriptions, but you stopped short far too quickly. Give us more! Tell us more about how the MacnTosh house looks like? Why does it have such a weird name? Give us a taste of how the neighbourhood itself's like. What are the effects of the MacnTosh house on the neighbourhood and the local denizens?

2) That said, this story lacks substance. The brevity, rather than being an advantage, is a tell-tale sign of it. It does not have a solid skeleton, being too short to be a complete skeleton, and it's balled up so tightly it resembles a clump of flesh. You should spread the plot out, and then flesh out individual bits of the plot more thoroughly.

3) This is not so much a critique of the story but more of a critique of your policies. As a writer, you write for the pure enjoyment of writing itself. To write for the sake of currency in the form of money or in this site's case, in the form of 'subscribes' and 'likes' and 'reviews', would only mean a lot of disadvantages, such as:

a) Inconsistent performance; You write when someone's giving you money/subscribes/likes/reviews, but you'll stop when you don't.

b) Incompletion; There is no guarantee that you'll ever finish your work, since there's no guarantee that you'll get what you sought for. Since your work won't be finished, it won't see the light of day fully, and the fruits of your labour won't be fully realised.

c) Incapacitation; In having the wrong motivation, you might be affected strongly by your desire to gain money/reviews/subscribes/likes, or other emotions associated. This might cause lapses in your judgement while you write, resulting in poorer writing overall. This feeds into a) and b). In general, it's a no-win situation.

Well, that's all I've got. I hope I've helped. Keep writing! And remember, I know I might sound a little strict and harsh, but I care about those I review. Ultimately though, it is up to you if you want to implement what is suggested in a review. Good luck!

'This is the girl who once at ten alive snails and five toads alive just so a boy would take her to her tithe school dance!'

When you say the part about snails
1. It doesn't make sense
2. You said alive twice in the same sentence

If you say it out loud to yourself, then you can hear the mistake.

'And this might shock you, bits Ariel and I are twins.'

Don't you mean 'but' instead of 'bits'?

All and all, this is pretty good since Halloween is coming up. Keep it up!

Hey, I'm Sarah and I'm here to review!

Now, this is an interesting read. I like the way it was written, it seems like someone is reading to me and it had that old vintage tale about it, you know? I like the voice, it's very strong and powerful. The title is pretty straight forward if I say so but the house name isn't, it's unique! The story is unique!

Okay, so there's a few tweaking's that can be done about this. First being this:

""Ariel, I don't feel so good. Can we please go back home?" I pleaded." No! I don't want to go home. Either you go home and tell mom why I've gone missing, or you come with me inside and explore the house." She said confidently."

This needs to be edited. When a person is speaking in a story, it's important to make sure that they're on a separate line per speaker. This is for two reasons, one is because it helps the reader tell apart the people that are speaking. Two being that it looks neater.

"It was a cold autumn night. The trees bristled about with such a vivid color, the wind cold against my bare face. It felt like just the perfect night. Ariel and I were taking a late midnight walk around the neighborhood."

I feel there needs to be more description in this part, in some of the story content in fact. It'll make the reader imagine that scene come to life. However, this seems like you're shoving all the information down my throat so it's not letting me paint that picture in my mind.

This also need paragraphs.

Overall, I love this idea! It's really creepy and spooky and stuff but I feel with a few tweaks, this will be an awesome piece of work!

Please don't feel offended by this review. I was only trying to help.

Catch you later!

Hi Queenprincess2001, this is quite interesting to read. Written in a relatively short sentence structure but still can bend the readers.
I think, I oftentimes read stories like this. Mysterious house in the neighborhood and how characters is given its significance in implementing the plot of the story.

Legend* says that the house was built on top of an ancient burial ground and whoever lived in the house was cursed.

(e.g)But of course none of that could be true. Could it?

"Ariel, I don't feel so good. Can we please go back home?" I pleaded.

" No! I don't want to go home. Either you go home and tell mom why I've gone missing, or you come with me inside and explore the house." She said confidently.