z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Trapped

by ShadowHunter


I have been trapped, trapped for so long by the white walls. So instead of remaining trapped, I create worlds.

In my realities, I am whatever and whomever I want to be. I am a pirate, an adventurer, an explorer, a sorceress, a dragon, a queen. I travel my realms again and again, sometimes by sea, other times by air. Each time something new and exciting happening.

I board another ship and stage a mutiny; I discover a magnificent Egyptian tomb or an underwater palace. I swim with sharks and face down danger on a daily basis. I can visit all of the places I have only heard of and can never visit, can only dream about.

In my universes, I am God. No one makes a move unless I tell them to, and the only people who ever get hurt are the one that I command to get hurt. If something goes wrong, I can rewrite it, or simply start all over again, because I am the master in my creations.

I have been trapped, trapped for so long by the padded white walls and the jacket that pins my arms to my chest. So instead of remaining trapped, I create worlds.

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5 Reviews

Points: 474
Reviews: 5

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Mon Nov 04, 2013 10:46 am
0rki3 wrote a review...



This is really good, i love the imagination in it. I would love to see it as a longer story, put into more detail on these worlds and the story beind them. I love the idea behind this, as you can really throw the net out and draw in anything to build around. It's different, and I like it.

Though I agreee with @KnightTeen with the fact that you need a different word other than "worlds" as it gets too repetitive.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece of text and hope the review helps a bit. Keep up the good work!

0rki3




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394 Reviews

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Mon Nov 04, 2013 3:22 am
KnightTeen wrote a review...



I think that this is very good. I don't know what exactly to call it, but I like it.

The only thing is, I think that you should find a synonym for "worlds" and not use the word so much. This kind of repetition so close together makes it look like something went wrong with your copy/paste tool. The same thing applies to the word, "create". While not used a lot like the aforementioned, "worlds," it is used more than once. I think you should replace it with another word.

This is why I write. I could never put it into words, but you have. Thank you.

KT




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508 Reviews

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Mon Oct 28, 2013 5:05 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to bestow my 350th review upon you. Congratulations!

Technical:

"In my worlds, I am can be whatever and whomever I want to be"

You need to pick one of those two verbs and go with it. I think you might have had "am can be" because you hadn't decided between the two and didn't go back and edit it out, but it's there.

"I travel my worlds again and aging,"

I think you meant "again and again", not "again and aging." If you did mean the latter, then you need to explain it.

"the only pope who ever get hurt are the one that I command to get hurt."

Um, I think you had an auto-correct moment there. Did you really mean "pope" or were you going for "people"?

"that pins my arms t my chest."

Your "o" in "to" got dropped there.

Hope this helps!





I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother