Huh. I felt drawn to this piece somehow. Maybe it's because it's a subject matter that I'm familiar with? Interesting. Anyway, I am The Raven, Squire of The Knights of the Green Room, and I will be reviewing your work at this moment. My review will be divided up into two parts, What Is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions. Now, without further ado, let's get down to business...
What Is Good:
1) I like your descriptions of the persona's emotions, how she felt and how it was all translated into both physiological reactions and further mental torment.
2) Instead of a clichéd happy ending, you opted for an ambiguous ending that leans more towards the darkness. What's best is that you didn't do it for the sake of subverting conventions or just being different. I can see the point in you doing this - through the darkness, you're shedding light on the lack of social and mental/emotional mobility in such a disadvantageous situation. Well done!
3) The brevity of your work indicates that it is not even a flash fiction. I've never believed in such in works shorter than flash fictions. To me, they are the product of an impatient society with the attention span of a goldfish's demand. However, I see now that there is some merit in such works that could not even be considered flash fictions. Or at least, there's merit in this one.
Pray! You've given me so much more! I've had an epiphany! Isn't the 'short flash fiction' to the short story/novel as the haiku is to normal poetry? ShadowHunter, you are a genius!
From now on, I shall accept short flash fictions and not shun it so!
What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) Anyway, there is always room for improvement. I believe that it would be better if you do not quote her thoughts, but instead let it meld with the rest of the narrative. I see no point in differentiating them. Aren't they all their thoughts? The narrator doesn't look like an older version of herself, as it is all in present tense.
2) There are some language issues. A few words could be taken out to improve the flow of the narrative, such as...
oblivious to the fact that I felt as if I would die of hurt at any second.
I tried my best to contract it further, and got this: 'oblivious to how I felt I would die of hurt any second.' Of course, this may not be what you want, but you know what I mean.
I cry myself to sleep that night, just like I do every other night,
Also, your narrative's in present tense right? However 'that night' implies that the narrative is set in the past, therefore it implies that the tense you use, although a stylistic choice, might be grammatically wrong. 'I cried myself to sleep that night' would have been the grammatically correct choice, it seems.
but when tomorrow comes
Also, never forget to capitalise the first letter of the first word in a sentence, whenever you start a new sentence.
I guess the biggest problems would be the first two things. I'm sure there's plenty of opportunities for you to strike out certain words, further enhancing the brevity and flow of your short flash fiction. Also, you might want to re-evaluate if writing in present tense fits your story well or not.
Well, that's all I have for now. I hope I've helped. Enjoy! And keep writing! Thanks for making me realise that there is merit in short flash fictions!
Points: 291
Reviews: 57
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