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Young Writers Society


12+

The Empire Series - Prolouge - The Beggining of the End?

by Paulie


"Your Honor, this is insanity! We've made it through economic troubles before, but I'm afraid that this is too severe! If we sign this bill we might as well be signing our own resignations! The only way we can make it through this is if we - ." Chancellor Davies's voice became inaudible as more council members began to shout. We had been stalled in arguments for the past hour and a half. I glanced over at Charles who was staring down at the bill in question. He tiresomely rubbed his face as the group of angry members started to scream even louder than before. Finally, I could take no more.

"ALRIGHT STOP IT!" I said as I flew out of my chair and pounded on the desk with the gavel.

The speaker system made an ear piercing ring as the entire council room filled with silence. Most of parliament had gotten used to my harsh temper and unorthodox way of doing things, and thus were not surprised by my outburst; but I knew that the only way we would get out of this room is if we, including me, all stayed calm and collected.

I sat back down in my chair, picked up my speech, and bent the microphone toward me.

"Now, It's obvious that we all feel differently about this new bill, but Her Majesty and I feel that this is necessary to, shall we say, lift this kingdom out from beneath the piles of debt we are currently. . . Oh, for god sakes, just forget it!" I balled up my speech and threw it towards the irritated crowd who were starting to protest again. I continued my rampage. "The bill goes into effect Monday! Anyone of you that has a problem with it, take it up with Her Majesty! Now go, all of you!" Apparently that "Cool and collected" plan didn't work out so good.

Then, Charles came over.

"Well that was just smashing now wasn't it." He said sarcastically.

"I'm just sick of them all. Most of them begged me for their positions and this is the way the thank me. Idiots!" I said watching them pour out of the council room.

Charles and I went out to the parking lot and got in the car that would take me back to 10 Downing Street.

"Have you thought about how this will effect public services? The first part of the bill alone will call for the suspension of most of the energy workers' jobs, and I know that Felzben already has our names on his personal hit list."

I snickered a little then stared out the window. "It's only temporary. If Felzben and the other twelve million people in Britain want to launch some bloody vendetta against parliament then let them. We have to make cuts somewhere Charles." I said as Charles glanced down at his loafers. That was his indirect way of saying that I was wrong.

The car pulled up to the curb as I grabbed my suitcase. "Goodnight Charles."

"Goodnight Prime Minister."

The car drove off.

I unlocked the door and quietly went inside. My wife, Anna, had waited up for me.

"It's almost midnight. How was the meeting?" She asked.

"One bad bill followed by a typhoon of arguments from every side. I'm starting to feel trapped" I said as I poured some wine.

"Is this the only way Ben?" Anna asked as she grabbed two glasses.

"It's the only thing that can get us out. We've tried lowering the budget but in the state that were in, that only provides a quick-fix. We need a complete repair."

After a while, we went to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I needed to get away from it all, so I decided to drive to my home county of Kent. In fact I drove until I hit the Channel. I drove until I found a nice secluded beach and starred out at the Dungeness Nuclear Power Station. I began to read the notes from the Bill and asked myself "Is this the beginning of the end?". That question is still lingering through my mind.


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Fri Nov 08, 2013 1:44 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Hello, Kay Fortnight here to review your piece!

First, nitpicks. I know grammar and spelling aren't fun, but you should look over that in your prologue. I won't point it out-D4RKR4VEN already did some of that, and it's something that can be solved by copy and pasting into a word processor and clicking on the red and green lines.

I like how you show the direness of the situation with the council acting like children, but I think it's a little overdone. You're basically banging us over the head with a rock to tell us this is bad. Maybe you could tone it down a little and add a few subtle clues instead? Body language, tone of voice?

I also think you should add more description of the world around your character. Remember, not everyone who reads your story will be from England. At the very least, you can probably expand the drive with details of the scenery.

That said, I think this story shows a lot of potential and I really like Charles.




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Tue Oct 29, 2013 1:22 pm
D4RKR4VEN wrote a review...



Hello, Paulie. I am The Raven, Squire of the Knights of the Green Room. I will be reviewing your work at this moment. My review will be divided up into the What Is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions sections. As a starting note, I did enjoy your prologue, but there's a lot of ways you could improve it. Now, let's get down to business...

What Is Good:
1) You've managed to convey the hairy situation in parliament, and the desperation of what is to come. The day that the parliament reminds people of the zoo or a mob is the day when the country's on the edge of collapse. I like how things are gritty - I like how the democracy represented by the parliament isn't much of a democracy in the end, and I like the power struggles going on, whether it is done in the name of the queen and country or not. Well done.

2) I like Ben and his wife, Anna's as characters. Ben is like this neo-regent kind of guy who happens to be in a modern-day parliamentary government, while Anna to me is two things at once for me: A caring wife who, for the sake of her husband, went into the deep end of the country's politics, but could also be the neo-regent's wife who is trying to attain power for herself. Interesting...

What Needs Improvement:
1) Your grasp of the language needs some work. Your title is a tell-tale sign of that. You spelt 'beginning' and 'prologue' wrongly. 'god' should be capitalised into 'God'.

"The bill goes into effect Monday!


Should be 'The bill goes into effect on Monday' or '[...] come Monday'.

I said watching them pour out of the council room.


Should be 'I said as I watched them [...]' or 'I said while I watched them [...]'

this will effect public services


effect should be 'affect'.

people in Britain want to launch some bloody vendetta against parliament then let them. We have to make cuts somewhere Charles."


There should be a comma between 'parliament' and 'then' and another comma between 'somewhere' and 'Charles'.

There's a few more language problems. I suggest that you run through your draft at least 2 more times to spot them all.

Other than that there's a lot to do with sentence structure. Try to vary them. Don't keep using sentences that start with 'I', and try to eliminate the many 'had's and 'that's you don't need. Sometimes, they're just there without a purpose, and slimming them back would allow your narrative to flow better.

2) This is a very minor thing. Do they call Prime Ministers 'Your Honour' in the UK? I've never heard of such a practice...

3) While it is interesting that you've shown the parliament to be devolving into some kind of a tribal squabble, you should also show that the parliament used to be better. You don't have to use expositions or flashbacks. Just sprinkle some facts here and there to show it. It could be one or another character lamenting the state of the parliament or the country, or another character just reflecting a bit about it. I feel that this is important, otherwise some readers might think that in your world, the parliament has always behaved that way - and it would break the immersion as it's a bit unbelievable.

4) I feel that the narrative requires a bit more flesh. Tell us more about the state of the country! Tell us more about what's been going on that plunged the country into that state of disarray! Give us more of your characters! Their thought processes! It is a political thriller after all, isn't it?

That's all I have for you. I hope I've helped. Keep writing!




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Mon Oct 28, 2013 2:54 am
Paulie says...



These last few weeks have been hectic to say the least, but I have Finally published the prologue.


Here is some general information about the series:

Characters:
Prime Minister - Ben Gallagher

Deputy Prime Minister - Charles Brookes

Secretary of State - George Kingsely

Chancellor of the Exchequer - Patricia Davies

Chief Secretary to the Treasury - Derrick White

Secretary of State for the Home Department - Frederick Bell

Secretary of State for Defense - Austin Morris

Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills and President of the Board of Trade - Emily Wright

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions - James Harris

Lord Chancellor, Secretary of State for Justice - Henry Carter

Secretary of State for Education - Stephen Matthews

Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government - Susan Grant

Secretary of State for Health - Jerry Clarke

Leader of the House of Lords, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster - William Collins

Secretary of State for Scotland - Daniele Talbot

Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change - Robert Felzben

Secretary of State for Transport - Pete Marshall

Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport - Phillip Hill

Secretary of State for Northern Ireland - Gregory Brown

Secretary of State for Wales - Thomas Gateman



Genre: Political Drama/Thriller


Disclaimer: All characters and events depicted in this series are FICTISIOUS. Any resemblance to real events or persons is completely coincidental.





Don't be sad bc sad backwards is das and das not good
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