z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Undecided Title :)

by emjayc


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

The Earth trembled underneath him as if rattling its final breath before surrendering to the lightning clashes above. He lay upon the rock staring unconsciously at the sky as his naked back arched in agony. A thousand teeth pierced his flesh as he relived events in memory. Bloody chest heaving up and down against its very will, one fleeting thought snagged at his mind: he’d never thought he would go like this. The intense throbbing awakened him to reality, but all he could do was cling to that one thought as if it could keep him from slipping further away into the pain.

Visions of what could have been rushed past him before he was able to savour them. It was as if a monster had taken a hold of his soul and cast his life away into an abyss. There was a single thought precariously attaching him to his former life—his former self.

‘Not this way,’ his beating heart whispered.

In another dimension he felt his whole being cringe and writhe on a wet stone open to the elements above. He felt his dying lips mouth, “No.” Then the darkness descended.

~

It reeked. The stench of salt and rust filled his nostrils, invading his sleep. Or was it awakening Death?

A deep groan echoed in a reverberating stillness. As the sick smell of blood rushed in, the silence was forced to give way to a million senses.

He blinked cautiously and glared at the bright sun hanging in a cloudless sky. What was this? Some kind of trick? Was his desire to live so great that he deceived himself even in death?

His weight shifted underneath him and his muscles ached stiffly as if they had only been sleeping for a long time.

“Ugh,” he muttered, “Where am I?”

~

From behind the brush it stared at this new trespasser. The trespasser did not see it, but it could smell the stench of recently-spilled blood on the rock on which it rested.

The wolf wrinkled its nose hesitantly. The trespasser’s blood had a foreign scent, much too similar to that of a human. Perhaps the trespasser was domestic, a traitor in the eyes of free wolves like himself. Narrowing his yellow eyes to menacing slits, the wolf peered through the brush.

~

His tongue swept his fangs and the hair on his back raised as he sensed an intruder. His body felt as if it did not belong to him. A fearful confusion came upon him until he dared to look down in wonder at the change that had overcome him.

‘It’s only legend,’ logic argued as he gazed at a set of claws attached to a pair of white paws that, extended from hairy legs, ran up to his chest. He took the image in slowly and managed to grip the realisation.

A guttural snarl erupted from his chest. “Werewolves.”

Last night he had wandered too far from the village and the group of hunters that had accompanied him. The memory welled up inside him, but at the same time it seemed from a past life.

He remembered: The sound of leaves crunching beneath his booted feet as his right hand clasped his bow. The weight of the quiver on his shoulder and the sheathed sword rubbing against his side. The utter darkness that enveloped him as he edged forward and great clouds rolling in pouring cascades of rain. A lone howl.

The pound of clawed feet sounding from the woods. The taste of bitter terror as a growling figure slashed out and the waning light of the moon struck the sharp point of the claw before it plunged into him.

He shook his head and allowed the stale scent of blood to remove him from his nightmares. Then he gazed down once again and saw the stains of blood across the rock that he sat on. He felt the scars of lashing claws on his chest.

~

The other wolf sniffed the air and made a decision. It saw the red gashes along the trespasser’s white chest. There had been a fight here last night and this strange wolf had been gravely injured. Furthermore, it did not move from out in the open, but remained on the bloody stone, looking dazed and frightened.

Curling his lip to reveal his sharp fangs, the brown wolf let out a threatening snarl as it deserted its hiding spot and approached the trespasser.

~

In an instant his instincts rang clear and he flattened his ears upon his head and a roar tumbled from between his barred teeth. He tried to stand up on the rock and appear fierce, but his legs refused to obey.

‘To survive the night and die a dog would be truly horrible,’ he thought to himself.

For several lingering moments the two wolves—white and brown—remained in a silent trance.

Finally, the wolf spoke in a firm, rough tone, “What are you?” Its unblinking yellow eyes gleamed suspiciously at him.

“I am near dead,” he replied simply.

Ignoring the trespasser’s plea, the brown wolf snarled, “There is more human than wolf about you. You are not from my pack and I know you do not come from the woods.”

“You are astute,” he said vaguely, avoiding the obvious question in the wolf’s words.

“You are human.”

“Very good, so I am. May I ask how you know?”

“Your repugnant scent. You’ve scared all the prey away with that stench of yours,” huffed the brown wolf.

“Sorry,” he responded weakly. He felt pain in his abdomen and knew that the gashes had started to bleed again.

“You are hurt.”

“Yes…”

“When will you return?” The brown wolf appeared less menacing.

“Pardon?”

“When will you transform?”

The idea had not even dawned on him. He could become human again if only he could live through the wounds. “I don’t know.”

“When did you last turn into a wolf?”

“Last night. I was attacked.”

Suddenly the wolf looked scared. “Then you are a new werewolf? There hasn’t been a new victim in years! You are very unlucky indeed.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. He was growing tired of the wolf that made obvious statements and did not seem in a rush to save him from bleeding to death right in front of it. He referred to the wolf as “it,” for he still considered himself human and therefore above this animal.

“You must follow me if you can,” insisted the wolf.

“I can’t.”

“Then you must wait for me to return. If I do not come back by nightfall you will have to call for me. Although I hope it does not come to that because your howl may reach the attention of the pack in the forest.”

“The werewolves that attacked me?”

“Exactly,” nodded the other wolf before it dashed off in the direction of a far off hill.

The sun was setting, flecking the sky with deep pinks and oranges when the brown wolf returned. It panted and dropped to the ground, exhausted. Another wolf had arrived with it.

It was snowy white speckled with black on its narrow sides and upon its pointed muzzle. Its blue eyes looked at him and he became calm and knew that he would survive another day.

“This is him then?” inquired the new white wolf. It was female, he could tell by the soft growl of her voice. Over the day he had come to the epiphany that every man-turned wolf had to arrive at: There was little difference between the brown wolf and him. In fact, he had to depend on the wolf because he would die in the wild without help.

“That is the werewolf,” the brown wolf told her tiredly.

“Werewolf.” The word fell on his tongue like a curse. He had been condemned to a miserable existence.

As if reading his thoughts, the she-wolf said to him in a quiet voice, “Do not give up hope now when you have a choice.”

Opening his eyes and lifting his head that he had been resting on the rock, he asked, “What choice? I did not ask for this! Everyone in my village must think I am dead.”

“There are others like you,” she stated in a tone that dripped of disgust and deep loath.

He eyed her mockingly. “Yes, let me join my own—the Ones who damned me.”

The white wolf gave him a look of disapprobation. “Many have chosen to live in the forest with the demons that stole their lives away.”

“Well, I shall not!” he spat, his dark wolf eyes glowing as the dying light of the sun reflected from them.

“Go to sleep,” she said. “When you wake your mind will see things clearer.”

His body had been calling for slumber all day, but he had been resisting it. Even as the new white wolf stood by and tried to clean his wounds, he fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning he awoke early and felt refreshed. He felt stronger and his joints did not ache as much. For the first time in his wolf body—his prison—he stood up and stretched, his muscles rippling. Looking around, he saw no signs of the others. He shivered slightly, wondering if they had left him.

Only a few minutes later the two wolves came out from behind the brush. The she-wolf carried a carcass in her mouth and as she approached she deposited it on the rock.

“Eat.”

He ate, tearing at the flesh, not questioning where it had come from or thinking about how if he had been human he would have made a fire and roasted it. New instincts merged with this new body and he accepted it. Perhaps he even relished the raw power he felt flowing through his veins.

After choking down the last gulp, he turned to his companions. “What do they call you?”

The brown wolf gave him a comical look and appeared to nearly chuckle. “Ah, you humans have names, don’t you?”

“Well, of course,” he answered rather dumbly.

The other wolf sniffed. “We recognise each other by scent, but for now you may call me Streke. You may call her Erow,” he said, pointing his black nose toward the she-wolf.

“As a human they called me Darthonian…”

“Darthonian?” the wolves guffawed, their fangs hanging out as if laughing. “No dignified mouse would bear that name.”

“Eh…” he mumbled sheepishly.

Streke was about to make another rude comment when Erow suggested, “Dart?”

“But is he quick enough for that name?” Streke proposed wryly.

“I was a great hunter in my village,” Darthonian defended himself.

“You are a wolf now. As a wolf, you must prove that you have ability before making such claims.”

There was a short silence and Erow interrupted, “Have you decided yet?”

“Decided what?”

“If you will join them.” She said ‘them’ with a look that made Dart taste venom in his mouth.

He felt anger rage within him and he could barely keep the desire to snap at her contained inside him. “Why would I want to go with those that destroyed me life?”

Streke gave his packmate an incomprehensible look. She returned it.

“Where will you go if you do not go to the forest?”

“With you…”

The two shared another furtive glance.

“What?”

“No werewolf has even ventured to join a pure-wolf pack. I have never heard of such a thing,” the white wolf stated.

“Why not?”

“Werewolves are corrupt. They breed to consume and bring ruin. Werewolves hate our kind and we ourselves abhor the smell of humans. You must not forget that you are still part man and soon you will return to that form.”

“When? How long must I wait?”

Erow looked at him as if he were daft. “The next full moon.”

“That’s a month from now!”

“Exactly.” Streke said loudly. He nudged his head between the two white wolves, for in the heated discussion they had gotten much too close.

“Let me join your pack,” Dart insisted with a tone of desperation.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 250
Reviews: 44

Donate
Thu Oct 31, 2013 12:11 pm
View Likes
NerdBird wrote a review...



Going to review as I read ;D

against its very will

I feel as if the 'very' isnt needed here, interrupts the flow of words for me personally.

I love the whole transformation part at the begging, very descriptive, and I could imagine him falling in an out of consciousness, into limbo, falling into darkness and crawling back again, very nice! :D
That being said, I feel all the dramatic and tense atmosphere is instantly shattered by
‘Not this way,’ his beating heart whispered.

Change this to something that better fits the mood :)

“Ugh,” he muttered, “Where am I?”

This isn't really needed, a simply groan and a thought trail would be appropriate, put the question in italics for example:
'He groaned in confusion. Where am I?'

Narrowing his yellow eyes to menacing slits,

Probably me just being picky, but the Wolf is referred to as 'the Wolf' or 'it'. Then we suddenly have a 'his' thrown in there too.
Perhaps leave this out until we know of the Werewolf situation.

“You are astute,” he said vaguely

Something about this phrase just doesn't seem to fit with the rest.
It seems too out of place for the time and setting. Maybe try to rephrase it? :S

The sun was setting, flecking the sky with deep pinks and oranges when the brown wolf returned. It panted and dropped to the ground, exhausted. Another wolf had arrived with it.

As others have already pointed out, elaborate this a lot more, you have the perfect opportunity to describe the surroundings lit up by the sunset's colours :) And the wolf seemingly disappears and reappears instantaneously. Create the illusion that time has passed :)

Maybe mention the man's name earlier on, as when each section is divided, it can get slightly confusing as to who's point of view we're seeing.

Overall...WOW.
I'm loving the whole idea, the inspiration, the setting , the everything!
Quite an original twist on the tragic werewolf tale, I love how he has to spend a month as a wolf, then a month human and so on and so forth, great addition :D
I feel like Dart doesn't have a huge motivation to join the pack other than he doesn't want to be on his own.
What kind of character is he? If he was a brave and proud hunter, would he be so desperate?
Think more about what he would do, he may be wolf now but he still has his human head and heart :)
I personally would see him shunning the wolves out of pride, to go off on his own, finding complications before scuppering his pride and asking for a place in the pack. :)
Who knows, he could even attempt to return to his village, expecting them to understand?
Lots of options :D

Im also a little bit frustrated by you leaving us mid-conversation :P
Add a tiny bit more to finalise the conversation :)
Hope that helps! Can't wait for more!
^-^




emjayc says...


Thank you for the great ideas! :D I'll take some of your suggestions into consideration. I've already begun revising the first chapter and I have actually already written about half the novel (twelve chapters), so maybe I'll add some stuff in :)



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 613
Reviews: 5

Donate
Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:51 pm
View Likes
DodjyWriter wrote a review...



I really liked this. Which is odd, because i tend to avoid the common fantasy area, e.g. in this case, villages and werewolves. There's always a danger of repeating a stereotype. But after reading it, i realised it had the potential to bring a freshness to the table.

It was nicely written and the previous reviews covered a fair amount of the technical and grammar side, so i won't dwell on that, there wasn't even that much wrong with it which was really good. It had a nice flow.

Again the opening line with weather and surroundings description would usually have a negative impact on my expectations for the remainder of the writing, yet, again you won. I think its largely down to your descriptions, i'd say that is definitely your strongest aspect, and whenever you can, focus on this aspect to strengthen your story wherever possible. It's a very handy trait to have.

Like this:

"He remembered: The sound of leaves crunching beneath his booted feet as his right hand clasped his bow. The weight of the quiver on his shoulder and the sheathed sword rubbing against his side. The utter darkness that enveloped him as he edged forward and great clouds rolling in pouring cascades of rain. A lone howl."

"The taste of bitter terror as a growling figure slashed out and the waning light of the moon struck the sharp point of the claw before it plunged into him."

The descriptions were really great, generally throughout.

I look forward to reading more. Keep writing! As for the title, i have no idea.




User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 2021
Reviews: 61

Donate
Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:21 am
View Likes
rainbowcabbit wrote a review...



Hello! I really like your story so far. I like how you fully described the scene of near death and the commotion between the wolves. I also love how the werewolf still thought he was human and wanted to live with the pure wolves. It is a very interesting story so far. Your characters are well developed and the plot looks good. Keep up the good work and hope Fountain Pens win! :D




User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 13620
Reviews: 212

Donate
Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:36 am
birk wrote a review...



Greetings and Salutations Emjay!

I'm here to attack the first chapter of your novel....with harsh words and lots of exclamation marks!!

Fine, I admit, that second part isn't true. But I am here to review your latest work and see if your story sounds good.

And introductions aside, I really like the premise of your novel. Although I never was too much of a fan of werewolves, and lately I have grown sick of their overexposure. So how can I like your story if your premise revolves around werewolves?

Well, to be honest I'm hoping your story is a bit different from the genre and that your continued chapters keeps clear of a few things. And if not, maybe my opinion would give you some ideas.

Alright, I'll quickly list of some things:
# Keep the supernatural werewolf aspect to a minimum. (He had to wait until next fullmoon before he could become human again, so they can't change back and forth, thats good.)
# You mention a village and your character had a bow and sword, so this takes place in old times. I really like that.
# I obviously don't know what your ideas are for the rest of your story, but the way I see it now, he needs a way to connect to this new form. Come up with a plot he needs to engage in, and a personal reason for him to get involved and maybe even accept his new form.

Okay, on to reviewing the actual chapter:

edit

as his naked back ached in agony.

I know you can use arched here, and attain a similar meaning, but I would rather just use this.

Bloody chest heaving up and down against its very will, one fleeting thought snagged at his mind: he’d never thought he would go like this.
As his bloody chest heaved up and down against its very will, a fleeting thought snagged at his mind; he'd never thought he would go like this.

Now you start using what you are good at: describing surrounds, what is happening and thoughts. Although next up is:

‘Not this way,’ his beating heart whispered.

Yeah, this sounds silly.

In another dimension he felt his whole being cringe and writhe on a wet stone open to the elements above. He felt his dying lips mouth, “No.” Then the darkness descended.
This whole transformation is a bit confusing and I had to reread the entire first part of this to fully understand what was going on. Maybe clear this up. The way you wrote it, I felt like he was in some sort of limbo before returning to his "body". Which would be cool.

~

You break the paragraphs up with these faaaar to often. Reading through this, there was only one place which warrented dividing the story up into sections. (I'll get to this)

“Where am I?”

Did he say this out loud....to himself? It would be better if he thought this to himself, so put it in italics.

‘It’s only legend,’

Again, its good you write his thoughts, but always use italics to signify that he's not saying it.

Ok, slightly offtracked here. I get obsessive about some things now and then, so I'll almost go for a review within a review here. (Reviewception):

You misspelled realization. It needs a "z", not an "s."

Actually, both realise and realize is acceptable. But since Emjay is apparently American, we'll let this slide. (Realize more common in the US, realise more common in Britain)

These are two sentences. Break them up with a period.

Eh, I'd advise against it.

(And by the way -ian anything is typically associated with a people group, not a name.)
Its used for a bunch of things, names included. I don't see how this is relevant. I like the name, mate.

Your other reviewers are both awesome at this site, I guess review day just gets them all busy.

Mm, lets continue:
“Exactly,” nodded the other wolf before it dashed off in the direction of a far off hill.
As I said earlier, this is that one spot where you could have seperated the story into two sections. Streke leaves, and in the next sentence he is immidiately back again.

Alright, though you still lack italics here and there, the rest of your chapter is pretty good. You move the scenes along at a decent pace, (aside from the aforementioned one where he leaves and comes back immidiately) and you tell so much about the scenes themselves.

One big thing I though was well done was the dialogue. Your other stories didn't have too much dialogue and I was looking forward to seeing how you did it. And you did pretty good.

“Let me join your pack,” Dart insisted with a tone of desperation.

Ooh, whats doing to happen? Nice cliffhanger.

Finally seeing some longer works of yours, and especially this being your novel, it was nice to read something lenghtier by you. It had some problems, yeah, but its understandable seeing as its not as short. And we are all here to learn.

Looking forward to following chapters mate. Hit me up if you need anything.

Cheers
Birkhoff




emjayc says...


I sincerely appreciate your review and I shall definitely take your suggestions into consideration!



User avatar
508 Reviews


Points: 11370
Reviews: 508

Donate
Sun Oct 27, 2013 1:23 am
View Likes
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review on this gloriously wonderful Review Day.

First off, this is a really long post. There are a ton of little breaks, but you could probably divide this quite easily around one of them. Now, on to the actual piece.

Technical:

" and managed to grip the realisation."

You misspelled realization. It needs a "z", not an "s."

"It was female, he could tell by the soft growl of her voice."

These are two sentences. Break them up with a period.

"After choking down the last gulp,..."

Perhaps use a different word than "choking." I got the mental image of him actually choking.

"that made Dart taste venom in his mouth"

Remember, he hasn't been given this name yet. Keep the Darthonian until then. (And by the way -ian anything is typically associated with a people group, not a name.)

You're replacing "said" way too much. Those replacement verbs start to stick out when I notice that many. In fact, you only used "said" maybe once or twice. I picked up on the enormous replacement tendency about a fourth of the way through this post. So please, don't replace "said" so many times. Readers like it.

Hope this helps!




User avatar
663 Reviews


Points: 11295
Reviews: 663

Donate
Sat Oct 26, 2013 5:58 pm
View Likes
Messenger wrote a review...



The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR.

“Ugh,” he muttered,

I don't think 'ugh' goes well in this line. Maybe add he groaned, but I think ugh just sounds less classy.

The sun was setting, flecking the sky with deep pinks and oranges when the brown wolf returned. It panted and dropped to the ground, exhausted. Another wolf had arrived with it.

If you wanted to shorten the chapters, there's the part to do it.

Aagh! I feel like you stopped this to abruptly. Much too abruptly. I enjoyed the story a lot, but you ended it in the middle of a conversation. I would consider adding a few more lines to conclude the talk.
Sorry I can't give you more help on this, but your description was pretty good.
Keep it up!





Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
— Groucho Marx