first poem i ever wrote

Wow! For the first poem you wrote it's pretty good. Though, there is some minor errors. Where you wrote,"That where i feel trap in space no one around," I got confused. between that and where should be the word is and either feel or trap should be changed to either felt or trapped. But, over all it is a wonderful poem and I hope you write some more.

Hiya there this is another review from the flaming keys (reds)

I know that you have explained you have wrote it out just as it was on paper but i still think it would be good to set it out in a paragraph, and fix a couple spelling mistakes, Proofreading helps to make sure you don't make grammatical and spelling mistakes.

I liked the love and care in this story and the way you have shown it, also i like the way you displayed the characters.

You could make the title more grabbing, and put in the description that it was you first poem so it grabs readers attention.

People can relate to this poem, which is what my favorite thing about this poem is.

Overall if you edited this a bit and set it out in paragraphs it will be good and you will get better and better over time with poems.

I saw that you have already been scolded for the structure, capitalization, and spelling, so I'll not touch those subjects, though I did notice the same things as the previous reviewers.

I like the simple honesty of the poem. It's one that anyone can understand and relate to, and a lot of poems aren't like that.

One thing that confused me somewhat was the "when I feel lower than the ground only three makes me feel better". I understood what this meant after a second read, but more organized wording could avoid that confusion with other people.

I understand that you just put the original, unedited poem on, but a little editing to make things clearer is always good.

About the title, you could always pick your favorite line from the poem, or just a word that the poem is about (I was going to give some suggestions, but I don't want to name your poem for you).

Overall, it's good, and it could be great with some editing and such.

Don't be discouraged, because I've written much worse and learned some of my greatest lessons from my mistakes (even though I'm still not an expert; not in the least).

Alrighty, Knight Teen of the Green Room Knights here to provide you with a review. Welcome to the site, by the way.

At first glance, the biggest issue is that this is in paragraph form. If you like it like this and want to keep it that way, then that is fine. You are the author here. But if it's a poem, then it should read like a poem.

I feel alone in this world like no body is there.
When i close my eye a few friends are near.
When i feel lower than the ground only three makes me feel better.

Number one is no longer on this earth, second moved far away form me.
Thrid and final find her near to me.
Talking to her almost makes me smile.

Then sadness races over.
Before everything goes to worse i care about her and try to think.
What could it be if it was me and her.

Sadness comes and everything is no can never happen.
The world shatters before i fall to the ground.
That where i feel trap in space no one around.
Till I close my eyes agian.

Alrighty, Knight Teen of the Green Room Knights here to provide you with a review. Welcome to the site, by the way.

At first glance, the biggest issue is that this is in paragraph form. If you like it like this and want to keep it that way, then that is fine. You are the author here. But if it's a poem, then it should read like a poem.

I feel alone in this world like no body is there.
When i close my eye a few friends are near.
When i feel lower than the ground only three makes me feel better.

Number one is no longer on this earth, second moved far away form me.
Thrid and final find her near to me.
Talking to her almost makes me smile.

Then sadness races over.
Before everything goes to worse i care about her and try to think.
What could it be if it was me and her.

Sadness comes and everything is no can never happen.
The world shatters before i fall to the ground.
That where i feel trap in space no one around.
Till I close my eyes agian.

Ive never introduced myself yet. I am SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call me Brie. Welcome to YWS, and I hope you are excited for review day

I like this poem I agree with devi, it needs capitalization and line breaks, but the general idea is really good. I do want to let you know, if you ever need someone to talk to, I will gladly help you. I cant bare seeing anyone sad but me xD

Is this her some special girl you like? That is if you don't mind me asking.

Also, remember to add a wee bit of structural ( grammar ) work to it, for I see it is lacking in some ways. But really, I still like this poem What is the actual title of it? Or is their no title.

But anyway, keep writing

Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie

Hi there! Overall this is a nice poem, strong and relatable. There are a feel faults though that I'd like to point out.

// Paragraphs. Right now this just look like one big clump that makes it hard to read. It would look much better like:

"I feel alone in this world like nobody is there.
When I close my eye a few friends are near."

..continued, etc.

// Capitals for I's, please. For example; 'When i close my eye a few friends are near' the 'i' to I.


// This line: 'When I feel lower than the ground only three makes me feel better' I assume you mean only three things make me feel better?

Anyway, other than that I don't really see much else wrong. Just fix up the structure of this, and you'll be all good. Keep up the good work!

{{ -devigonewild- }}