Young Writers Society

Hey there

I liked the meaning you've tried to bring across here, and I think it works well having the first line repeated at the beginning and end of the poem. It gives a sense of completion to the whole poem.

I think my main problem here is that you shift between ideas very quickly without giving the reader time to pause and understand what's happening. What I managed to derive from this is that a father is talking to his son and telling him to go out and do something with his life. Then he gets sent to jail, and the that's the last time the father sees him. And yet there must be a later on because you say no man should see his son die, which means in the end he dies in jail or on his way there? If you just clarified what you meant a bit more, I'm sure this poem could turn into something great. Maybe for each part where it shows something new, there could be a new stanza or line break? One could be their conversation, one could be Ray running away, another could be him dying, etc.

I think the rhyme or half rhyme seemed a little bit forced in this poem, and it would be much better if you left it out completely? They rhythm is a tad bit broken up, and that's because of all the commas in here! I think they are all necessary. But perhaps you should make the half sentences longer, and then there will be less commas needed. I just felt it was a bit choppy reading this.

My last piece of advice would be to have fun with poetic techniques! They can really change up a poem. The types of things you learn in class. They help with more vivid description and rhythm and everything. For example alliteration, metaphors, similes and those sort of stuff. This post helps a lot with explaining these: Kiss My Assonance - 5 ways to improve your poetry

I hope this helped Keep up the writing ^^

Deanie x

Hey. To start off, what I most enjoyed of the poem was the repetition of the first line, at the end. I'm a sucker for that rhetorical device. A line I felt was a bit awkward (even though that is most likely your point, in order to create a sense of befuddlement/elusiveness:

"Your reply, I am reminded, was unlike mine, so I'll summarize."

Maybe summarize isn't the right word? It kind off puts the poem at the tip of a cliff.

I also enjoyed the simplistic aspects of the poem.

Another fine point to tune would be the line:

"Suicide is a snake, serpentine, the first time's the last, the second worst crime"

I love how you tried to incorporate a metaphor in here, but the first part of your prepositional phrase does not tie in well with the second and third ones.

Overall, it's a melancholy poem and you did a great job writing it!

Happy Review Day!!!

Hello,

This is really beautiful, and you have my condolences. I don't even want to imagine something like that happening because it is so horrible.

The rhyme is, well, I don't really know how to describe it, but I think that its oddness adds character to the work.

The use of language was very mature (I'm not speaking of curse words, as you have none), and suited the work very well.

The only thing that I personally think needs a little work are your lines. In my opinion, they are a little long and I think that you would benefit from making them shorter and then dividing this into stanzas.

But, you are the author and if that is not something that you want to do then that is perfectly okay. To paraphrase He-Man; "You have the power!"

KT

Yay!,some beauty of sort

Hey!
I love this poem, I honestly don't care that the rhyme is a bit iffy, it adds to the whole tone of it.
You use language well and construct a great poem from some really simple language and figurative language. I applaud you on that.
You take a really sad and terrible thing and talk about it well and you don't really skirt over the horrors of it. I like how you didn't resort to gruesome detail and imagery to get the message across of how bad suicide is.
I really love this poem and think you did a great job.
Keep writing
Nargles xx

Since you have no reviews, here I am duh duh dun! I'll try to review your poem.

I have no idea if I'm right or not but in
"And tell me why you'd betray your friends"

If it was was you had, wouldn't it be

And tell me why you had betrayed your friends

It rhymes a bit,ok a lot. Usually on here I don't see rhyming poems, course I haven't read much poems yet. I think it's sad the kids killed himself. It's a sad poem but still pretty good.

I'm sorry about the kid that killed himself. I love the poem, it kind of reminds me of how I felt when I found out that my friend was raped. I agree that the rhythm is kind of choppy, but I don't think that it matters that much in this work. It has sort of a simple feel on the surface but very emotionally intense under neath. It makes me sad, but the good kind of sad.

I like this poem. I wish you would have had better formatting structure. Also, you try to rhyme, and when you do this the rhythm is off. I love the idea behind this poem. A boy at my school also committed suicide.

This is a good poem and I like the first line. You use good imagery. It's really sad and I'm sorry this young man decided to take his own life. Hopefully this poem will help people see that suicide is not the answer and we all need to value our lives more.