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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Descent Chapter 5: A Week On Part 2

by D4RKR4VEN


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Full Novel Synopsis: Sequel to 'The Spiralling', itself a sequel to the Kick-Ass (2010) movie. However, this novel can be read on its own. After Big Daddy died, Mindy was driven mad, subdued by Dave, and locked away in an Institute after killing all who she deemed responsible but Dave. Will she recover? What will happen next to a New York without her nor the Motherfucker? Elements of the Kick-Ass 2 (2013) movie and comic series will be taken in.

The Descent

Chapter 5: A Week On Part 2

9 June 2011, Thirstsday

Deer Diary,

Math was hard today. I had trouble with division and multiplication, but Mrs. Davies was kind to me. She was patient and taught me how to do it on the board. Does she no about my memery memmery memory loss? Becourse Mrs. Davies was always angry at all the others.

But I am happy! I met friends today! Dave introduced them to me.

“Remember what we talked about, guys?” I said to my old friends, Marty and Todd. Just the previous day, I brought them into the loop, except that they knew about just as much as Mrs. Dixon and the teaching staff.

“Yeah, no superheroes, comic-books, action movies, sports, errr…” Todd started listing off everything, but ended only about half-way. He’d just discovered another way to frighten me.

“And no guns, sex, violence and profanity?” Marty finished it off. To be fair to Todd though, I wasn’t even sure if that was everything. I was taking this one step at a time, improvising as I go. It was just like my Kick-Ass ordeal all over again. This time I had the gift of foresight, waiting for a car accident to happen. Except this time I won’t let it happen.

“Then what are we going to talk about?” Todd complained. It ticked me off quite a bit – Mindy’s sanity was on the line for crying out loud! I’d explained it to them not too long ago!

“I still can’t believe you have a sister I didn’t know about. I’ve been your friend ever since, like, fucking 5, man.” Marty said. My ears, at this time, was oversensitive, so I shushed him when he used the famous four letter word, “Why the hell was she in Canada again?” And again, I shushed him, much to his annoyance. I couldn’t help it, and they didn’t know. I felt isolated from my buddies all of a sudden because of Mindy.

“And the fact she lost all her memories up to a few days ago? That’s some Wolverine shit right there, Dave! That’s awesome!” Todd continued. By this time, I was freaking out, as I could already see Mindy going around the corner into the cafeteria. I nudged Todd in the kidney, perhaps a little too hard. I didn’t even have the time to get offended by his idea of what is awesome.

When we sat down for lunch, it was even worst. I was always looking out for whatever disaster that could be coming out of Marty and Todd’s mouth, not that a lot was coming out. For the first few minutes, we were just eating. Todd was right for once; comic-books and superheroes were the staple of our discussions and bonding.

Then Todd looked like he had a bright idea, “Have you guys seen the trailer for Winnie the Pooh?” His question was met with silence. Marty was leaning his head against his hand, trying to look interested against his wishes. I could tell that it was difficult for him. I didn’t care, heck, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

“Yeah, it was… awesome. Totally.” Marty said, this time playing along well enough.

“It’s coming out in theatres this month right?” I contributed, hoping to keep milking this thread of discussion long enough. Mindy looks up from her plate, and seemed interested.

“Next month. Dude, we should all go when it opens.” Todd continued. Marty looks tortured, but I didn’t care.

“Sure! Wow, I didn’t know you had it in you, Todd!” I said, gladly. Better this than them fouling up and uttering a four letter word or two. I was hoping for Mindy to say something, make a break for my friends.

“Can I come too?” She exclaimed – she had many reasons to be interested. From what she’d told me, she wasn’t doing very well in class. Even without her killer stare and bully’s complex, no one would befriend her on her first day. Marty and Todd would be the first.

“Of course you can, Mandy.” I readily agreed. Then there was another few minutes of silence again. Revisiting our childhood wasn’t our thing. We were the type who’s always looking forward, looking forward to the next issue of X-men, or the next Hulk movie. Looking forward to the next hot chick, or the next running gag between us.

“Have you guys been watching Playhouse Disney?” What came out of Todd had Marty rubbing his temples, and me questioning his childhood – Playhouse Disney was beneath even Mindy, or at least I hoped so. Still, it was a better idea than talking about The Punisher in front of her, “Is it still broadcasting Barney the Dinosaur?” Was Barney ever on that channel? Vindicating Todd, I never knew myself.

10 June 2011, Fryday

Deer Dear Diary,

School was tough today, but I think I’m better at math. I can remember some of it from before the bus accident. It’s scary, to suddenly no things you never did.

I met a friend after class today. His name is Pete. He said that I was kool because of the words I used in composition. But I don’t even know what a mag-lite is.

He loves comic books. Dave told me befor that they are bad and I should avoid them.

I love Dave. He was always with me right from when I woke up at that scary place with Dr. Paul. So I didn’t look at the comic book he brought with him to skool school.

Anyway, Dave told me he’s taking me to the park for jogging, so bye bye diary!

“Will we be running very far, Dave?” Mindy asked as I was getting on my bicycle, waiting for Mindy to get on to the backseat. Taking a quick look to see if she was sitting properly, I noticed that she was looking a little better. Less pallid, less depressed. I could barely see any eyebags at all. She was still thin, but not frail. Things were working out after all.

“No, not even a mile, at least for you.” I replied. Doctor’s orders. I couldn’t allow her to do any rigorous exercises, I’ve called to even ask him. A mile, in fact, was pretty much the limit specifically set by the doctor, plus no other exercises after that.

“Why not? I feel so much better, Dave.” She said with a wide smile. Good things have been happening, as she had told me. The paperballs weren’t a bother to her anymore. Or at least, they were overshadowed by her meeting a new friend on her own and solving complex elementary math problems, “I feel like I could fly!” Now, ordinarily, you’d want to encourage a kid when she said that, or stick a Superman in their hand. With Mindy though, it had the opposite effect on me.

“Now where did you get that idea from?” I asked, feigning calm. I was getting good at it, lying. It bothers me a bit that I was, but whenever I thought of Mindy, the uneasy feeling of lying to a kid goes away quickly enough.

“A dream. I dreamt that I was flying from one building to another.” Mindy replied, and immediately I knew it was another residual memory. I remember Hit-Girl doing that sort of stunt, jumping from one rooftop to another. Specifically, after saving me from getting castrated by Rasul and his gang of crackheads.

“It’s just a dream, Mandy. People don’t fly.” I lied, sort of. Admittedly, this one took away the comfort I’d built towards lying.

“Okay… Can I still run with you? All the way?” Mindy persisted. An alarm was sounding in my head, a red alert. Perhaps I was overimagining things, but it really felt like she was reawakening like Dark Phoenix or something, “It feels like we’re a… team, and we should run together as a-”

“I said NO! Stop asking before I turn around!” Before I knew the best way of handling it, I was already freaking out. It was a knee-jerk response like no other. I guess down inside, I knew that it was a survival situation, a game of chess, with everyone’s health on the line. I stopped the bicycle, in case I was too distracted to keep peddling. I turned to face her. She was crying, and it melted my heart, “Oh gosh, I’m sorry Mandy.” I hugged and cooed her. It took her a bit of time to calm down. My guess? She was shocked that I would jump at her like that – I can’t remember the last time I did that. It was a first.


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767 Reviews


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Thu Mar 05, 2015 2:12 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey, Dark Raven!

Alright, so as I'm reading along, I'm starting to notice a lot more of these repeating words, such as except. I pointed on out a part or two ago and then there were a couple last part and this one, two within two paragraphs. Be careful not to fall into one if those loops of using the same phrases over and over.

I see Deanie's point that this is a slower chapter, sort of transitioning as Mandy is slowly getting used to her new life. Nothing really major seems to happen, and the ending felt rather forced out, as if you had an idea and was hook up on it for a while before forcing it out. The last paragraph in particular was really choppy, taking a lot of action, and specially repeating 'I' a couple times as Dave did some things.

Yeah, nothing particularly exciting. It's interesting that his friends kind of just went with it, having that really awkward conversation about Winnie the Pooh (which then proceedes to distract me further as to the 'true meaning' of it...) and Playhouse Disney...?

A lot of other little questions just rose into my mind during this, like does Mandy even watch TV? Is she allowed to? What's Mandy thinking about all this? Why don't his friends press further, because a magical sister appear out of nowhere to your best friend isn't something that you can accept a 'shhhhh' as the answer to.

This is one of those times that it would en perfect to introduce Mandy's perspective again, because Dave can only tell us so much. And since it's been done before, I'm always left wondering when will it show up again. (I know it comes muuuuuch later, but I still would like to see it sooner. The diaries aren't really cutting it for me.)

Well, I guess I'm off to the next part. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~




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Sun Oct 27, 2013 1:20 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Dark Raven,

Another reasonable chapter. You can clearly see the memories are resurfacing faster and stronger than before.

Dave must have some pretty nice friends if they are willing to make such an effort his little sister. And it's kind of funny how no one questions the fact that he never spoke about his little sister until now :P

These reviews are getting shorter and shorter because the grammar and punctuation looks fine. And the story is fine although at the moment it seems to be progressing a little slowly. As a reader I'm starting to lose a bit of interest. You've got to keep the story exciting and add in elements to keep the reader engaged, otherwise they will be easily distracted, and not so keen to go on. Not that I'm not enjoying reading this - but I feel like something is required in here to bring back the same love for it I had before. I know you may disagree but well, reviews are for opinion right?

A friend who likes comic books? All these resurfacing memories? Look likes this covering up of her past is going to be a bit harder than Dave first thought.

Deanie x




D4RKR4VEN says...


No, I completely understand. It's a constant danger - the reader losing interest. I've been wrestling with this problem, and it tires me out. I hope you'd read on and keep telling me if I've managed to address this recurring problem throughout the novel or let it fester and ruin the novel. I really hope it's not the latter :(

Thanks for the review :)



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Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:34 pm
whitewolfpuppy wrote a review...



Alright, time to conquer! :D I hope the last review did great with the development. I am going to try to make most of my reviews like that, giving idea's about the progression and what not. :D

Comments
Great job with the grammar and what not. For the comments, I will leave that with the grammar and stuff. With the over all, I will get more detailed into the story and how to connect them.

Does she no about my memery memmery memory loss?

Alright, I get what you are doing here with the diaries now. I didn't understand at first but now as I see the crossed out words. I see she is actually trying to spell and work on it. Though my review won't show that they are crossed out.

He loves comic books. Dave told me befor that they are bad and I should avoid them.

I like the twist here. She meets a friend who could actually ruin her new life and though she needed friends. She stays to what Dave had said. I like it, very interesting. I wonder what will happen.

Over all
Alright, now with this part of the chapter. It does match with the last part that I had read. Though the mood seemed to have changed. I would actually make the mood changing a little easier. Maybe create a different scene to add within the story, just a short one, that creates a new mood from the old mood. Therefore giving a nicer movement and a smoother transition. It is a little easier on the reader. For me, it is hard to make the mood transitions smoother, I am more abrupt with it. I have learned that most people don't like it, from what they have given me as a review. So that is an idea to think on. Now I do like how you added a bit of a twist in there with Mandy's friend. Personally, it hooks me in more. I would want to say the same for the other readers but everyone is different. So, that is as far as I was thinking. I am thinking of a few more idea's but I am going to wait til I read the third part of your chapter before introducing those. :D Great story and keep on writing! <3
~Knight Onyx




D4RKR4VEN says...


I think I can see what you're getting at with the mood transition. Alright. :)




A wizard is never late. Nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
— Gandalf