He speaks.
Words role effortlessly off of his tongue and past his lips.
He watches.
His eyes intent.
Focused.
Calm.
He smiles.
Such a simple emotion made beautiful,
reaching tauntingly for your heart.
He walks.
His back to you, so perfect even as it ends,
as your hopes plummet,
as your heart shivers in the new cold air.
He is gone.
Gone to you forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I like this poem! It's short and simple, but has a lot of meaning to it. It reminds me about life and when I meet people passing by and then the next moment they're gone.
One little error I found:
You spelled one word wrong; it should be spelled "roll."
I like this line:
It's good imagery
Otherwise, I really enjoy the theme of your poem and the manner in which you decided to align your stanzas. It's a neat format.
Awesome piece that we have here. Maybe I'm wrong but I can't help but feel that the guy is an absolute jerk in this scenario. How the "words rolled effortlessly of his tongue" and the. Smiles as he turns his back. I thought those were very powerful additives to the motion and setting of this poem and they had a such a great impact on the overall feel of it. The. You can't help but sympathize with the writer for sadness and loneliness that is coming upon them. I love the line "heart shivers in the new cold air" the reason I love this line so much is that anyone who has been in love can relate to this. The air when your with someone you love is mutual and its beautiful but once you part you experience an enteiely different aurora and scent basically the atmosphere violently attacks all of your senses. Dealing with it on your own can have such an impact and that line perfectly grasped it. No critique is needed for this beautiful piece. Amazing job.
Hello there.
What can I even say, that won't be drenched with emotion.
Yup, I also had an experience similar to this. The difference was that we were involved for 5 months throughout which he seemed a little distant. And then out of the blue he dumped me. Shattered and smashed. I wrote a short on it 'What Once Was'. You can read if you want.
Anyways, coming to YOUR poem, I think it's brilliant. It's really well written. The emotions were very precise and came out really well. Anyone would be able to connect well.
Well done, my friend.
Keep writing
Harshita
Ouch, that's harsh! Five months is a long time for it to end like that, but I'm sure you deserve better. I will definitely read your short! Thank you for the review!
Hi polkadottiger2, again Dream with review on your poem
This is a narrative poem with details on him. A guy who approached you but disappear/gone suddenly. I really like the way you deliver this poem carefully, slowly from the beginning to the climax and the end of the poem.
Very impressed with the details and the way you explained how you feel / his presence even though only for a moment. It's something really exciting with a sad ending. A simple poem, but you managed to make it something interesting to read. Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers