Young Writers Society

I feel like the punctuation and grammar is a bit sketchy in this piece.
I wouldn't normally mention this first, but it detracts from the overall content, because I keep noticing it.
For example:
'your dragged' should be 'you're dragged.'

Towards the end of the piece, you start to lose capitalisation at the start of your lines and the formatting begins to look somewhat sloppy: 'I will give you nothing more, than a simple hello...'

It might just be me being picky, or the way the other letters contrast with the alternate capital 'I' but I think capitals would work better in this piece.

As for the content, I would say that this is a very simple examination of friendship and life and includes themes of regret and wonderment, that I could connect with on a personal level. I enjoyed reading this piece.
Well done.

I really enjoyed reading through this and am deeply intrigued by this site...

lol I posted this over two months ago and NOW it's in the spotlight. Wow. Just wow:{P

HELLO.
I am not really good with poetry reviews so please ignore anything stupid I say.
Firstly, I love the concept.
You have taken a very simple concept and turned it into your own.

No matter how deep your dragged to hell,

all you need is a simple hello,

Everytime I open my eyes,

You are in the arms of another guy,

I feel my mind spiral in,

I try to hope but I will never win,

Everytime I open my eyes,

You are in the arms of another guy,

I feel my mind spiral in,

I try to hope but I will never win,

again and again I'm subjected to sin,

I know why my life has not fell,

I've got friends, who simply say hello,

No matter how deep your dragged to hell,

all I wanted was to love ya, hold ya,

and a simple hello,

not everyone has to die,

not everyone has to lie,

not everyone can fly (like you),

above us all,

and when you fall,

I will give you nothing more,

than a simple hello...

hey there, Dragon99

you're going to be the first of my followers whose work I review as I embark on my online mission of redemption. before I begin you should know that I'm not really a poetry guy, but I've taken a few poetry writing workshops during my college career, so I do know a thing or two.

so for this poem. it is what I'd call a voice-driven piece. that sort of quiet, longing dejected voice is this poem's biggest strength, so if you do decide to revise this piece you should keep that in mind. now the only problem I have with the voice in this poem is that we don't get to see the full range of this voice. aside from the "arms of another guy" you don't give us any real concrete details. I want to see how your speaker describes a pebble on the bottom of a shallow creek, a dresser burning in a parking lot at sundown, something specific. what's true for fiction is even more so for poetry, specificity = good, abstraction = bad.

also, I'm not sure how I feel about the rhyming. I'm not opposed to rhyming poetry, I just think it should be buried. instead of using rhyming syllables as line breaks rearrange the poem so that the rhymes are hidden in the meat of the line itself. the effect will make your rhymes much more subtle thereby making it easier for the reader/listener to swallow. the only time I would advise keeping end rhymes is if the poem in question is strictly metered. an example would be "This Be the Verse" by Philip Larkin.

another thing, break this poem into stanzas. those bulky one-stanza forms don't usually work very well for this type of poem. in poetry pauses are just as important as the words themselves. while I was reading this poem I didn't know where to pause. those little gaps between stanzas give readers a chance to catch their breath. keep that in mind.

I hope this was helpful. and keep reading.

Hi!
Okay, first off, this piece was truly amazing! I love the concept of your poem, the boy is in love with the girl, but the girl is in love with someone else. See, the thing is, this concept is very typical, but you turned it into something else! Therefore, I'd like to say, "Good job!"
The second, the title, it was very enticing. The ending was wonderful, too, though I think the ellipsis was necessary, but it was also a very good addition to the poem.

There were some things that could've used a little more work, like the rhythm. It felt a little off balance to me, but it's fine just as it it, it could be better, though. Also, there were some sentences what could've been better if you used a period rather than a comma, try balancing your periods and commas a bit more. I think the format could be edited, like you could put some margins in some parts.

"Everytime I open my eyes,
You are in the arms of another guy,
I feel my mind spiral in,
I try to hope but I will never win,
again and again I'm subjected to sin,
I know why my life has not fell,"
(put a margin here)
"I've got friends, who simply say hello,
No matter how deep your dragged to hell,
all you need is a simple hello,
that's all I've asked for,"

Sometimes, the formatting can really help your story. I noticed that you have only started, so if you are having trouble with the formatting I can totally understand. I've been through the same experiences. Overall, the poem was really beautiful, and like I said, you don't have to edit it, it's fine on it's own. I just think it could be better if you polish some rough edges here and there. Great Job and HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Keep writing more awesomeness!
From the blue team,
GrapNerd

Hello (See? I said it! )
Some things I liked about this poem:
-I loved the concept behind it. A guy in love with a girl who doesn't feel the same way. The boy becomes bitter. It's a really nice concept.
-I could definitely feel the emotion behind it. Great job in portraying that.
-Despite this being a rather cliche subject, this didn't feel cliche to me at all.

Some things that could be worked on:
-Some of the rhymes felt really forced. With that and the rhythm and the repeated sections, I would think this is actually lyrical. If that's so, you should specify this as lyrical rather that poetry.
-You have a lot of commas in this where there should be periods. I'd check back through your punctuation again if I were you.

In the end, this was a really nice poem. Great job!
~Fortis

I really enjoyed reading your poem. I interpreted it as you see the girl you love with another guy. In the end though you will not take her back because she decided to leave you in the first place?

Oh my gosh, you've just like blown my mind! I love how you captured the ideal image of being stuck behind a dark curtain of fear, watching as the person you like or love in the arms of another! It was beautiful to read and I love how it just flows. I feel as if I'm the one watching the person I like with another, I can feel the emotions based on the amount of descriptive yet simple words you used to describe it, so well done keep writing your obliviously good at it.