"MOM STOP IT!" I screamed in pain as she beat me. "Please mommy!" I begged as tears filled with pain and blood ran down my face. My own blood started to surround me but mom didn't care...She continued to hit me ignoring my begs for help. Suddenly my mother stumbled backwards with a shriek and soon she ran out of my bedroom and slammed the door shut. I blinked and sat there in the darkness...confused. I looked down at my hands and saw they were covered in blood, it took me a moment to comprehend what had just happened. Then I knew...'"Mommy?" I asked confusion in my voice...'Did I hit mommy?' I asked myself. I stared down at my hands for at least 5 minutes trying to figure it out. I looked up a moment when I heard mother yelling foul words, after I listened I glanced back down at my small hands...For some reason the sight of all the blood formed a grin on my face.
I shuttered at the memory of when I was a six year old. I glanced back up seeing the teacher still talking about the lesson, I had no idea what we were even learning about..I had zoned out again. "Nami!" A voice called and I shot up quickly in surprise, "Yes ma'am?" I asked the speaker. The teacher muttered something angrily "Are you going to answer the question?" She asked with irritation filling her voice, "Oh..." I replied and looked at the board and read the question and tried to figure it out, as soon as I opened my mouth to answer the teacher spoke again "Never mind..." She said "Pay attention, and I'm calling your mother after school." She added then went to another person. I sighed with irritation and rested my head on my hand and played with a pencil in my hand, 'Great...Something else to deal with when I get home' I told myself, and with that the bell ran saying it was time to go home. I stood up and grabbed my backpack and walked to the door, "Nami." The teacher called and I looked back at her "Yes?" I asked her. "Please come here." She said, I sighed and turned around and walked over to her "Yes Mrs.Midori?" I muttered as I stopped in front of her desk, "Why aren't you paying attention?" She suddenly asked "Is something bothering you?" Mrs.Midori added, I lied and shook my head "No ma'am, nothing's bothering me, I was just thinking." I told her, Mrs. Midori nodded "Okay, Nami but I know you're a wonderful student, I've had the other teachers brag to me about how much of a great student you are." She told me and I muttered something in response then walked towards the exit, "Have a nice weekend..." She told me, I waved to her as I walked out and started walking home. "Hey wait up!" Someone behind me called, I knew they weren't calling me that they were calling to the people in front of be. Wanna know how I knew? I had no friends...I didn't need friends. They just took away time. I had only 1 friend...She wasn't real, nor could I see her myself. It was a voice in my head...It told me right from wrong, she comes up with things to say for me, and just is there to comfort me. No, I don't know where she came from, she just appeared a few weeks ago. Since then she's been there with me in my dreams, and reality. She even had a name~ Her name was Sora. And from what I could hear, she was at least 13. That's like 1 year younger than me, but I didn't mind. I was constantly surrounded my younger people...Especially since my mother had just had sixtuplets and she had forgotten all about me. I was used to it. I was used to a lot of things.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi. I love this piece of yours.
:):)
You put a great descriptions in it.(that i failed to do it)
Your story is breathtaking that i feel like i am in the story.
But, you should at least put the story in paragraphs. To let the readers to see more clearly your dialogs and make your story more interesting.
Above all
Keep up the great work and have FUN..
Wow, this story is very interesting. It pulled me in within the first paragraph! I'm interested to know what happened with her mom and I am anxious to know who this Sora friend is and who Nami is or what she is. You did a good job writing this though there are some things you can fix;
" I looked up a moment when I heard mother yelling foul words, after I listened I glanced back down at my small hands...For some reason the sight of all the blood formed a grin on my face."
After "yelling foul words" you don't need a comma so you can just put a period and then capitalize the A in after. Also You don't need three dots after hands, you can just put a period. And also when you say how old Sora is, you don't put the number, you need to write the number out. Anyway That's all the mistakes I see. Overall I think this is a really great start in your story! You're a good writer! Keep writing!
Thank you~ I appreciate the comment. ^-^ I'll try to have less errors next chapter, thanks for your input.
Hey there!
First of all, I really like the idea of your piece of writing, so I will try to review it for you!
I think you told the story of the character very well, which makes it easy for the reader to understand the situation that they're in. The flashback worked effectively too; I liked the way you switched back to the present tense afterwards.
You had a few minor grammar mistakes, so I will try to help you make this even better.
I like this sentence, but I think it would flow better with a comma after 'me.'
'Shuttered should be 'shuddered'- I don't know whether this was a typo or spelling error, but you have used the wrong word there.
I also feel like the dialogue could have been broken up a little more, it didn't quite flow the right way for me personally.
This would have been great if it was longer too, because at the moment there is still quite a lot of hidden information. If you included more flashbacks that would also be very effective, to develop the character even further.
I like the finishing two sentences; it is quite dramatic, and leaves you wondering- 'what else has she gone through?'
Overall, I thought it was a nice piece of writing but it could be improved upon to make it even better- well done, and keep writing
Thank you. ^-^ Yah...Sorry, not the greatest speller when it comes with words like that. Thanks. ^-^ I would have made it longer, and I plan on making Chapter 2 longer than this, more will be given away in it too. But thank you for the support.